OWoman Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Because there are so few of us who stick around with the "good news" outcomes, I thought it would be interesting to post a thread where those of us who ended up with our MMs could share what some of the changes, challenges and some of the rewards have been, for those who are wondering about their own situations. GEL, Lyssa, and any others out there reading: * what have you found to be the biggest challenges in setting up home together after the A, with your MM? * what has changed, if anything, about your R with MM once you set up together as a couple? * what have you found to be the best things about the new phase? * how have you found friends, family, colleagues and others to have responded?
GreenEyedLady Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 * what have you found to be the biggest challenges in setting up home together after the A, with your MM? * what has changed, if anything, about your R with MM once you set up together as a couple? * what have you found to be the best things about the new phase? * how have you found friends, family, colleagues and others to have responded? The biggest challenge, hmmm...I guess the biggest challenge is blending the family together. But, we've been pretty lucky. It hasn't been bad. A little bumpy at first, but pretty smooth sailing now. Not too much has changed. Except that we are like a real married couple now. The best thing is that we are together all the time we can be. Also, going on family vacations and having him take care of me when I need it and taking care of him when he needs it. And the bestest thing is knowing that my partner loves me as much as I love him. The last comment is probably the hardest for me to handle. My friends and family have been great and support us. But they are 100 miles away. I moved to be with him, and his colleagues and friends support us, but I feel like everyone out here who knows him/her either think we won't last or hope we fail. So we'll just have to show them. Overall, we're happier than most couples I know. We went through alot and we both made sacrifices. It's totally worth it. GEL
Author OWoman Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 I didn't answer this myself, so... * what have you found to be the biggest challenges in setting up home together after the A, with your MM? It's been astoundingly easy overall, and felt like an instant family. The biggest challenge for all of us has been not to compare. It's been especially difficult with MM's kids' friends around remarking on the differences, but we have to try to change the subject each time. * what has changed, if anything, about your R with MM once you set up together as a couple? We've become more generous about sharing each other. If I disappear into the kitchen for a long chat with MM's mother, he doesn't feel that he has to come and claim me back from her; if he strolls off to chat with a neighbour, I'm not panting for him on his return. (Well, not too much... ) Because we know we have the rest of our lives together, every day, and we're not on a limited time scale anymore. * what have you found to be the best things about the new phase? The confidence of knowing this is it. And, of course, the full-time permanent on-tap availabilty of the hottest, most passionate and most intimate sex. * how have you found friends, family, colleagues and others to have responded? Well aside from the rolled eyeballs at the frequency with which we disappear into the bedroom and continual sexual punning even his aged parents have fallen into, it's been nothing but warmth and welcoming. Everyone seems genuinely happy that we're finally together, and they're all deeply committed to "making us make it work", and it's felt deeply affirming.
Author OWoman Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 The biggest challenge, hmmm...I guess the biggest challenge is blending the family together. But, we've been pretty lucky. It hasn't been bad. A little bumpy at first, but pretty smooth sailing now. I guess I've been lucky in that regard. I left my kids behind - they're older - and so it's just his that have to make the adjustment. And they're falling over themselves to be welcoming, so it's been really easy. The nice thing is, I think our kids would all get on really well - I was a bit worried about some differences but those seem so small now I'm actually living with them that I really don't think they'd be an issue. Glad it's working now though - families can be such a resource! The last comment is probably the hardest for me to handle. My friends and family have been great and support us. But they are 100 miles away. I moved to be with him, and his colleagues and friends support us, but I feel like everyone out here who knows him/her either think we won't last or hope we fail. That sounds really difficult. You'd think that if they cared about him, they'd want him to be happy. I guess once they see he's in it for the long run, they'll come round. Or fall by the wayside and not matter, either way. Overall, we're happier than most couples I know. We went through alot and we both made sacrifices. It's totally worth it. yes - agreed! The sacrifices really pale next to the pay-off!
