NCTraveler Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 I have been happily married for over 23 years. Following my retirement from the Air Force, we moved back to our home state of NC, and looked forward to being near family again. All was well until last week, when I overheard my wife and her sister giggling about something, and when I asked what was funny, they said something to the tune of "Oh nothing." When I pressed the issue (and I already knew they were planning a 30th birthday party for my Sister-in-law...my brother's wife), they mentioned that they were going to hire a male stripper, effectively turning this night out with the girls into a real hen party. Shocked, I asked if they planned to tell me about this, tho which my wife insisted she had told me...but I know she had not. Then I asked if they had told my brother, to which they said "no" and insisted that I didn't either, claiming that it would spoil the surprise for my sister-in-law. I explained my belief that a lie of omission is still a lie, and that I believe there is no place for such things in a marriage, and that they needed to inform him about it. The next day I had to take a business trip, and while my wife was driving me to the airport, I told her that I was really struggling with this male stripper idea for moral reasons. Now I will say that I'm not perfect, and there have been more than a few times where I have fired up a porn DVD while in bed with my wife, as I see it as a way to get her interested since she often is not. She prefers girl/girl porn and has, on many occasions explained that she finds videos, magazines, etc. with men in them disgusting. Anyway, this discussion devolved into a pseudo-argument over the subject of the birthday party stripper. During this discusison, I asked about telling my brother about this idea, and she said they had told him. When I pressured her as to why just the day before that her and her sister has insisted I not tell him, she backed off and changed her position to "I though we had told him." I told her that this pretty much tells me that they had not told him, and that I did not appreciate the attempt to hide this from me, and in turn, hide it form my brother. In my opinion, if they thought it would not be a problem, they would have been completely open to all involved. I ended the conversation with the declaration that they MUST tell my brother, and if they did not, then I would. I thouroughly believe that there is no room for dishonesty in a marriage. Yesterday, the conversation started again over the phone during my business trip. My wife had talked to my sister-in-law about it and proclaimed that I was a hypocrite for bringing a porn DVD into the bedroom, yet having a problem with a group of grown women hiring a male stripper (she probably got that for my sister-in-law). But WAIT! I thought telling my brother about this would spoil the surprise for my sister-in-law. Another little white lie. Answering her hypoctite proclamation, I told her I felt different about experiencing such a thing together in our own bedroom with her versus one of us (without the other) and an undereducated stack of muscle gyrating his privates in her direction. So, bottom line for me is: I love my wife my than my own life, and would quite literally do anything for her, period.Yes, I have a problem with them hiring this stripper. My wife, her sister, and my brother's wife have a bad habit of drinking a lot when they are together. When my wife drinks, her inhibitions disappear, and she has said things to me during such times that make me cringe. This particular situation is the the last situation in which inhibitions need to disappear.I still do not believe they have informed my brother, another problem for me.This entire "plan" of theirs has been veiled in a sheet of lies and deceipt, which REALLY sets me off.As a result, I have admittedly been exhibiting some signs of insecurity, such as overcommunicating while away, saying "I love you" more than normal, among other things. She is starting to object to it, but I can't seem to stop because (following some internet research on "Hen Parties"), every time I think about what will go on, my adrenaline kicks in and I start thinking about the worst-case scenario. So, my question are: Am I wrong, and if so, in what ways/area am I wrong?I am concerned that my family (outside my nuclear family) will turn on me be cause of how I am reacting. What should I do?I am concerned that my wife will put me through pure hell if I insist that they drop their plan and just have a clean party for the girls.If I am right, how should I proceed?This situation is beginning to REALLY wear on me, and it is invading my thoughts at very inopportune times (business meetings, etc.). I'm not a nut, and I'm pretty intelligent, but this is just tearing me apart. I very much appreciate any sound advice.
Rorocher Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 What do you think will go on if they go through with this "hen party":lmao:..that's a funny term by the way. I think you're right that if it's not a big deal like your wife professes, then they will tell your brother. Just tell him to keep it a suprise from his wife, that's all. But perhaps, they get the feeling that he will also disagree with the idea of hiring a stripper. Have you reminded your wife of her behavior when she has too much to drink? When a person knows they can't handle their liquor, it's often advisable not to put yourself in situations where you are likely to do something you'd regret. Sure you both watch porn, but I also think there is a difference between seeing something on TV, which you can't touch and having it shoved in your face in real life. This is one of those situations where a frank discussion is needed and a compromise wil help..
