Is it ever ok to see your ex...

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

...when in a new relationship you're happy with?

 

Let me give some background: said ex and I were friends for several years before anything happened. The impetus for us to start dating was a really weird personal situation involving grief on his part and sympathy on mine, so under the circumstances, it was a weird relationship that had a sort of "unnatural" feel. It didn't last that long (less than a year) but our breakup was weird as well--he put us on a "break" assuming it would be temporary, and I found someone new within days (which didn't work out either, as rebounds tend not to). He spent the next year or so pining after me (it could have been longer, but at that point we sort of fell out of contact). A couple years passed. We become facebook friends somewhere in there, and from what I've gathered from his page over the last year or so, I can say with almost-certainty that he is not pining anymore.

 

I'm moving to the city with my current bf at the end of this month. That's where the ex lives too. I spoke to him shortly, and we're sort of in the same life situation right now--finished school, lacking familial support, struggling to support ourselves with terrible jobs, etc. It made me miss the friendship we had before we screwed everything up with that stupid relationship, especially because I've lost contact with a lot of my old friends after having to move out of the city a while ago (for various personal reasons).

 

Is it fair for me to want to rekindle our old friendship? Or will it most likely just lead to him pining after me again and my bf becoming jealous?

[rproctor]

That question depends on your bf, and the ex. But honestly, I would NOT want my gf hanging out with her ex... And, honestly I dont think many other people would. Why him? Why not find a new friend? Im sure you could easily make another friend that you were not intimate with. Regardless of how awkward the relationship was, how short it was, or anything else, you and him still had a sexual relationship and bringing that person into your new relationship would almost be a slap in the face to your bf. I dont think its so much a jealousy thing, but really a respect thing.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your new boyfriend wanted to start hanging around and rekindling a friendship with an old girlfriend he cared for very much?

[AAlike]

...when in a new relationship you're happy with?

 

Let me give some background: said ex and I were friends for several years before anything happened. The impetus for us to start dating was a really weird personal situation involving grief on his part and sympathy on mine, so under the circumstances, it was a weird relationship that had a sort of "unnatural" feel. It didn't last that long (less than a year) but our breakup was weird as well--he put us on a "break" assuming it would be temporary, and I found someone new within days (which didn't work out either, as rebounds tend not to). He spent the next year or so pining after me (it could have been longer, but at that point we sort of fell out of contact). A couple years passed. We become facebook friends somewhere in there, and from what I've gathered from his page over the last year or so, I can say with almost-certainty that he is not pining anymore.

 

I'm moving to the city with my current bf at the end of this month. That's where the ex lives too. I spoke to him shortly, and we're sort of in the same life situation right now--finished school, lacking familial support, struggling to support ourselves with terrible jobs, etc. It made me miss the friendship we had before we screwed everything up with that stupid relationship, especially because I've lost contact with a lot of my old friends after having to move out of the city a while ago (for various personal reasons).

 

Is it fair for me to want to rekindle our old friendship? Or will it most likely just lead to him pining after me again and my bf becoming jealous?

 

this is very situational, and also very dependent on your bf. has your BF shown a tendency to be jealous over stuff like this? I mean, the situation as you explain it seems harmless enough. My GF has a male friend that she dated VERY briefly about five years ago in a very similar situation as yours, where she continued to be friends with him and the friendship has long since eclipsed any effect of the dating and become an important part of her life, and I have met him a few times and have had no problems being around him as he's now engaged. however, there are many people that would not be comfortable in that situation and would tell you that it is disrespectful to keep ties with anyone that you've been romantically involved with in any way. if your boyfriend seems like he'd be bothered by this, you need to ask yourself if it's really worth it.

 

here's a question - are you planning on bringing your boyfriend along when you meet up with this guy? and if so, are you going to disclose your past history with him when you do so?

[br0wneyedgirl]

I agree that it is wholly dependent on the individuals involved. I am certain my spouse would not be jealous if I got to spend more time with an ex, however, I might be jealous if he wanted to.

