Military Dilemma

[Tabatha]

My boyfriend and I are both enlisting in the U.S. Army. We were talking with the Recruiter today and he said the possibility of us being stationed together is slim. The Army does not look at you as a "Couple" unless you are married. So if we both go active, we might not see each other for maybe a couple times out of the year.

 

The Recruiter mentioned to me, that my boyfriend could be stationed in Alaska, and I could be stationed in Hawaii without any choice on our part. We could be seperated for years.

 

I want to be together. The point was to stay together, and be productive in our lives. I'm scared that if I go through with this, we won't be WE any longer because of distance.

 

My only options are:

 

To go Active and hope for the best.

To go Active and Marry him, which is not likely to happen within 3 months, to be stationed together all the time.

To go Reserves and transfer Units each time he gets stationed.

To not enlist and just tag along where ever he gets stationed, in result giving up what I want to do.

 

I know EVERYONE in my family will say don't give up what you want to do just because of a guy. I know I shouldn't. I don't want to pressure my boyfriend in tying the knot, just to be together. BUT I want to BE together, that's my issue. So I can either give up my relationship( Go forward with being Active), or I can give up something that will help me be successful in my life (And play "House Wifey").

 

Any insight will be helpful.

[Ronni_W]

It sounds as if you are being called to make a choice for immediate gratification versus making some sacrifices now to ensure your own fulfilling and prosperous future.

 

Maybe take a "five year view" of all the options currently available -- what is the best and worst scenarios if you (a) enlist actively as a single, (b) go Reserve, and then follow him around like a puppy dog, © get married before either/both of you are fully ready, and then experience your life limited by where he is assigned, etc., or (d) stop yourself from pursuing your own desires and goals, and then follow him around like a puppy dog.

 

Write it all down and keep a record -- no matter what you choose, there will be all sorts of unforeseen opportunities and challenges. It will be good, especially through the challenges, to be able to remind yourself of the positives that facilitated your choice -- it can alleviate or prevent feelings of regret, resentment, guilt, etc.

 

Best of luck -- when one starts to take real steps that are life-defining, it can be confusing and downright scary. Just choose what you feel in your heart is the best decision for you, for RIGHT NOW. When things change later on, you will amend your goals and desires, adjust your course, adapt your strategies...and you will be just fine .

[taiko]

As far as the United States government is concerned if you wanted to be together you would be married. As an unmarried camp follower you will have it worse then the young married military couples who often draw foodstamps.

 

This is wartime. Even if he doesn't deploy to a combat zone how will a reservist transfer to the local US Army Reserve unit in Korea of Germany? And what if the reservist unit is activated and she tries to transfer to be close to her boyfriend after they receive orders?

[Tabatha]

Taiko-"As far as the United States government is concerned if you wanted to be together you would be married. As an unmarried camp follower you will have it worse then the young married military couples who often draw foodstamps.

 

This is wartime. Even if he doesn't deploy to a combat zone how will a reservist transfer to the local US Army Reserve unit in Korea of Germany? And what if the reservist unit is activated and she tries to transfer to be close to her boyfriend after they receive orders?"

 

So are you saying it's better to be married when in the military and the Reserves are not a good idea?

 

I guess it's a question of whether I'll be happy, or what makes me happy. I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months, today. I'm not sure i want to give that up. I'm still young and have the option to educate myself to pursue a different career.

[ShoeGirl]

I wouldn't give up what you want for any guy.

 

If you were to decide not to enlist at all or go reserves and transfer each time he goes some where else what happens when he gets deployed? You will be stuck somewhere you don't want to be doing something that you don't what to be doing, so why not enlist and see eachother when you have leave and do what you want with your life.

 

If you decide to get married in a year or two then you can be together then. Don't give up your dreams for someone else, you will regret it in the long run!

[Gunny376]

I'm a rertired United States Marine Gunnery Sergeant who retired in 1995, and so the information I about to share with you may be "dated" somewhat, but for the most part will still hold true.

 

And even though the Marine Corps isn't the Army ~ and vice versa ~ most of what governs married couples, pay and allowances is dictated by DOD, (Dept of Defense) for all branches of the military.

 

There are many married military professionals that have made a carrer of being in the military and have risen in rank throughout the years. More on that latter.

