I would prefer you live at least 5 miles away from me...

[xpaperxcutx]

When I was in a relationship, my ex lived 2 hrs away from me, resulting in me constantly commuting by train every weekend or so. I also dated a couple of guys that lived a few train rides away. I haven't had a problem with the commute so far was because it gave me an excuse to taake the subway ( I live in NY) into the city and its enough distance between me and them so I don't have to see them every single day.

What I do have a problem with however, is that I really can't see myself dating people who lives close to me. I don't want guys finding out where I live and start ringing my doorbell everyday.

 

I have only had one guy to my apartment so far, and he's my one of besties' bf. Even my ex doesn't know where I live. It's not because I'm not hospitable or anything, but I prefer to keep my private and dating life separate.

 

So currently I'm having trouble with deciding whether I should date a guy who lives in my area. I'm not sure how close he is to me so I'm a bit hesitant of starting anything with him, in case he turns out to be as clingy as my ex. Also I never saw any of the people I've dated once we broke up, so I'm a bit horrified at the idea of seeing him again if things don't work out. What's everyone's opinion on this?

[spookie]

It's not really a relationship if you won't let the person into your house.

[jadedone]

Your dating life IS your personal life. If he lived in your neighborhood in a small town I might understand, but living close to you in NYC shouldn't not be a problem.

[xpaperxcutx]

It's not really a relationship if you won't let the person into your house.

 

Why would you say that spookie?

[xpaperxcutx]

Your dating life IS your personal life. If he lived in your neighborhood in a small town I might understand, but living close to you in NYC shouldn't not be a problem.

 

Actually he does live in/ around my neighborhood, and that's what's been bothering me. Of course, if he just lives in NYC in general, then it wouldn't even be a problem except its exactly the opposite.

 

Actually I keep my dating life seperate from home (personal) life. My family doesn't ask about my dating life, and I don't bring it up.

[Trimmer]

Ahh... so you live with your family? Like parents and all? That does change the perspective a little bit.

[xpaperxcutx]

Ahh... so you live with your family? Like parents and all? That does change the perspective a little bit.

 

 

Yes, my parents. But they're hardly home at all since they're always so busy working. When I was living by myself a year ago ( for school), I had an apartment to myself, but even then I didn't invite anybody back to my place. Not the even the delivery guys could get pass the door.

[xpaperxcutx]

But my parents aren't the problem here. I have a thing about personal spaces. I don't like clingy people, or to be smothered. So having someone living so close to me just gives them a reason to see me every day. Which would be very suffocating. My last relationship ended because my ex was needy, and I don't want that.

[HiItsMe]

When I was in a relationship, my ex lived 2 hrs away from me, resulting in me constantly commuting by train every weekend or so. I also dated a couple of guys that lived a few train rides away. I haven't had a problem with the commute so far was because it gave me an excuse to taake the subway ( I live in NY) into the city and its enough distance between me and them so I don't have to see them every single day.

What I do have a problem with however, is that I really can't see myself dating people who lives close to me. I don't want guys finding out where I live and start ringing my doorbell everyday.

 

I have only had one guy to my apartment so far, and he's my one of besties' bf. Even my ex doesn't know where I live. It's not because I'm not hospitable or anything, but I prefer to keep my private and dating life separate.

 

So currently I'm having trouble with deciding whether I should date a guy who lives in my area. I'm not sure how close he is to me so I'm a bit hesitant of starting anything with him, in case he turns out to be as clingy as my ex. Also I never saw any of the people I've dated once we broke up, so I'm a bit horrified at the idea of seeing him again if things don't work out. What's everyone's opinion on this?

 

I find this very strange....no offense, but I think you have some intimacy issues.

 

I knew this one girl I worked with that preferred to have a boy friend that at least lived an HOUR away from her. Because she didn't want a local man the possibilty of popping up every day.

 

I find this very strange behaviour for a person in a relationship.

[HiItsMe]

I read further into this, and to be honest, you're not relationship material. Have you ever thought about seeing a counselor to have this issue resolved?

 

At first thought it was because you lived with your parents, and there might be some tension there...but since you said you had your own place (apt) at one time...and you still didn't like it...that pretty much confirms things.

 

I mean, define "Clingy", what YOU see as clingly, the other might see as a normal relationship.

[Shygirl15]

For that matter, you have NEVER had a serious relationship, X.

[jerbear]

Even friends, and ex's, know where I live and come into my home.

 

It would be hard to just not let someone else into your personal space. It will have to happen eventually.

[LovehateLove]

Might I ask how old you are, Papercut? I sense you are either in your early twenties or you are a teenager. Your lack of maturity and understanding of how relationships work bought me to this conclusion.