Mr. Lucky Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 So, my question are: Am I wrong, and if so, in what ways/area am I wrong?I am concerned that my family (outside my nuclear family) will turn on me be cause of how I am reacting. What should I do?I am concerned that my wife will put me through pure hell if I insist that they drop their plan and just have a clean party for the girls.If I am right, how should I proceed?This situation is beginning to REALLY wear on me, and it is invading my thoughts at very inopportune times (business meetings, etc.). I'm not a nut, and I'm pretty intelligent, but this is just tearing me apart.I very much appreciate any sound advice. I think you're over-reacting. I'm not sure what your worst fear is concerning the party but I don't think a gang-bang is going to breakout in someone's living room. Many guys have or attend a bachelor party (wasn't "Tailgate" an Air Force function ?) and go home and tell their wives that it was no big deal. Give her the same lattitude... Mr. Lucky
Jersey Shortie Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Most women aren't turned on by male strippers like men are turned on by female ones. Alot of women do it as a lark or to get a laugh or to feel like they are doing something men are doing, but I honestly don't know one woman that physically gets turned on by it. With that said, I do think male or female strippers in inappropiate. However, have you never visited a female strip joint yourslf then NCTraveler?
Author NCTraveler Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 Most women aren't turned on by male strippers like men are turned on by female ones. Alot of women do it as a lark or to get a laugh or to feel like they are doing something men are doing, but I honestly don't know one woman that physically gets turned on by it. With that said, I do think male or female strippers in inappropiate. However, have you never visited a female strip joint yourslf then NCTraveler? Only with my wife in a controlled environment...not in a random friend's living room where anything can happen, and given the addition of several bottles of Jack Daniel's, anything could happen...especially from what I gather of those services in the region in question. Stack the lying and deceit that's happend in an attempt to hide the hid this from my brother and me, and the ball game changes a bit. If it's not a problem, or if she thought I (or my brother) wouldn't have a problem with it (as she has indicated), then why try to hide it?
Jennifer26 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 How would your wife feel if you were to attend a strip club, or go to a bachelor party with strippers? I don't think porn and strip clubs can be compared. I'm in agreement with Rorocher on this one. Personally, I am adamantly against my spouse visiting a strip club or being anywhere (such as a bachelor party) where there are strippers. There will be booze and all sorts of pressure from peers and the stripper(s) to behave inappropriately. I was invited to a bachelorette party next month and I am declining the invitation. I don't feel as a married woman I need to go somewhere where mostly single people are there to act out and be wild and where there will be of course male strippers. I was single at one point, and I chose to be married. I don't feel I am missing out.. and I don't understand why people choose to get married and then want to behave as though they are single or miss being single. Anyway, are you upset about the entire idea of a male stripper? Or is it more you feel you were being deceived, or both perhaps? I suspect you're against the entire idea of male strippers. The fact she tried to keep you out of what was going on tells me she knew this as well but planned to go anyway and hoped you wouldn't find out. I can completely understand why you would be upset. I would be very upset too if I were in your shoes. I would go to your wife and tell her that you have issues with her going to a party with male strippers and ask her how she would feel if you were to start visiting strip clubs on your own? I would also tell her how her trying to hide it from you made you feel. She's an adult and can decide to go ahead as planned, but I think that is very disrespectful to you and your marriage. If she loves and respects you, I would think (so long as you approach her with this honestly and without anger) she would choose your feelings over this party.
Author NCTraveler Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 Thanks Jennifer! My feelings about the situation are very much aligned with yours. Although I must say that I was equally upset with the deception. As of now, the entire party has been called off. I suppose a birthday party without the stripper was seen as less than exciting. Their loss. At any rate, I did tell my brother, who was also adamantly opposed ot the idea, for many reasons. I agree that if a man or a woman wants to act like they are single, then they should remain unmarried. So, the status right now? Because of the deception part, there was some fairly heated "discussion," but she's coming around (I think the fact that I pointed out each decption stung a little). I imagine in a few days she'll be okay. I let her know how I feel about both the deception and the sophomoric behavior. She has promised it will never happen again. I very much appreciate your reply and your solid advice.
Jilly Bean Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 To say you are over-reacting is an understatement. You clearly don't have a problem with porn or nudity, but you DO seem to be intensely controlling. I don't think this has anything to do with "lies", but about your own personal insecurities in your wife finding a stripper hotter than you, and you trying to control her life and her choices.
You'reasian Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 How would your wife feel if you were to attend a strip club, or go to a bachelor party with strippers? I was invited to a bachelorette party next month and I am declining the invitation. I don't feel as a married woman I need to go somewhere where mostly single people are there to act out and be wild and where there will be of course male strippers. I was single at one point, and I chose to be married. I don't feel I am missing out.. and I don't understand why people choose to get married and then want to behave as though they are single or miss being single. Jennifer, your paragraph is quote worthy for relationship advice. May I borrow this snippet?
BKLovesWho Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I think you should be asking both of these women seperately how they logic of this desicion came about. Seperately would allow you to determine who is the instigator of this idea. One of these two women doesn't have a problem with loose morals and family values and I can garuntee that one has some skewed logic when it comes to marriage. Hen parties are for women looking for something outside a relationship. This situation is suited for single non-relationship women. Just as as a female stag party is for males not married or in a relationship. Birthday parties are for children not adults. The birthday party should be a positive experiance not something from the gutter.
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