SofiaLo Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Two weeks, a week ago I called and got voice mail. Today is terrible, I have called about five times. Understanding- He needs space, does not want to give me false hopes. Anger- He said he will call Anger- why can't he just say its not a good time right now? Fear - I'm giving him the tools to hurt me. Fear - I' feel like a psycho. Hope - Someone here will understand me. And I thought I was walking away................
jj33 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I know how you feel when MM and I first ended the A and every single time the rubber band pulled back thereafter (during the emotoinal A) i was so angry and so hurt I sent him emails and texts etc etc etc. It made me feel better at the time to get it all out. In retrospect I wish I had not as it didnt change anything. I wish I could have kept my dignity intact. But I didnt. He is not giving you the choice which is very frustrating. Do whatever you can not to call him. If he were single and he said he needed to or backed off end it would you keep calling him? Unlikely. There is something that feels different about these relationships I think its because in many cases the OW spends so much time accomodating and subsisting on hope faith whatever it is that when the MM backs away all the suppressed emotion comes out. Post as much as you feel you need to do anything you can to get the emotions out. He doesnt need to know. There is nothing he could know that would make a difference. He is doing whatever thinking he needs to do and you need to let him do that. Take good care.
wildsoul Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Oh, we understand love. We understand. Remember: You are in withdrawals. The cravings for contact are very strong. They defy logic. The best thing you can do is simply start your NC over again. It's good you admitted it, rather than keep it a secret that you feel bad about. Just start over. It might help if you really nurture yourself right now. There is a neediness underneath that craving that you can attend to. Slow down and take care of yourself. We're here for you.
astra77 Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 He doesnt need to know. There is nothing he could know that would make a difference. He is doing whatever thinking he needs to do and you need to let him do that. Take good care. This is so so true jj, so very true. MM/MW know exactly how badly the OP is suffering. They know exactly what has happened and how the OP feels. Do they care - maybe, maybe not. Affair partners know exactly the way you feel about them, they are in the R with you after all. It's not the first time you have said to them - huny i love you, you make me feel fantasic, i love it when we make love etc etc. You have said this to them numerous times throughout your A, so they know exactly what you want - an exclusive R with no sharing them with their H or W. You want to have a proper committed R with them. The only thing is for many and varied reasons, they do not want that with you. If a married A partner has not left their H or W fairly early on in the R, my bet is it aint gonna happen ever. I have learnt alot in the past few months myself 1. Affairs are not healthy - for ANYONE involved 2. The A partner KNOWS exactly how you feel about them - they just dont feel the same way about you if they chose to stay M 3. Just because they stay M and have NC with the OM/OW doesnt mean they are not hurting too, but there is STILL no hope of a R with OP while they are M. 4. You cant MAKE someone feel something for you that probably wasnt there to begin with. As much as YOU want to believe they felt the same way, 9 out of 10 dont feel the same as you do, but they will FOOL you into believing that they do share the same feelings - this is a HOOK that will forever have bait on it for YOU. For so long as YOU keep taking the bait and sucking it up, they will ALWAYS keep the bait right there on the HOOK. And YOU will always take it. This is a VERY hard thing for a OP to STOP doing 5. If someone is trapped in a cold and heartless M, only THEY are able to break free, nothing YOU can do will make them leave, no matter how good the sex is between you and them. They have to see their M for what it is. Denial of a cold M is partly to blame for them seeking out another partner in the first place and the denial continues throughout the A to stop the guilt creeping in. And when the A is over, they will deny to themselves that the A took place and continue to live their life and deny there is a problem in the M, or they will deny the A ended and convince themself that they can win you back to ease there own suffering WITHOUT a second thought about how this makes the OP feel. Not sure this helps, just musing
mytruelove Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 I SO NEEDED TO READ THIS POST TONIGHT!!! thanks for posting it. right now, i'm sitting here, upset because i called my guy twice (am fighting a third call) because he said we would "try" to get together tonight. he didn't answer either call. i was so excited and needing to see him- we haven't been able to have a lot of quality time lately and hence - my thinking of taking a break out of frustration and loss of patience. there is so much i want to talk to him about and was so looking forward to hanging with him -now i have to "wait" till he is there and has time. grrr.... right now i'm trying to slowy switch the dynamics in the relationship a little to where he is doing more of the calling and emailing... it's a SLOW process because it has always been more me. HANG IN THERE SWEETIE!!! i soo understand and you are okay. you are an awesome sweet person and he's missing out -as is my guy!!! - another thing that bothers me - how much they miss and we miss. have a good night - take care of yourself
wildsoul Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 5. If someone is trapped in a cold and heartless M, only THEY are able to break free, nothing YOU can do will make them leave, no matter how good the sex is between you and them. They have to see their M for what it is. Denial of a cold M is partly to blame for them seeking out another partner in the first place and the denial continues throughout the A to stop the guilt creeping in. And when the A is over, they will deny to themselves that the A took place and continue to live their life and deny there is a problem in the M, or they will deny the A ended and convince themself that they can win you back to ease there own suffering WITHOUT a second thought about how this makes the OP feel. Not sure this helps, just musing That was great! I'm going to add a speculative addition to #5. If they felt guilty about the A after one of you ended it, the MP might blame you. Then, they can either go back to their H/W or seek another OP as if it's a "fresh start." In other words, when you go away, then they also scapegoat their guilt and painful feelings away. Contacting them during that phase is not going to be welcome, particularly if you are trying to get them to feel sorry for you! (I think this is what my xMM is doing at this stage where he's angry at me for leaving.)
