No Contact to get Ex back

August 13, 2008

if you were dumped after 3 years of being with a boyfriend with him saying i don't want to focus on anyone right now other than me, i'm not happy, i have to make myself happy before i can make you happy etc etc..and he knew you wanted to work things out but he didn't want to...and a few days later you call upset leaving a v-mail saying you hate how this was done through text messaging and on the phone and you just want to speak to get closure...and he texts you back saying he wasn't up for speaking but we will...and then a few weeks later he calls your friend's boyfriend who he never called before and it was a night before his trip he had planned a long time ago and he asked how i was....and also knowing you still had a few odds and ends at his place that you don't have back yet...would this give you some small hope he may just need time and wants to work things out soon?

it was two months ago he wrote that text to me and it was 2 weeks ago he called my friend's boyfriend who he isn't even friends with really and he never called him before.

I have not contacted him at all since he sent me that text that he wasn't up for talking; but we will

i dont like the feeling of being in limbo even though he ended it..somehow it seems like its not over for good because he wrote we will speak and him calling my friend's boyfriend asking how i was

August 13, 2008

Once again, NC is not a "tool" to win someone back.

It's hard-core medicine to HEAL YOURSELF.

Period.

August 13, 2008

i thought it was a tool for both? to give them what they want (all the space in the world) and for healing yourself if they don't come back?

in any event--i would like to ask this in regards to an ex and my post above and if it makes them wonder and want to possibly work on things?

thank you

August 13, 2008

i thought it was a tool for both?

NO!

to give them what they want (all the space in the world) and for healing yourself if they don't come back?

Giving them space is no guarantee they are coming back. When someone checks out of a relationship, odds are they aren't returning. Why?! Because they know you (and me). They know what we're about. They don't have that passion, love and committment to us that they MAY have for someone NEW.

in any event--i would like to ask this in regards to an ex and my post above and if it makes them wonder and want to possibly work on things?

thank you

Does it make them wonder? Yes.

Does it make them come back? No.

Nothing does. Only their heart can decide when/if they ever decide to want a second chance. And hopefully by then, you'll be loooooooooong gone.

August 13, 2008

does anyone else have opinions on this?

i have read a lot of threads on what no contact is used for and it seems people use it for both..and i think sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt and i think it depends on the situation, how people broke up, was everything said and done etc etc

thats why i am asking in regards to my situation..does it seem like things may not be over for good...its the feeling i have and other people have said in some ways that is what it seems to them as well but he hasnt contacted me so they can't say for sure.

August 13, 2008

Jmmm....you are fishing for the answer you want to hear.

Continue to read the site and you...like I...will realize that using NC for the purpose of getting them back will not make you happy. It only works when you do it for you.

I don't think any of the established members here will tell you that NC will get back your ex...and frankly this should of been posted in the "second chance" forum section.

Best of luck and I suggest reading the tons of NC topics under the "second chance" section and do some inner looking.

August 13, 2008

Jmmm....you are fishing for the answer you want to hear.

Continue to read the site and you...like I...will realize that using NC for the purpose of getting them back will not make you happy. It only works when you do it for you.

I don't think any of the established members here will tell you that NC will get back your ex...and frankly this should of been posted in the "second chance" forum section.

Best of luck and I suggest reading the tons of NC topics under the "second chance" section and do some inner looking.

Sometimes it takes them a while to believe the veterans of bad relationships actually know a thing or two

August 13, 2008

I'm still getting it beat into my thick head on the daily. People like you CaliGuy are a great asset to the site...maybe looking into some profit sharing? lol jp

Sorry to hijack...but why you still here anyhow CaliGuy? Sure things must be fine for you by now.

August 13, 2008

does anyone else have opinions on this?

i have read a lot of threads on what no contact is used for and it seems people use it for both..and i think sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt and i think it depends on the situation, how people broke up, was everything said and done etc etc

thats why i am asking in regards to my situation..does it seem like things may not be over for good...its the feeling i have and other people have said in some ways that is what it seems to them as well but he hasnt contacted me so they can't say for sure.

Sister jmmm, when NC works for this end:

i have read a lot of threads on what no contact is used for and it seems people use it for both..and i think sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt and i think it depends on the situation, how people broke up, was everything said and done etc etc

Your hopeful intentions are overlooking something here. People who have employed NC used it and dedicated themselves to it by believing that he/she is not coming back. Ever. They can wish on all of the stars in our vast galaxy and Billy/Sue will STILL not come back.

