annsumm Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Hi all, I ve been dating this guy for about 4 months now. I see him 2-3 times perweek and I really like him, we get on brilliant and are on the same wavelength etc etc. We have been intimate but a problem has arose... Last night, my single friend was showing me her profile on a dating site and just generally playing around, showing me what it was all about as I have never really been a supporter of online dating (thats just my opinion). Anyway, there he was...my guy, who I have been dating, looking for dates, he even messaged my friend, just saying 'hello, how are you tonight?' It says on his profile he is just looking for friends but I am still really hurt by this. I don't know whether to say something to him or not, he may think I am watching him or keeping tabs on him ! I know its only been a few months but i feel awful. We have never verbally agreed that we are exclusive but I just presumed we were because we have slept together. I don't need lectures on that part as I am almost 40 years old and the timing was right for us.
Mako482 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 You have to ask yourself why after 4 months are you only still dating? I would think you would have talked about this by now. If you are not exclusive why can't he be on a dating website? 4 months is a long time to not be able to decide together if you guys want to take it further, just my opinion and I am by no means an expert!
Author annsumm Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 Well because we wanted to take things slowly after our divorces. I suppose I want to find out if we are exclusive but I don't want to appear to be pressurising him. I could do with bringing up the subject casually and initiating a conversation about us..any ideas ?
Mako482 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Well because we wanted to take things slowly after our divorces. I suppose I want to find out if we are exclusive but I don't want to appear to be pressurising him. I could do with bringing up the subject casually and initiating a conversation about us..any ideas ? How about something to the effect of , "we've been seeing each other for 4 months, I think it is time to ask ourselves if this is going anywhere or not"? I only mention this at all because you were hurt at the thought of him being on that site, it sounds like you want to be exclusive. The only other option is to accept things as is, if you don't want that why sell yourself short?
Art_Critic Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 You need to bring it up and have a talk with him about it.. obviously you are both on different wavelengths.. 4 months is enough time for him to have stopped doing this type of stuff.. he is seeing you enough time for him to know that you are enough for him to stop dating other women. If you and him were only seeing each other once every couple of weeks I would think differently but that isn't the case here... I think you need to have the talk about exclusivity and go from there.. the talk needs to happen before any expectations as far as seeing others is concerned.
Shygirl15 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Isn't it automatic that once you're intimate with someone, you are exclusive with them?
Art_Critic Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Isn't it automatic that once you're intimate with someone, you are exclusive with them? Depends on the person... I come from the camp that I am exclusive once I am intimate with a woman.. but I would not expect her to be and I certainly wouldn't have the talk with her until the time was right.. I myself would just stop dating anyone else and wouldn't let her know I did that until we had the talk. Everyone is different.. but that remains that the talk has to happen.. if it doesn't then you will have two people on two different pages..
xpaperxcutx Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Isn't it automatic that once you're intimate with someone, you are exclusive with them? No, that's how some women like to think, but most men view sex as sex.
Shygirl15 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 No, that's how some women like to think, but most men view sex as sex. As a matter of fact, yes. I'm still one of those people who believe exclusivity is automatic once intimacy is involved. Infact, I never knew such thing as 'exclusivity talk' existed prior joining LS. I must have been very fortunate then, to date people of the same mindframe because I never met even one person who said to me, "hey, don't ask me that, we're not exclusive yet!". IMO, the relationship on topic is exclusive enough already. They have been seeing each other for 4 months or an average of 2-3 days per week. That says a lot. She has every right to go ahead and confront him on what he did, just like any betrayed girlfriend would.
JoeNewbie Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 I don't really buy the "dating site just for friendship" part. Guys must pay to be part of these sites, must they not? Perhaps he think you are not as serious as you are. Time to have a conversation with him I think.
Angel1111 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 I'd drop a guy over this. No excuses accepted.
LionLover Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I'd be pretty hurt by that too. I know what you mean about not wanting to pressure him for exclusitivity but 4 months is a long time to just be dating someone & no one has discussed becoming exclusive. Your already invested feeling wise so best to bring it up now rather then later. If he doesn't want to be exclusive, then you have your answer.
Vicious_Delicious Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Yeah, definitely go ahead and have the talk with him. Hell, I joined a dating site because I wasn't sure if the girl I was dating (who is now my girlfriend) was ready for a relationship, and I wanted to keep my options open. One night I got tired of beating around the bush and asked her how she felt about us. She said she really liked me a lot and wanted to go ahead and start a relationship. I thought about it for a day and then decided that we should make it official. My online dating profile was taken down the next day.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I'd drop a guy over this. No excuses accepted. I would, too.
Author annsumm Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Wow, thanks all for your input. I do want to be exclusive, ive closed all my options off because I thought we were but obviously he hasn't and like one person said 'i don't buy the friendship' thing on a dating site - its there for people who want dates ! BUT something else happened, he asked my friend (he still doesn't know she is my friend) for a picture of her boobs. Then he text me and asked for the same thing ! Of course he didn't get one but now my head is whizzing - what else is he upto that I don't know about and am I just being used because its easy for him. Oh no !!
Art_Critic Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 BUT something else happened, he asked my friend (he still doesn't know she is my friend) for a picture of her boobs. Then he text me and asked for the same thing ! Ouch... Sorry he has done this to you.... I would not let this one stand.. he just proved that he isn't interested in friendship with the other girls.. He claimed he was only on there for friendship.. Well.. boob shots are for sexual thrills... What a tool....
Kamille Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Edit: my original reply, where I was telling you to give him the benefit of the doubt, no longer applies as I hadn't seen the picture of boobs posts. Sorry. Drop him.
LionLover Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Wow, thanks all for your input. I do want to be exclusive, ive closed all my options off because I thought we were but obviously he hasn't and like one person said 'i don't buy the friendship' thing on a dating site - its there for people who want dates ! BUT something else happened, he asked my friend (he still doesn't know she is my friend) for a picture of her boobs. Then he text me and asked for the same thing ! Of course he didn't get one but now my head is whizzing - what else is he upto that I don't know about and am I just being used because its easy for him. Oh no !! He is bad news. This is why it would've been better to open up the exclusivity discussion earlier on...4 months was way too long. The best way would've been to just come right out & ask but you are hesitant because you don't want to "rock the boat" & send the guy off running...Best finding out sooner rather then later.
Sinister Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 It says on his profile he is just looking for friends but I am still really hurt by this. I don't know whether to say something to him or not, he may think I am watching him or keeping tabs on him ! I know its only been a few months but i feel awful. We have never verbally agreed that we are exclusive but I just presumed we were because we have slept together. I don't need lectures on that part as I am almost 40 years old and the timing was right for us. You should just confront him about all this, telling him what you said here, and telling him you like him and want to be exclusive. After 4 months and intimacy exclusivity is pretty damn much implied if not implicitly ruled by one of you two.
Author annsumm Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 Thanks for all your input. He is absolute history ! Found out today that he has actually slept with someone else during the time we were seeing each other (he told me he was away on business! I remember that week). I am not even surprised or shocked. I just feel silly that I carried on with him, constantly giving him the benefit of the doubt and playing devil's advocate when he went quiet on me sometimes ! What an absolute dog.
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