Author SofiaLo Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 Hi everyone, so comforting to hear from you. (you see I'm already attached!) Thank you so much for your replies. I wander if the housecleaning I need to do has me going in circles! I dread house chores. And I really dread the idea of having meant nothing. I'm not much of a support right now but I hope you are keeping steady WildSoul.
mytruelove Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP!!! - it's a precious loss of time and energy.... just keeping moving forward personally, the reason i'm trying not to call as much is because when my efforts are not returned or i feel like i'm getting blown off- it wrecks havoc on my self -esteem and doesn't make me feel good... and i WANT to feel good. do something that makes you feel good - if housecleaning isn't it - find something more relaxing -lol. have a good night
Author SofiaLo Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 Mytruelove, If you are already dress.....do you think you could go somewhere for a little while? get tiny bit of ice cream or whatever? the idea is to kill time. Then you can post again.......That's what the brave me would like to do ,but today is not the that day. Take care.
crystal_lostheart Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 This is so so true jj, so very true. MM/MW know exactly how badly the OP is suffering. They know exactly what has happened and how the OP feels. Do they care - maybe, maybe not. Affair partners know exactly the way you feel about them, they are in the R with you after all. It's not the first time you have said to them - huny i love you, you make me feel fantasic, i love it when we make love etc etc. You have said this to them numerous times throughout your A, so they know exactly what you want - an exclusive R with no sharing them with their H or W. You want to have a proper committed R with them. The only thing is for many and varied reasons, they do not want that with you. If a married A partner has not left their H or W fairly early on in the R, my bet is it aint gonna happen ever. I have learnt alot in the past few months myself 1. Affairs are not healthy - for ANYONE involved 2. The A partner KNOWS exactly how you feel about them - they just dont feel the same way about you if they chose to stay M 3. Just because they stay M and have NC with the OM/OW doesnt mean they are not hurting too, but there is STILL no hope of a R with OP while they are M. 4. You cant MAKE someone feel something for you that probably wasnt there to begin with. As much as YOU want to believe they felt the same way, 9 out of 10 dont feel the same as you do, but they will FOOL you into believing that they do share the same feelings - this is a HOOK that will forever have bait on it for YOU. For so long as YOU keep taking the bait and sucking it up, they will ALWAYS keep the bait right there on the HOOK. And YOU will always take it. This is a VERY hard thing for a OP to STOP doing 5. If someone is trapped in a cold and heartless M, only THEY are able to break free, nothing YOU can do will make them leave, no matter how good the sex is between you and them. They have to see their M for what it is. Denial of a cold M is partly to blame for them seeking out another partner in the first place and the denial continues throughout the A to stop the guilt creeping in. And when the A is over, they will deny to themselves that the A took place and continue to live their life and deny there is a problem in the M, or they will deny the A ended and convince themself that they can win you back to ease there own suffering WITHOUT a second thought about how this makes the OP feel. Not sure this helps, just musing So well said A. Doing NC should be about regaining control of your life. It's sounds like a horrible thing to go through but I guess when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. So there is always hope, when the pain starts to go and you see that this was not the best situation for you to be in
Author SofiaLo Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 Hi jj33, I agree and wish the understanding of my behaviour would make me stop for good. I have stop for now, for today. Now I feel good that I didn't get to talk to him. Here is something wicked: I want him to change his #. (just when i'm mad I want him to do something to acknowledge that something major has happened, that life does stop when I'm hurting.) Scary, but not out of control.
