Why cant I see this and move on??

[TP1969]

Okay this might be a long one but here goes. I have been married for 14 years and have 4 young children. About 4 years ago my wife started telling me that she loved me but just wasnt in love with me anymore. Two years ago we went on a family holiday back to our home town and she dumped me and did her own thing and I suspected she cheated on me which I later found out was true.

 

We moved on from that and ended up moving back to our home town to live a few years later. We were only here a few months and things went from bad to worse. I found an email she wrote to a friend saying that she is only with me for the money and that if she could afford it she would leave me. She also wrote that I just wont let go and leave and move on. When I questioned her she said she only wrote that cause we had a fight and she was mad.

We ended up finally splitting up back in April. She moved to her brothers with the kids and I ended up moving out and letting her have the house back. But this is where the main problems have started.

 

After about 2 months she thought that I had met someone else and so told me that she realised that she did love me but just needed time. We went to the movies and I brought her a plane ticket to go and see a dying friend interstate. I stayed at her house and looked after the kids while she was gone. We had sex the night before she left and when she came back. The next night after she got back she went out to a friends house for drinks but said I couldnt go because they didnt like me because of things I did when we split. (Nothing major just the usual crap and arguments). Then after a day or two she started getting nasty and would talk to me like crap and we ended up having a fight. Originally when we split up I let her keep the car but I still have to pay all of our debts including the car loan. I told her that she could get a loan to buy it off me or I would take it and gave her 3 months to decide whilst I still paid the car loan.

The day she wanted me to go back I asked her what about the car and she cracked it and threw the keys at me. I was going to leave it in the driveway and go to work and hide the keys and let her have them once she had calmed down and stoppped being nasty to me. But she told me to get the car out of her driveway so I parked it up the road. She drew all over it in lipstick calling me names etc.

 

For the next week we didnt talk and fought over the phone on and off. I called her a user and said she was happy to have me there when I was looking after the kids and giving her money for the holdiay etc and as soon as she came back didnt want to know me.

Eventually she calmed down and we made up and I said that I would give her the car back. She had a friends car for two weeks so I told her I would keep the car for now and get it serviced etc. For that two week period I spent almost everyday at her house and we had sex 4 nights in a row.

Then when she finally did get the car back on Sunday the next day she didnt want me staying anymore and said once again that I was smothering her and pushing her and she wanted to take it slowly.

M family and friends keep telling me that she is just using me and only seems to want me around when she is low on money. She told me that her friends and family hate me so I couldnt go to a restuarant for dinner one night and Ive since found out that her friends dont hate me or her family and they cant understand why she keeps saying they do other than so she doesnt have to bring me along.

On Saturday just gone she had no money so I paid for food and drinks as she was having a friend around. Then on Sunday I paid for dinner and lunch for her and the kids and ended up staying the night and we cuddled all night. Come Monday she got her centrelink payment and I phoned her and asked if I could come over for dinner that night to talk to the girls and see how their school snow trip had gone and she said she didnt have enough food and that it puts the kids routine out because they stay up too late. I then asked if I could pick the girls up from school when the bus got in so I could at least talk to them about the trip and she said okay. When I got to her house she ended up serving me some dinner but wasn't very nice to me and hardly said a word. Before I left I had it out with her and asked why she was treating me like crap and she cracked it with me again and told me to get out. I could just tell that she didnt want me there. She used the excuse once again that I was smothering her.

 

This sort of thing happens all the time she is nasty to me when she has money and then when shes broke is nice to me and lets me stay the night etc. She never really asks for money but hints that she cant afford this or has no money for this and no money for that so I offer to pay for things. She makes out that she does want to get back with me but needs tto take things slowly but then is only willing to see me when it suits her and like I said doesnt ever want me going out anywhere with her to family or friends. They all know I stay with her but she still doesnt want me going and says its becasue they dont like me which I know is crap.

 

Why is it that I cant see that she is using me? Its driving my mum and sister crazy as they tell me shes a user and I should stop giving her everything. I do absolutely everything for her and wait on her hand and foot. When I am there I do all her house work and chores do washing wash the dishes bath the kids rub her feet and give her nice foot massages while she watches tv everything and get absolutely nothing in return.Every morning If Ive stayed the night I go and get her a nice coffee and drop it back to her before I go to work and am always buying her flowers.

But get nothing back.

She uses emotional blackmail and says things like "Your only hurting the kids if you dont pay for this or pay for that." I pay her more than I should in child support and gave her 90% of our assets and ended up with 100% of our credit card bills and loans. But she expects me to keep paying the car loan and running costs so she can drive around in it.