[Javelin]

I'm not going into detail trying to explain or justify my answer, which is, no, regardless of the past!

 

The only circumstance(s) that I would condone the visit of an ex-anything, is if there are legal issues and/or children involved.

 

Other than that, no, it's not okay.

[verve]

Its not a good idea, I can guarantee somebody would get hurt if you did.

[Art_Critic]

Its not a good idea, I can guarantee somebody would get hurt if you did.

 

I'm with Verve on this...

 

If you really want to see how things feel then do a role reversal..

 

How would you feel if your BF started up a friendship with his ex ?

[CarrieT]

I guess I'm one of the few with a contrary opinion. I am in my 40s, have had half-a-dozen or so long term relationships (from as short as 2 years to 12 years) and am still friends with ALL my Ex's. Heck, I am still good friends with the man who was my first boyfriend (I was 13 and he was 15 - he is now married with children, I have met his wife and family, yet we still get together once a year or so when his travels take him to my side of the country).

 

These men are all part of what has shaped my life and I cherish and still have affection for every one of them. I am that way with all my friends and to me, life is way too short to shut people out of your life just because you are no longer having sex with them.

 

I'm sorry, but for me, any and all future relations I have must be with a man who is intelligent and understanding enough to realize that love is an amorphous entity and that just because there is no physical connection, there can still be a heartfelt, caring love with past partners. I have been lucky so far and in some cases, some of my recent partners have met past lovers (my recent BF and I went sailing with an Ex).

 

I think that jealousy is an irrational emotion based on lack of trust and knowledge. If you have a good, honest, open discussion with your current beau and introduce them to an Ex with the same open honesty, than true friendship and love should prevail. Again, in 25+ years, I have yet to have past loves be a jealousy issue but I seem to be an anomaly.

[verve]

I guess I'm one of the few with a contrary opinion.

 

Thats all well and good but I'm sure you can understand WHY most people don't share your opinion?

 

I am in my 40s, have had half-a-dozen or so long term relationships (from as short as 2 years to 12 years) and am still friends with ALL my Ex's.

Can I ask if there was any infidelity involved? And how and why did you overcome it and decide to be 'friends' with your former partners?

 

These men are all part of what has shaped my life and I cherish and still have affection for every one of them.

Again I would say it is dependant on the nature of these relationships, the length and various other aspects, although I know once a relationship breaks down for me, I cut all ties and move on as there is usually a good reason it ended.

 

I am that way with all my friends and to me, life is way too short to shut people out of your life just because you are no longer having sex with them.

Relationships involve a lot more than sex though. There are lots of feelings involved, with love being the strongest chemical our bodies produce. And a lot of the time these can linger on for a long while and haivng an ex still in your life can keep them alive. I think there's always going to be some emotions there post-relationship which can never be totally extinguised, however minute they may be which is why having ex's in your life can be a tricky business. Plus you can't control the other person's emotions.

 

for me, any and all future relations I have must be with a man who is intelligent and understanding enough to realize that love is an amorphous entity and that just because there is no physical connection, there can still be a heartfelt, caring love with past partners.

If only it was as easy as that, I think you've just been lucky so far.

 

I have been lucky so far

 

I typed my above sentence then saw that hah.

 

in some cases, some of my recent partners have met past lovers (my recent BF and I went sailing with an Ex).

That must have been uncomfortable.

 

I think that jealousy is an irrational emotion based on lack of trust and knowledge.

 

I think a lot of the time it more about having respect for your current partner. You're with them and so it is going to be offputting for them to have you mingling and interacting with former lovers. Maybe they don't want that, they don't want to be faced with lovers from your past. Not because they might get jealous, although jealously is an apt emotion and not always something which is negative, but because you are clinging on to your past and not moving on with your future. There's a pleothra of quite justified reasons.

 

Just thought I would throw my perspective on your post anyway.

