I should be over this by now...

[SadHeart79]

It's been almost 6 months since the breakup. I have been seeing a counsellor, been on anti-depressants and yet I still feel like I'm not really over him. My counsellor says that she is amazed at the progress I have made, but I'm not so sure in my own heart. I know that my parents think I should be over this by now, my friends and co-workers are getting tired of it and I really feel this enormous pressure that I should be dealing with all this a lot better than I am.

 

The last 2 weeks have been pretty good, I've found new friends, started new interests, but I still have this overwhelming sense of hollowness and emptiness - like something is still missing from my life. I miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone to come home to. I'll be honest, I hate being single. I can't handle when I'm out seeing happy couples together, even seeing happy families with little kids makes me tear up. What the hell is wrong with me???

 

Anyway, today was a bad day. I woke up feeling terrible, all alone and so depressed. I feel like all the progress I have made has gone out the window. It didn't help me knowing that his new g/f returned last night from a 6 week holiday in Europe, and I had images running through my mind all day and night of how happy their reunion would've been and what they would be doing together. Blugh. I guess I have been doing okay the last few weeks because I have known that he has been on his own, just like me. Now she is back, I feel like s&^% all over again.

 

It's his birthday tomorrow as well, and I'm not sure I even want to acknowledge it. He wants to be friends with me, and I've really tried, but the more I find out about his new life, the more I hate it. He doesn't realise that the tiniest piece of information can play on my mind for weeks. I think I preferred it when I didn't know what was happening. By the same token, I guess I still want him in my life, one way or another. I just don't know anymore.

 

Will I ever get over this??? 6 months is way too long to still be upset, angry and depressed. What is wrong with me???

[Meaplus3]

It's been almost 6 months since the breakup. I have been seeing a counsellor, been on anti-depressants and yet I still feel like I'm not really over him. My counsellor says that she is amazed at the progress I have made, but I'm not so sure in my own heart. I know that my parents think I should be over this by now, my friends and co-workers are getting tired of it and I really feel this enormous pressure that I should be dealing with all this a lot better than I am.

 

The last 2 weeks have been pretty good, I've found new friends, started new interests, but I still have this overwhelming sense of hollowness and emptiness - like something is still missing from my life. I miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone to come home to. I'll be honest, I hate being single. I can't handle when I'm out seeing happy couples together, even seeing happy families with little kids makes me tear up. What the hell is wrong with me???

 

Anyway, today was a bad day. I woke up feeling terrible, all alone and so depressed. I feel like all the progress I have made has gone out the window. It didn't help me knowing that his new g/f returned last night from a 6 week holiday in Europe, and I had images running through my mind all day and night of how happy their reunion would've been and what they would be doing together. Blugh. I guess I have been doing okay the last few weeks because I have known that he has been on his own, just like me. Now she is back, I feel like s&^% all over again.

 

It's his birthday tomorrow as well, and I'm not sure I even want to acknowledge it. Besides, it's not my job. Let his new g/f do the stuff that I used to do for him on his birthday.

 

He wants to be friends with me, and I've really tried, but the more I find out about his new life, the more I hate it. He doesn't realise that the tiniest piece of information can play on my mind for weeks. I think I preferred it when I didn't know what was happening. By the same token, I guess I still want him in my life, one way or another. I just don't know anymore.

 

Will I ever get over this??? 6 months is way too long to still be upset, angry and depressed. What is wrong with me???

 

Don't beat yourself up here. You have made progress, be proud of that. Healing takes time and it's different for everyone. If your finding it hard to move on while still remaining friends, then you could always mention that to him and perhaps..limit your contact for a bit. Hang in there. You will be ok. Best wishes.

 

AP:)

[hot123]

My ex husband and I remained in contact throughout as"friends"I didnt want to and financially couldnt cut off all ties so I went along w/the whole friend act...well 2 years later after trying to pretend i didnt care anymore im still pretty much stuck in the same place as i started from...had i gone n/c im positive everything would be different right now...maybe you could try cutting him off completely.

[stillafool]

You can't be friends with him - bottom line. Your emotions can't handle it. The best thing for you to do is to not talk to him or see him. Every time he enters your mind just tell yourself "that is in my past and I've moved on from him". Stop talking to everyone about him (if you still are). Talking about him will just keep him on your mind and like you said people get tired of hearing about it after a while. I don't know how spirtual you are but praying always helped me in these matters.