There is always a possibility that an ex will come back. Life is SO good at throwing curveballs. But to us who chose NC? We think about those possibilities, but we don't make our decisions, live our lives, to attain that goal of re-uniting with someone. Most of us can think of what NC might do to the one getting cut off, but because people are people... There's just no way to guarantee that Jim Bob's going to miss you once you're gone or that Sally saw the stuffed heart you gave her and she was suddenly struck by love all over again. Free will and all that, you know?

You go NC and you just don't know how it's going to affect the one you're doing NC to. You just don't. A lot of us went NC cold turkey and high ho, no one came running back. There are other times where the wish actually DID come true, only... only the reality that it became wasn't as great as we thought it would be (in this case, I'd recommend you put in a search for brother fox1234's threads... he's got a hell of a story for LS users).

Let him go.

August 13, 2008

I agree with CaliGuy and the rest of the LS members whom responded.

NC is not something you "use" to get them back. It is something for you to recover and to move on.

Well, if they do want to come back because of NC, well that is another question all together.

August 13, 2008

i agree that it should be used as a tool to heal yourself but i disagree that people do not use it as a tool as well to possibly get the person back

i have read a lot of posts and people are not just using this as a tool to heal themselves..

it is definitely a gamble whether they come back or not..that is why i think it depends on the break up, what was done, what was said etc etc

i just wanted advice in regards to my original post--him calling my friends bf, the fact he wrote we will talk, and the fact i still have some things at his place

all of this kind of gives me the feeling it may not be over and time just may be needed..thus i have left him alone..which is two fold because it helps me in the end

August 13, 2008

sometimes i think people choose to beleive what they want....no matter how obvious it is that its over. just remember jmmm....actions speak louder than words. he may say something....but the action was that he's left you.

August 13, 2008

i agree that it should be used as a tool to heal yourself but i disagree that people do not use it as a tool as well to possibly get the person back

i have read a lot of posts and people are not just using this as a tool to heal themselves..

And what will you find is that these are the people who struggle excessively with NC.

The reason is because they are attaching themselves to an unrealistic outcome (getting their ex back) via using no contact. If they don't see signs that it is 'working' in this regard, then they are tempted to...& often do...break it.

If you employ NC for yourself and yourself only, you will heal alot quicker...and be less likely to break it, than if you employ it with the intention (half-hearted or not) of getting a reaction from your ex.

August 13, 2008

i just wanted advice in regards to my original post--him calling my friends bf, the fact he wrote we will talk, and the fact i still have some things at his place

all of this kind of gives me the feeling it may not be over and time just may be needed..thus i have left him alone..which is two fold because it helps me in the end

In your original post you said that you don't like the feeling of being in limbo.

I think you have an expectation that your ex should end this 'limbo'. It's not him that's keeping you there however - it is yourself.

YOU have the power to stop analysing every little aspect of your ex's behaviour and YOU have the power to put this behind you and move on.

You want out of limbo? Take yourself out of it....

August 13, 2008

I'm going to write the same thing to you that I wrote to you a few weeks ago:

I'm not going to answer whether or not he wants you back, because frankly I don't know.

However, what I DO know is that your relationship with him would be doomed if you did get back together again. I've gone back and read all your threads, and also your multiple threads about this particular subject. It's very clear that you're clingy, desperate, and controlling. You're even trying to control the replies of the people on this board! "Don't you think that..." "Don't you agree that..." You're trying to manipulate people into saying what you want to hear, and you'll keep asking until you do!

I don't mean to sound harsh, because I've been where you are. However, sometimes tough love is warranted.

You may have read the book "Why Men Love Bitches", but it's clear that you didn't understand the point of it. The point wasn't to learn how to further manipulate men (well, maybe to a slight degree), but more about reclaiming YOUR OWN LIFE. And you don't seem to have done that. You're just obsessing over this dude.

I think that you need to spend some time ALONE and find your own self esteem and your own happiness. I'm not even your ex and I already feel suffocated reading some of your threads. Please - find a GOOD therapist and really dig into your issues. And I don't mean one you'll just see until you get your boyfriend back (not that I'm saying you will), but someone who will work on your problems with you. And do it for YOURSELF, not as a tool to just help you get this guy back.

Good luck.

August 13, 2008

I'm still getting it beat into my thick head on the daily. People like you CaliGuy are a great asset to the site...maybe looking into some profit sharing? lol jp

Sorry to hijack...but why you still here anyhow CaliGuy? Sure things must be fine for you by now.

I came to LS because I was the classic "door mat" nice guy. Only at the time, I didn't realize it. Since I have been here I have made a lot of personal improvement. Case in point, the last girl I dated. I did NOT make the same mistakes I did with the first ex. The only real problem I see is that I ended up with someone who was remarkably like my ex in the fact she is deeply insecure and I ignored some red flags.