[AAlike]

I think that it also is contingent on the circumstances of your relationship with that ex as well. Like I said, my GF has an "ex" that she tried to get romantically involved with five years ago while in college and it didn't "pan out" or ever get to be anything intense, similarly to OP's situation, but they remained friends and formed a strong friendship. She also has an ex that she was in a very serious and oftentimes toxic relationship with that lasted two years and even involved them attempting to live together, and ended in a pretty bad breakup. Her hanging out with the first "ex" doesn't bother me at all, her even communicating with the second guy does. Honestly, I would hypothesize that if you're still even capable of being "hang out" friends with an ex, that would imply that the relationship wasn't all that intense and probably shouldn't be too threatening to the current SO.

 

It really is all situational - however, the one thing that should always apply is that you should make sure that your current partner is comfortable with whatever capacity you choose to communicate with an ex - don't just do it because you "thought that it wouldn't be a big deal."

[CarrieT]

Thats all well and good but I'm sure you can understand WHY most people don't share your opinion?

 

I do - but I also believe a lot of people are unnecessarily irrational in many things.

 

Can I ask if there was any infidelity involved? And how and why did you overcome it and decide to be 'friends' with your former partners?

 

Actually, I just broke up with a BF of three years because of alcohol abuse (he drinks two to three bottles a day). After we broke up, I learned he cheated as well. I am moving to my own apartment early next week but for the past month, I have been sleeping on an air mattress in a separate room. Yes, I am incredibly hurt and angry with him and how our relationship had to come to an end, but we are both appreciative of how we bettered each other's lives over the past three years and are remaining cordial and friendly. It is too exhausting to expend energy on the negatives of what kept us from remaining a couple. Interestingly, HE is the first one who expressed astonishment at my friendship with my Ex's but he is also the one who went sailing with one of my Ex's. He has never been friends with HIS Ex's in the past, but during our break-up, said very emphatically that he hopes to be able to remain friends with me the way I am with my other Ex's.

 

The How and Why I overcome the pain and hurt is to look beyond all the negativity involved and embrace the good; living with joy on a daily basis is infinitely healthier than living with pain. Actually, the only Ex I am not friends with was the only man I actually married. I came home early from work and found him cavorting with two other men -- while I got over that pain and we maintained some modicum of familiarity (because of mutual friends), it was the financial break-up that destroyed our friendship (he bribed our divorce moderator to benefit him and financially destroy me). So I guess I lied; I'm not friends with ALL my Ex's - that is the only one and that was because of continued deceit and lies. With my current Ex, we have moved beyond the deceit of infidelity and alcohol to know that we will remain friends.

 

 

Again I would say it is dependant on the nature of these relationships, the length and various other aspects, although I know once a relationship breaks down for me, I cut all ties and move on as there is usually a good reason it ended.

 

Before my recent Ex, my previous relationship with 12 years. I have not had any children with any of these gentlemen so there is no reason to not at least send a Christmas or Birthday card offering well wishes.

 

Relationships involve a lot more than sex though. There are lots of feelings involved, with love being the strongest chemical our bodies produce. And a lot of the time these can linger on for a long while and haivng an ex still in your life can keep them alive. I think there's always going to be some emotions there post-relationship which can never be totally extinguised, however minute they may be which is why having ex's in your life can be a tricky business. Plus you can't control the other person's emotions.

 

That is very true. Again, I guess I have been relatively lucky; especially with the very early ones and the most recent. For me, the relationships have usually ended because there is a mutual understanding that we have grown apart and a life together is simply not beneficial to both of us. Of course it is never accomplished in quite this a calm manner, but ultimately through understanding and dialogue. Heck, with my First (the one I've known for 30 years), we can now joke about the fact that we were each others' first loves...

 

If only it was as easy as that, I think you've just been lucky so far.

 

On the most part, I think I have.

 

That must have been uncomfortable.