 

A relationship is not a casual pairing of two people who can pick each other up and drop each other anytime is not a relationship. Relationships are very time consuming and you do have make some sacrifices in order to have a successful relationship, while trying to find a balance.

 

I don’t think you are ready to be in a relationship with anyone and your self sabotaging of relationship prospects clearly indicates this.

[LionLover]

I find this very strange....no offense, but I think you have some intimacy issues.

 

I knew this one girl I worked with that preferred to have a boy friend that at least lived an HOUR away from her. Because she didn't want a local man the possibilty of popping up every day.

 

I find this very strange behaviour for a person in a relationship.

 

I agree...Not sharing your personal space with your significant other doesnt make sense. Different strokes for different folks & everyone has their own reasons but I agree w/above if you can't share your personal space with someone then what's the point in sharing anything with them for that matter?

[xpaperxcutx]

I read further into this, and to be honest, you're not relationship material. Have you ever thought about seeing a counselor to have this issue resolved?

 

At first thought it was because you lived with your parents, and there might be some tension there...but since you said you had your own place (apt) at one time...and you still didn't like it...that pretty much confirms things.

 

I mean, define "Clingy", what YOU see as clingly, the other might see as a normal relationship.

 

Clingy, derived from the word cling (verb)

: to remain emotionally or intellectually attached

Clingy to me is when a guy wants to talk at least once a day and wants to see me at least twice a day. Even more so, that they start wanting to know about what I did every minute of every second, and bombarding me with questions about meeting up and going out. I prefer to make my own plans in my own time, for my own pleasures. Does that make me selfish?

 

I never said I didn't like having my own place, in fact it was the one thing that I loved most. I loved the peace and quiet and the ability to have my own privacy. I just have an extreme dislike towards people who try to force themselves into my life and personal space.

 

 

Even friends, and ex's, know where I live and come into my home.

 

It would be hard to just not let someone else into your personal space. It will have to happen eventually.

 

Jerbear, most of my close friends know where I live and they've visited a couple of times. It wasn't like I never had any friends over, it's just they're all girls and are really close friends of mine. The only reason my ex doesn't know where I live is because he's a freaking needy psychopath that I'd cut all ties with. And none of my past dates were even worthy of my time to bring home to see mom and dad.

 

Might I ask how old you are, Papercut? I sense you are either in your early twenties or you are a teenager. Your lack of maturity and understanding of how relationships work bought me to this conclusion.

 

A relationship is not a casual pairing of two people who can pick each other up and drop each other anytime is not a relationship. Relationships are very time consuming and you do have make some sacrifices in order to have a successful relationship, while trying to find a balance.

 

I don’t think you are ready to be in a relationship with anyone and yourself sabotaging of relationship prospects clearly indicates this.

 

Lovehate, I'm 18. And i do think that I'm mature enough to handle my own personal affairs. I know relationships are time- consuming and requires extreme sacrifices, but I never said that I would want to delve into a relationship right away. I was asking about the possibilities of starting something casual with a guy that lives in my neighborhood, not jump right into a committed relationship. Besides he's an acquaintance, not a close friend.

 

You probably don't know this, but I live by certain rules that I've made for myself. I don't date any close friends of mine, and most people that I've dated will not become my friends, as I prefer to cut all ties from them when I break it off. That's why I prefer guys that live far away from me, rather than someone I would most likely bump into when I leave my apartment. If you look at my cell phone, the only numbers that I have are that of my friends, and none of guys that just come and go out of my life. I don't think they're worth an add until I know we're at least compatible or would be seeing each other on a second date. Otherwise I wouldn't even waste my time saving it.

[Shygirl15]

 

Clingy to me is when a guy wants to talk at least once a day and wants to see me at least twice a day. Even more so, that they start wanting to know about what I did every minute of every second, and bombarding me with questions about meeting up and going out. I prefer to make my own plans in my own time, for my own pleasures.

 

Duh.

 

I think it has a lot more to do with the type of guys you're dating, than if they are 5 miles away or not. Most guys who are independent and secure with themselves wouldn't bother a woman this much, even if they lived next door to your apartment.

[xpaperxcutx]

 

 

Duh.

 

I think it has a lot more to do with the type of guys you're dating, than if they are 5 miles away or not. Most guys who are independent and secure with themselves wouldn't bother a woman this much, even if they lived next door to your apartment.

 

But that's just the thing. First time meetings are not always enough to access if they're date worthy. Most people only partially expose their true selves during the first couple of dates, and even after that, there's not much to go because you have to take their words for certain things.

 

I mean if you read some of the threads on here, on why certain guys or girls behave certain ways, the OPs were the most confused on why they were either dumped or cheated on.

