Shes always gets cold feet...now worried she will hurt me- reply?

[j_trap3]

Well I have been dating a great woman for the past two months. Early on she said she wanted nothing serious and was afraid of a serious relationship. She is 2 yrs removed froma divorce and has a 2 yr old son with joint custody. We satarted off very slow and she was actaully upset how slowly I made advances. She told me early on that she didnt want sex untial marriage and hade found christianity in the past yr and a half. I told her I was ok with that and repsected her and truely liked her. Recently things had begun to heat up and we began to talk daily and she would spend all her free evening with me. For a week and ahlf we went very quickly and much more intense with her telling me often how she liked me and loved hearing compliments.

 

In her bible study tonight, they read a passage where remarriage was not allowed and a sin...and her cold feet jumped quickly. She called me as soon as she got home saying the bible study was uncomfortable and that her cold feet and anxiety were running rampant. We talked for 3 hrs...one moment she wou notch-a move i was ok wiht, then the next mentioned complete frioends. She says she really likes me and that I have handled her diferant from her past dates and after her divorce. I told her I respected whatever decision came about and that I would prefer to date her exclusively..but take it slower...which she was ok with. But she kept going on about how she always hurts men in the end and didnt want to mislead me and hurt me down the road with the possibiblty it maybe very shortly.

I told her i was ok with it and that I truely respected her and wanted to be patiant with her.

 

Here is my delima.....

1: With her history of doing this....am I wasting my time and setting myself up for failure? I really want to date her even if we slow it down a notch or two...I really do.

2: How do I approach her and this situation? I want to tell her that I have faith in her and have told her that I think she is bright..and that I am repectful to whatever happens.

3. She mentioned the others guys freak out when they want to slow things down....but that I didnt and wanted to work along with her. Is this a good approach?

4: The conversation ended tonight with her going crazy in her head as she said...on not making a rash decison one way or another. What does this mean? I asked her to call me Thursday to let me know she is doing ok and that she is not stressed and we agreed to not talk daily and to keep our previous plans for Saturday open to see how she feels. She said she thought about curling up into a ball at home and staying in to avoid people. She seems to think she always hurts people because she gets cold feet. So how do I show her and tell her that I want to go slow again and be patiant. I can see myself being her friend if it doesnt work out....but dont really see it happening right away. I am not the one to drop of the dating thing and then pick them back up after being friends.

 

Thank you for reading my post here. I am new to the site, 28, great life around me and have dated very serious in the past. My last relationship ended horribly and it was over dramatic with me having to get a restraining order agaisnt my ex whom I live with. She is 26, a student, mother of a 2yr old son, and very open and honest. Together I think we have much in common and fit one another very well.....too well. I have dated a few since my last relationship ansd so has she.

Thank you upfront to any and all replies. this is a difficult turning point for me and I truely liek and repsect this woman....and want to make sure she cannot stress and help her in everyway possible.

 

Joe

[j_trap3]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Just an update to my post….[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]She called this am thanking me for listening last night and to say hi. She is going to visit her friends out of town this Friday and has hasn’t done that in over 4 months. I told her I wanted to lightly date and allow her to become more comfortable with dating and a relationship again. We have tentative plans for Saturday and I was supposed to attend her bible study group BBQ….but after the Corinthians talk last night in her group, she is afraid to have me come along. I told her I will try to keep the night open…and try to understand how it goes. She said she was feeling much better this am and was not thinking about the discussion in her group last night.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I am hoping to hear feedback from people as to what I can or should do in a situation like this. I want to be patient and understanding for her, but at the same time want to protect myself and make sure that she is not using a decoy or soft way to break things up with me. She has a history of walking away from dating from cold feet and she mentioned it quite a bit as we began to date.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]THANK YOU to any responses ahead of time and I really appreciate it.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[carhill]

Welcome

 

I would be patient but also date others. IMO, she needs to fix herself on her own time (IOW outside of a relationship).

 

I know this refrain "I always hurt men in the end" real well, and for some, it becomes their life mantra. Anyone who tells you that up front is telling you something really important.

 

Be very aware of mixed messages. You'll be getting a lot of them

[Ronni_W]

In her bible study tonight, they read a passage where remarriage was not allowed and a sin...and her cold feet jumped quickly. ...saying the bible study was uncomfortable and that her cold feet and anxiety were running rampant.

When there is ANY serious relationship problem, "too much" understanding can quickly turn to co-dependency.

 

And there is a problem when one (mis)uses religious teachings as an excuse to avoid/deny emotional issues.

Fear of emotional intimacy, or abandonment, or being emotionally vulnerable, or suffering from anxiety (whatever is at the bottom of her "cold feet") IS an emotional issue. The co-dependent behaviour comes in when you do not openly and honestly express your own needs and wishes; and just allow the dysfunctional pattern (cold feet) and behaviour (avoidance, denial) to continue without improvement.

 

As you've recounted it, my take is that it this isn't a "religion issue" but a "cold feet/anxiety" issue. You would be within your rights and responsibilities to offer to help her gain control of the real problem that is blocking her from being in a happy, fulfilling, understanding and supportive relationship.