What I didn't do was beg, plead, be needy or seek validation from her. So in many respects, I learned a lot, applied a lot of those lessons to this past relationship and feel that I've made great progress.

But I am not 100% where I think I should be. LS is good therapy because it serves as a constant reminder of both the progress I have made and the minor adjustments that are still necessary.

I imagine when I find Ms Right that I won't "need" to be on LS as much, but I really think that the things I have learned, the valuable lessons of the past, I can and SHOULD be passing them along to those who are experiencing what I have. That is really the main reason to be here.

I feel that if I don't pass those lessons along to others I am performing an injustice...

August 13, 2008

Sister jmmm, when NC works for this end:

Your hopeful intentions are overlooking something here. People who have employed NC used it and dedicated themselves to it by believing that he/she is not coming back. Ever. They can wish on all of the stars in our vast galaxy and Billy/Sue will STILL not come back.

There is always a possibility that an ex will come back. Life is SO good at throwing curveballs. But to us who chose NC? We think about those possibilities, but we don't make our decisions, live our lives, to attain that goal of re-uniting with someone. Most of us can think of what NC might do to the one getting cut off, but because people are people... There's just no way to guarantee that Jim Bob's going to miss you once you're gone or that Sally saw the stuffed heart you gave her and she was suddenly struck by love all over again. Free will and all that, you know?

You go NC and you just don't know how it's going to affect the one you're doing NC to. You just don't. A lot of us went NC cold turkey and high ho, no one came running back. There are other times where the wish actually DID come true, only... only the reality that it became wasn't as great as we thought it would be (in this case, I'd recommend you put in a search for brother fox1234's threads... he's got a hell of a story for LS users).

Let him go.

I can't find anything about fox1234... can u help? I wanna read this story

actually are u talkin about foxh1234?

August 13, 2008

I can't find anything about fox1234... can u help? I wanna read this story

actually are u talkin about foxh1234?

Yep. Go read his story. It's a prime example of what using NC to heal and regain your self-respect will do for you.

August 13, 2008

everyone is entitled to an opinion but i guess i wasn't asking in general terms about no contact..i was asking due to my situation..and i would like to try again and the second time around i think i know what to do and what things aren't right to do in a relationship

given the fact this was my first time with alot of things--it was a learning experience

i do not want to contact him again because he wrote he wasnt up for speaking when i left a message asking for closure but he said we will. And i truly believe we will talk..i just don't know when...i made myself a deadline of how long to wait

i just don't get why someone would call their ex's friends boyfriend who they never called if they were truly done with the person..

just a little confused by it, looking to vent, looking for opinions

thanks.

August 13, 2008

everyone is entitled to an opinion but i guess i wasn't asking in general terms about no contact..i was asking due to my situation..and i would like to try again and the second time around i think i know what to do and what things aren't right to do in a relationship

given the fact this was my first time with alot of things--it was a learning experience

i do not want to contact him again because he wrote he wasnt up for speaking when i left a message asking for closure but he said we will. And i truly believe we will talk..i just don't know when...i made myself a deadline of how long to wait

i just don't get why someone would call their ex's friends boyfriend who they never called if they were truly done with the person..

just a little confused by it, looking to vent, looking for opinions

thanks.

jmmm ... I think we sometimes forget that dumpers just like the dumpees are still human.. still have feelings and just cause he doesnt want to be in a relationship with you (for whatever reason) it doesnt mean they will stop thinking about you... It might be once in a while and it might be just oh that reminds me of them i should see how they are...

I personally think you are reading to much into him calling your friends b/f... and i think you are holding alot of hope in the fact he will call and give you closure... When he said it he might of ment it.. but 2 months and nothing? I think you need to take a bit of control for yourself... Let go of the hope he will call and give yourself back some power and confidence...

August 14, 2008

i think you should rad my thread " non-believer of NC??" b/c honestly i knwo think i am a believer b/c having contact mkaes it feel like you break up over and over again,everytime that things are not as good as you hoped... i think NC can get someone back, but it also allows you to heal and is a huge setback if you have contact. This past weekend when my ex stayed over ( and this is the first time i am referring to him as my ex), i wsa on such a hihg and now i am am back to being on a low. keep in mind durinng this time of "contact" i went away on vacation where i shoudl have been healing but instead i am back to square one.

i am a big believer of not giving up on love, so i think maybe one last conversation about how you feel could work, and then it is on them to mkae their decision.

August 14, 2008

hey Ellen,

thanks for writing

i just feel i might have contacted him enough..i texted him after we broke up the next day and 2 days later..so he knows i didn't want it to be over..and when i asked for closure that is when he said he wasn't up for speaking but we will

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