Re: the sailing adventure. No, it really wasn't. In this case, it was a current beau and an Ex I hadn't been with in over a dozen years and both of the guys were all about sailing, not about my pre-existing relationships.

 

I think a lot of the time it more about having respect for your current partner. You're with them and so it is going to be offputting for them to have you mingling and interacting with former lovers. Maybe they don't want that, they don't want to be faced with lovers from your past. Not because they might get jealous, although jealously is an apt emotion and not always something which is negative, but because you are clinging on to your past and not moving on with your future. There's a pleothra of quite justified reasons.

 

I guess because I don't see it as "clinging" to my past at all. I am the type of person to establish and maintain friendships for YEARS. Most of my friends are people who have been in my life for dozens and dozens of years, regardless of distance. These people (besides Ex's) have been an important part of developing that person who I now am and it is important for me to maintain contact with all of them, including those with whom I had relationships. It is not necessarily often or frequent, but possibly once or twice a year at most. I am also the type of person who has had a wide and varied life; from owning and operating an antiquarian bookstore, going to cooking school and working in the wine industry, and making and selling high-end art. Besides that, I also became involved with a philosophical group. Within each of these careers and passions became a group of like-minded friends with whom I could share these joys. Even now, I am moving onto a new career that will undoubtedly involve new friends, but my old friends are still going to be there, as I DO move forward, hardly "clinging to the past."

 

Just thought I would throw my perspective on your post anyway.

 

Fabulous! And I throw more back at you...

[rproctor]

@carrieT - In my opinion, and just my opinion, I would think you are holding on to your past. Honestly, why do you need to keep and maintain "friendships" with your exes? Its problematic and counter productive for yourself and your relationships. Again, in my opinion, friends are not people you sleep with, have slept with, or want to sleep with. Friends dont sleep with friends. Once you become intimate with a friend, its no longer a friendship.

 

Honestly, I dont see the point in keeping exes in your life, all it says to the new partner in the relationship is that your still holding onto your past, and for what reason? Do you still want to be with them, do you like them, do you miss them, is this new relationship just to make the former jealous? I mean, this goes beyond trust. You could be the most honest and open person in the world, but if you and I got into a new relationship together, and you are talking to your exes, going out to see them, emailing them, texting them, or whatever, I would see it as you have not really moved on, and are still currently attached to that person, in some way, shape or form.

 

Having genuine life long friends is one thing, but keeping ties with people you slept with is totally different. Im not such a jealous person, but I guarantee that if my gf was talking to the guy she lost her virginity to, and they were "joking" about how they lost their virginity to each other, I would definitely take offense to that. Not personally, but to our relationship. When you come into a relationship, the most important thing should be keeping the relationship (and all things relating to relationships) between the two people in the relationship, and not people from your past. Meaning, not joking with your exes about how you guys used to have sex.

[AAlike]

 

Having genuine life long friends is one thing, but keeping ties with people you slept with is totally different.

 

but what if you slept with someone who later became a geniune lifelong friend?

[Javelin]

I guess I'm one of the few with a contrary opinion. I am in my 40s, have had half-a-dozen or so long term relationships (from as short as 2 years to 12 years) and am still friends with ALL my Ex's. Heck, I am still good friends with the man who was my first boyfriend (I was 13 and he was 15 - he is now married with children, I have met his wife and family, yet we still get together once a year or so when his travels take him to my side of the country).

 

These men are all part of what has shaped my life and I cherish and still have affection for every one of them. I am that way with all my friends and to me, life is way too short to shut people out of your life just because you are no longer having sex with them.

 

I'm sorry, but for me, any and all future relations I have must be with a man who is intelligent and understanding enough to realize that love is an amorphous entity and that just because there is no physical connection, there can still be a heartfelt, caring love with past partners. I have been lucky so far and in some cases, some of my recent partners have met past lovers (my recent BF and I went sailing with an Ex).

