discouraged4ever Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 He went into the house again for the 3rd time since his attorney told him not too. This time i had the alarm set. Alarm went off, he was pissd, text me a bunch of ugly stuff like "you are in contempt of orders, you cant show the house if the alarm is on." but i have made appropriate arrangements with the realtor. the alarm was on, to show how much he still thinks this is "his home." he pays the mortgage in replacement of his CS for now under our temp orders and thinks he can come and go as he pleases. Its like he wants the D, but wants to still be in control of my life. Ok. So i ignored all his texts. Then I prayed, and I felt God telling me to send him scripture so I did. I sent him one about when Satan takes Jesus to the mountain and shows him all the kingdoms and there splendor and Satan tells Jesus, I will give you all this, if you will just bow down and worship me. And Jesus says "away satan" God tells us to only worship him. So he says "If I am satan, why wont you release me." I said "I released you to God a long time ago, it is you that is holding on." He said "well then sign the D papers so we can move on" and I told him "I will sign them, when they read, what is in the best interest of OUR children." We went back and forth, but the bottom line is i kept reciting scripture and i feel i spoke to him with out getting angry. I told him it boils down to 2 choices. God or the Devil. I reminded him that this M belongs to God and not to him, and "what God brings together let no man seperate." He tried to pull the one about dont take the speck out of your brothers eye when there is a log in yours, and i told him he was right. That i have had a lot of logs, but i have confessed, asked for forgiveness for the things i did wrong, or took for granted from him and God and have turned myself back to God. That i have tried over these last 8 months and he hasnt. He told me to let the judge decide when we go back to court for temp orders and i told him it didnt matter what the judge decides because the final judge is God and he will have to answer to him. I reminded him that his dtr may one day be hurt in this manner and when she is broken and battered and he tells her that no man should ever hurt her this way, and she tells him, but you did it daddy, that he can deal with it then. Idk. I said other things. and i also re set my boundary. I told him to go then, that God gave us free will that he has made his choice, has left the family and he is no longer a part of us. I told him we have nothing further to discuss unless he is willing to go see our pastor, which i have said before and kept 5 days NC till today's drama. I felt good about it. and I will stand firm in that. I do not want to associate with evil right now. I have too much on my plate. And if he is not willing to consult with out pastor and God about this decision he is embarking on, then there is no point to us even talking. anyone else out there see it this way?
Ronni_W Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 anyone else out there see it this way? I think that any strategy that helps you stay centered and sane and true to your Self is an excellent way to do things. If I was going to quibble, it would be that it sounds like you may have allowed yourself to stay in the "texting drama" even after it had stopped being productive. But it's a minor thing, really. You know that you need a partner with strong religious convictions, and you do have the right to ensure that any future relationship will support that need. It doesn't feel as if you're trying to "force" your beliefs on him, as much as let him know what you need, so that's also a good thing. Stay strong!
SingleDad Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Just like you - I have seen the Satan in my spouse's face on several occassions during my divorce process. That is what often happens during divorce - spouses sometimes get nasty toward each other - like you have never seen before... sometimes any attempt to reconcile at this time will just inflame the fires of Hell. Divorce is the tearing apart of the flesh of two people who were joined together as one in marriage... God hates divorce... Divorce is like death... These are all things I learned in my church's DivorceCare class. Though if your H has made up his mind you cannot do anything right now to change it. It seems like you are using scripture to prove your POV, but it sounds like you are using it for spite rather than for love as it is intended. It seems like you are quite religious... I would use the scripture to give you strength inside yourself - rather than verbalizing it to him in your defense or out of spite. Divorce is a rollercoster ride of emotions, and it seems like you will be on the ride for some time. Realize it. Contain it. The bible says "words are like daggers" - it is not a good idea to use words when your emotions are flaring You may want to back off and try some "No Communication" for a while - till your thoughts and emotions are more level...
Author discouraged4ever Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 I have used the no communication. it doesnt work. i feel it is important to remind him of the things he has thrown away. Sorry, if it sounds like i am using God's word out of spite, i do not feel i am. I feel i am speaking the truth that someone needs to speak to him. He stopped going to church, will not talk or associate with any of our friends. If i dont speak it to him, who will, and maybe it will be too late. I have a responsibility to point out the sin of my brother. I wasnt fighting with him. i didnt feel that way anyway, i think he was fighting with me. but i felt joyful and happy in the end. i just see it real simple. 2 choices. God or the Devil. its that easy. I do not plan to have anymore communication with him, unless he goes and sees the pastor as i have said. someone has got to say something to this man.
