Is my girlfriend cheating?

[dm123142]

Hi new here, and joined to see if i can get some advice.

 

I have been seeing my partner for 6 years now. We live together but lately this year I've found myself working too much and we've got stuck in a bit of a low.

 

Anyway a few weeks ago she had to go in for an op and had to go down the day before as it was an early call in on the Thursday. Originally they arranged a bed for her in the hospital that got given away so they booked her into a hotel around the corner.

 

She left for London the day before the op in morning and met a friend of hers for the afternoon, nothing wrong with that! But later she met a male friend of hers at about 5pm.

She told me previously she would be meeting him and I trusted her and thought nothing of it, just a coffee she said.

It kind of turned into something more like a date, sitting in a pub in central London in the sunshine for about 3h drinking, then onto a pizza place around the corner from the hotel.

She got back at about 9.30pm.

 

I was a little upset at this as for the last couple of months she's been detached from me emotionally and has been very attentive to her appearance. She's lost weight and has been dressing sexy for the last 3/4 months for work. It was obvious something was wrong.

The days before her previous ops she's been religious about not drinking the night before etc but this time just seemed out of character.

 

When I called her to talk to her about the amount of time she spent with him she was fairly emotionless at the start, which just made me even worse!

 

Anyway, I run a small business and pay for her mobile. Last week I got the bill for July and there have been ALOT of texts to his mobile number (which I discovered by phoning it). Also some calls, some lengthy.

One day there were 25 texts throughout the day.

 

When I asked her about them last week she seemed defensive and couldn't remember the content of the conversations even though she spent an hour on the phone to him talking just two days earlier.

 

She says he's a close friend from her previous job, but looking him up found that he didn't work at her previous job, but for another company.

 

Having asked to see her mobile she's deleted all texts to and from him but kept others from her friends. I felt uncomfortable looking at it so didn't look too close.

 

She says she loves me and only me, denies any affair, and says she is so sorry she has hurt me.

 

My problem is that my trust has been shattered and that I am now questioning every little thing.

 

Am I justified in being paranoid about it? Do you all think she is wrong in what she did? If I can't trust her again there's no future, but I still love her! This is driving me nuts!

[Davey McG]

She is probably cheating on you. There are a few textbook signs.

 

I can't think of any other reasonable explanation. I am sure some other posters will add to this.

[dm123142]

Thanks for the reply, although I have no proof this all seems wrong.

 

The signs that triggered the paranoia were

 

* Working out alot to lose weight - could be for her, could be to attract attention

* Dressing sexy for months

* Suggesting I see my friends more (most of them are quite far away)

* Suggesting I go on holiday (!?)

* Suddenly becoming interested in music she's never shown interest in before

* Being distant emotionally (and sexually for a while, then being kind of selfish), though she's been making the effort for the last few weeks.

* The number of texts/calls over the last month (careless though on a line I can see calls for!).

* A very very subtle change in sexual routine - could just be down to paranoia.

* The meeting with this guy - to me this was just wrong!

* The contact with him when she attended a funeral, when she was very distant with me. I put it down to bereavement until the phone logs...

 

She said when I asked about all this that subconsciously she wanted to get my attention.

She's done that, but before I knew about the phone I have made a real effort to fix the working hours etc (I worked from home alot in the evening).

 

I've given her 'an out' and said that cheating hurts EVERYONE involved, but she's adamant she wants to stay with me. Trouble is she showed signs of emotional attention elsewhere, she could do it again and again.

 

I know I've not been as attentive as I should, but I explained to her that things were busy etc. Surely talking about it with me is better than texting/calling/meeting another man?

[Davey McG]

I've given her 'an out' and said that cheating hurts EVERYONE involved, but she's adamant she wants to stay with me. Trouble is she showed signs of emotional attention elsewhere, she could do it again and again.

 

I know I've not been as attentive as I should, but I explained to her that things were busy etc. Surely talking about it with me is better than texting/calling/meeting another man?