 

I think that jealousy is an irrational emotion based on lack of trust and knowledge. If you have a good, honest, open discussion with your current beau and introduce them to an Ex with the same open honesty, than true friendship and love should prevail. Again, in 25+ years, I have yet to have past loves be a jealousy issue but I seem to be an anomaly.

 

I can see you like to keep your options, open.

[mental_traveller]

I'd say it's fine, as long as you tell your current partner everything, and neither you nor the ex harbours feelings for each other. I'd say in 90%+ of cases this isn't what happens - someone hides something and/or still has feelings.

[nopainnogain]

I would never be cool w / my g/f seeing let alone talking to her ex. Screw that

[theobserver]

'Chariot (OP) - I do not think it's a good idea. The brain tends to block out many negative memories so that it does not become traumatic, almost playing down what actually happened. I know you and your contact with the ex sounds great and all you can remember is how great a friendship you had but that's the problem you had not previously been in contact with him in a long time you've overcome the negative issues and surpressed them but that doesn't mean everythings ok...

 

Like meeting an old school friend who used to bully you, make your life hell, you see them 10 yrs later with their son and you can't help but block the bullying and make small talk and talk about the good ol days.

 

It's your life but I think you're playing with fire, not to mention you can never truely know if your ex is on the same page of just keeping friendship especially if he's single and unsatisfied. Eventually he will make a move and there will come the several decisions. Do you ignore him moving on, do you cut contact, do you engage with him it will come and you may be surprised by your actions. I think you should also talk to your boyfriend too if you're confused if he gives an honest answer he may say how deeply uncomfortable he is about this. However he may also cop-out and say he's totally fine anything to make you happy and then go drink his worries away wondering if your going to cheat and he's not good enough constantly.

 

 

There was a post above about being friends with ex's. The only reason why I feel you can remain friends with half these men is because it didn't mean anything to you. They were.... glorified flings that would never of gotten serious. The fact you cannot even look the Ex You actually bothered to Married says it all. Unlike the others, you had deep feelings for him and his actions during the divorce along with everything else disgusts you he actually disappointed you. With the others you never expected it to last.

 

I'll tell you this though things might seem FINE with your little get togethers but I guarantee you've been the cause of many an argument with their wifes/girlfriends when they're home alone and it's only because the husbands seem to be dominant in the decison making that you are still apart of their life. Most women hate a female exs on the scene more then men who will try to tolerate.

 

Well I believe ex's shouldn't be friends. In the case of if there are financial issues or children involved it should be kept formal and professional. Anything else should be taken with moderation and you should not find yourself spending more time or wanting to spend more time with them over your current partner because thats when you've failed.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Thank you for all the insightful opinions, everyone!

 

To answer the question that has been asked many times (how would I feel if it was my boyfriend seeing his ex), yes I would be upset, but that's because his situation is completely different from mine; he doesn't have any xgfs that he was friends with for a long time before dating, and that he thinks of as "old friends" first, rather than "girlfriends". There is one girl that he hooked up with (not dated) in high school but is friends with now, and we often go to parties at her place together--it's not weird or awkward at all, and she's really nice to me because she can tell that we love each other a lot and are a good match. I don't mind him being friends with her at all. And my ex and I were friends since high school too!

 

For all the guys that are so adamantly against their gfs seeing an ex; would you also be against her seeing/talking to any other guy there might have been some attraction with? Don't you think that's sort of possessive?

 

I agree, though, that his intentions may not be completely friend-oriented (although I hope he'd be honest with me about it). I think what it comes down to is that I need to have a long talk with both of them (bf to see how he feels about it, ex to see his intentions) before I go through with anything.

[sandrawg]

I agree, though, that his intentions may not be completely friend-oriented (although I hope he'd be honest with me about it). I think what it comes down to is that I need to have a long talk with both of them (bf to see how he feels about it, ex to see his intentions) before I go through with anything.

