My "rules" and relationship observations

[shadowplay]

This is mostly just for fun, so don't take anything I say too seriously. It's a combination of stuff I've gathered from field experience and my stay on LS. Feel free to add your own rules and insights.

 

1) if you are a woman do not pursue a man. never works.

 

2) even in a relationship you should let the guy do most of the calling and initiating.

 

3) don't share too many insecurities with your partner. if you think doing this will build closeness, you're wrong.

 

4) don't mistake having insecurities in common as a deep emotional connection. a relationship where you bond over acquired scars or bitterness about humanity will fail. indeed any relationship based on shared negativity will fail.

 

5) internet dating is mostly a waste of time. (haven't done it myself, but that's what htey tell me)

 

6) empathy is one of the most important traits in a partner, one that people too often overlook. confidence and other superficial traits usually take precedence, and then people often find themselves up **** creek down the road when they realize their bf/gf is an ahole. one good way of testing someone's empathy is to see whether they ask questions about your life.

 

7) self-proclaimed "nice guys" are often just secret aholes who weren't handsome, confident, or whatever enough to make the cut. You can usually separate the true nice guys from the posers by how they respond to a series of stinging rejections. A genuine nice guy will stay nice, while a fake nice guy will reveal his true nature by switching over to the dark side.

 

8) in a relationship don't overdo the contact. More than 4 days a week is usually a passion killer. if you're married or living together, take frequent mini vacations or trips apart to give each other space.

 

9) listen carefully to the observations of other people on the person you are dating. if a lot of people think your SO is an ahole, there is probably something you're not seeing. first impressions of your SO from other people are priceless.

 

10) If a guy hasn't told you he loves you after six months of dating, something is probably wrong. every successful relationship i know of the l-word was dropped within the first few months.

 

11) don't date a bisexual or bicurious man.

 

12) if you are a woman don't freak out if your husband looks at porn.

[xpaperxcutx]

1) Always never take someone's drunk dialing seriously because they always regrets and apologizes first thing in the morning

 

2) When on a dinner date, if you don't like the guy, always pay for your half of the dinner so he won't feel obligated to kiss you when you part ways at the end

If you're a guy, tell the girl to pay her half of the share to keep her from calling you for a second date

 

3)If you're a girl and slept with a guy too soon, then questions why he hasn't asked you to be his gf, most likely he just wanted the sex and never wanted a relationship with you to begin with.

If you're a guy dating a girl that gives it up too early, you have to question how many guys she's slept with in the past and to make an appointment with your doctor

[CommitmentPhobe]

1) if you are a woman do not pursue a man. never works.

I'm a bloke and my longest, and best relationship came out of being pursued.

 

2) even in a relationship you should let the guy do most of the calling and initiating.

That would p*ss me right off

 

Not sure I can be bothered with the rest after this intro...

[shadowplay]

I'm a bloke and my longest, and best relationship came out of being pursued.

 

 

That would p*ss me right off

 

Not sure I can be bothered with the rest after this intro...

 

there are always exceptions to every rule. this is just what i've observed that works the best for most people.

[allina]

I wasn't expecting to agree with so many of these, especially #7.

 

And @ #11 (my breakup 2 years ago with my devout jew, bi, younger ex, oh my )

[shadowplay]

Oh, don't date a misogynist. Make sure your bf respects women -- usually you can pick up little signs.

[CommitmentPhobe]

there are always exceptions to every rule.

 

Implicitly that's wrong because there must be an exception to that rule...

 

Sorry I'm feeling like a smart a** tonight

[Kamille]

- have a life of your own. Don't make finding someone your very reason for being.

 

I seem to get away with breaking a bunch of rules when I follow that one rule up there

 

- be yourself. (therefore love yourself with all your idiosyncracies). If you feel you have to change in order to keep someone in your life then either you, your partner or the both of you will end up miserable.

 

along the same lines

 

-accept your partner as s/he is. You want a lover, not a project.

[brightskies]

#s 1-6 and 8-10 seem pretty kosher, #s 7 and 11 cut both ways, male or female, and as for #12: the porn issue has to be ironed out early on in dating and definitely *before* marriage. If you both don't agree on whether "to porn or not to porn," forget it.

[Javelin]

This is mostly just for fun, so don't take anything I say too seriously. It's a combination of stuff I've gathered from field experience and my stay on LS. Feel free to add your own rules and insights.

 

1) if you are a woman do not pursue a man. never works.

 

2) even in a relationship you should let the guy do most of the calling and initiating.

 

3) don't share too many insecurities with your partner. if you think doing this will build closeness, you're wrong.

 

4) don't mistake having insecurities in common as a deep emotional connection. a relationship where you bond over acquired scars or bitterness about humanity will fail. indeed any relationship based on shared negativity will fail.

 

5) internet dating is mostly a waste of time. (haven't done it myself, but that's what htey tell me)

 

6) empathy is one of the most important traits in a partner, one that people too often overlook. confidence and other superficial traits usually take precedence, and then people often find themselves up **** creek down the road when they realize their bf/gf is an ahole. one good way of testing someone's empathy is to see whether they ask questions about your life.