 

I just cant seem to move on and stop being treated like this and its driving me and my family insane as they have had a gut full of it.

 

Any advice would be appreiated.

 

Thanks for reading.

[saams]

You probably cant let go becourse you still love her or your attached to her after that long time together, and imo it's not a problem spending time with her and the kids but dont give her any money, dont pay her bills and dont clean her house, just be there for them if they really need it, emotionally, not with your money.

 

i think if you stop showing her how much you care and stop paying everything she is gonna miss you and miss your money and maybe she will take you back but i really think you should move on and get her out of your life..

 

i mean you should still talk to her and the kids and be around from time to time but she is using you and you have to consider the situation, even if she takes you back is it really worth being together with her after this ?

move on with your life and find someone else...

[tinke]

Does she work and earn an income? If not, why not?

I must say, writing on the car with lipstick is truly immature and disrespectful. I would have a hard time coming around after that. It was a public display to humiliate you, although, it said much more about HER lack of character!

 

Reading this, it seems the car, money,etc. are the effects, not the cause. There must be something pushing this unkind behavior....entitlement?

If you continue to meet all those needs regardless of her actions, what message do you send? May be time to take care of YOU and set some limits. She is most likely acting this way and demanding things, quite simply...because she can!

 

Have you considered couples counseling?

What are you getting out of this relationship? Is is familiarity or fulfillment?

[hot123]

Okay this might be a long one but here goes. I have been married for 14 years and have 4 young children. About 4 years ago my wife started telling me that she loved me but just wasnt in love with me anymore. Two years ago we went on a family holiday back to our home town and she dumped me and did her own thing and I suspected she cheated on me which I later found out was true.

 

We moved on from that and ended up moving back to our home town to live a few years later. We were only here a few months and things went from bad to worse. I found an email she wrote to a friend saying that she is only with me for the money and that if she could afford it she would leave me. She also wrote that I just wont let go and leave and move on. When I questioned her she said she only wrote that cause we had a fight and she was mad.

We ended up finally splitting up back in April. She moved to her brothers with the kids and I ended up moving out and letting her have the house back. But this is where the main problems have started.

 

After about 2 months she thought that I had met someone else and so told me that she realised that she did love me but just needed time. We went to the movies and I brought her a plane ticket to go and see a dying friend interstate. I stayed at her house and looked after the kids while she was gone. We had sex the night before she left and when she came back. The next night after she got back she went out to a friends house for drinks but said I couldnt go because they didnt like me because of things I did when we split. (Nothing major just the usual crap and arguments). Then after a day or two she started getting nasty and would talk to me like crap and we ended up having a fight. Originally when we split up I let her keep the car but I still have to pay all of our debts including the car loan. I told her that she could get a loan to buy it off me or I would take it and gave her 3 months to decide whilst I still paid the car loan.

The day she wanted me to go back I asked her what about the car and she cracked it and threw the keys at me. I was going to leave it in the driveway and go to work and hide the keys and let her have them once she had calmed down and stoppped being nasty to me. But she told me to get the car out of her driveway so I parked it up the road. She drew all over it in lipstick calling me names etc.

 

For the next week we didnt talk and fought over the phone on and off. I called her a user and said she was happy to have me there when I was looking after the kids and giving her money for the holdiay etc and as soon as she came back didnt want to know me.

Eventually she calmed down and we made up and I said that I would give her the car back. She had a friends car for two weeks so I told her I would keep the car for now and get it serviced etc. For that two week period I spent almost everyday at her house and we had sex 4 nights in a row.

Then when she finally did get the car back on Sunday the next day she didnt want me staying anymore and said once again that I was smothering her and pushing her and she wanted to take it slowly.

M family and friends keep telling me that she is just using me and only seems to want me around when she is low on money. She told me that her friends and family hate me so I couldnt go to a restuarant for dinner one night and Ive since found out that her friends dont hate me or her family and they cant understand why she keeps saying they do other than so she doesnt have to bring me along.

On Saturday just gone she had no money so I paid for food and drinks as she was having a friend around. Then on Sunday I paid for dinner and lunch for her and the kids and ended up staying the night and we cuddled all night. Come Monday she got her centrelink payment and I phoned her and asked if I could come over for dinner that night to talk to the girls and see how their school snow trip had gone and she said she didnt have enough food and that it puts the kids routine out because they stay up too late. I then asked if I could pick the girls up from school when the bus got in so I could at least talk to them about the trip and she said okay. When I got to her house she ended up serving me some dinner but wasn't very nice to me and hardly said a word. Before I left I had it out with her and asked why she was treating me like crap and she cracked it with me again and told me to get out. I could just tell that she didnt want me there. She used the excuse once again that I was smothering her.