 

I think this conclusion is very mature and will really be the right thing to do. I think, regardless of everyone else's opinion about whether you SHOULD still be friends with your ex (and let's face it-we all have diff values about that-it truly is situational), the key is open communication and constant assessing of the situation to make sure your bf is feeling secure and safe w/in the rel'ship at all times.

 

I'm in a situation where my bf has an ex who was constantly overstepping the boundaries. He kept telling me that she didn't mean anything; she was crazy; I was TOO insecure, yada yada.

 

We broke up and guess who was the first person he rushed to hook up with?

 

Now we're back together but I have grave doubts. I found out he was contacting her while we were together before, and hiding the contact from me. He has since booted her out of his life (but not until I threatened to do it for him!), but I am still struggling with the trust issues this has caused.

 

This is the fear of all those people who say no, it's not cool for my SO to be friends with an ex--that the SO is keeping the ex around as a "backup" or that there are feelings there, and I'm living it

 

You need to be as honest as possible with both parties. Your ex needs to understand that you current guy is the most important person to you. Just keep it in the back of your mind what the boundaries are. If the ex EVER oversteps them, you need to enforce them with him. If you enforce them and he cannot comply, then you need to be willing to cut him loose.

 

As for your bf, you need to always be reassuring. Don't do anything to sow the seeds of mistrust or insecurity. Tell him upfront the truth-that there are no leftover feelings-you don't want sex from this guy-you don't want love from this guy-you ONLY want a friend and that you will make sure the rel'ship with the ex stays within friendship parameters and boundaries.

 

Also make it clear to him that if he EVER at any time feels uncomfortable, he should feel free to come to you and discuss his discomfort. You need to show that he comes first, and if at any time he's feeling insecure, you're willing to modify your behavior to make him feel comfortable.

 

Always be honest and forthcoming about your contact with the ex. DON'T HIDE ANYTHING. If you hide anything, it looks like you might be cheating.

 

Assuming your bf is a confident person with self-esteem, and that your rel'ship with him is generally healthy, I think things will work out fine if you follow those guidelines. And I am just basing all of this on my own experience!

 

Best of luck.

[Stockalone]

For all the guys that are so adamantly against their gfs seeing an ex; would you also be against her seeing/talking to any other guy there might have been some attraction with? Don't you think that's sort of possessive?

 

It is possessive, but I am a possessive guy. A gf having an ex in her life is never acceptable to me.

[sandrawg]

It is possessive, but I am a possessive guy. A gf having an ex in her life is never acceptable to me.

 

Are you single? Cuz I would really be interested in being with a guy who feels the same way I do. I have had way too many problems in my current rel'ship with my bf's ex. I'm over it. I too don't believe in keeping ex's around.

[shadyp]

its a waste of time hooking up with your ex. What to drink coffee and talk about the old times? What happens when ur guy starts to object, feel unhappy within and withdraws from you?

 

you will wonder why and cause a lot of drama for yourself. Besides the ex could be temptation-you been there once, may go again depending.

 

Would you like it if the situation was reversed? i wouldn't. Its not about trust, it about principle. Even if your happy and showing it willingly, your guy prob wont see it that way, he is male after all and guys tend to read us girly gestures in a totally different way hence men are from mars, women are from venus, good book-get it!

[Trialbyfire]

OP, aren't you asking the wrong people? The only person who's opinion counts in this situation, is your b/f's. If he's not comfortable with it, it would be selfish of you to disregard his feelings and proceed forward with reconnecting with your ex.

[vertigocidic]

How would you feel if your new boyfriend wanted to start hanging around and rekindling a friendship with an old girlfriend he cared for very much?

 

 

My heart just broke when I saw this. I am suffering through that scenario right now; New boyfriend off rushing to see his old ex, claiming they are nothing but good friends...

 

I just want to announce one thing to the whole world; If you care SO MUCH about keeping contact with an ex, why date other people just to hurt them? Why put on foot foward, and the other backwards?

 

How in the WORLD will you move foward with your life?