 

7) self-proclaimed "nice guys" are often just secret aholes who weren't handsome, confident, or whatever enough to make the cut. You can usually separate the true nice guys from the posers by how they respond to a series of stinging rejections. A genuine nice guy will stay nice, while a fake nice guy will reveal his true nature by switching over to the dark side.

 

8) in a relationship don't overdo the contact. More than 4 days a week is usually a passion killer. if you're married or living together, take frequent mini vacations or trips apart to give each other space.

 

9) listen carefully to the observations of other people on the person you are dating. if a lot of people think your SO is an ahole, there is probably something you're not seeing. first impressions of your SO from other people are priceless.

 

10) If a guy hasn't told you he loves you after six months of dating, something is probably wrong. every successful relationship i know of the l-word was dropped within the first few months.

 

11) don't date a bisexual or bicurious man.

 

12) if you are a woman don't freak out if your husband looks at porn.

 

I understand that you are a woman and this is your observation, but your outlines are a bit sexist, don't you think? I mean, only women can relate to *some* of these type of situational occurrences...

 

Other than my useless insight, LS has helped me reinforce one major rule that I've followed since I started dating...

 

An intimate relationship between two people is a 50/50 deal. If someone puts in far more than the other, and receives nothing in return, then it'll crumble.

[OpenBook]

Shadow, I think you hit the nail on the head with every one of them. The only one I would change slightly is #2. At the BEGINNING of the relationship a woman should let the man do most of the initiating and pursuing. As time goes on and the relationship deepens, it's OK for the woman to initiate/pursue every now and then... but ONLY if he's made it abundantly clear that he's madly in love with you and isn't going anywhere. There should be no doubt in your mind of his intentions.

[Taramere]

3) don't share too many insecurities with your partner. if you think doing this will build closeness, you're wrong.

 

Crucial. He might make angry faces and puppy dog eyes when he hears of the less flattering nicknames your older brother gave you as a child, and which continued to rankle into adulthood. That doesn't mean he's not guffawing about it with his friends on boys' nights out. You are now known, privately amongst the boys, as No-Paps-Babs. Enjoy!

[Mako482]

I agree with all of them except the calling part. If you are never calling me at first I am going to question whether or not you are really interested, it sends mixed signals. I agree you shouldn't be calling the guy everyday, but always letting him initiate is a bad idea, at least from my point of view. Guys like to feel wanted too ya know? lol.

[LovehateLove]

 

2) When on a dinner date, if you don't like the guy, always pay for your half of the dinner so he won't feel obligated to kiss you when you part ways at the end.

 

If you're a guy, tell the girl to pay her half of the share to keep her from calling you for a second date

 

What on earth happened with me and my girlfriend then? We always split things 50/50 and we turned out fine. Well, you learn something new everyday.

[Woggle]

Some of my rules.

 

1.A man should always make it clear to a woman that while he loves her he can survive without her. Give a woman the power to crush a man's heart and she will do it. The number one element in a woman's attraction to a man is respect and women don't respect a man who gives her that power.

 

2.Self proclaimed strong and independent women are usually misandrists who are intolerable to be around and use the word strong as a cover for being oboxious and belligerent. Everything will be a battle and a gender war with them.

 

3.Don't try to be a knight in shining armor because there are very few female victims in the dating world. 9 times out of 10 they will leave you because they feel no spark and will go back to the guy who mistreats them.

[BurningRoses]

Some of my rules.

 

1.A man should always make it clear to a woman that while he loves her he can survive without her. Give a woman the power to crush a man's heart and she will do it. The number one element in a woman's attraction to a man is respect and women don't respect a man who gives her that power.

 

Amen! Even the nicest woman might be subconsiously tempted to test her boundaries , and if we don't respect you, we usually don't want you.

 

2.Self proclaimed strong and independent women are usually misandrists who are intolerable to be around and use the word strong as a cover for being oboxious and belligerent. Everything will be a battle and a gender war with them.

Eeeeeh, depends on how its proclaimed. Usually we say things like that to bolster our own confidence (a sure sign you are dealing with damaged goods) .

3.Don't try to be a knight in shining armor because there are very few female victims in the dating world. 9 times out of 10 they will leave you because they feel no spark and will go back to the guy who mistreats them.

That is just because we delude ourselves into believing we have magiical woman powers that no other female possesses and we can fix the aholes, and the aholes make us gun-shy about the good ones.

Here are some of my rules:

 

1. Never date a man who wears "body spray" , never ends well.

2. If they are dating outside their age group it is for a reason and usually one you won't like.

3.It is only acceptable to get piss-drunk on the first date if every sentence out of their mouth begins with either the phrase "My cat ..."(female) or "Mother and I" (male)

4. If they are extremely gorgeous and/or intelligent, the only acceptable first date deal-breaker is commision of a third degree or higher felony during said date (public nudity accepted so long as no "woooeee!" is yelled).