jj33 Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 You can delete his numbers. Delete his email his numbers his IM etc and then it is harder for you to contact hm. His numbers were in my phone i never knew them by heart. If its the same for you, that would be a great way of not calling.
beautifullove Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Do they really hurt as well???? When his W decided to text me from his phone, she said he came back on his own. This is strange to me, as he convinced me his M was over. We lived together, and he had limited contact with her, because we were together a lot of the time, unless he saw his son. It took him less then a day to suddenly change his mind, after nearly nine solid months. I only have myself to blame. NC has helped me a lot, however, I really don't have any choice in the matter, although I WANT ANSWERS for the sake of closure. I wish I could be a fly on the wall. Sorry for rambling!
GreenEyedLady Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Do not call anymore ladies... If he wants you, he will be breaking down your door. You're feeding his ego by continuing to call him. You need to control your actions. You are showing by your actions that you are #1 not in control and #2 acting slightly stalkerish. Stalkerish = Not sexy You make more noise with silence. GEL
astra77 Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Do not call anymore ladies... If he wants you, he will be breaking down your door. You're feeding his ego by continuing to call him. You need to control your actions. You are showing by your actions that you are #1 not in control and #2 acting slightly stalkerish. Stalkerish = Not sexy You make more noise with silence. GEL Nice post GEL. Ladies, GEL is right, she is one switched on lady
astra77 Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Doing NC should be about regaining control of your life. It's sounds like a horrible thing to go through but I guess when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. So there is always hope, when the pain starts to go and you see that this was not the best situation for you to be in Thanks huny, you are right, when you have nothing left, there is ALWAYS hope. Hope to start a new life and heal from all my pain - thats what i want, i DONT want to end up bitter and twisted about this. This is one of my many reasons for doing and sticking to NC. There have been times when i have felt like I will feel like this FOREVER, but I dont want that, I want to move on & stretch my angel wings. Keep strong CL (((HUGS)))
astra77 Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Hi jj33, I agree and wish the understanding of my behaviour would make me stop for good. I have stop for now, for today. Now I feel good that I didn't get to talk to him. Here is something wicked: I want him to change his #. (just when i'm mad I want him to do something to acknowledge that something major has happened, that life does stop when I'm hurting.) Scary, but not out of control. Hi SL Just try to program yourself to take it SLOW Im still taking my days in HOURS.... literally I expect nothing more, nothing less than to survive the hour, anything else that happens in that time, i deal with it. I found that i even laugh now and dont feel guilty about being happy. and i can safely say it has worked. At the same time i dont clock watch, focusing on what the time is was messing with my head, so I decided not to take as much notice. Just remember SL - SLOWLY SLOWLY. Best of luck
astra77 Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Do they really hurt as well???? Yeah BL, I reckon they do, but as to how long they hurt for, it varies greatly. Woman are more emotional than men. Some may be upset for a few days, some weeks and maybe even some are hurt for a life time. When his W decided to text me from his phone, she said he came back on his own. This is strange to me, as he convinced me his M was over. We lived together, and he had limited contact with her, because we were together a lot of the time, unless he saw his son. It took him less then a day to suddenly change his mind, after nearly nine solid months. I only have myself to blame. NC has helped me a lot, however, I really don't have any choice in the matter, although I WANT ANSWERS for the sake of closure. I wish I could be a fly on the wall. Sorry for rambling! Im not meaning to get your hopes up, coz at this stage you need to focus on YOU right now, please do not loose sight of this BL. His wife is threatened by you, you have threatened her M. She sees his return as a sign she has won and wants you to think you lost. She wants you to "believe" they are happy, i can assure you the are not, even if it seems that way to other people. She wants everyone, including you, to think they are ok. The truth is, if he left her to live with you for almost a year, his M sounds like it is pretty much doomed. But as I said before, HE needs to realise this for himself, no matter how much he loves you and how great the sex is. He sounds confused my dear, and probably is. You both need a time out to recover. My advice is to move on for YOU and heal, if he follows at a later date, all of the hurt and pain is behind you and you may be able to rekindle what you have with MM - AFTER THE D IS FINAL - DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS. GEL is on the money - silence is deafening.
mytruelove Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 actually, i got myself pizza last night and drove around a little (went to a track to walk, but once i was there forgot my tennis shoes and went to bed early and that was good! oh, i started yoga in the mornings today. i really like it!!! i saw him this morning and he right away starting explaining how his buddy came over and how busy he was and how tired he was... i just said "i know" and blew it off like i wasn't upset at all. i know he does have a lot of demands and he is not lying about that, soo.....i just said i get time soon and he said when he does i will. so, i'm leaving it at that. funny, he told me "i am the woman" YEP, I KNOW I AM!!!!! you are too, never forget that!!!!!!!!!! if they don't appreciate it, let's keep looking for someone that will. thanks GEL for putting things in perspective and making us think about our actions and thanks for all the insight and helpful replies in this thread.
