happy update

[shadowplay]

things are a lot better.

 

i know a lot of you are skeptics (as i would be in your shoes) but my bf and i have been doing really well recently. he has been showing through both actions and words that he is committed to me. our one year anniversary is this week and i didn't even have to remind him about it. he apparently has this whole surprise planned. he also went all out on my birthday. right now he's in ny but he's been calling me every day and telling me how much he misses me and loves me. also little things like him mentioning what last name our kids would have the other day or the home we'd buy in a few years.

 

it's obvious to me that the difference is i've chilled out. i'm just trying to relax and not focus on little details. it's nice to have him in my life but i don't feel like i need him the way i used to. i don't feel the desire to be in a super heavy relationship at this point. i guess losing him made me realize that i could survive without him and be ok. i think he's noticed that i'm being more independent and it's increased his respect for me. it's amazing how taking the pressure off somebody can do that. I let him do the initiating and live my life without him.

 

i'm starting to recognize the flaws in my own behavior, and how much i've contributed to our past problems. actually my nightmare experience with harvard guy made me realize how i need to respect boundaries.

 

hope i haven't jinxed myself by writing this.

[Prodigal Princess]

I'm happy that you're happy, shadow.

 

It is so difficult to not overthink things when in a relationship; I'm glad you are learning to chill out and enjoy the moment.

[serialgf]

yeay shadow! i'm so proud of you! i'm sorry i didn't get a chance to respond to your last questions.... i mostly write on this thing at work so i don't have much time.... but it's good to see that you're getting it on your own!! keep it up and don't look back!

[Ariadne]

little things like him mentioning what last name our kids would have the other day or the home we'd buy in a few years.

 

The same old card...

 

But at least you seem more stable and happy when he is in your life.

[shadowplay]

The same old card...

 

But at least you seem more stable and happy when he is in your life.

 

Yeah, I don't have high expectations, but if things don't work I think I'll be OK. It feels like he wants me more than I want him at this point. Not that I don't want him at all, but I'm just less invested which is making the relationship less stressful for me.

[shadowplay]

I'm happy that you're happy, shadow.

 

It is so difficult to not overthink things when in a relationship; I'm glad you are learning to chill out and enjoy the moment.

 

yeay shadow! i'm so proud of you! i'm sorry i didn't get a chance to respond to your last questions.... i mostly write on this thing at work so i don't have much time.... but it's good to see that you're getting it on your own!! keep it up and don't look back!

 

Thanks guys!

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I'm so confused...I thought you guys broke up ages ago? How can it possibly be your anniversary if you were just dating a different guy a couple weeks ago?

[shadowplay]

I'm so confused...I thought you guys broke up ages ago? How can it possibly be your anniversary if you were just dating a different guy a couple weeks ago?

 

Welcome to the mess that is my life. Brief timeline. My ex broke up with me in late June (I think?). I met an old crush for drinks a month ago. My ex and I were still broken up at that point. A few weeks ago we started dating again casually but with no formal commitment. Recently we decided to officially be in a relationship again but we're trying to take things slowly.

[shadowplay]

Things went overall really well this weekend when I saw my bf. He surprised me with a box of four huge gourmet cupcakes that were decorated with the words: "Happy One Year [my name]." He also took me to a nice French restaurant in Brooklyn when I arrived.

 

One minor thing I'll admit that kind of annoys me. When we're separated for a few days he gets ridiculously horny and is ALL OVER ME when we reunite. It's almost embarrassing, but then once we do have sex he's somewhat less affectionate. Is this normal?

 

Btw, I discovered an old journal I was keeping about six years ago and posted some of the entries in my loveshack journal. You guys should check it out.

[shadowplay]

I don't know. I'm starting to feel 'meh' again already. The moment things get more serious I feel this way. Is it something about him or would I feel this way with any guy? I hope the feeling goes away soon.

[shadowplay]

Well, I broke up with him. I found out he had broken his word to me for like the seventh time and arranged to have coffee with his ex in NY. I know the meeting would have prob been platonic, but he's broken his word so many times to me about contacting/meeting with her that it's ridiculous at this point. I cannot trust him. Every time he apologizes profusely and says he won't do it again. Then after the fact he reveals that he didn't keep his word because he wasn't taking it seriously and thought the agreement was unfair to begin with. I promised myself that if he pulled any of his old crap I would break it off with him. I don't want to spend the relationship in paranoia that he's doing things behind my back. I'm honestly kind of shocked because this happened in the midst of our anniversary and him acting all lovey dovey. I'm not even letting myself go there emotionally and feel the hurt.

 

The funny thing is he didn't seem to visibly care when I told him that I was through. He spent most of the night chuckling over something stupid on his computer. What a dick. Shame on me how many times? I've lost count. I am so done.

[xpaperxcutx]

SP, why do you keep doing this to yourself? Let him go.. he's ruining you.

[Balthazar]

Hi Shadow.