[LovehateLove]

I have no doubt that you feel mature. I feel mature and I’m nearing my mid twenties, but I know that I’m not actually mature in certain aspects of my life. No one is completely mature and whilst you might be mature in handling your personal affairs, I disagree that you are mature when it comes to handling dating, relationships. This thread and the thread were you stood up the young narcissistic gentleman were anything but mature. But you know what, that doesn’t mature. You are young and will mature with age, we all do.

 

I neglected the part of your post where you asked if you should jump into something casual and I think you should. You’ve got nothing to gain, but just take things at a pace you are comfortable and happy with and do act on impulse. We all say “we won’t do that”, but we have all been guilty of doing this in the past. I have on more than one occasion.

 

Making rules for you is not necessarily a bad thing, nor is it a good thing either. I don’t make rules. I follow enough rules at work, from the government; I don’t want to restrict myself any further. Though, if making rules works for you, then keep doing so. Not all men will like it, but those who like you enough will comply to the rules you wish to uphold.

 

Again if a long distance relationship is something you are more comfortable with then do what is best for you. I just don’t think you are mature enough for a relationship and the serious commitment that comes with it and why should you be? You are eighteen. You are only a teenager once, so you might as well enjoy it, instead of growing up too quickly.

[xpaperxcutx]

I have no doubt that you feel mature. I feel mature and I’m nearing my mid twenties, but I know that I’m not actually mature in certain aspects of my life. No one is completely mature and whilst you might be mature in handling your personal affairs, I disagree that you are mature when it comes to handling dating, relationships. This thread and the thread were you stood up the young narcissistic gentleman were anything but mature. But you know what, that doesn’t mature. You are young and will mature with age, we all do.

 

I neglected the part of your post where you asked if you should jump into something casual and I think you should. You’ve got nothing to gain, but just take things at a pace you are comfortable and happy with and do act on impulse. We all say “we won’t do that”, but we have all been guilty of doing this in the past. I have on more than one occasion.

 

Making rules for you is not necessarily a bad thing, nor is it a good thing either. I don’t make rules. I follow enough rules at work, from the government; I don’t want to restrict myself any further. Though, if making rules works for you, then keep doing so. Not all men will like it, but those who like you enough will comply to the rules you wish to uphold.

 

Again if a long distance relationship is something you are more comfortable with then do what is best for you. I just don’t think you are mature enough for a relationship and the serious commitment that comes with it and why should you be? You are eighteen. You are only a teenager once, so you might as well enjoy it, instead of growing up too quickly.

 

I understand that my maturity sometimes comes off as immature, and sometimes it does manifest itself in relationships, where I might not be rational in alot of things. But I have learned to take a more distinctive approach to dating and not jumping too quickly into a relationship. that's why I prefer casual relationships, I don't want the burden of having to deal with anything emotional.

 

I know rules aren't always good, but it's something that's become a part of myself in regards to dating. Most of the people I've dated were either high school classmates or casual acquaintances that I have no particular attachments whatsoever to. We would date, and if it doesn't work out, I don't speak to them anymore. Maybe it seems like a defense mechanism, but I do somewhat have a black and white view to people who don't play a particular role in my life. That's why it's so easy to discard them like paper and move on, without all the anguishes of grieving and NC.

 

I didn't say I was fond of LDR's, I would just prefer a guy that didn't live so close to me so as to come in conflict with my personal interests. When I said I prefer to keep dating life and personal home life separate, I think I'm somewhat leading a double life. Home life to me is where I can relax, carry on a more traditional view of thing, namely involving family. Since I'm asian I'm expected to be studious and respectful and that has in many ways come into conflict with my American influences. Thus when it comes to dating, I'm wild and adventurous and less restrictive about things. So I would prefer if these two things don't come into contact with each other.

[LovehateLove]

So I would prefer if these two things don't come into contact with each other.

 

I'm sure there are people who will agree with you. I am one of those people. However they do come in contact with each other at some point. There will come a time where you won't be able to keep them apart. Marriage and raising a family come into my mind.

 

These things, I do not think you are mature enough to be in any relationship. After all you did admit to self sabotaging things, maybe you should enjoy the single life and all the fruits it has to offer, for which there is plenty.

[Trimmer]

that's why I prefer casual relationships, I don't want the burden of having to deal with anything emotional.

Then I suspect that a lot of men out there are going to seem "clingy" to you, because at some point, I think most of us are looking for some kind of emotional connection - not to say that every date has to have a permanent, long term commitment as its goal, but you sound pretty detached. What's the point of dating, then?

[D-Lish]

I couldn't imagine dating someone and never letting them into my home.