 

You're absolutely right, but it doesn't change anything. Look at these links. All from different sources:

 

http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_60/65b_dating_list.html

 

http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/28_dating_list.html

http://www.merchantcircle.com/blogs/American.Protective.Agency.Inc..937-371-2530/2006/9/TOP-TEN-SIGNS-OF-A-CHEATING-MATE/2419

 

There are plenty more of these types of list if you do a search for it

[Bryanp]

I am sorry for you. These are classic signs of cheating. It seems pretty obvious that she is doing this. She apparently also has no problem lying to your face about it since she has been lying about other things to you as well.

 

You are not married and do not have children. I think you should seriously consider moving on. I would suggest that you need to be tested for STD's. You may wish to consider a polygraph but again it seems quite obvious about what is going on.

 

The comments that she made about getting your attention is bull. She is what ever cheating partner does and that is trying to put a positive spin on it and make it your fault.

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have put up with such disrespect and obvious lying from you? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She is lying and cheating behind your back and shows no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.

[theobserver]

DM are you reading this . I hope you are. The signs are so blatantly in your face that I'm crying inside for you mate. Look once you mentioned the texts and the calls I already knew where this was going.

 

It's funny how prepaid cell phones are always being paid for by the cheated partner it's almost like a blessing in disguise. The list you provided of the things she said are not normal as I'm sure you know go on holiday... see some friends... yeah so she can have more time to do the nasty with the other man.

 

Look we've all seen these signs and she's shown nothing to prove this is all one HUGE misunderstanding she's being cold, calculating and cunning this woman is taking you for a ride and I know you must love her deep down but you know what to do. A woman like this is toxic and you need to MAN the f*** up right now.

 

End it today. Throw her a$$ to the curb she is not forgiveness material she's in so deep she's already twisting blame to you. Please mate for your own sanity and to start fresh while you still can before you get her knocked up or you get married you need to end this now. Call her up and tell her it's over and to pack her sh*t . Unless you're both sharing then try to sort something out and get her out or you move to a friends/family.

 

Just trust most of the comments here there is no doubt she is cheating on you, if not physical definently emotional and looking for the right time to make it physical by getting you out of the way. Don't be a fool.

 

Good Luck, TELL HER TODAY.

 

Make sure you cancel any payments your doing for her, phone bills and other, she can pay her own stuff now don't aid her cheating the other man can handle that now.

[dm123142]

Thanks for the reply observer. If one of my friends said these to me I would probably say the same thing.

 

I didn't mention that a couple of months ago we were talking about marriage and everything seemed bliss.

 

Anyway, money's a bit tight at the moment but I didn't want to buy a cheap ring so I've been saving for a decent one...

 

When I called her at her hotel couple of weeks back she said she felt bitter about the fact its taken me 6y to get around to it! I've been through a failed marriage before. I ended it as it was going nowhere - its taken time for me to think of marriage again especially as we both seemed happy as things were.

 

I think I've always been loving, affectionate and attentive except maybe at the start of this year - work (at home until late).

 

This is a nightmare... I don't want to lose her but am confused. 50% of me wants to keep it going 50% of me wants out.

 

Does sound like I already have lost her though...

[dm123142]

The comments that she made about getting your attention is bull. She is what ever cheating partner does and that is trying to put a positive spin on it and make it your fault.

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have put up with such disrespect and obvious lying from you? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes.

 

Thanks for the reply bryanp - that's how I feel - all my fault... I asked how she would feel and she said 'she would feel like ****'. Still didn't open up about the texts/calls though.

[Krytie TV]

There are many phone carriers (don't know diddly about England, but you never know) that will allow you to arrange online to have texts copied to your account folder or something. This allows you to, online, see the content of all texts sent from your numbers. Kinda sneaky, but if you're footing the bill it's way within your right.

[dm123142]

There are many phone carriers (don't know diddly about England, but you never know) that will allow you to arrange online to have texts copied to your account folder or something. This allows you to, online, see the content of all texts sent from your numbers. Kinda sneaky, but if you're footing the bill it's way within your right.

 

Wish I could! They do for personal ones but as its on a business tarif they don't even have an online facility.

