dreamy1945 Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 I'll try to make this short. Been involved with MM for almost a year. We both left our spouses and he went back to his after 3 weeks because of finances. THe last conversation we had he said he didn't want his wife but that he had to go back to get the money he deserved so we could take care of me. (His best friend told me the same thing) During that conversation he said that I could "hang in there with him until he gets the divorce or stay away from each other until he does" He said I will call you tomorrow and maybe we can talk. That was 3 weeks ago today and I haven't heard a word from him. His best friend said he was really having a hard time. He promised me on the phone that he meant every thing he had said to me. His wife thinks he is trying to make the marriage work until she keeps finding out that he calls me. So we took the phone away from him and he said he would call and we would go get another phone. This is not like him to end things like this. He is the one that always wants to look you in the eyes and talk about things. Not just disappear. What do you think happened? Do you think he will ever call?????
Owl Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 The odds are highest that he IS working on his marriage...and you've been left holding the phone (literally). Why SHOULD you sit on your butt waiting and hoping that he's going to dump his wife, divorce her, and then suddenly come out and rescue from your boredom???? Dump him. He's had his chance to end it with his wife. Actions speak WAY louder than words...what have his actions for the last three weeks told you? He's had a chance to end it with her...but went back. He's been caught repeatedly...and is still with her at the end of it all. You deserve better than this...move on. IF he shows up divorced at some later date...THEN you might consider dating him if you're available.
Author dreamy1945 Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 How do I know he isn't telling me the truth? Why would he tell 4 different people that I know that he is in love with me and wants to be with me but he has to get his finances straightened out. If this wasn't true why can't he just tell me the truth? I think he was hurt and mad that I told his wife so many true things. He did tell me the last time we talked that if I wanted to do what I told him I would do (no contact with his wife) that for me not to answer my phone unless I knew who it was. He would call me from a payphone. What's up? Do you think it was a set up since he doesn't have a phone to break it off?
whichwayisup Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 His wife thinks he is trying to make the marriage work until she keeps finding out that he calls me. He's told you that he is going home to smooth things over so he can get MONEY for you and him? Yet he then goes home and his wife thinks they're working on their marriage. Something STINKS. He is telling you one thing, and her another. Chances are now that he's home, they've talked and some feelings have come out, feelings that he may have thought were gone. Things can change between a BS and a CS when the truth comes out and there's alot of communication. This could be what's been going on, I don't know. But, you need to leave him alone - He said he'd call and he hasn't. THAT says alot. I am sorry, this probably isn't easy on you, but the man IS a known liar, a cheater since he did cheat on his wife to be with you. Don't fool yourself into thinking he won't ever lie or omit the truth from you...Remember, he married this woman, said vows - HE STILL managed to lie to her...What makes you think that he'd never lie to you? Don't mean that harshly if it reads that way, just want you to keep your eyes open and don't believe everyword coming out of his mouth. His bestfriend too - He WILL protect him, lie if need be.
Author dreamy1945 Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 You are so right. I know these things intellectually but emotionally its so hard to bear. I just can't understand why he can't tell me its over for good. No, he says if things don't work out he will find me and beg me to take him back. I guess its pride, but I think if he would call it would be so easy to let go. Do you think he will call?
wildsoul Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Do you think he will call? Ouchie. You must be hurting so much from his abandonment. 3 weeks is abandonment. Believe me, I understand your line of thinking and questioning what he is doing/thinking/feeling. I'm in deep withdrawals myself. But I'm going to point out something, hopefully gently. Hear a soothing voice when you read it. Abandoning you for 3 weeks is reason enough for you to end the relationship. It does not matter whether he has an excuse or not. It does not matter whether he is hoping to get back with you or not. No one should tolerate being abandoned for 3 weeks. Unless he is dead or in the hospital, there is nothing that excuses 3 weeks without contact, except of course if he is trying to do a NC (and hasn't told you.) But that means he is trying to abandon the relationship. As hard as it is, you would be better off looking at his actions of abandonment and taking a stand for not being treated that way. I don't wish the pain of acceptance on anyone. It's going to hurt. But if you are spending time imagining that it is anything other than abandonment, I think you are indulging in denial. If you move into the next step of letting go, it will hurt more than the denial phase, but you'll heal quicker too. Be strong. Go bravely forward, love. Go forward.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 I think the question you should be asking yourself is: Will I pick up the phone? And I hope your answer is no. It is unacceptable for him to treat you that way. Like he's under 24 hour surveillance? Give me a break!!! Don't talk to his BF anymore and start moving forward. GEL
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 How do I know he isn't telling me the truth? Why would he tell 4 different people that I know that he is in love with me and wants to be with me but he has to get his finances straightened out. If this wasn't true why can't he just tell me the truth? It probably is the truth. That doesn't mean he wants to leave his marriage though. Plenty of people fall in love with someone else and decide that they stand to lose less by staying married. Being in love with you is a different thing than the bonds he has in his marriage. I'm sure if he could pull it off, he would continue to keep having both. Disappearing is much easier than looking someone in the eye and saying 'goodbye', particularly if you still love the person you have to let go. Regardless of how he feels, he made a choice and he chose to stay married and walk away from you. Will he call back? When he feels more secure with his home life, he probably will. Who knows... maybe he is trying to divorce, but there really is no excuse for leaving you hanging like that. If you let him come back after that, you are letting him know that he has permission to continue treating you that way. Your best bet? Instead of watching him walk away, you may as well turn your back and start walking away from him.
Author dreamy1945 Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 He has to wonder if I haven't already walked away too. Because he probably thought I would call him somehow or have a friend do so. I haven't broke NC in 3 weeks. Just human nature he has to wonder what's going on.
bentnotbroken Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 How do I know he isn't telling me the truth? Why would he tell 4 different people that I know that he is in love with me and wants to be with me but he has to get his finances straightened out. If this wasn't true why can't he just tell me the truth? I think he was hurt and mad that I told his wife so many true things. He did tell me the last time we talked that if I wanted to do what I told him I would do (no contact with his wife) that for me not to answer my phone unless I knew who it was. He would call me from a payphone. What's up? Do you think it was a set up since he doesn't have a phone to break it off? He can't tell you the truth because he is a liar my dear. Ask his wife if you don't believe me.
astra77 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 He can't tell you the truth because he is a liar my dear. Ask his wife if you don't believe me. I am so sorry dreamy, but BNB is right, this guy is a liar, he's telling you everything HE knows YOU want to hear to keep you hanging - this is a HOOK. He will keep bait on this hook for as long as he sees fit. But he is also telling his W what HE knows SHE wants to hear too - he has you both hooked my dear, he is keeping both bases covered until he works out what HE wants. I know it hurts sweetie, i do, but you have to cut him loose and free yourself from this nightmare. Unfortunately, as many of us OW discover, it is the only way. You have done 3 weeks NC - EXCELLENT, give yourself a pat on the back and keep doing NC. Keep posting too (((HUGS)))
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