[jadedone]

RUN! Don't look back, just RUN!

 

It's been 2 years since her divorce and she still has issues? RUN!

 

Most Christians of normal stable mental health, will not take the bible that literally. RUN!

[JoeNewbie]

I've always questioned the mental stamina and the judgment of women who split very shortly after having a baby. They either don't handle stress very well or they are attracted to guys who aren't right for them.

 

Either way, this smells like she's not stable.

 

As for the Bible part, perhaps you should remind her that divorcing in the first place is not supported by the Bible.

 

Sorry but I think she's crazy.

[JoeNewbie]

Also, you should not worry about whether she will hurt you or not. She will.

 

Now, you know yourself better than the rest of us. Are you chronically attracted to this kind of woman? Why?

 

I've seen red flags that were way less obvious than the ones you described. If you wish to continue in the relationship, better fasten your seatbelt.

[LionLover]

A lot of people are quick to jump from one relationship to the next & all that does is bring baggage from the last one into the next one. Everyone is different timewise but if she’s been single all that time & has taken the necessary steps then that would’ve given her ample opportunity to resolve most of that. It is very kind & thoughtful of you to want to be understanding/supportive of her in that capacity & that is something she should value & appreciate.

 

1: Good insight into how someone bodes in a relationship is reflected by their previous relationships. Were they quick or none at all? (i.e. was her marriage short lived, does she have repeated history of short term relationships one to the next, was she single most of her adult life, etc.) Those are some indicators of someone w/commitment issues.

 

There’s a difference between commitment issues versus someone having their guard up from past experiences so it's important to know the distinction.

 

2. By making it very clear to her what your concerns with her are, what her exact concerns are with you, what you both want with each other.

 

3. Yes because it demonstrates you are reliable & committed to making the RL relationship work. The guys who freak out are the ones who have an ulterior agenda. I dated a guy a year or so ago who I’d only known for about 3 weeks, he pressured me for a relationship from day one saying he was already falling in love w/me. That was a huge red flag in my eyes & sure enough I was right.

 

4: Something obviously set her off. As a female, I tend to do that when I believe someone is intentionally trying to provoke me. As for the cold feet thing, perhaps ask her for better insight as to what is prompting her to have those cold feet. You said she has a history of hurting/misleading men. How exactly & what are her reasons for it?

 

There's nothing wrong with going slow & you should both be willing to do that together. Keep the lines of communication open with each other otherwise things tend to get misinterpreted & causes all sorts of misunderstandings.

[Mahatma]

if she is significantly religious, and you are not, walk away.

 

Otherwise, take your time and build her comfort. It sounds to me like she needs some time for herself though.

[j_trap3]

Thank you and I appreciate all of the feedback. I am torn in what I should do here. My last relationship as absolutely horrible as i said before...but this woman has a better head to some degree. She is very mixed up and sacred of committment and she mentioned that she need smore time to herself when she has no son around. We met when she replied to an online ad that I had....adn we took it VERY slow until 2 weeks ago when she mentioned she wanted me to pursue her more. She has dated a few men since the divorce (her husband was a drunk and druggie) and she only married becasue he got her pregnant. She says she was never really proposed too and bascially tried to make the marriage work herself. She often talks about past dating adventures and experiances..and I think it builds up badly in her head. I told her last night that if she wanted me to step away and break it up then I woud...but she said she was jsut sscared that she would hurt me and she has been on and off the fence the entire time dating...which i understand. at times she is very excited and anxious to talk...adn recently has talked a ton about waiting till marriage for sex and everything else. We had plans to go to her bible study bbq sat and know she says she is against it after her group discussed relationships and remarriage is bad unless adultery was comitted. I am a devote catholic and overall laid back and good man. I dont want to see myself hurt badly...but I know in my mind I can be patiant since I dont want anything serious right now either and try to show her over tikme how paitant and good natured i am.

She did say all of the other guys freaked out when she wanted to slow things down and she is still friedns with two...but instead I offered my assistance and help

 

am i leading myself into trouble? Am i a better man in her eyes for agreeing to slow things down and call and visit less often>

[LionLover]

We met when she replied to an online ad that I had....adn we took it VERY slow until 2 weeks ago when she mentioned she wanted me to pursue her more.

 

Pursue in what way, exclusitivity?

 

I don't know about the rest of the stuff, crap I'm confused by just reading it.

[carhill]

IMO, "pursue", in this case, with two old dating partners as friends, means adding an additional layer of external validation for someone who wears it like a blanket

[LionLover]

IMO, "pursue", in this case, with two old dating partners as friends, means adding an additional layer of external validation for someone who wears it like a blanket

 

I don't know all this church crap (no offense to the religious) is weird.

[carhill]

Trust me, as a schooled Catholic and longtime virgin, I'm right there with ya

[D-Lish]

I'd run screaming from someone that took the bible so literally and allowed a church to have so much influence over their decisions. Don't people think for themselves anymore?

 

I mean, believe in god if that's your thing, go to church even... but live life too! She's literally give up a relationship because she doesn't think god would want her to be happy and remarried one day? That's messed up.