[dazed.1]

I haven't read any other replies but here is MO....25 texts in one day is a lot. My bf and I are long distance and we text all day to each other, and I don't think we've ever reached 25!

 

How long has there communication been going on? Just July? Does that coincide with the time she started paying more attention to her physical appearance? If so, I would say all the warning signs are there, especially if she got really defensive when you asked about it. But on the other hand, she was honest with you about that night, and she has apologized. I think you are right to be concerned but don't jump the gun or anything. Try payiing more attention to her, try being more intimate and building your relationship. If she wants nothing to do with that, I would be very concerned.

[dazed.1]

Thanks for the reply, although I have no proof this all seems wrong.

 

The signs that triggered the paranoia were

 

* Working out alot to lose weight - could be for her, could be to attract attention

* Dressing sexy for months

* Suggesting I see my friends more (most of them are quite far away)

* Suggesting I go on holiday (!?)

* Suddenly becoming interested in music she's never shown interest in before

* Being distant emotionally (and sexually for a while, then being kind of selfish), though she's been making the effort for the last few weeks.

* The number of texts/calls over the last month (careless though on a line I can see calls for!).

* A very very subtle change in sexual routine - could just be down to paranoia.

* The meeting with this guy - to me this was just wrong!

* The contact with him when she attended a funeral, when she was very distant with me. I put it down to bereavement until the phone logs...

 

She said when I asked about all this that subconsciously she wanted to get my attention.

She's done that, but before I knew about the phone I have made a real effort to fix the working hours etc (I worked from home alot in the evening).

 

I've given her 'an out' and said that cheating hurts EVERYONE involved, but she's adamant she wants to stay with me. Trouble is she showed signs of emotional attention elsewhere, she could do it again and again.

 

I know I've not been as attentive as I should, but I explained to her that things were busy etc. Surely talking about it with me is better than texting/calling/meeting another man?

 

WOW I didn't read this before I posted...I think you have your answer.

[orangesean]

Yeah, I don't even think you should give her the benefit of the doubt... there are nothing but the signs I read in every post about cheating. You were pretty keen on catching them.

 

I guess there could be a small chance all of this is innocent and she is not cheating at all, but the chance she is cheating majorly outweighs.

 

I suggest you just dump her, tell her exactly why, that she's obviously cheating and that the relationship needed work and she took the wrong way out. If she tries to say she's not cheating and that you are nuts... etc. etc. I think you take a stand and say she has to completely prove nothing has happened, whether it's handing over her passwords or showing you all the texts she has on her phone (assuming they are saved).

 

I'd move on though, she obviously doesn't care and is blame shifting.

[Bryanp]

Please do not even think about marrying her unless you want a second failed marriage on your hands. What you have seen now is a woman who gets upset with you and will seek out attention from another man and spend time, energy and most likely sex with him while lying to you about it behind your back. If she does this to you now what do you think will happen when she gets upset with you down the road after you are married? Don't be a fool.

 

You just saw a glimpse of your future. If you marry her then you will deserve what will happen to you. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to realize that she has a broken moral compass. Stop wasting your time. She will only hurt you badly and financially in the end and I think deep down you know this also.

[corwin]

Here's my suggestion. Bluff her. Since you are paying the cell bills, tell her you spoke with your cell provider and they will be forwarding you the content of the text messages for the past 6 months by tomorrow. Then tell her that if everything checks out OK, you're faith and trust in her will be restored. Otherwise, If she has anything to say, say it now before you receive the texts.

 

 

Watch her reaction... I'm sure you'll see panic in her eyes.

[nopainnogain]

Do what corwin says. Plus ditch her. I was in the same situation. Same signs and everything. Trust me. Leave her!

[verve]

I've been in a very similar situation as you and it turned out she had cheated.

 

You've got to look at things logically, you know it doesn't add up what she's telling you. I assume she is like my ex, very good at manipulating the facts and talking you around. Don't let her, just stick to your guns and look at things with a clear head. Don't let your emotions get the better of you because you don't deserve to be treated like this.