 

This sort of thing happens all the time she is nasty to me when she has money and then when shes broke is nice to me and lets me stay the night etc. She never really asks for money but hints that she cant afford this or has no money for this and no money for that so I offer to pay for things. She makes out that she does want to get back with me but needs tto take things slowly but then is only willing to see me when it suits her and like I said doesnt ever want me going out anywhere with her to family or friends. They all know I stay with her but she still doesnt want me going and says its becasue they dont like me which I know is crap.

 

Why is it that I cant see that she is using me? Its driving my mum and sister crazy as they tell me shes a user and I should stop giving her everything. I do absolutely everything for her and wait on her hand and foot. When I am there I do all her house work and chores do washing wash the dishes bath the kids rub her feet and give her nice foot massages while she watches tv everything and get absolutely nothing in return.Every morning If Ive stayed the night I go and get her a nice coffee and drop it back to her before I go to work and am always buying her flowers.

But get nothing back.

She uses emotional blackmail and says things like "Your only hurting the kids if you dont pay for this or pay for that." I pay her more than I should in child support and gave her 90% of our assets and ended up with 100% of our credit card bills and loans. But she expects me to keep paying the car loan and running costs so she can drive around in it.

 

I just cant seem to move on and stop being treated like this and its driving me and my family insane as they have had a gut full of it.

 

Any advice would be appreiated.

 

Thanks for reading.

If I were you I wouldnt give her one more dime (outside of child support)she sounds like an absolute nightmare and you sound very sweet but you have to know when being sweet crosses the line into being a doormat...

[Nikki Sahagin]

She sounds like a real Jekyll and Hyde character. It may be hard for you to cut all ties if you love her, have children with her and obviously have been with her for so long but her behaviour sounds very erratic, unusual and even in my opinion makes her sound somewhat mentally ill. Be there for her and the kids but do not continue to give any more money. Has she no money of her own? If not she should really get a job. She cannot be entirely dependent on you for money; it is the 21st century after all. It seems that deep down you KNOW she is using you. There is a lot of evidence to support this such as the email she sent to her friend. The fact that you know this deep down but still can't move on makes me feel that perhaps it's not just sunk in. The good moments between the two of you are your little rewards in the chaos and carnage of your relationship so when these special moments occur, it eradicates all doubt in your mind. You do not deserve this kind of treatment but it is difficult when you have such a history with this woman.

[TP1969]

Thanks heaps for the replys. Nikki you are right meand some of my family/friends thinks she may have Bipolar or similar. Ive told her this but she wont listen. She thinks Im the one with Bipolar. She doesnt work and when I mention that she should get a job she starts telling me its none of my business why she doesnt work. She uses the excuse she has no confidence to get a job but thats no excuse. Australian law says that when our youngest turns 6 in October she will have to work a certain amount of hours per week anyway.

She expects me to pay for just about everything, she is laways telling the kids to ask me to buy them new clothes runners etc or pay for school camps and excursions. I pay for some and do buy them clothes when needed but I pay way more than what most ex partners would pay and she expects it.

I might add that she still gets her nails done goes to aerobics 3 times per week buys herself clothes and manages to get drunk with her friends drinking large amounts of wine once or twice a week and doesnt go without these luxurys in life.

I know its over, If she did love me even a little bit she would want me around and would want to spend time with me and take me out when she goes to friends houses etc.

But I just dont know how to let go. Nikki your correct when you say the times thigs are good it eradicates all doubt in my mind. On Sunday night she was nice to me and let me stay and we cuddled all night. In the morning I went to work (After going and buying her a coffee) and she gave me a kiss. That night she didnt want to know me.

Tinke in answer to your question I get familiarality from this relationship and not much else. I want to be at her house Saturday night with her and the kids watching dvds etc, not sitting alone at home at my mums house.

[tinke]

Yes, you want to be at her house with the kids watching DVDs instead of your mom's....BUT, wouldn't it be nice to spend that time with someone who wants to share it with you too?

 

Sounds to me as she is a manipulator and knows just how to reel you in until she gets what she wants. The world is all about her needs. I would bet if she were with someone else, the same scenario would repeat itself.

