confused11 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 I woke up this morning so angry. After so much time of the same pattern, to him finally saying he wanted something, after him pursuing me in showing me that he was changing and was serious about us, after plans and promises, and hours of conversations some fun and lighthearted, some intellectual and debating (i like when we challenge each other) some serious about life and our families, after making his presence known with my family (voluntarily on his part), after telling his fam and friends about me, after sweet gestures and doing things "cause he knew it would make me happy" to tell me he changed his mind that he's not ready?!?! WTF!!! I never asked him for anything, I walked away and he wanted me back...so I was careful not to jump into it...take it slow....see if he was serious this time...he fooled me and everyone else. He was leaving for a few months so we decided to put things on hold til he got back. I didn't think it would continue with the distance but he called me everyday all day long when he was away. I told him if he just needed someone to talk to to find someone else but he insisted he wanted to talk to me...he could've found someone else too...he could've had many someone elses (maybe he did, highly doubt it though). He said he wanted to be with me. He wouldn't continue talking to me if he didn't want it to go somehwere. He wouldn't be wasting my time or his. (haha) So he came back, and ok yeah maybe I did push a little but I felt that after so long, how much longer should I wait for him to say that it is something...I guess I was projecting insecurity...because with him I can be sometimes. He said that he felt that dating me means it has to go somewhere. I'm not the girl you just waste time with. It's either go big or go home and that if we were to get together he doesn't see it ending and if it did...it would be from him and that he knows it would hurt me and he doesn't want to hurt me. He didn't even give it a chance to see what would happen. He said that he knows one day he will regret it. He doesn't know what he wants but knows he doesn't want a relationship now. Oh here was a good one...He said that he has never dated a girl like me and that he can't find anything wrong with me (yeah sounds like bs but that I know is mostly true though lol...I'm not perfect at all but we never had any problems or fights...the only issue...albeit a big one....was if it was serious or not). See the thing is I can't read him very well. He is so guarded and doesn't let me in very much that what he says can either be true or complete bs. But I am just so mad....we both decided to go NC for a month while he was away this time but he's coming back again and I know he will contact me I just don't know if I should continue NC or if I should really say how I feel or if I should just act like I don't care. I know as much as I want to hang out with him I can't, we can't be friends for a very long time if at all. But I just don't know what to do when I see him because I know I will. Play it cool or be bitchy cause I'm still mad. I don't know what will evoke something genuine from him. I just want him to take his guard down for a minute and understand what he does so he doesn't do it with me anymore. I am also confused as to whether it is really over or just for now. I don't want it to be. I know things I would do differently if I got to. I held back a lot from him too because I was scared and I think he knew that which could be why he said he didn't want to hurt me. I definitely showed I was insecure about the situation when he got back. I just felt like I was just waiting for my chance to try but the chance was there the whole time and I was too scared to take it. Maybe it would have never worked out but I just feel like I didn't try as much as I was expecting him to and I hate that I won't get my chance to try. Do guys run away from a girl that is insecure about where the relationship is going? How do I see if it is going somewhere without being a doormat but adament that I am not at his convenience? How do I know if he genuinely cares or is just using me? (We are not FB...never have been so he is not using me for that). Any thoughts??? Wow...I hope I don't sound too pathetic...I'm not that insecure really I promise lol, I'm just scared of getting hurt so I want to be careful)
Whitefox123 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 I am not very good at offering advice, but I just want to tell you I am in a similar situation. We were actually engaged though and he was doing things that made me feel insecure about our relationship. I eventually pushed him away and we broke up but after about 2 weeks....he came back to me...saying he missed me and he understood why what he was doing hurt me. Everything was going well, we talked about getting back together actually. But out of nowhere all of the sudden that wasnt what he wanted. Now we havent seen each other for almost 3 weeks, I am missing him like crazy and I dont know where he stands because he claims hes happier w/out me, but yet he complains that I am out having fun with my friends. He says it must mean that I dont miss him. So I really dont understand why he cares if he's so much happier without me. Hopefully with time the two of you can work this out....maybe you just both need to grow more as people. Thats what I keep telling myself anyway! Good luck!!!!
