New mom depression

[Isis1808]

I have a 7 month old and i love him to death but ever since i gave birth ive been feeling bad about myself and insecure. Im still not working and thats my choice b/c my son and i both have seperation anxiety, but im going crazy staying home all the time. Dont get me wrong i do go outside every so often but its just not nearly enough. I feel like im worth nothing (since im not working) and its really getting to me and since i feel this way its taking a toll on my realtionship with my bf. I feel like since i feel this way about myself then i can even imagine how he feels about me, and its making me really insecure about our relationship. I dont know what to do anymore, any advice on how to cope with this will be greatly appreciated. I need activited to do besides cooking, cleaning and taking care of the baby (Something that i can do with him will be great). Any ideas, opinions and advice is greatly needed.

[Storyrider]

Look on Craigslist or go to the park and see if you can find a neighborhood playgroup. Even though your baby is too young to play with other kids now, he will be ready before you know it, and in the meantime, you will have other adults to talk to. You need to find other stay at home moms, or yes, you will go crazy. Also, get your husband to watch the baby and get out on your own one evening a week, even if it is just to browse in a library or bookstore or go see a movie. You have to have a life, even though you're a mom. You are neglecting yourself right now, which isn't good for your son, either.

 

When you're at home, try to make phone calls to keep connected, or come on here and chat with people. Or, you can buddy up with another mom friend and take turns going to each other's houses. I had a friend and we would do that once a week, and stay all day. Eventually the kids got old enough so that they would play together, and we would usually cook a meal together and then split it up and take it home.

[Meaplus3]

I have a 7 month old and i love him to death but ever since i gave birth ive been feeling bad about myself and insecure. Im still not working and thats my choice b/c my son and i both have seperation anxiety, but im going crazy staying home all the time. Dont get me wrong i do go outside every so often but its just not nearly enough. I feel like im worth nothing (since im not working) and its really getting to me and since i feel this way its taking a toll on my realtionship with my bf. I feel like since i feel this way about myself then i can even imagine how he feels about me, and its making me really insecure about our relationship. I dont know what to do anymore, any advice on how to cope with this will be greatly appreciated. I need activited to do besides cooking, cleaning and taking care of the baby (Something that i can do with him will be great). Any ideas, opinions and advice is greatly needed.

 

I went through the same exact thing when I had my first child. I also did not know many people with a new baby so I found it tough to cope. I really needed an outlet. A friend of mine suggested that I contact my local chamber of commerce so I did. By doing this, I found a most wonderful playgroup and it changed my life. I meet on a regular basis with new mom's in the same boat. I felt such a sense of relief as it felt great to be back in touch with people again. So, I would try and find something in your local area where you can get together with new moms. Also, you can always take little trips to the park, a shopping mall or even a fun place for kids. You'd be suprised who you could meet. Good luck to you.

 

AP:)

[stillafool]

I agree with the above posters about getting involved with a playgroup. Don't forget you are working and you are doing the most important job in the world - raising your son.

[KinAZ]

I know the feeling, and was a SAHM full time with my first. I haven't done the playgroup thing, but it sounds like a good idea. However, I do think you should start dealing with the separation anxiety asap. From experience, if you stay in the current situation for too long, it could be harder to go back to "normal". From my experience, it could create new anxieties.

 

Especially if you know a sitter you can trust, start leaving the baby for short periods of time. (I called about 5 or 6 times the first time I left my son with a sitter, so it's not going to be easy. And I was only working part time!) It might help if you can spend time with the baby and the sitter first, so that you both become more comfortable. Even if you don't want to go back to work full time once you do go back, try not to let your fears control you.

 

You can use that hour or two to get manicure, do a little shopping, or whatever it may be out by yourself. It can be refreshing...

 

My youngest will be 4 and still has not been in day care. He's always with me or my mother. It's VERY easy to let a situation continue on like this, and in the beginning it always seems very harmless. But he's now at a point where he needs to start getting used to a school setting (at least part time), he needs to work on his social skills, and he needs to be used to being with people other than mommy and Granny. When I finally put my oldest in daycare it was heartbreaking because, while he was at a sitter half day for 3 months starting when he was around 5 months old, for a full 2 years after that he was only with me all day everyday.

 

Even if you decide not to go back to work at all, it will still be good for both of you to work through this separation anxiety.

 

Best wishes!