 

I think it would be best for you to split with her as soon as possible. If you chose to forgive her she will hurt you again in the future and there is no point prolonging the relationship just to prolong the hurt.

 

Good luck with things.

[Grrlish]

DM:

 

One thing that I picked up on was this:

 

 

When I called her at her hotel couple of weeks back she said she felt bitter about the fact its taken me 6y to get around to it!

 

Having been in those shoes before, myself, and having read your OP, consider...perhaps she's not 'gone', not exactly cheating (I'll get to that), but she may be teetering on the edge of the slippery slope.

 

This is a nightmare... I don't want to lose her but am confused. 50% of me wants to keep it going 50% of me wants out.

 

Does sound like I already have lost her though...

 

Aside from the current situation, you need to figure out if you want to save this relationship. It doesn't take six years to 'save up' for a decent ring. (Okay, people, let's not turn this into a discussion of the meaningfulness of a ring.) You save faster or you buy on payment. Or you get a pretty but smaller ring and buy a 'better' one in a couple of years.

 

I know of what I speak/write. I dated a guy for 8 1/2 years. It took me moving out of town for him to come around and propose to me after 8 years. It hurt. I was bitter. I spent my entire 20s listening to him make excuses. I wound up saying no.

 

Again, it doesn't take six years to buy an engagement ring if you love someone and want to marry them. It's time for you to consider your commitment issues, regardless of what they are founded on (previous marriage). It sounds as if she's the one who is ready to jump ship.

 

IF you love her and want to marry her, consider that, yes, she has acted inappropriately by texting and talking to another man to this extent. She may even be considering doing something really wrong. But I have to disagree that her actions prove that she is sleeping with this guy.

 

I'm hitting the gym hard and have gotten a handle on my food intake because I have been lazy lately, don't feel right in my bikini, and I want to look good for my boyfriend. I've also been buying a few nice things to wear to perk up my wardrobe. Also, losing weight sort of requires you to buy a few new things. Going on a crash 'diet' and buying some new clothes doesn't always mean something, or anything.

 

It sounds as if you two have gotten off-track, and that your slow pace in committing to the relationship by proposing has hurt her. And it is likely that she came to the conclusion that you were never going to commit so perhaps she's starting to take steps to distance herself; some without really realizing it.

 

Also, my boyfriend did some stupid things over the last few months, about which I posted elsewhere here. He was texting and talking to an ex-girlfriend of his waaay too much for waaay too long. He was working too much and otherwise staying away from home (we live together) too much. He works with a lot of women and he was hanging out with them just a little too much for comfort, considering the other things that were going on. He was absolutely 'misbehaving'.

 

Were we on the verge of parting ways. Definitely. Was he seriously thinking about cheating on me? Probably. Did he cheat on me? As in, sleep with someone else or go on a date with someone else? I don't think so but you know what? I may never know. I did what I could to find out, and I am still working on not wondering but I don't think so.

 

I still love him, and when we decided to stay together and work through things, I had to choose to forgive him for his stupidity, er, actions. I'm still working on letting some of it go but I do so within myself because I chose to forgive him. Of course, if he'd gone out with someone else or slept with someone else, it would have been a totally different story.

 

So, consider what it is that you want with this woman. If it's not a future, then let her go and don't beat her up about it. She is possibly behaving inappropriately, not necessarily cheating on you, but six years is a long time to wait for someone and she probably figured you were never going to come around.

 

If you DO want to be with this woman, then truly figure out if you really think that she has gone 'too far'. I'm sure members here will try to define 'too far' for you but only YOU can do that for you. If she's NOT gone too far, then get on with fixing things up between the two of you.

[mental_traveller]

She's cheating, absolutely no doubt about it. No need to question her or verify anything, just dump that ho immediately.

[SoleMate]

Very high likelihood of cheating, I'm sorry to say. From a woman's perspective, it is a dead certainty that she is waffling on your r/s. Somehow, deep down, I think you know that. :-(

[dm123142]

Thank everyone one of you for your thoughts...