 

First in so far as "pressuring" your BF to marry you so you can be together, "If your good enough to live together ~ you're good enough to marry.

 

Now as far as the optons? Your becoming a camp follower either as a reservist, active duty, a wife, or a common life can be and is going to be tough. Doable but intially hard for the first three to four years.

 

Finacially, being so far away from home from friends and family (aka support system), you're finding a job (if you don't go the married/active duty route)

 

This subject use to come up so much with my young Marines, that I kept a framed cartoon of a tough, gritty Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant speaking to a skinny, young Marine PFC. The caption said:

 

"Live in a twenty-year-old-rat/roach infested single wide trailer? Eat rancid cheese sandwiches everyday for lunch? Drive a 74' Ford Maverick held together with duct tape, bailing wire and prayer? Marriage? Yea! Go for it!"

 

Now there are several reasons for this, but the primary reason is because military bases were initially established in God-awlful, desolate places where there weren't any jobs to begin with. That's why the government put them there to begin with (that and cheap land to be had by the tens if not hundreds of thousands of acres).

 

Even today, what jobs there are around such bases, are pretty much service and retail. Employeers are reluctant to hire military dependents, because they know that your only going to be around for about three years tops before you ship out again. So all the good paying steady jobs go to the locals ~ unless you can get into a federal civil service job ~ but again that hard to do, because the hiring manager knows you're going to be leaving again.

 

Even if you do get into the federal civil service system, there's no guarantee that you'll get a job where your DH's new duty station is. You could be on the waiting list for years and years.

 

I would not recommend to anyone being a "camp-follower" if they weren't at least married. It would pratically impossible to make it on private, private first class, specialist pay in such places as Hawaii, Alaska, Californina, and in the Northeastern United States. You would barely make it at Fort Bragg, North Carolina or Fort Rucker Alabama if you weren't married (do-able in the Southern states.

 

The only way you could even have a prayer of making it as a common law couple would be if you got stationed in the Southeastern United States. In the higher cost of living areas, (Fort Drum, NY, Alaska, California, Hawaii would be if at least one of you were active duty and married. Even then you would be looking at living in the slummer parts of town until he made some rank and even then depending upon how many children you have.

 

Now with the "Him Active Duty/Me Active Duty" option? DOD regualtions state that the different branches of service, make a best effort attempt to station the two married individuals within 50 miles of one another, even if one member is in a different branch of service, (AF and Army for example ~ Fort Bragg/Pope AFB, NC)

 

I've known of many inter-service couples, (Her Navy, him Marine) But even still there's alot of down-time as a couple, and it takes a strong couple to work such a deal.

 

IMHO opinion your best option would be to, (in order of idea preferance)

 

1. Break-up and pursue your carrer in the military

 

2. Get married before enlisting ~ then enlist. With the understanding that going into this? You've already have someone else in the marriage ~ the Army. The military can be and is a very demanding "bitch" of a mistress. It can and will consume mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically. To be successfully married to one another while both active members of the military will demand absolute dedication, fidelity, communication, maturity, and single-minded focus. You will have to be very focused, very dedicated, very mature.

 

How much of a problem is this? The Marine Corps several years back tried to pass a regulation that in order to enlist in the Marine Corps you had to be single, and couldn't marry unless you had your Commanding Officer's endorsement, (you had to submitt a letter requesting permission to get married and had to have achieved the rank of Corporal (E-4).

 

It was a very good and sound idea ~ but the "femi-nazi's" in Congress had a fit. And, it was beaten down, (Enlisted Marines use to have to get their CO"s permission to get married ~ especially when marrying a forgien National. This was as recent as the 1980's. This was a "Cold-War/National Security issue ~ to ensure the Marine wasn't marrying a Communisty/Spy. Case in point ~ the case of the Marine Sercurity Guard wanting to marry a local Russian girl)

 

If you go with the "common-law" wife/living together option ~ you've got an 20% of ever getting married. If you do ever get married after having lived together, you've statistically got a 90% divorce rate.

 

If you get married with his being under the age of 25, you've got a 90% chance of eventually getting divorce.