[mollers]

Hi Sadheart,

 

Only you know whether keeping in contact is the best thing for you but I know that I couldn't do it. My ex wanted us to remain friends and I had to say no. How could I remain his friend when I didn't want our relationship to end? I wanted to hold him and kiss him, not go for a drink with him and sit and hear about his life!

 

As you say, knowing little details about your ex puts unwanted images in your mind. It's so hard to deal with (I get images in my mind and I don't even know what my ex is up to!).

 

Have you tried going no contact - it may be hard at first but I think it could help you to heal quicker?

XX

[sunshinegirl]

I do agree with the others about going No Contact. That's always my policy post-breakup and even then it takes me a LONG time to get over someone I loved. I dated one guy for 6 months and it took me over a year to get over him! Right now I am 3 months post-breakup with my boyfriend of over a year. I get mad at myself for not being over him yet but realize I'm just being hard on myself. Our hearts need time to heal and it doesn't help to get on your own case for still caring.

 

The single best - even if hardest - thing you can do for yourself is to stop being in contact with him. If there is any kind of friendship to salvage, it will still be there in a year. That happened to me, by the way: I have become friends with one ex, after taking a year apart to move on. The irony is that that ex now wants to get back together!

 

(((hugs)))

[dazed.1]

Absolutely nothing wrong with you. No one can tell you how long it should take to get over this, there is no set rule, it is all about you and how you are feeling.

 

You are taking all the right steps: new friends, new interests, it really is just a mattter of time. Of course it is difficult seeing happy couples but instead of missing your X when you see them, know that one day you will have that too! True happiness, with someone that will make your world complete; let it remind you of what is in store, not what is lost.

 

So keep going out and spending time with friends/ family. Family can be truely amazing in times like this, no one cares about you as much as they do! They only think you should be "over this" by now is because they don't want to see you sad anymore; they see the potential you have and they know what you deserve and they just want you to see it too.

 

You had a bad day, that is why you feel tripped up, but I think in general you are doing fine. Good luck with everything.

[sedgwick]

It's been 13 months for me and I still miss him terribly every day. I'm not over him at all. So don't put a time limit on your grief. One thing that's seriously detrimental to your healing, however, is knowing what's going on in his life. When a friend told me recently that my ex was in town, it really threw me for a loop. It's much, much better if I know nothing about what he's doing. Is there a way you can keep yourself from knowing?

[SadHeart79]

Don't beat yourself up here. You have made progress, be proud of that. Healing takes time and it's different for everyone. If your finding it hard to move on while still remaining friends, then you could always mention that to him and perhaps..limit your contact for a bit. Hang in there. You will be ok. Best wishes.

 

AP:)

 

 

I guess I know that I have made some progress, but then I have days where I feel like I'm back at square one again. Everyone keeps telling me it takes time, I guess I'm just impatient and want to feel happy again, not like this hollow shell that I seemed to have turned into.

 

I've mentioned to him that it's too hard for me to remain friends, but he knows I don't really mean it. I pretend I'm cool with it, but inside it's still tearing me apart that I can only be friends with him, nothing more.

[SadHeart79]

My ex husband and I remained in contact throughout as"friends"I didnt want to and financially couldnt cut off all ties so I went along w/the whole friend act...well 2 years later after trying to pretend i didnt care anymore im still pretty much stuck in the same place as i started from...had i gone n/c im positive everything would be different right now...maybe you could try cutting him off completely.

 

 

Yes, that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to still be in the same place in a couple of years time. I really think maybe the best way to really move on is to cut him out of my life completely. I've tried N/C before, but it's always HIM that breaks it, so it's difficult. He knows that I still care about him. I wish I didn't, but I can't just cut my feelings off, like he has.

[SadHeart79]

You can't be friends with him - bottom line. Your emotions can't handle it. The best thing for you to do is to not talk to him or see him. Every time he enters your mind just tell yourself "that is in my past and I've moved on from him". Stop talking to everyone about him (if you still are). Talking about him will just keep him on your mind and like you said people get tired of hearing about it after a while. I don't know how spirtual you are but praying always helped me in these matters.

