shadowplay Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 I know many on here advise NC as a sort of manipulation tactic to get an ex back, but I've always been skeptical of this approach. NC is good for getting over somebody, but I don't think it's necessarily the best way of getting that person back. Take my own experience. My bf broke up with me a few months ago, and I successfully convinced him to take me back. But my approach was basically heavy contact immediately after the breakup, pleading with him to give us another chance. I wrote him a ten page letter. It basically bought me time to show him that I had amended some of my former behaviors. After the immediate heavy contact, I trickled down to low-moderate contact so he had adequate space. The most important thing was convincing him to give us a trial run so I could show him that I had changed (which I have). He very much wants to be in the relationship at this point. Had I gone NC I'm 99% sure we wouldn't be together today because he would have been left with his former negative impression of our relationship. I'm curious to hear from others who have succeeded in getting their exes back. What approach did you use?
ahah2322 Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 NC is not for getting someone back. it's for moving on.
Author shadowplay Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 NC is not for getting someone back. it's for moving on. That may be true, but many people on here advocate using it as manipulation tactic to make the ex miss them.
carhill Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Just the fact of mentioning an ex in the same sentence as NC negates the benefit of NC IMO, NC is about clarifying perspective; nothing more, nothing less. It promotes emotional health. One can't "make" an ex (or anyone else) do or feel anything
Author shadowplay Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 Just the fact of mentioning an ex in the same sentence as NC negates the benefit of NC could you clarify this?
nowhereman82 Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 think carhill means by mentioning ex and NC together it negates the health benefits. Mentioning to ex brings up feelings/thoughts which NC is suppose to suppress those feelings/thoughts. Shadowplay I have read other members on here that have done the same as you and they either reverted back to their former self or the ex that they are now back with had all the power in the relationship they felt and neglected them because they knew they needed them more than they needed them (did that make sense? Don't think so) How long you been back together? How has it worked? Also a man is more likely to take back a woman than a woman a man from what I read if they were the dumper.
carhill Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 NC is a process of altering one's brain chemistry to balance out the neuro-chemical response to another human being one has imprinted upon. For example, when I merely see the name of my old friend, or hear my wife say that name in reference to one of her co-workers with the same name, I have an immediate emotional response, completely independent of the context of the current reality. This is why NC must occur at the basic thought process level. Just mentioning an ex (or former emotional attachment, as in my example) or even thinking it elicits a counter-productive emotional response. Analyze that in your own circumstance and comment on how it honestly affects you.
CaliGuy Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 That may be true, but many people on here advocate using it as manipulation tactic to make the ex miss them. No, not many people. Just the ones who don't understand what NC is for. Self-healing, NOT manipulation.
ellen24 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 glad to hear you got your ex back! is it working to for you guys? i am in the middle of getting up the gust to go NC, but i hope i am strong enough. i was initially playing the " i am still here for you card" and thought it was working but had an uncomfortable moment tonight and feel like i might have to go NC. i don't know if there is any best way to approach things. another poset, hope dies last, once said that peopel belive what they want to believe. I think i am in that stage that wants so badly to be back together, that i am in disbelief that he does not feel the same way. the thing is, if he did, he would be more proactive in showing it. one time i broke up wiht him and he produced a diamond promise ring, but this time, all i got was a dinner date without a true apology
Melrapuo Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 NC is most definitely a method of healing yourself. I freaked out when my ex broke up with me; called and texted often. Slowly but surely though, I began to limit my contact with her. And recently, any contact between myself and her has been limited (with her initiating it though). I wish my situation was as simple as others, though. She has already had one rebound relationship (ended within a month), but is currently with another guy I think. Maybe not as a relationship, but at least for screwing around. She has a problem being single. From what I've been able to piece together though, it looks like the guy may just be using her as a screw. Who knows though, I'm probably wrong. Anyway, NC is helping me realize that I deserve better. My fear is starting to date again - my ex and I just kind've ended up together, never really had to date. And our relationship was really good, til about 5 months ago. Who knows. A response from your ex would only be a nice side effect - but do NC and expect nothing from the ex. It's all about you now; it has been since the ex left you.
vonerik012 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Well, what are your choices? Let's say you beg and plead to no avail the first few days. Do you feel calling once in a while will help? I don't. I definitely feel they will miss you more if you have moved on. Take this example.. Lets say you own a business and an employee says "Well I really don't like my job, I want to see what else is out there" You can beg, plead, and offer him more money, and he might stay. But is that what you want? It does not mean his heart is into the job now. Or, you could say "OK good luck" Then, they might come back on their own terms thinking "That job was not so bad after all" At that point you can say you need to consider hiring them back, and then most likely they will do a better job for you. My ex initiated a break up, as she could not handle a LDR. So, I stopped calling after a few days. I called one more time on her birthday 3 weeks later, and she must have told me she loved she 15 times. (She never said it before) She said she has thought of me day and night, and took responsibility for everything that went wrong, due to her insecurities. We haven't talked since, but I still think of her day and night, and I am thinking she is too. If we will ever be together who knows. But I do think distance makes the heart grow fonder if the relationship was not all that bad in the first place.