SingleDad Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I am not a fan of NC as I think that positive communication is essential to making a relationship work. NC is the route to take when emotions are flaring and the only thing being said are daggers for words. Sometimes though nothing you say will have any impact it may even push him further away. H may just need to space or just to get away to think clearly.
imagine Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 You did just beautifully! Welcome to the war. "For though we live in the world , we do not wage war as the world does." 2 Cor 10:3. Scripture says "Resist the devil and he WILL flee from you" Jam 4:7 . I have been given teaching that explains that the word "Resist" is a continuous action. In other words, this resistance requires effort. Take comfort too, that we shall not be tested beyond our ability!
sumdude Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I had similar conversation with my ex wife... not quite as scripture laden or devout perhaps. When i quote "...let no man tear usunder" her answer was that I was the one who tore it.. even though she is the one that left me wihout warning. Everything is going to be your fault in his mind... he has made his choice and must paint you in the darkest light to keep himself convinced of that choice. He must also convince you as well. It's not likely to change any time soon and anything else you say will simply be turned around on you. The more you preach the more he wil think you are acting "holier than thou".. Though it may not seem to you right now that you're using words in anger.. you certainly are to a point. At lest you are trying to make him feel guilty. Your anger is probably justified, maybe even righteous however it will not help anything. Think of the bigger picture... let him go and be as he chooses, your kids need stability. They need both of their parents to somehow remain parents even if they are no longer man and wife or even friendly. The more you two antagonize each other the harder that will be. One day when the storms of emotions die down how you handle them now will be telling. Be the strong one, be the calm one, be the adult for them. Because you have kids no contact is impossible.. you must keep at the very least a businesslike relationship... as hard as that may be. All conversations are strictly about the children or the sad business of the likely divorce. The past is done, what's done is done.. forgive them for they know not what they do... and that includes yourself.
imagine Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I am not a fan of NC as I think that positive communication is essential to making a relationship work. NC is the route to take when emotions are flaring and the only thing being said are daggers for words. Sometimes though nothing you say will have any impact it may even push him further away. H may just need to space or just to get away to think clearly. I believe that NC is a good thing when a BS is drained. Why engage when you're ratty? I also think that answering to foolishness, is folly. This does not, however, mean that one is exempt from contending that which is right .
Author discouraged4ever Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 thanks for the responses. and to each his own opinion. i know what is in my heart and i know best about our rlshp. i did what i felt called to do by God, not with an angry heart or any intentions of even changing his mind, because i have accpeted that i cannot do that. the only person who can do that is God. Not me. I am not big or powerful enough for that. But i am big enough to speak the truth and for that i will not apologize. i do admit, i have a bit of a trying to "save him" from the destruction he is creating, and with that, i have to constantly remind myself to turn him over. i have an image i use for this. I do finally have a court date and I praise GOD for that. We can finally iron out who is going to live in the home, how much he should be paying because he isnt paying nearly enough. we got his financials, and i about died at how screwed i have been over the last 7 months. i took on a second job, which i should have never had to do. but i believe that the judge will see this and it will be made right. and many of you are right. and believe me i am there. he is going to do what he wants to do. and GOD will provide all of my and my childrens needs. no doubt. in the end, he does have to answer to God, as we all do. i wasnt perfect and made mistakes. i have asked for his forgiveness and Gods forgiveness. his heart is hard and he chooses not to forgive i guess... but that is his choice. in my arrangement i dont really need to have any communication with him nearly at all. He gets extended weekend visits ev other wknd. picks the kids up from daycare fri night and returns them to daycare mon morning. nothing to talk about unless there is an emergency or someone is sick. i take care of all the clothing, diapers and anything else they need at day care. so thats that.
SingleDad Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 God is what keeps you going and give you hope and yes provides your basic necessities. But if your H is Satan - he will do everything he can to take all he can - and if he has a good lawyer and you leave it to God to be fair to you - Satan and his lawyer will win in the short run and leave you with very little. You H will only have to answer to God later in life or the next life. That will not help you now - make sure you have a good lawyer who will protect your and your kids interests and rights.
quankanne Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 God hates divorce... Divorce is like death yes. But only if the marriage is a "true" one in the eyes of God. Catholic-speak, I know, but the Church talks about sacramentality of marriage, and in order for a union to be "valid" (sacramental), it must meet certain points. Meaning both parties enter into the union freely and knowingly, that they intend to honor the goal of giving gift of self to create a true union. when something causes one spouse to change, to derail from that goal, there's grounds to declare the marriage invalid (abuse, cheating spouse who has no intention of changing but leads his/her partner on, spouse who lies about orientation or says that he/she was forced into union – this is the free will thing kicking in, someone who is not emotionally or psychologically prepared to commit to marriage, etc.). At least this is my understanding of as a lay person! so while divorce is a cruel experience, especially for the parties who don't want this change forced upon them, you really need to see it from the perspective of the chain being only as strong as its weakest link. If your partner has an unhealthy idea of what constitutes marriage, how can that be interpreted as "God's will"? God loves us and wants our happiness, and sometimes, we have to think long and hard about discerning whether it's our will that keeps us in a bad relationship because we feel our love is going to change someone to a point where they start acting the way we hope they do, or keeps us in a bad relationship because we're too scared to leave it behind because we're so mentally screwed up in thinking we're not worthy of happiness, or we think it's the best thing to do for our kids & not realize that we're NOT modeling a healthy marriage or love when we stay in a dying or ill marriage. I think this guy says it best: We are not called to love until the love dies, we are not called to stay together until the children are grown, we are not called to stick around only until the sex gets boring or our individuality is repressed: we are called to be a living witness of the love of Christ for His Church and the unbreakable bond between them. – Paul McLachlan, "Sacrament of holy marriage," http://www.catholic-pages.com/marriage/sacrament.asp#sacrament
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