Sassi75 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I'm not sure what made me do it, I think that it was probably hearing that he was going to a bachelor party this Thurs - Sun in Myrtle Beach. I called him. He didn't answer, and I didn't leave a voicemail--so I thought I was ok. But no more than 5 minutes later, he called me. And of course, I answered. God it felt so good to hear his voice. We had some sort of general conversation. Some BS talk, skirting around what I really was wanting to talk about. So I just finally came out with,...Why are you doing this to us? How could you really think that it's best for us to be over? He said that he knows what I want, and expect for my future and that he's unsure that he'd be able to give that to me. He says that he loves me, and has always wanted us to be together, but after 3.5 years of us being together he feels that he should be ready to move us to the next level--and he's not. I asked him if we could get together and talk about things, and just try to figure all of this out and not just walk away and give up--he said that us seeing one another would not change anything,..and that's he's so sorry. Then he said that since he was at work, he had to go but he promised to call me back. He hasn't called back yet. He probably won't. THIS IS KILLING ME.
babes23 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Doesn't seem as if he's going to change his mind hun. Don't beat yourself about calling him, we all have these blips x
confused11 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 It happens...I try to look for excuses all the time to call...legit ones but then I ask myself what will it do for me? Nothing. It's not going to change the situation. If he wants me back it has to come from him and not me prompting him. 9 days NC and counting. The thing is that sometimes, for no real reason, people just realize that it's just not meant to be. He's doing you a favor though. He knows he can't give you what you truly want and deserve so he let you go. He wasn't happy in it. He could've kept stringing you along and got quick fixes behind your back. I think in this situation he was doing it for both of you. He set you free so that when you are ready you can find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and he's trying to make himself happy. If he stayed in for you but was really unhappy on the inside, would you want that? When you love someone, the hardest thing to do is let them go. In a previous relationship, I've been to the place where I begged and pleaded and cried and that got me what I wanted for the moment but it never changed the relationship's core problem...that we just weren't meant to be. Yes I loved him but I knew in my heart it was over. Then when I ended it ( I never thought I would) he begged and pleaded with me and even threw back at me that he stayed so I owed him. It was so tough but at the end you are responsible for your own happiness. As bad as I felt, as much as I wished I still felt the same, I had to walk away. He had never put me first and I knew he never would. Did I always want to be second to something and the answer was no. Sometimes it takes more strength to walk away, than it does to keep working at something that wasn't going to work. Maybe I'm just completely wrong too. Maybe just a little time apart will help. What did he feel wasn't working for him anymore? Was it just the fact that he wasn't ready to take the next step? WHat would be the next step for the relationship?
HopeDiesLast Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Confused11 just about summed up my life. its so much harder to walk away. Sassi- i think you have your answer. you did what you had to do. your answer is what my answer was. and theres no changing that. dont devalue urself by calling and begging and pleading. you didnt do this. you thought your relationship was worth it- he obviously doesnt. or he obviously cant give you what you want. so what are you gonna do, wait for something that will not come? Please understand i am in the EXACT situation you are. to the tee. and its like a dagger to hear hes not going to change his mind. i wish i could tell you how to walk away but as im trying to do the same all i can say is- it F***ING HURTS.
Author Sassi75 Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 confused11 - What prompted this break up was me finding out that he had met someone while on a golfing trip to Myrtle Beach. He said nothing physical happened between them and there's nothing there between them, but behind my back he was talking with her on the phone for about a month before I found out about it. Once I found out, I confronted him about this girl, he denied it at first, but them came clean about it. I wanted us to deal with all of this, and talk about the situation and try to deal with it, but he just said that "You deserve better than me" and totally shut me out of his life. 3.5 years we've been together, and his decision is to just walk away. I don't understand it. I asked him today to be honest and tell me if there was feelings, or anything more with this girl, or any other girl, and he said no. He cried to me on the phone today. He's had so many things go on in his life recently, and he said that he no longer has anyone to talk to, or to share anything with that cares. He was very emotional, but yet still saying that we are better off apart. The next step at this point would be us just trying to work on getting trust back, and communicating better with each other. We would not be ready for anything more than that at this point, and that would be fine with me. I love him, and I would do anything, and work on us for as long as it takes. I don't want to have to give up on him or us. It kills me to even think about that.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 confused11- you said its harder to walk away from something that just wasnt going to work. how do you know that? what if the relationship wasnt totally flawed- just that he wasnt ready for the next step, but you were. how would u know if a little time apart will help? u prolly wont, right? until it happens i guess.
Author Sassi75 Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 Hope - I'm with you,...I don't believe for one second that John & I just were not going to work. Sure we have some issues that need to be worked on, but we've had an amazing 3.5 years together. Today on the phone John said last night he was looking through our photo albums, and remembering all the fun we've had together. I'm not saying that both of us had not made mistakes over these 3.5 years, but we had WAY more good than bad. That's why none of this makes sense to me. For John to say that he cannot guarantee that he'd be able to give me the things that I want for my future,...well I'm not asking for any guarantees. In life there are no guarantees anyway,..there just aren't. I mean, there's no guarantee's that he wouldn't give me all that I want for my future. You know? I am aware of the chances here,...and I am fully willing to take the risk because I know our relationship is worth the risk. But,...he has to feel that way. That's the kicker.....