extraordinarymachine Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 I think the best thing you can use NC to do is heal yourself. However, it can sometimes do more than that, and that's not bad, it's a byproduct of the situation! There is nothing manipulative about walking away and cutting off contact with someone who wants the relationship to end to see if they really want it to be that way. It's making the rubber of their decision meet the road of you not being in their life, and keeps the dumpee from being used emotionally while the dumper figures out what they really want. I don't think it manipulative at all, I think it wise. Manipulation is using another in an ill-advised way or coercing them. NC is the opposite, it gives the partner the freedom to choose without any manipulation at all. NC is not a punishment, it's a gift. Here, you want to break up, I will walk away in a diginified manner and give you the courtesy of keeping this split clean. It's human nature, and I think it's a wee bit insulting to those who are protecting themselves from more pain while maybe also hoping for reconciliation to call it manipulative. It simply isn't so. I think even those who use NC to try and bring an ex back will eventually find that it was good for them to pull back and it helped them heal faster, should that reconciliation never happen. Everybody's got to make their own choice, but in my humble opinion there are few methods of dealing with a split that better understand human nature than to cut off contact when a break occurs.
extraordinarymachine Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Just to go back to the OP, I think in your situation you did the right thing. But for many, when a partner who has always promised to "change" begs once again, their words fall on deaf ears. Hence the NC. I think for those people their actions will speak louder than their words. I also think a little speech about the whole thing can help you feel you did the right thing. For me, I told my ex that it hurt too much for us to be friends, that I hoped he realized he missed me, and only to make contact with me if he wanted to patch things up or talk about what happened. I haven't heard from him, and it's better this way. If I hadn't set up the parameters, I wouldn't know whether contact was friendly or intentional to revive things between us. It's also helped me move past him enough to see that he was incredibly shallow and broke up and treated me in a callous way. Not worth it. For a while I used NC to see if he'd come back, but now it's just because I feel like it's a good riddance. Bad motivates can morph into good ones, so I don't think sitting around debating them helps a scorned lady or gent.
vonerik012 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 And as long as we still function normally, what is wrong with fantasizing at least for a while, that they will come back while we are practicing no contact? I definitely feel limited contact is the worst, because the other person still has the feeling they can have you, and never really miss you. And if they don't miss you, it is time to move on anyway, which you are doing.
D-Lish Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 I always use NC as a way of getting over someone- as a time to heal. Ultimately, that has always worked for me. I've been able to heal quicker. The thing is though- almost all of my ex's have come back after a period of not speaking to them. Some just checking in- and others wanting a second chance. I just got a text tonight from a guy I haven't talked to since last summer...and an e-mail last month from a different guy I dated last year. They almost always come back at some point I have found. The NC has always been for me though- a time to heal and adjust.
Author shadowplay Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 I always use NC as a way of getting over someone- as a time to heal. Ultimately, that has always worked for me. I've been able to heal quicker. The thing is though- almost all of my ex's have come back after a period of not speaking to them. Some just checking in- and others wanting a second chance. I just got a text tonight from a guy I haven't talked to since last summer...and an e-mail last month from a different guy I dated last year. They almost always come back at some point I have found. The NC has always been for me though- a time to heal and adjust. Are these guys you broke up with or broke up with you?
Author shadowplay Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 I always use NC as a way of getting over someone- as a time to heal. Ultimately, that has always worked for me. I've been able to heal quicker. The thing is though- almost all of my ex's have come back after a period of not speaking to them. Some just checking in- and others wanting a second chance. I just got a text tonight from a guy I haven't talked to since last summer...and an e-mail last month from a different guy I dated last year. They almost always come back at some point I have found. The NC has always been for me though- a time to heal and adjust. An ex who dumped me three years ago (with a nasty email) just got back in touch with me for the first time last week, so maybe you're right.
ImLost07 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 I think its borderline imperative to not talk for a good chunk of time. My reason for saying that is it gives you the opportunity to step back and really look at the relationship without being caught up in it. If you continue to talk, you will never get that perspective of the relationship and therefore never really see it for what it is.
