LovehateLove Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Thanks D. But I have a question, do people tend to invest in dates or do they invest more in relationships? To me I think dating doesn't need investment because it's way more casual. Relationships on the other hand requires you to constantly fret and worry over every little detail. People tend to invest more into a relationship than when they date, because as you say, dating tends to be more casual than being in a committed relationship with someone. Now, I don't know how many relationships you have been in and to what extent these relationships broke down, but if a person or a couple needs to worry about every tiny detail constantly, then the chances are they are not with the right person, because when you are with the right person everything falls into place effortlessly. I'm not trying to paint a picture of perfection. Relationships do at times take some minimal form of effort and work, but if it's a constant struggle and very little enjoyment comes of the relationship then you need to call things off pronto, because things just get worse and worse as I am sure you aware.
A.G.Doren Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 xpapercutx- What would be so terrible about running into an ex on the street?
Grrlish Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Papercut: If you're just talking about dating/the dating stage, then you get to make the rules for yourself (as it sounds like you do anyway). You get to set the boundaries for what parts of your life that person has access to. You do not have to tell a guy where you live until you're ready. I'm in my early 40s and when I'm dating, I don't usually tell a man where I live for a few dates. Therefore, if we never make it past the 'first few dates' stage, I don't have to worry about him showing up at my door. (Important here because I live in a casual community where people often don't think anything about showing up at your door unannounced, even if they don't know you well.) I'm big on personal privacy and so is my boyfriend. People do not often show up at our door, unannounced. This is likely because neither of us presents ourself as being okay with it. There are ways of putting it out there so that people know that it's not okay, including directly telling people to please call ahead of time. In your case, I see nothing wrong with telling a casual date that you prefer to meet them somewhere instead of being picked up. If you get past the 'first few dates' stage and they start sounding like they're interested in pursuing a relationship, then it's up to you to tell them that you're not interested or to give them a little more information. At that point, you might tell them that your family is somewhat conservative and, if this is the case, somewhat traditional in their ways, and that you would prefer to keep family and personal life separate 'for now'. I agree with D-lish. When we meet someone that we think that we might want to go forward with and check out a relationship, we invite them into our lives to see 'more' of us; including inviting them into our homes. And when you're ready to do this, you'll know it. It might still feel uncomfortable and it might still make you nervous but you'll know when it's time. For you, it is a little different because you live with your parents. I never had a problem inviting friends or dates home to meet my mom at your age but that's just me, and my mom was 'the cool mom' on the block. One of my best friends is Asian. At your age, her home was fairly conservative and we didn't exactly flaunt the party animals in us to her parents. If your family is somewhat conservative, I can understand why you're perhaps not ready to integrate your personal life into your home. My friend also preferred to date Caucasian men and back then, it was a stretch for her father to deal with this. (Funny, she ended up marrying an Asian man, and her mother wound up getting a divorce [unheard of back then in the Korean community in that area] AND then marrying a white guy!) Now, with all of that said, here's this: I would be careful about setting geographic boundaries for your dating 'pool'. You are setting yourself up for avoiding intimacy in your relationships. You are also avoiding the inevitable in regard to presenting your real self to your family. You are losing out on an opportunity to develop the much-needed skill of setting boundaries with people in your life. Papercut, if you want to go out with the guy that lives in your area, go. As far as possibly crossing paths with an ex, well, it can happen anywhere and when you least expect it. I've crossed paths with people I know in the most unexpected places. If God and the Universe want you to cross paths with someone, you will and there's nothing you can do to avoid it. Don't worry so much about what might happen down the road. Don't form such firm thoughts in your head about how relationships are, when in reality, you don't really know because you really haven't been in one. Plus, you're setting yourself up for self-fulfilling prophesy. If you believe and envision that relationships are too much work and yada-yada, then they will be that way for you. Quit trying to control things. You can't. Just go have fun dating for now.
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