HopeDiesLast Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I'm telling you Sassi, somehow what Confused11 said in that post up there makes some serious sense to me. It just hit home so bad my heart almost dropped. Its what happened to me at least. and thats my answer. ive just got to let it go now.
Author Sassi75 Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 This is long,...sorry..... I am shocked that John actually did call me back!! We had an extremely emotional conversation. I was crying and he was crying. At certain times I had to ask him to repeat what he was saying because he was crying so much. He told me "I could never say that our relationship has no chance". I asked him if he has taken down all of our photos at his house. He said no, he hadn't. He said that he got upset this morning looking at his bathroom mirror looking at where I had written in lipstick "I love you". I said you had not cleaned that off? He said no I look at it every morning. He said that he thinks about me constantly, and is not sure that us not being together is for the best. He said that he loves me, and misses me so much. He got so emotional,..I was really suprised. He told me so many times that he loves me. I told him that I have no choice but to accept his decision of us not being together, but that in my opinion he was making a huge mistake. He told me that after 3.5 years he feels he should be feeling like he's ready to get married, and he's just not feeling that way. He feels that us staying together would be holding me back from getting married and having kids. He said he gets frustrated with himself that he's not ready for that step yet. I told him that he has expressed to me his feelings, and I understand them--still it does not change the fact that I want to be with him. I told him that I'm willing to take my chances,...now he just has to be willing to. I told him that if we are not together there is a 100% chance we have no future. I'd rather us be together--take the chance--and see what happens. I asked him to look at our relationship like his golfing. I said since you were 7 years old you've been playing golf. Studying golf. You are 34 now, and are still trying to get better. I said you'll never be perfect at golf. You'll have your good days, and your bad days. But you'll never give up the game--because you love it. I said look at us like golf--our relationship will never be perfect, we will have our good times & our bad times, but we can never stop trying to make it better--we can never give up--cause we love each other so much. When we were getting off the phone I told him I didn't want to let him go because I was afraid I would not hear from him again. He promised me that I would hear from him. He told me, "Baby I love you so much, and I truly do miss you". Of course while crying I told him I missed him, and loves him too. Then he said again, I love you, I said I love you too--bye. God--part of this conversation I think was good. Maybe it will make him think more about us. Not that he will change his mind, but at least he did say that he could never say we have "no chance". Oh, and he has not told anyone either--like his parents or his sisters family. None of them know we've broken up. Hmmm,.... I'd love to get some thoughts from you all,.... You've been so helpful!
HopeDiesLast Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Sassi- No idea what to tell u! i just really don't know. Its weird because he SAYS all this, but his ACTIONS havent changed- you're still not together. I think that its great that he called you back, at least he's taking some initiative. but maybe let him take the next step. The ball is now in his court. You've said your part and now its time for silence to be golden!!!! He knows EXACTLY how you feel and he seems so confused. Hes got to find it in himself to be able to do what you need to do. I know sometimes it seems like you'd rather take a chance to stay with him....and thats totally YOUR decision, when and if that opportunity presents itself. But remember that no matter how much you love John...dont compromise what YOU want. If marriage is THAT important to you, can you ever really be happy with someone who can't give that to you? Its a tough question and you may not know right now, but you will know in time. So i guess my advice now is to let him make his choice. You've said your piece. See what happens next ON HIS END. Then you'll know how bad he wants it. By the way- in my thread, Angel1111 and extraordinarymachine gave beautiful advice. but look at confused11 above....also worth printing!! xoxoxoxo
Author Sassi75 Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 John sent me a "goodnite" text last night. It said, "Goodnite! I wish I could be there next 2 u. I miss you & I love you always & 4ever." I sent a reply to him saying, "Goodnite. U could be here snuggled up w/ me. I miss u 2. Even your snoring I miss! I love u w/all my heart." I was shocked that he text me at all. I sort of got upset though because all I could think about was,....YOU COULD BE HERE DARN IT!! I only live 20 minutes from you!! This all may be giving me total false hope here though. I feel like I may setting myself up for yet another fall. At least our relationship is on his mind I guess. I know with him leaving for Myrtle Beach tomorrow with all the guys,....he won't be thinking about me or us. He'll be in bachelor party mode I guess. I hate to even think about that. Especially now that he's single. Makes me feel ill.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 i really would be cautious sassi. it seems weird that he says those things but has not made any change in your status, dont you think?
Author Sassi75 Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 I'm trying to be cautious Hope. I know I goofed by calling him yesterday morning but I just could not take it anymore. At least he called me back twice, and texted me also. I know that does not change the fact that we are broken up though. John's not a bad guy, just a confused guy. Maybe he was just being nice to me? I don't know. To hear him be so emotional about it all just really got to me. Beginning today I'm going back to no contact. Only if he contacts me will I respond. He knows how I feel about him, and what I want. So once again, the ball is in his court. Either he takes some action, or he doesn't and we remain apart.
BackonTrack Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Do not contact him. He doesn't want to be with you right now. Nothing you can do about it. After 3.5 years, its going to take you many months to get over the relationship. The sooner you go NC, the sooner you will heal and be ready to start another relationship. This one has reached its end.
Author Sassi75 Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 BackonTrack - Thanks for your message. I have been doing my best to do no contact, but as you've read I've had my issues with that. I'm going to continue to try me best to maintain no contact. I know it's up to him now if there is going to be any change in our status, or not.
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