Agent_99 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 So I think we are going through a 'honeymoon' phase. I only moved back to the area about a month ago. And despite our intentions not to resume the affair within the county, well we see each other a couple times a week. We now work together. It was her rec. that helped me get my job, so while we don't have the exact same schedule, she's there for the last half of my shift. We don't talk much at work. But instead of talking on the phone during her lunch break we sit in the parking lot and talk. She keeps kissing me bye when it's time for her to go back in. In broad daylight, in a small town, where people know people. Today we spent a couple hours at the park, just talking, but when we walked around she held my hand. I asked her about that and basically the conclusion was if she was seen with me she's scr-d anyway. She has stated many many times that she can't be the one to leave her partner, but if P were to leave. . . P now knows that MW and I have talked a few times since D-Day. Obviously doesn't know that A continued. Supposedly is dealing with it, knows we work together and all that too, just not that we spend any time together. So is it possible that she wants to get caught? I am reading more into this than I should be? Should I even give a s--t? I think the last one is the question that I'm supposed to be asking myself, but emotionally I can't help but wonder. but I am seriously looking for some perspective on this, so that I can let it go. ~99
wildsoul Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 FWIW, during a time when my xMM was supposed to be announcing a more formal separation (but dragging his feet) it also occurred to me that he might be doing things to get "caught" instead. There was a series of little things. Also a bigger thing was that he was pressuring me to skip condoms, and I'm not on birth control. I had a funny feeling that he was unconsciously hoping something would happen to make her do what he couldn't. Then I thought about it some more and then really started to realize what a landmine that would be for me. Never mind whether or not he was trying to get caught. Let's set motive aside. What if he did get caught? I saw only one real probable outcome from that: His wife might blow up, but probably give him another chance, conditional on him never seeing me again. It might help him exit (eventually) but that situation would probably break us apart, not make him leave her for me. Red flag, red flag, black flag! That was the wake up call thinking that made me call bullshot on his slow negotiations for separation and why I initially broke up with him. Besides, it just felt creepy. I don't want to feel like I have to hide my love. I don't want to worry about expressing affection in public. I want to love freely and openly.
nadiaj2727 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Wildsoul's post has tons of insight. I hope you can read it and re-read it and learn something from it, agent! Why do you want to be with a woman who has to hide you and to have something external happen to (maybe) be with you?
D-Lish Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Hey, It doesn't matter if she is looking to get caught or not... what should matter is if she has the balls to leave her SO and shout out to the world- I am with this dude I really like. Isn't that what you would want? Do you want to be the "secret" or the "pawn"? She is obviously unhappy- yet lacking the ability to address those issues. Yes, I am sure she is looking to get caught. Do you want to have a relationship with someone who will never be able to address issues? Do you want to be that guy 5 years from now that hears at a town meeting that your wife is holding hands with the paper boy in the park? If you're worthy of being her SO- let her make the move to show you so; you deserve that.
SnowWhite924 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Interesting question. My exMM used to do things like that too. He would hold my hand and kiss me out in the street, and in stores, and this was was in our own small town! I also wondered if he wanted to get caught. I would be the one to tell him not to do those things in public. He never cared. I don't have an answer for you but your situation sounds similar to mine.
Author Agent_99 Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 FWIW, during a time when my xMM was supposed to be announcing a more formal separation (but dragging his feet) it also occurred to me that he might be doing things to get "caught" instead. There was a series of little things. Also a bigger thing was that he was pressuring me to skip condoms, and I'm not on birth control. I had a funny feeling that he was unconsciously hoping something would happen to make her do what he couldn't. Then I thought about it some more and then really started to realize what a landmine that would be for me. Never mind whether or not he was trying to get caught. Let's set motive aside. What if he did get caught? I saw only one real probable outcome from that: His wife might blow up, but probably give him another chance, conditional on him never seeing me again. It might help him exit (eventually) but that situation would probably break us apart, not make him leave her for me. Red flag, red flag, black flag! That was the wake up call thinking that made me call bullshot on his slow negotiations for separation and why I initially broke up with him. Besides, it just felt creepy. I don't want to feel like I have to hide my love. I don't want to worry about expressing affection in public. I want to love freely and openly. I did go into the affair knowing that it would only be an affair. Feelings grew and we had to deal with a lot because we both naively thought it would just be physical. You do have alot to say that makes me think. There is a reason that I participate on these forums and it isn't because I want to continue the A. I've tried going NC too many times to count, and it doen't work for me. What I am doing is baby steps. I've quit being the one to initiate times to meet, etc. We actually had a D-day the end of march. It involved me moving away the same week. And a lot of anger/feelings of betrayal onher part since I was the one who exposed our A. Now that I have moved back we have to hide, where before we were openly friends, we just had benefits a couple times a month. It is different, and harder. I can't just call her up and see if she wants to go to a movie or lunch anymore. I am with this dude I really like. Isn't that what you would want? Do you want to be the "secret" or the "pawn"? She is obviously unhappy- yet lacking the ability to address those issues. Yes, I am sure she is looking to get caught. Do you want to have a relationship with someone who will never be able to address issues? Do you want to be that guy 5 years from now that hears at a town meeting that your wife is holding hands with the paper boy in the park? If you're worthy of being her SO- let her make the move to show you so; you deserve that. Dude - I'm not a dude. I'm a chic. Sorry for the lack of clarity on that. No I don't like being a secret. No I don't want to be with someone who doesn't address issues, BUT she does. There is an issue in her regular relationship that she tries to address over and over and over. It doesn't change and due to a lot of other things, she can't just up and leave. She's just not ready. And I am aware that I deserve better, she is too. Interesting question. My exMM used to do things like that too. He would hold my hand and kiss me out in the street, and in stores, and this was was in our own small town! I also wondered if he wanted to get caught. I would be the one to tell him not to do those things in public. He never cared. I don't have an answer for you but your situation sounds similar to mine. It is confusing. I am trying to get some clear boundaries set so that I can move on, and when I start she does things like this. I understand that she doesn't get any physical affection at home and she does get that from me, but these are things that would have crossed some serious lines before. Now SHE is the one crossing these lines. We recently went through a period where she started considering leaving her partner. I actually got up the balls and asked her. Maybe this is part of that. I just don't know, and when I talk to her about it, she doesn't really have an answer for me, beyond she loves me and wants to show me affection. In the mean time, it doesn't change my plans for moving on. It just adds an emotional burden to an already confusing time. ~99
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