sunshinegirl Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 I had dinner tonight with my ex-ex. This is the guy I dated in between my bad 2005 breakup, which brought me to LS in the first place, and my current ex. Background: D and I met the summer of 05 and dated for about 3 months. From the start we knew we had religious differences and 3 months in, more or less mutually decided that we shouldn't continue because we had a built-in dealbreaker. I continued to nurse my feelings for him after the breakup, and we stayed in contact. A few months later I asked him to reconsider, as I had come to some new (and independent of him) conclusions about my faith that made us a better fit. He said no but kind of led me on for some months, until the next summer when he finally told me he had started dating someone else. I was crushed because by then I really loved him and thought somehow we'd get back together. I went NC for about a year though for some reason I don't think I posted on LS about him. If I had, I would have posted a lot of the kinds of things we all post here - missing our ex, wondering what they're really thinking, trying to move on. I eventually started dating around and met Eric (current ex) who I started dating in Feb 07. So at dinner tonight we're talking about all kinds of stuff; my revelations about my unavailability and crappy man-picking patterns, then his semi-revelations about being unavailable. Which segues into him telling me he thinks he made a dumb mistake in 2006 in not getting back together with me, and that if I ever wanted to go out on a date again, he thinks that would be really cool. My proverbial jaw was on the floor. I didn't want him to be saying any of it! What is it with people's timing??? Had he been willing to get back together in 2006, I would have, and things betwen us might have been really really different. But now, two years later? I am really over him and feel like we gave things a shot and it didn't work. It's time for us both to move on. But THEN I think: holy crap, have I learned nothing? Am I just repeating my same unavailable routines? Someone I care about is telling me he's available and interested and I don't want to jump on it. Is this simply another iteration of my own patterns playing out? I could use input on the above question, but I also wanted to share this as an example of the true impossibility of knowing what's going on in our exes' heads. He rejected me in 2006, telling me he didn't have romantic feelings for me anymore and that he had started seeing someone else. Yet two years later he's saying he was stupid and made a mistake. Yet now, I don't want him. I want Eric.
Lovelybird Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 I think the 'newess factor' wear out, and he realized that, he may be not, be careful
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 I'm not sure I follow, can you elaborate on what you mean?
Lovelybird Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 I mean when this man dated you, that time you may have some unresolved issues between you two, instead of solving the issues, and facing his weaknesse, he run for another new woman who was new, can make him feel about himself "everything is fine, I am so cool, nothing to worry about". He may simply be bored, but instead of developing deeper, searching deeper, he run for excitement--new factor. but after a while, the old issues resurface, he again has to face those issues in him, so he got bored again, and run to next. Unless he learned to face those weaknesses in him, face the root of boredom, he will continue to search excitement and new. And I am sure he misses you and all you offered. so I said 'be careful'
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 Gotcha. That makes sense. He and I talked through what happened between us - it seems we are (or at least were) both unavailable two years ago. Our religious differences were a nice built-in way to guarantee distance... hence the breakup at 3 months. Two months later though it was his unavailability that kicked in, because I was at his doorstep, hat in hand, saying "wait, some things have changed at my end, let's try to work things out". And he was saying no to me. Now he says he's realized that it was a mistake to reject me. Blah blah blah, it just seems like a dumb dance - we each want the other at different times and maybe he's showing interest NOW because once again I'm unavailable to some extent. Whatever the case may be, I don't have romantic feelings for him anymore so I'm not really considering getting back with him. I'll talk it through with my counselor to uncover the deeper psychological roots of why I don't want him anymore.
LikeCharlotte Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 hi sunshine I just wanted to tell you that there is nothing wrong with not being interested in someone. You just aren't. Period. Consider how common it is for you to not be attracted to someone and NOT have interest. If it was a problem you would need tons of therapy. Personally I never go back and my exes just LOVE to pop up and ask for redemption at inappropriate times. Over is over, plain and simple. Short of building me a Taj Mahal and pulling an elaborate "Say Anything" they can't so much as get me to respond to their revelations about the deceased relationship. Occasionally I will be fair and say "Hey, great that you learned something. Hope it works out for you". "If you really wanted to screw me up, you should've gotten to me earlier." - High Fidelity
0hpenelope Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 My oh my, sunshinegirl. Very interesting. Another point for my classic textbook scenario hypothesis: they come back in some way. How are you holding up? Were you friends with Ex(2x) while you were with Eric? Hopefully I'm not being too nosy by asking these questions. I'm sorry in advance.
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 My oh my, sunshinegirl. Very interesting. Another point for my classic textbook scenario hypothesis: they come back in some way. How are you holding up? Were you friends with Ex(2x) while you were with Eric? Hopefully I'm not being too nosy by asking these questions. I'm sorry in advance. I'm holding up well. I feel badly for D, but in a weird way it has been an overall encouragement to me to know he still cares. Bleah, not good to want/need the external validation, BUT: it really has helped me stop freaking out about Eric living some grandiose, absurdly happy life without me, where he never thinks of me and never misses me. I had the same set of thoughts about D when we broke up, and now I come to find out that he sees me as, in some way, "the one that got away". As to whether D and I were friends while I was with Eric - I called D for the first time in a year when Eric dumped me the first time (May 07). He was thrilled to hear from me and was a bit of a shoulder to lean on--all platonic. Eric and I got back together in July, and D and I stayed in sporadic contact. We invited him to a dinner party once and I was otherwise very clear with Eric about the nature of our friendship, that we had dated before, that I wouldn't be in touch with him if it bothered Eric. Eric was never bothered. And I never picked up on any vibe other than friendship from D.
orangehose Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 it really has helped me stop freaking out about Eric living some grandiose, absurdly happy life without me, where he never thinks of me and never misses me. Really interesting, SSG. Once again, it seems as though if they DO come back, it's at a point when we're over them and longing for someone else. Ironic how life works. But I quoted the above because I think it's the lesson in all of this - that really no ex of ours is out there living this picture-perfect, glorious life once they're no longer with us. Even if they ran out of the relationship into a playboy mansion, sooner or later they're back to living a basically ordinary life with ordinary issues.
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