brillman Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 This is my first post here. I'm not really sure how to go about all this, so um, hi. Basically, the past 10 months of my life have been insane. A casual acquaintance of mine and his fiance were going through hard times at the same time as my fiance and I. Her and I became very good friends over this time, and very soon after I broke it off with my fiance (not directly related, it had to end). Her and I began developing serious feelings for each other. This led to an affair. She constantly told me that she wasn't asking me to wait, but if I did, then it would all be amazing, great, wonderful etc etc. I was constantly being the shoulder to cry on, the "date" basically everything a good partner does, while she was a tad distant stating she was trying to work through it in her mind, but in the end, that she wanted me. So after months of carrying on this lie, and her with holding sexual contact with her fiance, he cheated on her and got caught red handed. The relationship ended immediately between them. Sounds like it would all work out right? Wrong. She is now stating that she wants to be alone and figure her life out, and that i need to wait..or not... my choice. She says this, yet hasn't really tried to figure anything out. instead, she's completely detached herself from me in the pseudo-relationship way, and treats me just like a friend now. Calls me sometimes, constantly goes out and does her own thing, goes days without talkign to me, stating that she needs to be free. I have no idea what to do. I put my entire life on hold, and I'm not sure if more waiting is just going to kill me a little more inside, or if it will work out. I know I love her, but ... is that enough? Thank you.
lkjh Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Dude, you don't really believe that she was going to leave her fiance for you? I doubt she was really withholding sex from him. She was probably just escaping real life for a little bit and now she lost her ex and wants him back. just get on with your life, why would you even want someone who cheats on there fiance anyways.
Author brillman Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 Dude, you don't really believe that she was going to leave her fiance for you? I doubt she was really withholding sex from him. She was probably just escaping real life for a little bit and now she lost her ex and wants him back. just get on with your life, why would you even want someone who cheats on there fiance anyways. Second point, i agree with. First point, actually i know alot of the same guys as him, and aparantly he complained for months about "not getting any" but again, second point, very valid
astra77 Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Hi B, welcome and i'm sorry to hear of your situation. It's a tough one......... When did you last speak to her, what did she say to you ? If she has blown you off - and im sorry but it sounds like she has, you need to tell her exactly how you feel, what you want from her and ask her where you stand in her life right now. You may not like what she has to say, but you have to find out once and for all, and move on either way. I dont mean to sound harsh, sorry if it did.
wildsoul Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Hello and welcome to the group! Your story sounds so disappointing. I think you'd do best to move on. For one thing, when someone is telling you they, "need to be free" you should believe them. For another, her actions show that she is trying to end the romantic part of your relationship. Believe that too. The sooner you move on, the faster you'll heal, the more time you'll be spending enjoying your life. A lot of people on this forum practice NC (no contact) as a way to move on the quickest and not do the long drawn out on/off back/forth thing anymore. Since "waiting" was part of your dynamic already, as it is for most of us who were involved with someone who said they were ending a R(elationship) with someone else, you might especially look into NC. When you're used to settling for crumbs, it's easy to stay plugged in to even the tiniest bits of contact and stay hopeful that someday you'll get cake, meanwhile, you slowly starve and waste away.
Author brillman Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 Thank you all for your words, it helps more than you can imagine to not feel so alone. Well, the NC thing will be a problem as we have tons of mutual friends and live extremely close to one another. Through I have been trying to simply hang out and not think of her that way. it was rough at first, but its getting easier. I had a few moments this morning when i ran into her where I simply wanted to rip her head off, hah, but I was cordial, friendly and calm. I loved the analogy of the crumbs; so true. I feel alot better today for sure. Heck, even last night an old friend of mine (very attractive, intelligent woman) was showing an interest, I know I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now, so i told her bluntly that i was flattered and am just getting over someone right now, but in a bit we ll see what happens. Every day I think of it all, the deception and lies and the hurt feelings on all sides. I constantly wonder if I would have done this all the same had I known that I was just an escape hatch... a strange part of me is proud that I helped her get out of that horrible, horrible relationship she was stuck in.
Author brillman Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 Hi B, welcome and i'm sorry to hear of your situation. It's a tough one......... When did you last speak to her, what did she say to you ? If she has blown you off - and im sorry but it sounds like she has, you need to tell her exactly how you feel, what you want from her and ask her where you stand in her life right now. You may not like what she has to say, but you have to find out once and for all, and move on either way. I dont mean to sound harsh, sorry if it did. Sorry, second reply. Interesting you say that. Her response was the she needs time to figure her life out and that hopefully someday when she's ready, we can be together. Thing is, this response has been like this for a month and a half now. I'm beginning to see more and more that its all about her, and not so much about me.
Owl Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 You're right...it IS all about her. Its been that way from the beginning. The bottomline question isn't the one you're asking. The real question is...what's holding you in place? She's not giving you a loving relationship. She's basically told you to move on...just very nicely. There's no committed relationship here...I think you'd be best served by moving on. I know that hurts, but it really seems to be your only option at this point.
Author brillman Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 You're right...it IS all about her. Its been that way from the beginning. The bottomline question isn't the one you're asking. The real question is...what's holding you in place? She's not giving you a loving relationship. She's basically told you to move on...just very nicely. There's no committed relationship here...I think you'd be best served by moving on. I know that hurts, but it really seems to be your only option at this point. I've seen many of your posts on these boards, you give very good advice, Owl. Thank you.
astra77 Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Every day I think of it all, the deception and lies and the hurt feelings on all sides. I constantly wonder if I would have done this all the same had I known that I was just an escape hatch... a strange part of me is proud that I helped her get out of that horrible, horrible relationship she was stuck in. Unfortunately this is the reality of the whole situation. R's based on lies are pretty much doomed from the start. Take this time to heal YOU, get out and about and meet new people, open up new doors for yourself and close the doors behind you that make you feel like this. Try to stay positive - i know it's hard - but if no one else has your best interests at heart, maybe it's time you took matters into your own hands and make YOU your # 1 priority
Author brillman Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 Unfortunately this is the reality of the whole situation. R's based on lies are pretty much doomed from the start. Take this time to heal YOU, get out and about and meet new people, open up new doors for yourself and close the doors behind you that make you feel like this. Try to stay positive - i know it's hard - but if no one else has your best interests at heart, maybe it's time you took matters into your own hands and make YOU your # 1 priority My...number...one..priority. What an amazing thing to say. That phrase had been used between us so many times, and it was usually regarding how the xBF always put her at #2 and as i said to her.... "You did the exact same thing to me that made YOU do this to HIM". I thank you all again for your words, im going to try and make my life for me again. Its going to be a rough road, especially considering we have the same social circle, but ill endure.
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