 

Since I love her so much I decided to give the r/s some time to really evaluate it and see if it can be saved. I'm afraid my instincts tell me that even if an affair hasn't developed it would have and that her desires lie elsewhere.

I suppose rather than speculation solid proof is what I need before I consign the last 6-7 years of my life to the scrapheap.

Its looking bleak but it might work out, or give me time to realise I'm probably better off without her.

 

To grrlish - the one poster with a ray of light - I wasn't saving for a ring for 6 years, we'd only talked of marriage over the last year.

We'd talked about it before but decided that things were fine as they were.

The bitterness thing came out recently. If its true then how am I supposed to go through this worrying about whether she will seek the attentions of another man if I screw up or if things get tough?

Believe me I love this woman and would do anything to save our relationship, but I can only be 50% of the deal. She's got to be the other 50%.

I just wish she'd be honest with herself as well as with me. I can't help that feel she's in some kind of denial at the moment, but I'm willing to wait and see for the foreseeable future to be sure one way or the other.

There's always more to these kind of posts than can be written in a forum thread, some positive, some negative, but in the end the truth always comes out.

I thank you all for your posts, and will keep you up to date. If the outcome is good or bad maybe it will form part of this forum and be something useful to others...

[Grrlish]

Thank everyone one of you for your thoughts...

 

Since I love her so much I decided to give the r/s some time to really evaluate it and see if it can be saved. I'm afraid my instincts tell me that even if an affair hasn't developed it would have and that her desires lie elsewhere.

I suppose rather than speculation solid proof is what I need before I consign the last 6-7 years of my life to the scrapheap.

Its looking bleak but it might work out, or give me time to realise I'm probably better off without her.

 

To grrlish - the one poster with a ray of light - I wasn't saving for a ring for 6 years, we'd only talked of marriage over the last year.

We'd talked about it before but decided that things were fine as they were.

The bitterness thing came out recently. If its true then how am I supposed to go through this worrying about whether she will seek the attentions of another man if I screw up or if things get tough?

Believe me I love this woman and would do anything to save our relationship, but I can only be 50% of the deal. She's got to be the other 50%.

I just wish she'd be honest with herself as well as with me. I can't help that feel she's in some kind of denial at the moment, but I'm willing to wait and see for the foreseeable future to be sure one way or the other.

There's always more to these kind of posts than can be written in a forum thread, some positive, some negative, but in the end the truth always comes out.

I thank you all for your posts, and will keep you up to date. If the outcome is good or bad maybe it will form part of this forum and be something useful to others...

 

 

DM: Yours is certainly a long-term relationship. LT relationships have their ups and downs, and sometimes the downs are low. As my boyfriend says, it's rarely 50/50, but I certainly know what you're saying and I agree with the intent of your words.

 

But if you love her, extend yourself to her. Put in more than 50%, and mean it.

 

If things don't work out, you will always know that you put out the real effort to repair things.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

 

P.S. - I wish my boyfriend would get a clue how far a little effort would go, before I leave him.

[dm123142]

Thanks again to all that read and replied.

 

We're going on holiday/vacation tomorrow - the whole r/s has been so much better. I've adjusted my worklife, she's become alot more attached and closer to me. We've had sex every day and night for the last 2 weeks.

 

Unfortunately I'm like a hawk watching for the slightest wrong move, I still can't get how she was/what she did out of my mind.

 

It sucks but I am not prepared to just discard 7 years of what was a great relationship for 6 of them lightly.

 

She's still a little secretive with her phone for my liking but I've always got the 'I can get the text content and find out who phoned you when' (thanks to previous poster) card to play. Which is true as I used to work at my cell provider and know what they keep/don't keep and old friends there will look it up...

 

That guy she met - turned out he was actually contracting to her co so that checked out ok. But the texting and meeting him when I was feeling like **** was just deeply wrong. Still confused, but maybe a week on the beach will clear my mind...

 

9 out of 10 things are kind of checking out. Either she's just got cleverer or things are settling down... Whatever happens we'll both come through better people...