devastatedagain Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Hi everyone - I started dating a woman about 10 months ago and fell in love with her. She has two children, ages 4 and 7. About 5 months ago, I bought a house and asked her and her children move in with me. Our relationship was very good before we moved in together, but now things have changed. The problem is that she lets her children get away with whatever they want and she does not see my point of view. They make a mess of their rooms and the house, so I ask them to clean it up. She then undermines what I ask and says they can do it the next day and not to tell her how to raise her kids. I work long hours and my girlfriend is currently looking for a new job, so she is home all day with the kids. When I get home, I try to talk to her and the kids are constantly interrupting our conversations. She scolds them and they don't listen unless she threatens a smack on the rear. Her children have no real independent interests, so they are constantly clinging to her, asking for things, which she gives into. She says she is happy with how she raises her kids and it isn't my place to say. I try to talk to her and she just gets mad at me, saying that "everything is always about me." By the time I get to see my girlfriend, she is exhausted from her daily activity with the kids and all she wants to do is lay around after I get home. I'm not sure what to do, what to say, or how to deal with this.
flc Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 My 2c Since she is your gf and they are her kids you really have no say in discipling them. If you are unhappy about what is going on discuss it with her. If you can't deal with how the kids are in your home and she doesn't correct it then you have to decide whether the arrangement really works. If you were married then I think you both agree to raise the kids and you need to work together on doing so, neither should undercut the other. How to raise the kids and what/how much discipline to use is one of those things that can make a marriage a challenge.
Krytie TV Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I would argue that he DOES have a say in how she raises her children, as it is his house. If she does not want him to have say, she should have not moved in and just done it her way. OP, tough spot man. This is her reality, and is now yours and will be as long as you're together. Based on what you say, I would not anticipate her being more open to your input on her children even if you were married. If she valued your input, she would be more accepting of your opinion as it is now. I'm really having a hard time understanding the payoff. What you describe is a static personality trait of hers and I have to think it comes through in many facets of your life. To be honest, you sound like a doormat, and as such, probably wouldn't listen to any advice that would suggest that this is not a good relationship to be in, which is precisely what I'm saying to you. Whatever you decide, just remember that if life with her makes you miserable later, you need only look back to the 10-month mark to realize it's your fault because you ignored the obvious.
Shygirl15 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I would argue that he DOES have a say in how she raises her children, as it is his house. If she does not want him to have say, she should have not moved in and just done it her way. He sounds like a loving and very kind man. Agree; he does have a say in how she raises her children, but he should leave the disciplining part to their mother. I know I wouldn't want my boyfriend discipline my child.
Krytie TV Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 He sounds like a loving and very kind man. Agree; he does have a say in how she raises her children, but he should leave the disciplining part to their mother. I know I wouldn't want my boyfriend discipline my child. Even if you lived with him?
Moose Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Proper discipline should be given by ALL adults no matter if their children or not. I make it point to let other parents who allow my kids to stay over-night with their kids know to treat them as if they are their own. I don't care if that means spanking the hind end if need be. In fact, they would offend me if they didn't. Since they are in his house, (even though not married, which I am against anyways) he has a responsiblity to HER kids to train them up into adults.
flc Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 For me living together is not the same commitment as marriage so the situation with the kids cannot be the same. I went through this as I lived with my ex for 2 years before marriage and she had a 2yo son. He was a good kid with no trouble so we never had issues on the discipline front, but I never got involved in child rearing until we got married. It worked out Ok for us and what surprises a lot of folks is my step-son is currently living with me not his mother as is our daughter.
Shygirl15 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Even if you lived with him? Until we establish what role he's going to play in my kid's life, I'm unlikely to move in with a man. And if we DO agree he plays the father-figure role for my child, then of course, he can discipline as much as I do. I know it's tough for him, but being a mother whose son was being disciplined in my OWN house by my BF who was not even staying with us, I would advise him to refrain from it and rather speak to their mother instead.
trubella Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 obviously speaking with the mother didnt get him very far, which is why i would question the longevity of this relationship if she continues to dismiss what you say. doesnt sound like a good living situation. if she was open to what you had to say then it would be different..
Shygirl15 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 OP, do you have kids of your own? You seem to be suprised that a 4 year old is clingy to his/her mother; that's normal. I mean, kids need help getting in the right direction but expecting a 4-year old not to mess up the room, or properly clean the room is kinda ridiculous. I will not speak for the 7-year old as I don't know how grown up kids can be at that age.
trubella Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 i have a 7 year old and you bet he cleans up his toys/ mess in his room after he's done. i dont think the OP is saying he expects them not to make a mess but to clean up after the mess they have made, which is reasonable. kids should learn early on or else your gonna end up with teens later who expect u to clean up everything behind them.
Shygirl15 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Right. I believe in guiding them in the right direction when appropriate, but at the same time allowing them to be what they are; just kids.
Author devastatedagain Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 It all goes far beyond just cleaning up their messes. When we go to a store, they whine if they do not get anything, so she gives in and buys them what they want. If she doesn't give them attention when they want it, even if we are trying to have a discussion, they whine and won't leave her alone until she does. It becomes very hard to maintain any level of adult conversation when you are being interrupted every 20 seconds. I had to argue with her about a standard bed time, as she wanted to keep them up until 11:00 at night. We resolved that and they go to bed at a standard time now, but we still had to argue for that to be accomnplished.....
trubella Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 think i would really ask yourself if this is something you want for the long haul, write a pros/cons list if you have to. but seriously i would think about it. i can maybe see why she would give alot of attention the 4yo but the other kid not so much. usually kids that are a bit older are alot more independent and dont feel the need to be babied, or maybe thats just my kid. i would 1 more talk with her about how this is affecting your R and boundaries that should be made with the kids. if she follows the same pattern after of dismissing what you say the ball is in your court.
flc Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 This still seems like issue between how you think kids should be raised compared to how she sees it. I am firm believer of setting limits and sticking to them and not allowing the kids to rule the roost, but if she doesn't agree it will not matter if she is you gf or wife your going to have a problem. You need to work this out with her.
Shygirl15 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I suggest you leave this situation as it's unlikely to get resolved at this point because she has different opinions on how she raises her kids. I agree on some of the things to be inappropriate such as letting them stay up till 11pm, or whine in supermarkets and she shouldn't give in to such behaviours. She also sounds pretty defensive as far as her kids go, but I can be the same sometimes.
A.G.Doren Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 You might want to try family therapy. The kids bad behavior and increased neediness is probably due in part to your prescence. Also if I moved in with a BF (which I would never do, I would only live with a husband) I would expect and trust him to discipline my children, otherwise I wouldn't live with him.
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