5. A first date should never include "arm wrestling" or "skeet shooting" unless hallucinogenics are involved.

6. The passenger door on his car should be in working order.

7."Little Trees" are NOT an acceptable form of cologne, nor is a cheeseburger wrapper.

8. Armpit farts are not a courting ritual.

9. Any man named richard who self-applies the nickname "dick" probably is one.

10. Discussing the efficacy of different feminine product during the appetizer course is unacceptable, especially if your date is male.

11. Lycra died in 90 , it is no longer acceptable as first date pants. Bonus points if it is neon colored.

12. Breaking wind on a date can be played off, however I know it was not your dog, you do not have a damn dog.

13. A golden shower is not an acceptable request after being denied a "goodnight kiss".

14. If you have multiple piercings, leering across the table on a first date and seductively asking if I want to see where you keep your keys is not hot.

[BurningRoses]

15. I do not find a barbeque at your "old cellmate"'s trailer a seductive evening, does not matter how "kick a**" his "old lady makes the potato salad.

16. Getting a haircut before a date tells me you want to look your best, however a mullet is a definate deal-breaker.

17. A box of condoms is not acceptable in place of flowers on a first date.

18. A movie can be romantic, especially for a first date, however if there is sign outside the theatre that says "xxx", not so much.

 

There are exceptions, but not many folks!

[spookie]

This is mostly just for fun, so don't take anything I say too seriously. It's a combination of stuff I've gathered from field experience and my stay on LS. Feel free to add your own rules and insights.

 

1) if you are a woman do not pursue a man. never works.

 

I disagree. Never pursue someone who clearly isn't interested, but otherwise, knock yourself out. If my experience means anything, I made the first moves in all my longest relationships, even though I wouldn't call it "persuasion" since they didn't need much of it.

 

If someone's truly into you, your going after them really won't hurt.

 

2) even in a relationship you should let the guy do most of the calling and initiating.

 

Have a life so this isn't something you plan out or think about.

 

3) don't share too many insecurities with your partner. if you think doing this will build closeness, you're wrong.

 

Speak up about your concerns or it'll end cause YOU'LL feel distant. However, your bf is not your therapist.

 

4) don't mistake having insecurities in common as a deep emotional connection. a relationship where you bond over acquired scars or bitterness about humanity will fail. indeed any relationship based on shared negativity will fail.

 

That's damn true. Sharing insecurities just makes you lose respect for the other person, and vice versa, faster.

 

5) internet dating is mostly a waste of time. (haven't done it myself, but that's what htey tell me)

 

I don't like viewing love as something one goes out of one's way to secure. I'm of the school that when it needs to, it happens.

 

6) empathy is one of the most important traits in a partner, one that people too often overlook. confidence and other superficial traits usually take precedence, and then people often find themselves up **** creek down the road when they realize their bf/gf is an ahole. one good way of testing someone's empathy is to see whether they ask questions about your life.

 

7) self-proclaimed "nice guys" are often just secret aholes who weren't handsome, confident, or whatever enough to make the cut. You can usually separate the true nice guys from the posers by how they respond to a series of stinging rejections. A genuine nice guy will stay nice, while a fake nice guy will reveal his true nature by switching over to the dark side.

 

The nice guy - ******* - pussy - confident spectrum is actually two-dimensional. Lots of people (guys) think that confident = ******* and nice guy = pussy and that they're the opposite, but you should think of it as a grid, one axis going up, the other down.

 

Lots of guys are giant pussies AND *******s.

 

8) in a relationship don't overdo the contact. More than 4 days a week is usually a passion killer. if you're married or living together, take frequent mini vacations or trips apart to give each other space.

Have a separate life and let the other person have one, too. Don't get into an R before you've learned to like being alone. It'll be much easier on you AND the other person.

 

9) listen carefully to the observations of other people on the person you are dating. if a lot of people think your SO is an ahole, there is probably something you're not seeing. first impressions of your SO from other people are priceless.

Probably.

 

10) If a guy hasn't told you he loves you after six months of dating, something is probably wrong. every successful relationship i know of the l-word was dropped within the first few months.

 

The l-bomb is kinda worthless.

 

My dad didn't tell my mom that he loved her until years into the marriage, after all their children had been born. My ex used to say it every day.

 

11) don't date a bisexual or bicurious man.

I wouldn't but I don't know... if you're ok with it you're likely really open-minded about sexuality so it might be ok.

 

12) if you are a woman don't freak out if your husband looks at porn.

 

Duh.

[mortensorchid]

1) If you end up with a psychiatrist (and I'm not talking a REAL psychiatrist in that being a shrink is their job), DUMP THEM. Nothing is more annoying than someone who analyzes and nitpicks everything you do and say. You already have a father! This is just another way that so called "Nice guys" like to chip away at women's self esteem to make them feel superior.

 

2) Be with someone who FOLLOWS THROUGH. This meaning that when they say something like they want to do something with you (go camping, go on a vacation, start a project, etc.), that they DO IT. Some people will say, for example "I thought when we met that we were going to start a band together". Then you're gung ho about it, and they never do it. They just whine and moan about it.