upsilone Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 ok, so here's my story: I have been dating this most beautiful Chinese girl for the past 10 months. During the first 6 months, we were in full love, confident, caring for eachother etc etc... But I KNEW she was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. She was the only girlfriend I ever had (at the age of 17... kinda late) and I just knew that the first one I will finally get shall be THE ONE. She wanted to go university in the US which is basicly on the other side of the globe from where we lived (Switzerland) and I wanted to join her a year later (unfortunately, she was older than me by 1 year...) However, she returned to her native country China for 2 weeks during christmas and she suddently cought feelings for another guy. She dated him for one whole day... When she came back, I couldn't believe she cheated on me, I felt like dying and told her that I don't want to be in a double relationship with her whilst she is also with another guy over there. I asked her to choose between me and him... She took 2 weeks to reply to me, but she chose me in the end. I then forgave her and we got back together again, closer than ever and we really loved eachother for a long time. This was like a test to see how we can both stay together when living far apart (since we would have had to do so for at least a year). However, there came the Easter vaccations, and we kinda didn't speak to eachother much. Although we did go out a few times. When we came back, the relationship somewhat got weird... I really loved her still, but she just acted distant. After the next 2 months in which she really got distant (actually refused to kiss me and hug me for more than 1 minute) and I started wondering what was wrong with her. I asked her, and she told me she couldn't feel love towards me anymore. She really felt close to me, but it wasn't what she used to feel. I asked her if I did anything wrong, but she said I didn't. I know myself I didn't. I always respected her in all the ways I could, gave her what she always dreamt of having, took her out to interesting places, and spent time with her in places that I would never go to if it wasn't for her. I did everything in my power to make her pleased. I must have spent about $4000 just during these first 8 months by bying her stuff she wanted, offering her food, and taking her out to places. The next month after, she started refusing me paying her anything. Each time I invited her to the restaurant, she insisted on paying for herself, and same goes for all the places we visited and all the stuff she wanted to buy. Finally, came the end of school, and she returned to China again. What I feared happened... She fell in love with yet another guy. I didn't know about it at first when she came back. She acted so so distant, that I actually forced her to sit down with me and tell me honestly if she wanted to carry on, or stop it there. She really hesitated for about 2 and half hours and stayed silent thinking beside me. She then finally told me that she couldn't offer me the love I wanted. And our relationship kinda ended there. I got really suspecious during the following week. I felt something was not right in the way she just stopped talking to me after that. I wanted to know everything she was doing. I was constantly checking her facebook to see if she would add or receive any comments that may hint me on what is going on with her. But of course, everything was written in her Chinese language, so I couldn't understand. I then had the idea of logging on her e-mail. She told me her code when we were together, and I probably did something that is considered illegal, but that was really necessary for me to do to find out what is going on. I then found out she met another guy back in China. Although she met him with another friend, she fell terribly in love with him. After we broke up, she told him her real feelings, and the guy said he also felt love towards her... Basicly, they got together over the internet -.- The worst thing is, I also knew this guy before. He used to be... not a friend, but a good pal of mine and we used to laugh about stuff together when he still used to go to our school. After I cut off our relationship for 2 weeks, there came the national holiday of Switzerland and I asked her if she wanted to go out with me to see the fireworks. She accepted, and we had a really wonderful night... even though it was as friends. She admitted to me that she was now with that guy, and that they both loved eachother. The next day, I learnt that Chinese guy who is now officialy in a relationship with her promised her he would do what I wanted to do at first... transfer to her university next year. I feel like killing that guy, and trust me, if I had a gun and I was now in front of him, I would have probably already done so. He knew that I loved that girl and he still dared take her away from me. Yesterday, she left for the US to go to her new university. I made her a surprise and got up at 4 am to catch up with her at 5 am before she passes the security. I prepared her a necklace that she always wanted and could never find. I found it for her after days of research. I cought up with her, and said: "I really needed to see you one more time". She felt extremely moved and hugged me for the first time for about 2 whole minutes... even under the curious observation of her parents. I feel that we are still extremely close. I am still fully in love with her, and I just can't let go. I know that she will probably have another 100 occasions to cheat on me, and yet I feel that destiny wants me to stay together with her. I simply can't forget her. I'm really not sure what to do now... I really REALLY want to stay in contact with her and I want her to come back to me. I am trying to use a strategy that is basicly to always help her with any problem she may have. Try and call her as often as possible so that she hears my voice more than that other guy's and help her remove the stress that she will be facing in the future. If I let go of her now, I feel like I will have let go of my other half... of the one and only girl that ever fell in love with me, and that I ever loved so so badly..... Do you guys thik I am doing the right thing????... I know that she will visit Switzerland during the winter, and I was planning on taking her out on the most extraordinary date she would have ever had. I really want to conquer her heart again... and I really want it to continue. Is it still possible to shift a girl's heart once she leaves you... although she still isn't sure if she did the right thing?....