 

I see her "chase me"-"go away" behaviour as a major red flag. She flip flops too much on what she wants. Does she want you to puruse you or does she want to take space??? She's so inconsistent. Yes, this kind of person will probably hurt you if you allow yourself to become too invested in her.

[j_trap3]

D-Lish you are right on a few levels with your post. This revelation by here should not have been a surprise to me....and I still let it surprise me. She recently found god about a year to a year and a half ago. She was slowly gettin cold feet prior to the bible study discussion...adn I dont think she has really learned the bible and how to translate it into her life. She seems to ahve a hard time relaxing and going with the flow..but instead seems to think too far ahead and stress out.

 

Her call to thank me in the early am today was a bit odd and surprising as I mentioned. In a strange way, I feel like she used me to a fegree to get away from being a mother and feeling special be receiving compliments and seeing women hit on me when we went out. She sadi she would call later tonight before san fran...but I will not pursue her aggresively like she had once wanted. I've decided to stay low key for a bit...maybe meet up for a light bite to eat, talk every other day and keep it simple.

 

I am going to also ask her to not talk about her past relationships or fear of a serious relationship with me again. Neither are importatn to the present and I feel they add fuel to the anxiety that she suffers from. From how I have read her...she seems like a honest person and has no time to go out or do something to jeopardize my trust even as a friend. I do feel in a way that she holds herself too accountable for her past short term dates and she is a mess in her head. The replies on here have varied but each has had a great perspective and I really appreciate it. It sounds odd, but I am still going to lay low key and watch her actions and conversation before i decide to slow down the progress off our dating. We never got serious in my mind and we decided eaarly on to hold off intimacy and try to take it slow..but she fell a short time after that into liking me. I will continue to update and learn from the posts on here

 

thanks

[Mahatma]

Don't people think for themselves anymore?

 

It sure seems like a lot of people let the interpretations of the bible tell them how to think.

[j_trap3]

Well this cold feet girl is starting to make me think too much. As I explained in earlier posts..she is afraid of committment from her past and always runs from guys when things get a bit more serious. We didnt hang all weekend, but she called a few times since she was sick. She called earlier tonight before she thought she would fall asleep from cold meds...and threw out the idea of going to the state fair together thursday and have a good time. The night went on and she texted me if it was ok if her recently single cousin could join us. She wanted me to meet her in the past and I turned it down since they were out for girls night and her and her cousin hung out last friday in the bay with friends. I am ok with going slow with this girl...but bringing her cousin whos our age along seems like its a bit more serious.....or if shes trying to get her opinion on me. Either way it leaves me confused and a bit odd.

 

We agreed to move slow and without a title to what we are doing, but it seems to me like she is trying to get someones elses feedback on me.She told me before that her and her cousin have similar tastes in men and recently the girl has been worried about hurting me if things dont work out. She had said before she was on the fence about me because she wouldnt want to hur tme like all others...but couldnt find a reason to drop me when she thought about it in her head. At first when we dated she mistook me for a passive and lame guy...when she found out the other side of me she went crazy. (she used to think i was similar to the allen guy from 2.5 men)

 

So my question is do I tell her I want it to be just her and I that night...or allow her to bring her cousin to see how it goes. We have not been out together since we slowed things down and I have tried to keep our talks short over the phone. After receiveing that text earlier invovling her cousin coming, I replied I am cool but surprised that she was cool with it. She texted back call me if you want me to convince you about thurday night

Is it a game?

Is it a good way to approach dating slower now?

What the heck is going thru her head or should i do

 

Thanks up front to all repsonses and thanks to the past replies

 

Lost

[carhill]

Focus on what's going through your head.

 

1. Do you want to date her anymore? Why?

 

2. If yes, do you want to go on a group date? Really?

 

What I'm pushing here is being honest with yourself. Before you can be honest with anyone, you have to be honest with yourself. We don't know you and don't really care, so be honest with us

[D-Lish]

What are your religious views?

I am telling you now, if they aren't compatible with hers, it will make it impossible to have a relationship.

 

Me, personally, I could never be with someone who was so entwined with their faith. We would never make it.

 

I would find it so incredibly ridiculous that someone felt they didn't deserve happiness with me because they had read something that frowned upon it in the bible.

 

I did have a similar experience. After my divorce, I met a catholic guy that I had a great fondness for, and him for me. He admitted after 4 months that he couldn't ever introduce me to his parents because they were catholic and would never accept my divorced status. I left him the very night he brought that up. It was offensive and silly to me....because I couldn't comprehend how someone could think in those terms.

 

If someone can't think for themselves and is that easily led and confused by their faith... I'd say it's too big of a red flag to overlook.

 

It boggles my mind that someone would allow bible study to interfere with true love and happiness. She honestly believes she had one shot with love and now must accept being a spinster because her bible buddies tell her so??? That's very, very unfortunate.

 

I truly believe you deserve much more from a person and a relationship.

You're a nice guy with good intentions and an obvious abundance of patience. You are entitled to be in a relationship without these kinds of obstacles that will make your dating experience with this woman a roller coaster ride that ends in pain.