 

If you get pregno, and get married with his being under the age of 25? Divorce rate again is 90%

 

My advice? Slow down, take a deep breath, Goggle "MarriageBuilders" and "DivorceBusting" read some books,

 

"The Five Languages of Love",

 

""DivorceBusting"

 

"Love Must Be Tough"

 

"1001 Ways To Be Rommantic"

 

"1001 More Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"Romance 101"

 

"Light His Fire!" (For you)

 

"Light Her Fire" (For Him)

 

Get some Pre-martial and individual couseling.

 

Also read "Debtproof Living" (Goggle the site) by Mary Hunt, and "Complete MoneyMakeover"

 

You might want to Goggle and become a member of "Sgt Grit" and lurk the wives section about the trials and tribulations of being married to a man in the military. (Its free)

 

Hope this helps?

[taiko]

Taiko-"As far as the United States government is concerned if you wanted to be together you would be married. As an unmarried camp follower you will have it worse then the young married military couples who often draw foodstamps.

 

This is wartime. Even if he doesn't deploy to a combat zone how will a reservist transfer to the local US Army Reserve unit in Korea of Germany? And what if the reservist unit is activated and she tries to transfer to be close to her boyfriend after they receive orders?"

 

So are you saying it's better to be married when in the military and the Reserves are not a good idea?

 

I guess it's a question of whether I'll be happy, or what makes me happy. I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months, today. I'm not sure i want to give that up. I'm still young and have the option to educate myself to pursue a different career.

 

I say listen to the Gunny. Soldiers have different names for our senior NCOs but everything he said is true in my experience. You will not have enough money, you will not have benefits that a legal wife gets. Either make a go at a LDR while he serves his first enlistment, marry or move on.

[Tabatha]

I'm a rertired United States Marine Gunnery Sergeant who retired in 1995, and so the information I about to share with you may be "dated" somewhat, but for the most part will still hold true.

 

And even though the Marine Corps isn't the Army ~ and vice versa ~ most of what governs married couples, pay and allowances is dictated by DOD, (Dept of Defense) for all branches of the military.

 

There are many married military professionals that have made a carrer of being in the military and have risen in rank throughout the years. More on that latter.

 

First in so far as "pressuring" your BF to marry you so you can be together, "If your good enough to live together ~ you're good enough to marry.

 

Now as far as the optons? Your becoming a camp follower either as a reservist, active duty, a wife, or a common life can be and is going to be tough. Doable but intially hard for the first three to four years.

 

Finacially, being so far away from home from friends and family (aka support system), you're finding a job (if you don't go the married/active duty route)

 

This subject use to come up so much with my young Marines, that I kept a framed cartoon of a tough, gritty Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant speaking to a skinny, young Marine PFC. The caption said:

 

 

 

Now there are several reasons for this, but the primary reason is because military bases were initially established in God-awlful, desolate places where there weren't any jobs to begin with. That's why the government put them there to begin with (that and cheap land to be had by the tens if not hundreds of thousands of acres).

 

Even today, what jobs there are around such bases, are pretty much service and retail. Employeers are reluctant to hire military dependents, because they know that your only going to be around for about three years tops before you ship out again. So all the good paying steady jobs go to the locals ~ unless you can get into a federal civil service job ~ but again that hard to do, because the hiring manager knows you're going to be leaving again.

 

Even if you do get into the federal civil service system, there's no guarantee that you'll get a job where your DH's new duty station is. You could be on the waiting list for years and years.

 

I would not recommend to anyone being a "camp-follower" if they weren't at least married. It would pratically impossible to make it on private, private first class, specialist pay in such places as Hawaii, Alaska, Californina, and in the Northeastern United States. You would barely make it at Fort Bragg, North Carolina or Fort Rucker Alabama if you weren't married (do-able in the Southern states.

 

The only way you could even have a prayer of making it as a common law couple would be if you got stationed in the Southeastern United States. In the higher cost of living areas, (Fort Drum, NY, Alaska, California, Hawaii would be if at least one of you were active duty and married. Even then you would be looking at living in the slummer parts of town until he made some rank and even then depending upon how many children you have.