[norajane]

Why is it that I cant see that she is using me? Its driving my mum and sister crazy as they tell me shes a user and I should stop giving her everything. I do absolutely everything for her and wait on her hand and foot. When I am there I do all her house work and chores do washing wash the dishes bath the kids rub her feet and give her nice foot massages while she watches tv everything and get absolutely nothing in return.Every morning If Ive stayed the night I go and get her a nice coffee and drop it back to her before I go to work and am always buying her flowers.

But get nothing back.

 

Why do you do all that stuff for her? Are you trying to get her back? Or did you always do all that stuff for her?

 

I think I know how she feels, running hot and cold on you. I once felt that way about a guy I was engaged to and living with. I had started to fall out of love with him, and eventually everything he did annoyed me, even when he was being super-nice. Yet, I had loved him very much for a long time, so sometimes I would be struck by a moment when my affection for him returned, briefly, and always followed with me feeling angry and hostile toward him again.

 

My problem was that I just didn't like him anymore - I didn't feel good around him anymore. I had fallen out of love, and it upset me, and I didn't want to try anymore, and I did everything I could to push him away until I finally moved out. But while we were still living together, there were those moments of regret at how things had turned out between us because we HAD been good together for a long time, and that's when I would want to try again and when I would be affectionate with him again.

 

For me, the relationship was at an end...it was all over except the smoke hadn't cleared yet. I think that is what's happening here. It's over for her, but you aren't allowing it to be over because you keep sticking around. And she is enough of a user that she is happy to take what you offer financially.

 

You must not mind doing all those things for her, and you must not care so much that you give her a lot of money. Perhaps you are trying to buy your way back into her life, or make yourself so indispensable that she won't ever quite divorce you?

 

You might want to look into some individual counseling to help you through this time in your life. A counselor can help you work through it yourself so you understand why you are doing what you're doing, and help you figure out how to change your behavior if that's what you want.

[Ronni_W]

Why is it that I cant see that she is using me?

Actually, according to your post you clearly CAN SEE that she is using you -- if you couldn't see it, you wouldn't have been able to write about all the instances of her doing it.

 

So, maybe the question is: within yourself, what is making it OKAY to be used by her? What are you afraid will happen if you stop letting her use you?

[Water Tiger 08]

Drop the psycho lady and move on. Don't touch her. You're kids will respect you if you act with her firmly and don't give in. They probably know who and what she is anyway. People like her exist because others let her. That I am afraid is you.

 

Water

[TP1969]

Why do you do all that stuff for her? Are you trying to get her back? Or did you always do all that stuff for her?

 

I think I know how she feels, running hot and cold on you. I once felt that way about a guy I was engaged to and living with. I had started to fall out of love with him, and eventually everything he did annoyed me, even when he was being super-nice. Yet, I had loved him very much for a long time, so sometimes I would be struck by a moment when my affection for him returned, briefly, and always followed with me feeling angry and hostile toward him again.

 

My problem was that I just didn't like him anymore - I didn't feel good around him anymore. I had fallen out of love, and it upset me, and I didn't want to try anymore, and I did everything I could to push him away until I finally moved out. But while we were still living together, there were those moments of regret at how things had turned out between us because we HAD been good together for a long time, and that's when I would want to try again and when I would be affectionate with him again.

 

For me, the relationship was at an end...it was all over except the smoke hadn't cleared yet. I think that is what's happening here. It's over for her, but you aren't allowing it to be over because you keep sticking around. And she is enough of a user that she is happy to take what you offer financially.

 

You must not mind doing all those things for her, and you must not care so much that you give her a lot of money. Perhaps you are trying to buy your way back into her life, or make yourself so indispensable that she won't ever quite divorce you?

 

You might want to look into some individual counseling to help you through this time in your life. A counselor can help you work through it yourself so you understand why you are doing what you're doing, and help you figure out how to change your behavior if that's what you want.

 

Thanks for that explanation of your situation Norajane. It certainly helps me to understand better just exactly how she must be feeling. Things have been up and down with us for over 5 years and I think she just stayed with me out of financial support. I always have done things for her but probably have done more now in the hope that she realises what she will be missing out on. But if she feels how you did its probably a waste of time and no matter what I do there will be no point anyway.

 

Thanks to everyone for your posts it has really helped me to understand this all a lot better. It doesnt make it any easier though. I find myself very lonely all the time and spend a lot of time just sitting on the computer. I dont really have any friends as I didnt keep in touch with a lot of old school friends when I moved away. The friends we had together wereall her freinds so I dont really get to see any of them.