Author SofiaLo Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 Hey mytruelove, I love it, love it! You are "the woman"! Keep on moving girl!
Author SofiaLo Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 GEL, I wish I had your cool outlook, but why do I resent your words right now?
GreenEyedLady Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 GEL, I wish I had your cool outlook, but why do I resent your words right now? Because it's hard. I know it's hard. But you have to decide you are worth more and deserve better. I always wanted to look back at my actions in our R and say that I made the best possible choices to get the outcome I wanted. That I never betrayed who I am for someone else. That I would never desperately want someone at the expense of my dignity or my sanity. What will be, will be. We cannot force it and we shouldn't want to. Free will is what guides us and those around us. Free will is what shows us the truth in ourselves and in others. I know it's hard. Hang in there. ((HUGS))
GreenEyedLady Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 thanks GEL for putting things in perspective and making us think about our actions Just trying to help. I think you're more likely to get the response you're looking forward if you don't look like you'll do anything to get them back. That puts you in a better position. And one that they will respect you for. I promise.
mytruelove Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 we are much much stronger than we even realize. we have to remember that!!! we have power too ...we need to use it wisely... and YES we are AWESOME WOMEN i think i can safely say that unless i get a phone call or email ... i don't think i'm going to have the urge to call or email my guy till next week. i did what i needed to do this morning and can feel good about taking a little break. i can tell when his stress level is up...that is one thing about us...we are very perceptive when it comes to reading each other.
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Two weeks, a week ago I called and got voice mail. Today is terrible, I have called about five times. Understanding- He needs space, does not want to give me false hopes. Anger- He said he will call Anger- why can't he just say its not a good time right now? Fear - I'm giving him the tools to hurt me. Fear - I' feel like a psycho. Hope - Someone here will understand me. And I thought I was walking away................ Hey, I was going to start a similar thread today but I can really relate to this so I thought I would add to it instead. Well the MM I got involved with has let me down badly many times by saying he would call me on a certain day then days/weeks have passed with not a word from him. If you read my previous threads you will have a better understanding of my situation but basically he went 5 weeks without contacting me knowing full well it was destroying me, I thought I would probably never hear from him again. He called me out of the blue & popped round with a box of chocs saying he wants to continue seeing me so foolishly I gave in dispite all the pain I had been through & let him kiss me etc. I guess I felt I had to make the most of whatever time he could give me and make the most of him being nice to me. After that he said he would call me in a few days...and today - 3 weeks on from that last meeting Im STILL waiting for his call & heard absolutely NOTHING! Was going to post on here today as Ive been feeling really depressed again these last few days & keep crying & finding it hard to concentrate. Who does MM think he is to call when he feels like it?! If its not been convenient to talk he could have SMS or emailed or ANYTHING! Just to reassure me that he hasnt forgotten me. I just hate the fact that I dont know if or when he will call again. It could be tomorrow, it could be next week, or in 10 weeks - you know what I mean?! I would not want to call him for fear of rejection, fear of him ignoring me, fear of causing myself yet more pain if I get a negative or no response from him, also in case he is with his wife or something. The thing is after how hes been in the past (see my previous threads) and with the broken promises about calling me being the straw that has broken the camels back I want to tell him I dont want to see him again due to his dispicable behaviour. Then I can get control back but I wont call him for the reasons I stated above, so I guess I will have to wait for him to contact me before I can tell him a few home truths. So at the moment its all on his terms. Feeling very pathetic that Im waiting for his call. It was addressed in one of the above posts that MM know exactly how the OW is feeling when they ignore their calls/dont call them so if they know how upset its going to make the OW then why do it? Do they just see it as a game?! Well its no joke as I very nearly had a nervous breakdown recently & my MM was aware of that so I dont understand why he would do it for the SECOND time! Or do they like to have control? Cos right now I feel its like hes punishing me & trying to show me whos boss or something.
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