 

You're right, my emotions can't handle it. I'll be going along okay, then I'll hear something about him and my emotions start playing up all over the place again. I guess no news is good news. At least when you are in the dark, you can't worry about things you don't know about. I'm not overly religious, but I have prayed quite a bit over these last few months. Mainly that I can find a way out of this darkness and be happy again.

[SadHeart79]

Hi Sadheart,

 

Only you know whether keeping in contact is the best thing for you but I know that I couldn't do it. My ex wanted us to remain friends and I had to say no. How could I remain his friend when I didn't want our relationship to end? I wanted to hold him and kiss him, not go for a drink with him and sit and hear about his life!

 

As you say, knowing little details about your ex puts unwanted images in your mind. It's so hard to deal with (I get images in my mind and I don't even know what my ex is up to!).

 

Have you tried going no contact - it may be hard at first but I think it could help you to heal quicker?

XX

 

I agree with you. I think it's only the strong people, the ones who have well and truly accepted the fate of their relationship and have their emotions in order, that can move on and be friends with their ex's. I can't understand how they can do it though. How do you go from being intimate with someone and then just be friends? I know that I could never see him without wanting to hold him and kiss him again. That's why I haven't put myself in that position, no matter how much I miss him. It's hard enough talking on the phone!

 

I really am going to have to try and do N/C again. The hard part is sticking with it.

[SadHeart79]

I do agree with the others about going No Contact. That's always my policy post-breakup and even then it takes me a LONG time to get over someone I loved. I dated one guy for 6 months and it took me over a year to get over him! Right now I am 3 months post-breakup with my boyfriend of over a year. I get mad at myself for not being over him yet but realize I'm just being hard on myself. Our hearts need time to heal and it doesn't help to get on your own case for still caring.

 

The single best - even if hardest - thing you can do for yourself is to stop being in contact with him. If there is any kind of friendship to salvage, it will still be there in a year. That happened to me, by the way: I have become friends with one ex, after taking a year apart to move on. The irony is that that ex now wants to get back together!

 

(((hugs)))

 

You are right. If you are ever meant to be friends, then it will happen, and if it takes 1 or 2 years, then so be it. I guess I'm just a little scared that if I cut him off completely, he will hate me and never want to have anything to do with me ever again. I guess that's just something I'll have to accept might happen.

 

I just wish I didn't still care about him so damn much!

[SadHeart79]

Absolutely nothing wrong with you. No one can tell you how long it should take to get over this, there is no set rule, it is all about you and how you are feeling.

 

You are taking all the right steps: new friends, new interests, it really is just a mattter of time. Of course it is difficult seeing happy couples but instead of missing your X when you see them, know that one day you will have that too! True happiness, with someone that will make your world complete; let it remind you of what is in store, not what is lost.

 

So keep going out and spending time with friends/ family. Family can be truely amazing in times like this, no one cares about you as much as they do! They only think you should be "over this" by now is because they don't want to see you sad anymore; they see the potential you have and they know what you deserve and they just want you to see it too.

 

You had a bad day, that is why you feel tripped up, but I think in general you are doing fine. Good luck with everything.

 

Thanks so much for your words of support. Really picked me up a bit

[SadHeart79]

It's been 13 months for me and I still miss him terribly every day. I'm not over him at all. So don't put a time limit on your grief. One thing that's seriously detrimental to your healing, however, is knowing what's going on in his life. When a friend told me recently that my ex was in town, it really threw me for a loop. It's much, much better if I know nothing about what he's doing. Is there a way you can keep yourself from knowing?

 

 

I'm sorry that you are still missing your ex too. It's not a nice feeling at all. The only way I can keep myself from knowing about his life is to go N/C again, and hope I have the willpower to stick it out this time.

 

I'm not looking forward to this weekend at all. Weekends seem to be the worst for missing him, because that's when we used to spend the majority of our time together.

 

Ohhh, when will this sadness ever end?

[selena_cat]

please dont be friends with him ,any man who breaks it off with you is no one to have as a friend. i tried doing that, wh uybe there when he tells you casually,oh i met someone, no dont do it.