 

I rarely comment on your threads(never, actually) because they get too psychoanalytic for me and I feel unqualified to advise.

 

However, I do read them(at least some of the posts), and I get the feelings there is too much analysis and verbosity.

If I am way off, all apologies.

 

Relationships are based on feelings, and actions rather than words.

"Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm"

It sounds cliched, but it is true.

 

What I am trying to do now is just going with the flow, and being a good man in a relationship.

This doesn't mean I won't put the moves on a woman(I will), but it also means that I will try to be there for her and fulfill her needs(not just sexual ones).

 

I think we are talking and analyzing our relationships to death.

We all need to talk less, and do more.

A little sacrifice goes a long way.

 

Forgive me, I have to get my morning ramble out.

 

CHeers,

[shadowplay]

Hi Shadow.

 

I rarely comment on your threads(never, actually) because they get too psychoanalytic for me and I feel unqualified to advise.

 

However, I do read them(at least some of the posts), and I get the feelings there is too much analysis and verbosity.

If I am way off, all apologies.

 

Relationships are based on feelings, and actions rather than words.

"Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm"

It sounds cliched, but it is true.

 

What I am trying to do now is just going with the flow, and being a good man in a relationship.

This doesn't mean I won't put the moves on a woman(I will), but it also means that I will try to be there for her and fulfill her needs(not just sexual ones).

 

I think we are talking and analyzing our relationships to death.

We all need to talk less, and do more.

A little sacrifice goes a long way.

 

Forgive me, I have to get my morning ramble out.

 

CHeers,

 

Thanks. It's hard for me to get out of my own head sometimes and see the other person's point of view. That's something I need to work on.

 

Now I'm starting to second guess myself after talking to my friend. He says I should forgive my bf because the agreement was unreasonable to begin with. What do you guys think? But if I do I worry I'll just seem like a pushover because I've forgiven him over five times for breaking his word about this.

[Ariadne]

I should forgive my bf because the agreement was unreasonable to begin with. What do you guys think? But if I do I worry I'll just seem like a pushover.

 

I think that what you guys have is a fwb thing, and that's why he is acting like a single guy and not caring.

 

He doesn't see you for a while, he gets horny.

You don't see him for a while, you get bored.

 

And you breaking up etc is just part of the push pull stuff that goes on there that makes it more exciting.

[Tryng2Trust08]

Im new to this site, but Im glad things are working out. It's hard sometimes to keep your independence when you're in a relationship and not focus on every little thing.

[Walk]

Thanks. It's hard for me to get out of my own head sometimes and see the other person's point of view. That's something I need to work on.

 

Now I'm starting to second guess myself after talking to my friend. He says I should forgive my bf because the agreement was unreasonable to begin with. What do you guys think? But if I do I worry I'll just seem like a pushover because I've forgiven him over five times for breaking his word about this.

 

Screw that Shadow. So what if your demand was unreasonable.. it was how you felt. Your bf could've talked with you long before this, stuck to his guns, and told you that he wasn't willing to not see his ex. But he didn't did he? He agreed, and then snuck around behind your back.

 

That isn't a man you want to be intimate with in anyway. He'll lie when convienent. To get what he wants.

 

Listen... I've made some unreasonable demands of my H before.. either because I didn't understand the situation, or I felt it crossed my boundary. My H didn't AGREE to it and then run off while my back was turned so he could go do whatever I thought he shouldn't. That's the key here Shadow. Your bf had plenty of other alternatives, and he chose to lie about what he was doing. Don't tolerate it.

 

You set your boundaries. Your bf just walzed right over them. You stuck to them by dumping him (good for you by the way). Now you're thinking of taking him back? What will that show your bf? That what you say and think doesn't matter? That he can do whatever he wants, lie about what he's doing, pretend you two are in a serious relationship while he goes right along his merry way with whatever the hell he wanted to do in the first place.

 

Please... stick to your guns. You deserve someone who's gonna be honest with you. There were so many different paths your bf could've taken if he had truly believed he was doing nothing wrong by seeing his ex. You were right. Your friend is wrong.

[shadowplay]

Screw that Shadow. So what if your demand was unreasonable.. it was how you felt. Your bf could've talked with you long before this, stuck to his guns, and told you that he wasn't willing to not see his ex. But he didn't did he? He agreed, and then snuck around behind your back.

 

That isn't a man you want to be intimate with in anyway. He'll lie when convienent. To get what he wants.

 

Listen... I've made some unreasonable demands of my H before.. either because I didn't understand the situation, or I felt it crossed my boundary. My H didn't AGREE to it and then run off while my back was turned so he could go do whatever I thought he shouldn't. That's the key here Shadow. Your bf had plenty of other alternatives, and he chose to lie about what he was doing. Don't tolerate it.