GreenEyedLady Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Glad it's working now though - families can be such a resource! That sounds really difficult. You'd think that if they cared about him, they'd want him to be happy. I guess once they see he's in it for the long run, they'll come round. Or fall by the wayside and not matter, either way. Ours are such a mix, that I'm surprised it's been as easy as it has been. My kids also have never lived with any other man except their father, so they had to adjust, too. His friends do want him to be happy and are real supportive. But it's mutual friends (of him and her) and aquaintances that cause me to feel that way. Maybe too because I'm alot younger and they don't really know me. As long as we have each other though, that's what matters. And as long as our family is happy and healthy, what more could anyone want?
mytruelove Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 just wanted to say how refreshing and touching this post is!!! thanks!!!! congrats GEL also
White Flower Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Because we know we have the rest of our lives together, every day, and we're not on a limited time scale anymore. The confidence of knowing this is it. And, of course, the full-time permanent on-tap availabilty of the hottest, most passionate and most intimate sex. congrats to you all! This is the most intriguing part of your post to me because I've gotten to know you pretty well over the last 9 months here at LS. You never believed in monogamy before now. Is it because you hadn't found true love and real intimacy before MM (soon to be D'd) ? Did the infamous Ms OWoman actually lose her heart to someone? You know I tease with love and I am truly happy for you.
girlwithglasses Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 * what have you found to be the biggest challenges in setting up home together after the A, with your MM? Dealing with his ex-wife has been the hardest part. XW was raised in a racist family and all of her racist backwater ignorance came out in full force when she realized we were getting serious (we are not the same race). That was some nasty business. XW harassed and stalked me until I was forced to seek a restraining order. I never quite understood why she went so far off the deep end especially since the reason he left her in the first place was when he discovered she was having an affair with her ex-boyfriend throughout the entire marriage. He started seeing me a year after dday. As far as the children are concerned, their mother actively works to alienate them from their father and me. Initially, I got swept up in the constant temper tantrums (the mother's) but now I ignore it as much as possible. Still, it hasn't been easy. I used to play a much more active role in their life but their mother punished them for it and retaliated by refusing to let my husband see his children. One of the biggest challenges has been being forced to spend thousands and thousands of dollars to enforce the court order for visitation. Every time we take a step forward in our life together (when we got engaged, when we got married, etc...) XW takes us back to court. It's such a complete waste of time and money. * what has changed, if anything, about your R with MM once you set up together as a couple? We are a lot closer than we were before we got married. We were friends first but since then he has evolved into the closest friend I have ever had. I have never shared this intense level of intimacy with another person. * what have you found to be the best things about the new phase? The closeness. The feeling that no matter what life brings he's got my back. I love seeing him first thing in the morning. I love whispering with him late into the night. I love it that he knows every inch of my body so well. I love the way he looks at me. I love it that he knows me so well. He knows how I take my coffee and my favorite flavor of ice cream. He looks out for me. He looks after me. He loves me. One thing I really enjoyed was setting up our beautiful home. It made me feel so close to him to pick things out and decorate our very own home. And I remember the first time I planted my garden I had an overwhelming feeling of contentment and pride in my home and my man. I had all of the feelings a new bride has. I giggled the first time someone called me Mrs. girlwithglasses the day after we got married. I cried tears of joy when he carried me over the threshold when we moved into our new house after the honeymoon. Oh and the wedding itself was just like a fairy tale. It was the single most beautiful moment of my life. Despite everything we've been through, it was worth it. We have a wonderful life together. I wouldn't trade places with anyone else in this world. * how have you found friends, family, colleagues and others to have responded? Everyone has accepted us with open arms. He was in a very bad first marriage and his friends were ecstatic when he finally divorced his ex-wife. I love his mom. We talk on the phone all the time and she's become a very good friend. Most of the mutual friends from the previous marriage have been very good to me. My family adores him and adopted him as their son.
Author OWoman Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 congrats to you all! This is the most intriguing part of your post to me because I've gotten to know you pretty well over the last 9 months here at LS. You never believed in monogamy before now. Is it because you hadn't found true love and real intimacy before MM (soon to be D'd) ? Did the infamous Ms OWoman actually lose her heart to someone? You know I tease with love and I am truly happy for you. Ha! I still don't "believe in" (as in, subscribe to) monogamy, although I have been sexually exclusive for a while now. But it really is just such a thrill to wake up each morning and find MM staring intently into my eyes, his face full of love and wonder, his hand hovering over my cheek to brush the hair from my eyes as he leans in to kiss me. Sorry to sound so smug, it must be pretty irritating for everyone else...