D-Lish Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Are these guys you broke up with or broke up with you? I'd say it's a 70/30 split me leaving them. But of the ones that broke up with me- they have been the ones most likely to contact and try and reconcile. Even my ex husband I left six years ago who knocked up another woman and is now married to her with a second baby still writes me heartfelt e-mails telling me he wishes we were still together. That's a tough pill to swallow. I miss some of my ex's more than others- but still recognize that things went South for a reason. I like the idea of looking forward instead of backward. Like Cali says- why wear an old pair of shoes when you can have new ones. An old pair of shoes might be comfortable- but they get smelly and go out of style. I've been known to "try on" an old pair and wear them around the house though- where no one sees me with them on. lol.
carhill Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 I think its borderline imperative to not talk for a good chunk of time. My reason for saying that is it gives you the opportunity to step back and really look at the relationship without being caught up in it. If you continue to talk, you will never get that perspective of the relationship and therefore never really see it for what it is. I experimented with this today and, for me, I believe you are right. NC worked. Not to get anyone "back", but to give me emotional health and distance. I'm very happy with the result. The process continues
HopeDiesLast Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Its so hard to sit back and do nothing. My ex will communicate with me only through text and refuses to discuss anything....so i told him fine. you know where to find me when you decide to stop acting like a baby. No contact should help me heal, and thats what i want. Maybe a part of me wants him to realize what we had also- bc the break up was totally HIS issues. But i still have anxiety by sitting her doing NOTHING. is that normal?
Art_Critic Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Breaking up and just getting back together without redefining the relationship and dealing with the issues that broke you up in the first place is nothing more than continuing the same broken relationship and will most likely end again in another breakup. In order to have a shot at a new relationship with the same person you must step back and get clarity to what went wrong to begin with. IMO You cannot do that if you get right back with them.. NC provides the time needed to heal and redefine who you are, deal with those issues discovered and whether or not you really want to go for another round with them after the fog has lifted.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 well said art critic. sometimes the same point said differently by someone just clicks with some of us!
confused11 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Hope, I know what you mean...because we still want them to come back. We are looking to anything, something to keep it going. But the truth is...doing no contact in hopes that they "realize" is not going to do anything. It's really moving on and letting go that helps from no contact...the the irony of it all is that when we have let go, that's when they come back. Using NC to show them "what they are missing" is only fooling ourselves. Most likely they are not on this site posting about us, or at home hoping we will call. They are moving on with their lives and most likely already dating. (For myself, I have went on a casual/friendly "date" just in hopes to forget, for a moment, the hurt. So if I can date, when I want him to come back, just imagine what he is doing when he doesn't even want to be here.) Its been ten days since we last spoke. Thats 8 days longer than I have gone not talking to him in 10 months. Even when something happened the first time around and I decided to go NC, he still came around. I guess to feel me out, he would stop by my house, call mutual friends to find out if I was going out that night, talk nothing but good things about me to my friends (all while he had began talking to someone else). Finally, after a month of NC on my part (not his) he said he wanted me back, he wanted to see where this went. But he did the same thing again. He wants me to be ok being in a non serious relationship; ie being at his convenience, which I am not.(he's military so he just comes and goes as he pleases) So he ended it because he knows the only kind of relationship we can have is a serious one and he doesn't want that right now. Of course he still wants to be friends and hang out and continue to have fun. I know that if I wanted to, we could still hang out the same way we have but then it would fall back into the same pattern that it has been and we'd be having the same talk all over again. It's a pattern, I don't know if he could let me go completely because I really think he does care about me as a friend but I know he can't give me what I want. He doesn't want to. So I can't be friends with him, because for me that will hurt me more. It sucks, we are really good together and he does know that but for him something is missing to make him want to be with me instead of lose me. Maybe he only sees me as a friend or maybe he just is really adament about not wanting a relationship (in the last almost 2 years, he has casually dated but never had anything serious with someone) As far as I know (and I am 99% positive), I'm the only girl that has been around this long (after a month he moves on), that has done stuff with him that he hasn't done with anyone, that he's bought presents for, that he hasn't gone all the way with....I can say I am very different from all the girls he has dated. But I still don't know if that means he only see me as a friend or not. I wish he would grow a set and tell me because that would help me be at ease and help me move on. Sorry, this post is about NC and I rambled...just needed to vent a little Back to the topic...lol...Hope, your anxiety is so normal...it's like when you start to choke, or can't breath you panic, you cough and try to catch your breath (you do something). Well right now your heart can't breath....and there's nothin you can do to help it start....so your panicking (because you can't do something). We have defense mechanisms that naturally kick in when something isn't right when we are sick right? Love sick isn't any different. Does this make sense? Maybe I'm just rambling again.
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