saams Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 i really think you need to move on, i mean she left you for another guy and she cheated on you, even if she came back what makes you think she wont do that again and again.. it seems hard now to move on but trust me, it gets easyer with time and you will realise in the end you did a good thing letting her go.. i think you should completly stop contacting her for awhile.. imo the only way you will get over it, belive me it's gonna be alot harder to deal with if you keep in contact with her hoping for a second chance and she wont give it..
xpaperxcutx Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Out of at least a billion chinese girls, you have to fall for one that cheats on you? Wow. Hey I'm Chinese too, and I swear you've just been played. Can I explain something about her behaviour? Most asians nowadays are very materialistic and you wasting that much money on her shows and tell her that she had you in her palms. She plays it all innocent, but we all know that she's not, otherwise she wouldn't run off to China and fall in love with a guy she's only met for a day. Your gullibility in forgiving her afterwards only showed her that she could get away with other things, which was why she wasn't hesitant in falling in love again with the second guy. Also I would like to add, most Asian family would prefer their children to marry successful Asian men and not western men because they're too traditional to fully embrace interracial relationships. Maybe you loved her, and she might have loved you, but she walked away, because she never expected the relationship to last.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Sorry I may be a bit harsh with the previous post, but I would prefer that you reread what you wrote and think on certain things. When a girl says that she fell in love with another guy after 8 months with you, you have to really wonder how much she had loved you to begin with. Also the distance between the two of you is too great to work out a relationship where she had already cheated on you once. She seems to fall in love very quickly with strangers, and that might explain alot about herself, that when it comes to relationships, her emotions are ruled by infatuation. I'm sorry that this had to happen with you, but you can't expect to win back a girl that doesn't love you. You say you love her now, but feelings eventually change. There is no strategy to win her back. Live your own life and don't expect anything from her. Don't bombard her with calls because she'll only come to hate you for it. Don't ask her out for dates when she visits Switzerland because she'll probably won't want to see you. You're 17, you're still too young to truly understand the meaning of love.
Author upsilone Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 For a start, I'm 18 now. I got with her when I was still 17. Secondly, I really think that can be the only reason for her not to want to be with me. I mean, I think I'm good looking, or at least ok. I behave like any guy is supposed to, I don't smoke, take drugs, and very rarely drink anything. The fact that she might only prefer Chinese is something I seriously considered... But when I asked her if that's why she left me, she said it had nothing to do with that. "I really tried loving you again, but I just can't do it at the moment. Maybe I need a bit more time to think about it". That's what she told me yesterday on the phone. But still, she seemed really pleased to hear my voice. Everyone is telling me I should move on. But the problem is I just lost total confidence in myself, and letting it go won't make it easier for me... I feel that if I let go, I will let go of something that took me 10 whole months to build. She also said that she would really love to go out with me again... but yes, she goes out a lot with other friends so I think she didn't mean it love wise. Maybe it will pass overtime...