 

Now with the "Him Active Duty/Me Active Duty" option? DOD regualtions state that the different branches of service, make a best effort attempt to station the two married individuals within 50 miles of one another, even if one member is in a different branch of service, (AF and Army for example ~ Fort Bragg/Pope AFB, NC)

 

I've known of many inter-service couples, (Her Navy, him Marine) But even still there's alot of down-time as a couple, and it takes a strong couple to work such a deal.

 

IMHO opinion your best option would be to, (in order of idea preferance)

 

1. Break-up and pursue your carrer in the military

 

2. Get married before enlisting ~ then enlist. With the understanding that going into this? You've already have someone else in the marriage ~ the Army. The military can be and is a very demanding "bitch" of a mistress. It can and will consume mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically. To be successfully married to one another while both active members of the military will demand absolute dedication, fidelity, communication, maturity, and single-minded focus. You will have to be very focused, very dedicated, very mature.

 

How much of a problem is this? The Marine Corps several years back tried to pass a regulation that in order to enlist in the Marine Corps you had to be single, and couldn't marry unless you had your Commanding Officer's endorsement, (you had to submitt a letter requesting permission to get married and had to have achieved the rank of Corporal (E-4).

 

It was a very good and sound idea ~ but the "femi-nazi's" in Congress had a fit. And, it was beaten down, (Enlisted Marines use to have to get their CO"s permission to get married ~ especially when marrying a forgien National. This was as recent as the 1980's. This was a "Cold-War/National Security issue ~ to ensure the Marine wasn't marrying a Communisty/Spy. Case in point ~ the case of the Marine Sercurity Guard wanting to marry a local Russian girl)

 

If you go with the "common-law" wife/living together option ~ you've got an 20% of ever getting married. If you do ever get married after having lived together, you've statistically got a 90% divorce rate.

 

If you get married with his being under the age of 25, you've got a 90% chance of eventually getting divorce.

 

If you get pregno, and get married with his being under the age of 25? Divorce rate again is 90%

 

My advice? Slow down, take a deep breath, Goggle "MarriageBuilders" and "DivorceBusting" read some books,

 

"The Five Languages of Love",

 

""DivorceBusting"

 

"Love Must Be Tough"

 

"1001 Ways To Be Rommantic"

 

"1001 More Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"Romance 101"

 

"Light His Fire!" (For you)

 

"Light Her Fire" (For Him)

 

Get some Pre-martial and individual couseling.

 

Also read "Debtproof Living" (Goggle the site) by Mary Hunt, and "Complete MoneyMakeover"

 

You might want to Goggle and become a member of "Sgt Grit" and lurk the wives section about the trials and tribulations of being married to a man in the military. (Its free)

 

Hope this helps?

 

Thank You!! This really helps!

 

His father was stationed in Alaska for the Navy, but married, 3 kids, back in the 1980's...and I think they were getting paid thousands to live there each year. My boyfriend is 25. His parents have been married for 40 years. So if they can do it, we can too.

 

So in order to live a better life, going active or not, I should still get married to him? The recruiter told us, if one of us goes active and we get married, the active person gets more money in his pay.

 

When I was in my senior year of High school, or had just graduated, I worked at Sears and one of my co-workers was married to active military man. That is the route I know I am destined for if I choose to not enlist, and follow my boyfriend where ever he gets stationed. I'm cool with that. He said after four years of being in the Army he said he'd use his college money on me, and put me through school. He wants to Retire in the Army.

[Tabatha]

I wouldn't give up what you want for any guy.

 

If you were to decide not to enlist at all or go reserves and transfer each time he goes some where else what happens when he gets deployed? You will be stuck somewhere you don't want to be doing something that you don't what to be doing, so why not enlist and see eachother when you have leave and do what you want with your life.

 

 

If he was deployed, I would have my sisters or brothers come stay with me for a weekend or something to visit. Or I would stay with my family. He would eventually come home to me. I would keep busy, go to school, and/or work.

[Gunny376]

Again I qualify that I've been retired since 1995, and the acroynoms may have change (they change it seems every couple of years for some reason)

 

But yes, as an active duty member who is married he would receive BAS (Basic Allowance for Subsistence ~ it goes up a little bit every year) BAQ, (Basic Allowance for Quarters ~ which he forefiets if you live in base housing) VHA Variable Housing Allowance (Depends upon where you live, thus he would receive more for living in CA than in GA) but it only applies if you live off base.