Narf Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Wow.. Im in a similar situation too and i have no idea what to do about it... I have tried 2 different things and so far neither have made me happy.. im not sure that they had any effect on him :/ A lot of my friends just say leave him alone he is bad news... Find someone that isnt trying to play adult... IMO i think they are right but it is so very very hard... I go from thinking he cares to thinking he doesnt at all...My gut feeling is he is not ready for "us" he doesnt want to lose it but he cant handle it... hence the confusion and the changing and the scared of hurting me I think it is similar for you... You scare the crap out of him cause he just isnt ready. I tried being friends... It didnt work cause the chemistry is there driving you crazy cause you know you could be so good together if he would just stop resisting it... It works for a while but something will happen and insecurity comes in and the "Why wont he just date me?! Am i not good enough? is he just using me?" I dont get it.. Cause if he is feeling what i am (and his actions tell me he is) then why the hell isnt he with me? you get angry... Then the other way i tried was to disconnect try to accept that it just isnt the right timing and the more i hang on the more it hurts me... It is like a roller coaster.. So i stopped messaging him first, i stopped planing to hang out with him.. i deleted his number from my phone (Tried no contact it lasted 2 weeks) so went to limited contact... This is better for me for healing and getting over it but it is still so hard cause it pushes them away and they start to get a little desprite... I got the "I should ask you out again" messages when i fell for it he ran a mile... Im sorry, i dont think any of this will help you but it is good to talk to someone that is going through the same stress... Sometimes i wish he would do no contact with me.. That way im not the one doing the pushing away.. He is, it would hurt like buggery but at least it would be an end to this torment...
Author confused11 Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Hey Narf....wow you definitely summed up what I felt. Yeah it is good to talk to someone in the same boat. I don't get it...does he just want to chase me and never catch me? I know guys like the chase but jeez when do they want to stop and enjoy the moment...or is the chase the thrill...then why do they let themselves even get a little bit attached to keep chasing us over and over again. Don't they eventually move on all together and leave us alone for good? If friends doesn't work and no contact doesn't work...logically doesn't just trying it out make sense!!! See with me I went through the motions and expected him to be the one to put himself out there all together but i never did. I never took that chance because I was afraid that he was using me, did he not think I was good enough etc. I think maybe I projected that ie by pushing for him to make this something. I never let go but expected he should so I could. I was waiting for the moment to let go as if the director would cue the sound guy and the music would go off at the perfect moment but this isn't a movie. There were already all those chances I didn't take when I look back now I wish I would've. I would'nt have professed some undying devotion or anything it would've been more like hey I want you but I'm good without you too. I will never know now because I didn't take that chance I expected him too. Was I wrong in expecting that? What is the fine line between what to expect and what to give out? I do not want to be the one chasing him but I do want to SHOW him what I want and not just barely say it. The fact is I'm good without him...I had a life before him and I will without him...but it would make me happier if he was in it. I just want a chance (and his mind to be open) for me to show him. I'm not going to pour my heart out or be pathetic...just a little blunt and coy at the same time. I picture it in my head how I would do it but 1. I don't know if I will ever get the chance and 2. I don't know if I can truly let go and take the risk. I'm leaving him alone for now; he knows where to find me should he choose to do so, I just don't know how to tell if it is a risk I should take. He's so hard to read...whenever I am not with him, he is so open. However, when we are in each other's presence there is wall that I don't know how to get through. Whenever we are out, the first thing people think is "oh your guys are such a cute couple then we laugh and say we are not, then they say oh....well are you guys related then...lol I've kept my dignity in tack so far by not pleading or trying to convince him or anything like that...and as much as he would disagree, i still say I don't want anything from him because I don't want to give him the satisfaction that he has me twisted...lol. His actions and words are so contradicting that it baffles me. He will say he doesn't want anything then act differently...then he will say he does and doesn't follow through. If he only does and only will see me as a friend, then I will gladly let go...I just wish he would tell me. What is he holding onto with me? Maybe he won't anymore....maybe this time it really is over. I guess I won't know for another few weeks. Is there anything, a gesture, comment, etc., that he will show that will let me know he's still considering me and him? So many unanswered questions lol it's is probably better just to cut him out forever and spare myself this roller coaster ride. Yes he came back before and things fell through but will he come back again?
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