Author lexi29 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 Okay Lexi, The fight you just described. How was it resolved? I would have FLIPPED OUT if my boyfriend said he no longer wanted to marry me and wanted me to get out even if he WAS angry. How did you guys make up? Did you come back? Did he chase after you? How did you resolve things? I think you two need to do some communicating here. This doesn't sound particularly healthy, and chances are these problems are not going to be solved by getting married. Oh, and clearly you are still bothered by his past break up wtih you. Have you addressed this with him? Told him your concerns/fears? Not in an accusatory manner, but just being honest with him about it. My bf and I dated for about a month when we first met then broke up after a really dumb fight. Fast forward about 10 months, we saw each other again and went out on another date and the feelings were still there..as were old wounds. We needed to sort those out before we could progress with our current relationship. You need to resolve your feelings about the past breakup..ESPECIALLY since you are getting married. No he did not come after me. I asked him to help me carry some of my stuff out and I asked him if he really did want to break up. If I would have left he probably would have called me the next day but who knows. I have told him my concerns and fears about the past break up several times. He seems to dismiss my feelings because he tells me he doesn't understand why I think he would want to marry me and be planning the wedding and everything and yet I still think he has plans to leave me. I don't know HOW to resolve my feelings about the past. I should feel secure in the fact that he wants to marry me (and will in a little over a month if i go through with it) but I still feel that this might be some sort of "mistake" and he is going to change his mind at the last minute if something better comes along. I'm fine and can let my guard down when we are getting along and everything is ok but any time something out of the ordinary happens or he seems less interested in me (turned down sex and doesn't want to go on vacation etc) I feel threatened and think he is going to leave me.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 No he did not come after me. I asked him to help me carry some of my stuff out and I asked him if he really did want to break up. If I would have left he probably would have called me the next day but who knows. I have told him my concerns and fears about the past break up several times. He seems to dismiss my feelings because he tells me he doesn't understand why I think he would want to marry me and be planning the wedding and everything and yet I still think he has plans to leave me. I don't know HOW to resolve my feelings about the past. You need to talk about your feelings in premarital counseling. And your Fiance will need to talk to you about them as well. He is right though, why ARE you planning a wedding and know that he wants to marry you, yet still think he is going to leave? Do you feel he really DOESN'T want to marry you, he is just pretending? Or he can't find anyone better? This man has asked you to MARRY HIM. He wants to spend the rest of his life with YOU. That should put your mind at ease right there. You are going to to have a hell of a time in a marriage with this man if you don't resolve this. You need to talk about your fight as well. Why you both got so upset, how you can talk about things before they escalate next time. What did he say when you asked him if he really didn't want to break up? Were you the one who suggested staying together?
Lucky_One Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 What are you going to do about living together after the wedding next month?
Author lexi29 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 You need to talk about your feelings in premarital counseling. And your Fiance will need to talk to you about them as well. He is right though, why ARE you planning a wedding and know that he wants to marry you, yet still think he is going to leave? Do you feel he really DOESN'T want to marry you, he is just pretending? Or he can't find anyone better? This man has asked you to MARRY HIM. He wants to spend the rest of his life with YOU. That should put your mind at ease right there. You are going to to have a hell of a time in a marriage with this man if you don't resolve this. You need to talk about your fight as well. Why you both got so upset, how you can talk about things before they escalate next time. What did he say when you asked him if he really didn't want to break up? Were you the one who suggested staying together? Before I left (he walked out with me at my request and his son followed) I asked him so are we really broken up? Is this what you want? ANd he said, NO I want to be with you, I'm just mad". ANd he hugged me and told me he loved me and so did his son. I called him to let him know I got home (about a half hour later) and he was back to his old self. He was fine like nothing had happened. But I guess I am afraid because I've learned firsthand how easily he can dismiss people. His son and I were very close before he broke up with me last year. He and I were very close, too I thought. I NEVER worried about him leaving me. I thought he'd always be around. Last year I put a lot of effort into our relationship (he was always asking me to spend more time with them and once he got his new apartment I came over every single day) and it seemed like everything was fine and then boom- out of nowhere he basicallly hated me and wanted rid of me. It was all because he'd met his ex (and I knew they were talking and it didn't worry me) and wanted to try to start things with her again. So even though we had all this history and I was practically a 2nd mom to his son, out with the old and in with the new just like that. Now he was only with his ex for 2 weeks before he left her (again easy for him to dismiss people I guess) so it wasn't anything signifigant and actually made our relationship stronger (made us both realize our feelings were deeper than we thought). But it still haunts me a bit.
Author lexi29 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 What are you going to do about living together after the wedding next month? That is a tough one, For now the plans are that I am going to leave all my stuff at my current place and live with with them (fiance and son) after we get married. I will just eat and sleep there and I'll stop at my place every day on my way to work to feed my pets and I'll probably spend some time there (at my current apartment) on weekends. We will do this until we have a hearing for relocation (Oct.) then if it is approved we will try to find a house to rent or buy in the other state. I am thinking of putting an offer in on this house we looked at (in the other state where I work) because it is on a great piece of land in a very nice area but the house needs a lot of work. I can afford it on my own (he can't be on the mortgage because his credit is bad) and if I buy it before we get married if something were to happen, it would be mine.
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