If I am invested- they get to see me... without make-up, without clothes, and how I decorate and live.

 

You know- you're probably not ready for a relationship.

That's neither here nor there.... it just is what it is.

 

When you are ready, you will meet the right person and WANT them to be a part of your life- including seeing how you live.

 

If it's not what you are ready for- don't sweat it.

When you are ready, you'll feel it. And you'll also feel the excitement about cleaning your place and showing it off. That's when you will know.

 

Until then- enjoy dating and having freedom.

That's not a bad thing!

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm sure there are people who will agree with you. I am one of those people. However they do come in contact with each other at some point. There will come a time where you won't be able to keep them apart. Marriage and raising a family come into my mind.

 

These things, I do not think you are mature enough to be in any relationship. After all you did admit to self sabotaging things, maybe you should enjoy the single life and all the fruits it has to offer, for which there is plenty.

 

Once again, let me emphasize I don't want a relationship, I was merely asking about people's opinion about whether dating people that lives close to them is a good idea. The notion that I have is that any person that lives close to me are more likely to want to know where I live and bring up the idea of meeting my family.

I think I should emphasize the fact that my family are very traditional, my mom has this ideal about dating people within the asian community and that any other races just isn't good enough. I, of course don't see eye to eye with her on alot of things, and her narrow mindedness can be intolerable at times. I actually prefer to date people outside my race yet I know that if I were to date, the possibility of bringing them home is slim to none. And I have no problems with that because it's my choice to date, as long as having a guy in my life doesn't affect my other engagements.

 

 

Then I suspect that a lot of men out there are going to seem "clingy" to you, because at some point, I think most of us are looking for some kind of emotional connection - not to say that every date has to have a permanent, long term commitment as its goal, but you sound pretty detached. What's the point of dating, then?

 

What's wrong with being detached Trimmer? I think it works wonders for me. Or would you rather I start loving the guy after a month and expect us to be married after the third?

 

I know most guys would look for an emotional connection, but guys my age are pretty detached themselves, so I think it works just fine. Also I have a strong aversion to wanting to become attached. I see myself being pretty loyal but if things were to ever get serious, I tend to self sabotage things, to nit pick at his faults and convince myself to break up.

[xpaperxcutx]

I couldn't imagine dating someone and never letting them into my home.

If I am invested- they get to see me... without make-up, without clothes, and how I decorate and live.

 

You know- you're probably not ready for a relationship.

That's neither here nor there.... it just is what it is.

 

When you are ready, you will meet the right person and WANT them to be a part of your life- including seeing how you live.

 

If it's not what you are ready for- don't sweat it.

When you are ready, you'll feel it. And you'll also feel the excitement about cleaning your place and showing it off. That's when you will know.

 

Until then- enjoy dating and having freedom.

That's not a bad thing!

 

Thanks D. But I have a question, do people tend to invest in dates or do they invest more in relationships? To me I think dating doesn't need investment because it's way more casual. Relationships on the other hand requires you to constantly fret and worry over every little detail.

[LovehateLove]

Once again, let me emphasize I don't want a relationship, I was merely asking about people's opinion about whether dating people that lives close to them is a good idea. The notion that I have is that any person that lives close to me are more likely to want to know where I live and bring up the idea of meeting my family.

I think I should emphasize the fact that my family are very traditional, my mom has this ideal about dating people within the asian community and that any other races just isn't good enough. I, of course don't see eye to eye with her on alot of things, and her narrow mindedness can be intolerable at times. I actually prefer to date people outside my race yet I know that if I were to date, the possibility of bringing them home is slim to none. And I have no problems with that because it's my choice to date, as long as having a guy in my life doesn't affect my other engagements.

 

I understand what you have said and I have responded accordingly to the points you have posted. You want to casually date? That's fine, but what do you want from casual dating apart from meals out with different men and the chance to see new films, go bowling and play pitching putt? Is it a social experiment of some form? A chance to widen your social circle? It seems odd that someone would just date for the sake of dating. There is usually ulterior motives behind dating, be it a one night stand with a man or woman who is daft enough to sleep with someone on the first date, be it kissing practise or trying to find that special someone to begin a committed relationship with.

 

If you want my opinion on whether or not dating someone near you is a good idea, then yes it is a good idea. It turns into a bad idea when one or two of you screw things up, behave immaturely and fakes an illness. Apart from these drawbacks, the positives outweigh the negatives.

 

I can understand why you feel as though you can't bring home a male who is not of your race. My father is of a similar ilk to your mom in this sense. However, if you have your own apartment or room then you shouldn't be afraid to show it to a person you might be very interested in or a boyfriend. I hope I haven't misunderstood anything you have said.