 

You set your boundaries. Your bf just walzed right over them. You stuck to them by dumping him (good for you by the way). Now you're thinking of taking him back? What will that show your bf? That what you say and think doesn't matter? That he can do whatever he wants, lie about what he's doing, pretend you two are in a serious relationship while he goes right along his merry way with whatever the hell he wanted to do in the first place.

 

Please... stick to your guns. You deserve someone who's gonna be honest with you. There were so many different paths your bf could've taken if he had truly believed he was doing nothing wrong by seeing his ex. You were right. Your friend is wrong.

 

Thanks, that made me feel better about what I did. I need to hear more stuff like this because I don't want to cave. I'm not really regretting my decision but just feeling sad about the outcome. I can't back down now because I need to be true to myself, and it's unfortunate because I do love him.

 

Already I miss him, and it was just this morning that we last saw each other. I keep thinking about all the things I'll miss like cuddling with him, rubbing my nose against his, his smell... But even thinking about that I realize that I was always trying to draw something out of him that wasn't there. He couldn't seem to connect in an intimate way.

 

I wanted a guy who would just enjoy holding me, looking into my eyes, or stroking my face. He never locked eyes with me in that deep, meaningful way that people do when they're in love. Every touch was sexual with him. How many times would his tender touches turn into gropes. That's the problem. He wasn't tender.

 

Often he demanded affection from me. He had this annoying habit of constantly demanding that I kiss him on the cheek. Like constantly. It became a running joke, but I secretly found it annoying. He would make this kissing sound with his lips, look over at me with a mock pout, and keep doing it until I finally kissed him. Then again and again, fifty times in a row. He was never satisfied. It was ridiculous. Or he would make this whimper that meant he wanted a hug. Often he would even do it in public. I used to think it was cute until I realized it was more of a selfish, demanding thing that he couldn't provide in return. I felt like a mother giving candy to a bratty kid. I resented it because he rarely gave me spontaneous physical affection that wasn't sexual (gave me plenty of the sexual variety). I just never felt his love in a tangible way. I saw it in the things he did for me (presents, fixing stuff), but never felt it.

 

This led to me feeling disconnected from him. I never felt we were connecting on a deep level. The sad thing is I don't think he is capable of a truly deep connection with anyone considering that I'm the closest he's ever been to another person.

[Art_Critic]

The funny thing is he didn't seem to visibly care when I told him that I was through. He spent most of the night chuckling over something stupid on his computer. What a dick. Shame on me how many times? I've lost count. I am so done.

 

He knows the reality is that you will be asking him to get back with him in under 2 days.. it is a pattern..

 

He very well may have cared but wasn't willing to show it because you will do the whole " Wash, Rinse and repeat " process as you've done it before.

 

I think you made the RIGHT decision.. but you need to back up those words now...

[shadowplay]

Just read an old email he wrote me six months ago after he had sent his ex a lewd text message and it made me sad.

 

There was no conspiracy, we never met up, we didn’t correspond beyond that email.

 

Why does one 300 character message have to ruin what we’ve been cultivating for months. I do love you very much, and you are my first love. It really hurts to think that a momentary lapse in judgment could everything turn to dust. I thought what we had was (at least slightly) more durable; I wish that it were.

 

If trying to remain friends with my ex makes you uncomfortable, I will sever all E's an my routes of communication (facebook, myspace, ect). I’ll delete her contact info if you want me to. Whatever it takes to redeem things between us is worth it to me.

 

Since he wrote that he has re-added her on facebook and myspace, spoken to her several times on the phone and arranged to hang out with her in person. All the while promising he wouldn't, in one case blatantly lying that he had until I caught him in his lie, and knowing doing so would only hurt me. I wasn't even the one who asked him to delete her from his accounts. He offered to do it to prove to me how much he cared. I told him at the time don't agree to it if you can't keep that promise. Then changed his mind a couple of months later. I also told him that if he arranged to see her again we were through the last time he broke his word to me.

 

I wish he felt about me the way he did back then when he wrote that email, but he clearly doesn't. It's painful to read now.

 

Turns out his ex E called him two weeks ago and asked him if they could hang out. He told her "maybe." Then his friend in NY who he was staying with, whom he's repeatedly bad-mouthed me to and who keeps advising my bf to dump me, asked him how E was doing and said "let's hang out with her. She's awesome." So my boyfriend was like ok. He is so freakin' passive. I know if a girl came on to him there's a good chance he wouldn't be able to turn her down.

 

I'm also pissed off because I really get the sense E was trying to ruin things our relationship. She keeps popping up even when he's told her several times that I'm not comfortable with them being friends. She's always the one to initiate, calling him, emailing or re-adding him on facebook. I have no clue what she's trying to do but she has no respect for our R. I suspect she may be jealous because M revealed to her at one point that he loved me while he never told her he loved her. I really can't stand her -- she seems like a biotch based on thet descriptions he's given me, and I don't know why he keeps ruining things between us to stay in contact with her. Is it really worth it?