[Stung]

i am six months pregnant with my first, and am planning to be a stay-at-home-mom for at least the first couple of years. i'm lucky in that i have been working predominantly from home for the past few years, so the transition will hopefully not be as sharp for me as it is for most, however, i do still expect my world to get thoroughly rocked. i had a couple of bouts with clinical depression in my late teens and early twenties (almost ten years ago now), so i have been worrying about my potential predisposition to postpartum depression; my pregnancy has been very stressful due to several outside complications, which have left me struggling with the baby blues already.

 

i bought some books on prenatal and postpartum depression which i am currently making my partner read. i have enough experience with the phenomenon of depression to know that the person going through it can't always identify their experience, so i want him to be well-informed and ready to step in if need be. i am also already planning joining mommy-and-me classes and babygym activities as soon as my son is old enough (usually around six months), for the exact reasons the above ladies specified: to force myself to get out of the house and socialize with other at-home moms in my situation, as well as to get some playdates and new experiences for the rugrat.

 

in addition, my parents are retired and live in my next-door home city, which happens to be where most of my friends still live; it's their first grandbaby so they are already setting up a second nursery in my old bedroom. i plan to try to take my son there for at least a few hours one day a week, every week, sometimes for a family visit, sometimes to drop him off while i go have lunch or see a museum or a movie with a girlfriend. my son will also have another grandma, an older half-sister, and a bevy of aunts and cousins in our own town to keep him loved and occupied so i can sneak out for a dinner date with my man once in a while. i know this will be hard for me to do at first, but i want to try to nip my own separation anxiety in the bud, if i can; keep it from blossoming out-of-control. i would never leave my baby boy with anyone for very long, esp. as i plan to try to breastfeed, but still, i don't want to clip my own wings too severely.

 

now, i know these are all theoretical plans and life doesn't work the way we expect it to. i'll probably be too overwhelmed the first few months to make good on any of them, but i do want to TRY, and mainly for my own mental health. i am very, very aware of the slippery slope that is depression and the difficulties of retrieving yourself from it's depths, and want to try to stave it off forever if i can.

 

i don't know if you have that kind of potential extended-family support, but the mommy groups and classes are still a great idea. but all of that doesn't address one of your central concerns, a feeling of worthlessness due to giving up your salaried job. i'm not sure how to help you with that one. i hope you can adjust your thinking; after all, as one previous poster mentioned, you ARE working, at a VERY important job: you're raising a child, keeping it alive every day and guiding it as it's brain grows and begins to absorb knowledge.

 

if you can't reconcile yourself to it, though, that's okay. i think you should consider going back to work and looking into daycare when your baby is around 1, if you are still feeling this central angst about working. your mental health is worth the expense. not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM, just like not everyone is cut out to be a WM. mothers whose children go to daycare are not lesser mothers. i went to a small daycare starting at 9 months and i never resented my parents for it, i LOVED it, and since i was an only child i think it taught me really valuable social skills. my stepdaughter has gone to the same daycare since before she was in preschool, and it's a wonderful influence for her, as well.

[Isis1808]

Thanks so much you all gave me lots of ideas, i really like the playgroup idea, i will be looking into that in my area. Im going to also set up a schedule so that i can leave him with someone at least for an hour or two once a week. Thanks so much for everything. Stillafool, you made me tear, i wasnt thinking about things that way. Your right thats the most important job ill ever have so i should make the best of it.

 

Stung, Lots of luck on your new bundle of joy!!

 

Thanks again for the advice, its opened my eyes to try new things with my son and alone... Thanks

[SnapCracklePop]

If you have a community center in your area, that is a good place to look for existing playgroups. Other than that, perhaps you might have a mall to walk in - I know in my area, plenty of moms meet at the mall to talk and have a coffee.

 

As for feeling like you are not contributing - really, don't feel like that. First, you are cooking and cleaning, 7 days a week, probably more than 8 hrs per day right? Anyone here care to guess what that is worth if you were to hire someone?

 

And to top it off, you are raising your child... and that is a big deal. You are making the person your son will become. Don't ever understimate the value of that.

 

You are feeling down - my guess is that you need to interact with other adults (much like you would if you worked outside the home). Playgroups will definitely help and you will be in a group of others that share common daily challenges.

[Isis1808]

I remember seeing a community center in my area but didnt really pay much mind to it, but i will be stopping by now to see what they offer. Thanks so much.