CGrace44 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I recently returned from a vacation with my family. The whole time during my trip, my boyfriend and I had been having difficulty talking to each other. We would tell each other what we did during the day and then there would be a long pause before I would finally get sick of wasting cell phone minutes while we said nothing and just listened to each other's breathing. So I would say, "Ok well, I think I'm going to get back to my family now" or "We are getting ready to leave so I really should get going." My boyfriend sent me a text accusing me of being completely "oblivious" to the way I treat him on the phone, as if I was doing something wrong. I asked him to tell me what I was doing to upset him and he said, "Nevermind. Sorry I mentioned it." And then he went into how every time he has to explain to me what I did wrong, I still don't think I did anything wrong and he feels like an idiot for mentioning anything. Basically, I am a really stubborn person and if I don't think that I did anything wrong then I won't apologize. I continued to tell him to tell me what was wrong and he say, "I doesn't even matter. You're going to be home in 2 days anyway." I told him that it mattered to me because just because I'll be closer to him doesn't mean that anything was resolved. Anyways, these little feuds that occurred during my trip also occurred during the last 2 trips when I was away from him. I told him I went horseback riding and he then when he was telling me about his day at work he said, "you know, not everyone can go horseback riding," to emphasize the fact that while I was having fun, he was working. I'm getting sick and tired of these little fights. They put me over the wall to the point where during every flight I take back home, I contemplate how I should break up with him. And I talk to my sister about why the break up needs to happen. Then I get home, and I chicken out because he is not acting that way anymore. Could this behavior be considered a toxic relationship?
Kamille Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I don't think there is enough in your post for me to assess whether or not yours is a toxic relationship. However, there are a few clues as to why you might feel you two are fighting a lot. The first one is that you both seem to be stuck in a pattern of "right and wrong", that is, when there is a conflict, trying to determine who should apologize and who wins the fight. Interactions are usually not that black and white. Or to put it another way, trying to assess blame keeps you from actually hearing each other out - likely because you're afraid you'll "lose" if you give in an inch. But if you are in a relationship, you should put emphasis on understanding each other in spite of being right or wrong. Usually fights start up because of miscommunication and misunderstanding. Maybe your bf was feeling left out and missing you a lot and needed reassurance that you still thought about him throughout the day. He didn't express it this way (who would really?) but his point wasn't to tell you you weren't a good girlfriend - ie, he didn't mean to attack or criticize you. He was just looking for some affirmation of love from your side. Does that make sense?
Ronni_W Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Could this behavior be considered a toxic relationship? Being envious when one's partner is having fun, and not being able to just be happy for someone else's good times and good fortune CAN become a toxic dynamic in any relationship, yes. (It suggests low self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth; and being in relationship with someone who is insecure can be depleting and exhausting.) Having a victim mindset can also kill a relationship. "Poor me has to work, why can't I go on vacation"-type of thinking. (Cognitive behaviour therapy could help.) So can having just one source for fulfillment of all mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs and desires -- which would be the case for him if he feels at a loss and 'bored' when you're away. (Increasing support network and pursuing own interests & hobbies could help.) Above are just some possibilities of potential issues in your relationship. Since he reacts defensively when you try to resolve anything, I'm not sure how you will be able to effectively work together to improve things.
Shygirl15 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 You know, you just reminded me about my ex; a very unpredictable character, moody, self pity, pauses on the phone with nothing than breathing yet gets upset when I want to hang-up, stupid little fights, etc, etc. These may sound like little things but are infact very annoying. It wasn't worth it for me.
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