 

All enlisted and officers receive the same rate of BAS, but its for the service member to dine seperate from the command. Not for feeding the family.

 

Living in base housing has its advantage. Some of them are pretty old and out-dated although they're up-grading them off the time. The old E-1 through E-5 housing on Parris Island was very small and we use to call it "White Wash Village" (I'm sure there long gone now.)

 

One of the advantages of living on base is you just forefiet your BAQ, and that covers rent, utilities, and 365-24-7 maintenance.

 

If you to go active duty, only one of you would be allowed to draw BAQ, VHA, but both of you would be allowed to draw BAS.

 

If your not going to enlist, and talking about going to college on your husband's GI Bill that won't be possible. The VA won't allow you to do that unless he's medically retired from the Army with a disability rating of 30% or higher or was killed while on active duty (but pretty sure it would have to be a service connected death)

 

Here's a link to the current DFAS (Defense Finance Accounting Service) Pay Charts ~ note there in Adobe, and there are 10 pages of them qith a zoom feature the first one is set at 67% which is why it looks so small. You'll have to zoom up to read it. Then click to go to page 2, through 10 to see the rest of the allowances.

 

http://www.dfas.mil/militarypay/militarypaytables/2008MilitaryPayCharts35.pdf

 

Here's a link to the VA about the new GI bill (just substainly up-date about three months ago BTW):

 

http://www.gibill.va.gov/

 

and

 

http://www.gibill.va.gov/S22/Post_911_Factsheet.pdf

 

If you both went active duty Army will re-imburse you for up to 75% of your out-of pocket tuition (not books and fees).

 

Other beneies from being in the military:

 

Commissary (On base grocery store) ~ name brand groceries 30% cheaper than out in town + no sales tax, although you do have to pay a 3% over-head charge.

 

PX privildeges, again less than out in town, no sales tax ~ name brand products, (actually they carry nothing but top of the line for most things)

 

Virtually free medical and dental all though there is a small preimuim and deductable. (About $100 a month for both) It cost me $6.25 a piece to have my two children delivered. (Wouldn't have cost that much but the wife got hungry )

[Gunny376]

Oh! A "biggie" upon successful completion of your initial tour, you would qualify for a "no-down" payment / no closing cost" on a house, (although there are some admin fees ~ about ) up to $465,000 with the VA guaranteing up to 25% of the line ~ IOW ~ the federal goverment via the VA will co-sign a loan for your home,

[Walk]

Yeah, but when I was in the Marine corps we had numerous married guys hooking up every weekend with new women. Same with the married females too. Only 1 guy didn't cheat on his wife (she made him install a landline into his barracks and she'd call him every night to check up on him )

 

Just curious, but did you want to enlist in the Army first, or your bf first? And don't say you both decided at the same time cause that's crap.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Just curious, but did you want to enlist in the Army first, or your bf first? And don't say you both decided at the same time cause that's crap.

Yes; I think this is an important question. (I have a feeling it was him, though.)

 

The fact that you're willing to follow him around "like a puppy dog" and basically forfeit your entire life to be near him, after being together such a short time, says a lot. I don't think it's a good idea.

[Tabatha]

My boyfriend has been wanting to join for months and months, not ever going through with it. He basically sat on the idea for a longtime. I thought about it more, and saw myself not accomplishing anything sitting around here, doing nothing. So I pursued it last month, getting in contact with a recruiter, and then my bf told the Recruiter he has been interested also. We went to the first meeting together, and have been going together ever since. We took the ASVAB test 1 and a half weeks ago. Now we are getting ready to go to MEPS in the next couple days to take the physical.

 

I have no luck with getting hired with jobs around here, nor has he. We both aren't in school, and this is an opportunity to be productive and successful.

 

It's not going because he's going. I have thought about staying here while he goes through bootcamp and AIT, then when he gets stationed, I move with him. But, then I thought more about it, and what my recruiter said was don't stop what you want to do, because what if my bf and I end it in 5 years? That would mean I lost 5 years I could have been spending in the Army. So, yes, I am going ahead with enlisting Active, and whatever happens between us happens. If we're meant to be, then we will be together.