Like Rhonda Findings,the author who wrote dont call that man, best states,

'If a man dont want a relationship with you, or does not reciprocate your feelings why would you want him as a friend? Then you get to hear about his conquest?

i am sort of in the same slow boat of healing it took me a while and still is, youre not alone dont worry, i thought i was almost reading one of my post.

have you though t of going away on vacation? to a beach town, or some exciting city? a change of scenery may help alot,believe me i felt the same way and still healing. my therapist tells me i made lots of progress too , and many times they are telling the truth so give your self a break, plus you have a supportbuddy in me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are right. If you are ever meant to be friends, then it will happen, and if it takes 1 or 2 years, then so be it. I guess I'm just a little scared that if I cut him off completely, he will hate me and never want to have anything to do with me ever again. I guess that's just something I'll have to accept might happen.

 

I just wish I didn't still care about him so damn much!

[stillafool]

You are right. If you are ever meant to be friends, then it will happen, and if it takes 1 or 2 years, then so be it. I guess I'm just a little scared that if I cut him off completely, he will hate me and never want to have anything to do with me ever again. I guess that's just something I'll have to accept might happen.

 

I just wish I didn't still care about him so damn much!

 

 

He will never hate you for it as it is not your fault. He may miss you so much he comes back to you but he won't hate you. I remember trying to get over an ex once and it was too hard for me. I kept looking at the phone wanting him to call so I changed my phone number. That was great because it gave me the new start I needed. It definitely made n/c so much easier. I am friends with a few of my exes but to this day that particular ex of mine and I are not. Some you can't be anything else with but lovers and those are the ones you have to stay away from.

[0hpenelope]

Waitaminute.

 

...Why should you be over your break-up by now? Is there a guide? I want to see this guide. Clearly, then... I'm doing something wrong with my own healing that I'm not over mine yet.

 

I'm sorry, but it absolutely makes me sad when I hear people say "I should be over this" or "It's been this long since I last spoke with, so I shouldn't even be thinking like this." Who the heck dictates that? "Don't mourn for the relationship longer than the actual relationship." Puhleeze.. There's no set grieving timeline, you know? sunshinegirl's right.

 

I'm taking a while to get over Lawrence. He was my best friend first, my boyfriend next, my ex-boyfriend, and now... a stranger. Cutting off people that are actually toxic to your health even though you care so much about them... it's just hard. There's no working around it but time and seeking help from people who care for you.

 

If anyone gives you a hard time about how long it's taking you to get over your ex, send them my way. I'll knock some sense into them.

 

I hope you'll go NC with this guy. Relapsing into that pain and sadness and low regard, low respect for yourself... it's not worth it at all.

[roghornio]

Every time I think I am 100% through it all something happens to remind me otherwise.As I keep saying – days can go by where I don’t even think about any of it…. Until about 15 mins ago I was in a shop and a song came on I had not heard in a good few months – in fact the last time I heard it was with her at a party. I haven’t even recalled this memory since then, in fact I forgot all about that party - till right in that spot, but there I was at that party, could picture the lighting, the other people in the room, the clothes she was wearing, what she was doing – wooomph…. Sucked me right back, and made me feel quite sad actually… and now quite frankly I feel like knocking crap out something. I wasn't expecting those emotions at all.

 

No doubt it’ll pass in a hour or so, and everything will be fine… but those little reminders that take you right back to a moment are horrendous.

[tinke]

Yes, we never know just when those memories will be activated. The good news is, that the feeling ceases from lapses to moments..whew! And, I too now realize that these feelings will subside. It is very sad at the moment, the image so vivid, but...that reality kicks in and I can also now piece together some not-so-nice moments.

 

Hang in there and trust, IT WILL GET EASIER! Not sure if that pain ever completely goes away, but it becomes less intense..THEY become less and less significant.

[orangehose]

Yes, over time the ex becomes increasingly irrelevant. However, like rog was saying, you CAN still be thrown off by seeing them or experinecing some reminder. BUT, it takes a way shorter amount of time to 'recover' from the flashback.

 

I had a flashback experience of a sort today, and it brought back a chunk of anger I thought I had gotten over. But, you know what, reminders of bad people / experiences / things are going to provoke some amount of negative feeling, no matter how many years it's been.

 

It's not like there will ever be a day when you don't feel some emotion when contemplating (or forced to contemplate) something bad that happened to you; it's just that that 'bad thing' is no longer something your mind continually dwells on.