MalachiX Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 You want honest advice? Ok, this is brutal but sometimes brutal is what someone needs to here: YOU'RE BEING A CHUMP! Do you really think that at the age of 17 and after dating someone for only 6 months you'd really know that they were the one for the rest of your life? People are in relationships for years and decades before they come to conclusion that they need something else. The bottom line is that you're not being honest with yourself. You're just believing what you want to believe. It was your first GF and clearly you built that into a lot since you seem to think 17 is so incredibly late to have your first serious relationship. You're basically a kid who's in love with the idea of being in love. You said yourself that you blew a ton of money on this girl, forgave her cheating on you, and then still bought her stuff, stalked her, and tried to win her back after it was over. These aren't the actions of a mature individual who really understands relationships (not saying that I do). These are the actions of a love-struck kid who's dealing with the fallout over his first relationship. I can't blame you for letting it affect you the way it has. Everyone's first love is going to be a big point for them. That said, if you really want to grow as a person, it's time to stop kidding yourself and realize that she wasn't the one and if she was, she wouldn't have left you for someone else. Go back again and re-read your own post. You're viewing things rationally. You start with the assumption that you must have been meant to be together and then start trying to figure out why your EX didn't realize that. You don't seem to even allow for the possability that maybe you weren't right for each other. If she doesn't want you she doesn't want you. Going through her e-mails, stalking her on facebook, and thinking violent thoughts about her new guy isn't a smart thing. You're still at a point in your life where the type of person you're going to be is forming (another reason why it's unlikely that you'd really know the ONE when you met her). Don't get into these obsessive habbits. Guys who go down that path end up becoming abusers because they're so damn sure that their relationship garunteed in the stars that they don't feel they're entitled to do anything. As I've said, you're still young and you're at a key point in your life. What kind of guy do you wanna be? Do you wanna be the type of guy who people like and who ex girl friends say, "it didn't work but he was a great guy?" Or do you wanna be the obsessive controlling boyfriend who girls are always trying to get away from? Secondly, I really think that can be the only reason for her not to want to be with me.How about she doesn't love you? Or how about this, maybe she did love you but the way you were so incredibly serious about the relationship and your destiny to be together scared her away. Christ, the girl is only 17. Maybe she didn't want to have met the man for the rest of her life so young. Maybe she wanted to date for a while, live for herself, and discover who she was. I've known a lot of guys who get into their first relationship and blow it by deciding their GF is their soul-mate and stark talking marriage, kids, and other stuff. I mean, I think I'm good looking, or at least ok. I behave like any guy is supposed to, I don't smoke, take drugs, and very rarely drink anything. Not to beat a dead horse but the fact that this is how you look at your relationship indicates you really aren't ready for something so serious as a life long commitment. Honestly, do you think you're the only guy on the face of the Earth who looks "OK," behaves "like a guy is supposed to," and doesn't use drugs? Do you honestly think that's all that is needed for a life-long commitment? Everyone is telling me I should move on. But the problem is I just lost total confidence in myself, and letting it go won't make it easier for me...Very good, now we're perhaps gettin somewhere. It's too hard for you to let go. If you do, you have to admit you were wrong about this girl and start from scratch. You'll have to learn from your mistakes and grow. It's a lot easier just to convince yourself that you two are meant to be together and keep trying to win her back. People will often do anything in their power to avoid growing and changing. You're doing that now. I feel that if I let go, I will let go of something that took me 10 whole months to build.Ten months? Try two and a half years for my last relationship. Try three and a half years for my best friends which he just got out of. Try fifteen years for another friend who's still trying to move on because his divorce messed him up so bad. How many years of a broken relationship do you need before you can admit it's not working? Would you rather have been together 20 years, have had year after year of her growing more distant and things feeling wrong, had kids and a life together, and then decide you've wasted the last 20 years of your life? Ok, I'm done. I apologize for being blunt and probably rude. Sometimes people need a slap in the fact and, since I can't do it with my hands, I've got to do it verbally. Good luck.
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