Lyssa Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Came on here a bit too late! GEL, Lyssa, and any others out there reading: * what have you found to be the biggest challenges in setting up home together after the A, with your MM? Oh too many challenges! One of it is that I had to cut down on my shopping . Apparently, I buy too many shoes! Nahh seriously, nothing too big - one of the challenges was when his daughter compared the way I made the sandwiches to how her mother made them . Then I noticed she did the same thing with her grandmother so I didn't feel that bad. Another thing was the part where we had to introduce both families (parents, siblings) to one another. We are from different religion and culture so it was very hard or so we thought. It turned out well now that they all know how serious we are about one another and after all the things we have gone through. * what has changed, if anything, about your R with MM once you set up together as a couple? We are closer more than ever now! We don't argue as much as we did when I was his OW. Currently, we are keeping my father company in my country - he decided to do that seeing that my father lost his W (my mother) and also, I have to get things together from here first before I can start my own business in his country. His decision reminds me of some of the reasons why I fell in love with him . * what have you found to be the best things about the new phase? To actually know the feeling of "this is it, this is what I want"! I've been told many times by my siblings, relatives and friends about that feeling and I never quite understood. Now I can tell others what that feeling is like. I've never lived with a BF/SO before so this is something new and exciting for me. * how have you found friends, family, colleagues and others to have responded? Lol - most of them know about him from the beginning so everyone is very happy for us. What's important is that everyone around us is actually really happy now - more than they were before (xW included).
scaredinlove Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 My challenges are his family who are constant puting pressure on him and his STBXW that refuses to accept that he left. My insecurities are another problem too , I fear that he will change his mind everyday, althought as time goes by I am getting more and more secure. My exH tried to turn my kids against him and my daughter had hard time adjusting to all. But we are trying to adjust to all changes... He is aslo mister "everything had to be spotless and organized". I am clean but not crazy as he is , and with three young kids and pets it is not always possible to have everything spotlesss and ultra orginized.Hopefully ,time will make things easier and eventually his stbxw will move on. Keep my fingers crossed.
Lizzie60 Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 I have to say that that was done over 30 years ago.. * what have you found to be the biggest challenges in setting up home together after the A, with your MM? when he moved with me.. at first, I had to tell him that, from now on, he wasn't living the same life he was used to with his W... no more going out by himself.. no more living like he was 'single" * what has changed, if anything, about your R with MM once you set up together as a couple? OMG .. at first it was amazing.. we became sooo close, for the 18 years we were together.. we were doing almost everything together.. we were ALWAYS together.. gardening, grocery shopping, you name it.. * what have you found to be the best things about the new phase? Wow.. that was a long time ago.. all I remember was the good times we had together, the houses we bought together, the son we had.. etc.. * how have you found friends, family, colleagues and others to have responded? My friends have always been 100% behind me, they both knew about him being my MM.. a lot of people knew about us.. his work colleagues knew, his friends knew.. his family were a little 'cold' at first, but it didn't take long, I was part of the family.. even his daughters accepted me and became very very close to me.. It just went downhill after I had my son.. I changed for some reason.. we grew apart.. I guess.
White Flower Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Ha! I still don't "believe in" (as in, subscribe to) monogamy, although I have been sexually exclusive for a while now. But it really is just such a thrill to wake up each morning and find MM staring intently into my eyes, his face full of love and wonder, his hand hovering over my cheek to brush the hair from my eyes as he leans in to kiss me. Sorry to sound so smug, it must be pretty irritating for everyone else... I'm not so sure it's smug. I think it is possible to become monogamous even when one hasn't believed in it. Perhaps it is like the person who goes to church all their life only to be saved in thier 40s or 50s? I know exMM doesn't believe in M yet he practices it, and does it well to the outside world, every day. Even his W is convinced. I think he even likes it except for the lack of variety. Maybe soon you will become a believer in monogamy? Who knows?
astra77 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 it is definately refreshing to see that this has had a positive outcome for you all, i am so happy for all of you. I guess it comes down to whether or not the MM/MW has the balls to do what they want for a change. But change is very scary for some people and they dont cut the mustard. If only the MM/MW would turn around and say, look, i really like you but i am too scared to end my M, we must stop this A, but that doesnt happen in most cases, and that makes all the difference. Good Luck to you all in your brand new adventures in life !! Oh BTW - OWoman, you are not smug, you are relishing in the love cup you are drinking from, i would too if i were in your shoes You lucky girl
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