mollers Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Hello all, Not been on here for a while. Me and my ex split up 3 and half months ago and I thought I was so dealing with it. I was majorly upset, but haven't been making contact with him, have been getting on with my life and coming to realise that I had been compromising myself in the relationship and giving more than taking etc and that it was all for the best blah, blah, blah. Told anyone who would listen how well I was doing and honestly thought I was. Then, out of the blue, someone asks me out for a drink and for some strange reason it has devastated me! You would think that I would be pleased, flattered, whatever....but all it has seemed to do is bring up thoughts about my ex. How it is him I want to hold me, kiss me, take me out for a drink...not some guy I don't even know. The thought has made me sick to my stomach, I got the text from my friend saying this guy saw me at her wedding and would love to take me out. I just burst into tears and for the last couple of nights have gone to bed thinking about my ex and how much I miss him. This has really knocked me for six. Anyone else felt his when confronted with the reality of having to think about being with someone else? XX
0hpenelope Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 It's because you're not ready. I don't think your reaction's abnormal at all. Although for everytime you get an offer, your reaction's the same... then I'd be worried.
sultry33 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Hello all, Not been on here for a while. Me and my ex split up 3 and half months ago and I thought I was so dealing with it. I was majorly upset, but haven't been making contact with him, have been getting on with my life and coming to realise that I had been compromising myself in the relationship and giving more than taking etc and that it was all for the best blah, blah, blah. Told anyone who would listen how well I was doing and honestly thought I was. Then, out of the blue, someone asks me out for a drink and for some strange reason it has devastated me! You would think that I would be pleased, flattered, whatever....but all it has seemed to do is bring up thoughts about my ex. How it is him I want to hold me, kiss me, take me out for a drink...not some guy I don't even know. The thought has made me sick to my stomach, I got the text from my friend saying this guy saw me at her wedding and would love to take me out. I just burst into tears and for the last couple of nights have gone to bed thinking about my ex and how much I miss him. This has really knocked me for six. Anyone else felt his when confronted with the reality of having to think about being with someone else? XX hi mollers.. wondered how you was doing.. yes i get this too and as penelope says you are just not ready.. i have told my friends that im just taking time out for me, but really its because i get upset at the thought of letting anyone close.. i was faithful for so long and was only with him.. it feels strange to be chatted up.. i used to walk away.. now i run off:eek: its like i know i can but at same time i dont want too, my friends now help in fending guys off for me.. i want a hug from him not some random guy:love:
sunshinegirl Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Congratulations! You are...perfectly normal. Having lived through three major breakups before my current one, it's always been the case that the first few dates with someone new made me crazy sad and upset. I remember my first date after my first boyfriend dumped me - the ENTIRE evening I kept willing my date to turn into my ex. He was heavily on my mind the whole time and I cried myself to sleep that night. Needless the say, it went nowhere with that guy. I just think it's an inevitable hurdle to gut through because getting back into the dating pool is inherently a reminder that you're not with the ex anymore. Even if you feel resolved about the end of your relationship, I think a date with someone else will still bring up old feelings. I'm not especially looking forward to my own first date(s).
Author mollers Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 Hi all - thanks for the replies. You're right, I'm not ready for a new relationship, far from it, but I really did think I was 'over' him. Guess I was wrong It is very soon after the break up. When I got together with 'him', it had been 14 months since my last relationship, so yes, I was ready for him. Sad thing is, I think I'll always be ready for him, even though I hate to admit it (I can admit it to you guys on here, you won't tell anyone ) and even though I would never go back, he's still there in my heart. I feel so sad today, I just want to hold him, sat crying at my desk again and it's been 2 months since I did that! Aren't emotions weird? I know I'll get past it, it's just a real kick in the teeth to find I'd react like this. Hey ho, I'm going on holiday on Sunday so hopefully that will help. Thanks for the support.X
nowhereman82 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Oh boy...what a depressing set of posts. Made me sad =/ *group hug*
ioncebelieved Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I would like to chime in with everyone and say You are not ready!! I am in the same position as you are in right now, however, I have made the mistake and gone out with a woman and been intimate on a few occasions. I thought that I'd be perfectly fine with, but I am not and I am in a weird spot. I like the new women, but I can't see anything coming from it and I was very upfront with my situation to her. The best of luck and true healing really takes time!! I still think of my ex and I AM NOT READY EITHER!
Author mollers Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 Hello people, thanks for the posts, it seems we're all not ready, lol! I've always known I wasn't ready, I think the thing that shocked me was the realisation that I also wasn't ready to let him go. Much as our relationship is over and I won't ever go back there - he doesn't want me anyway -I hadn't reckoned on this small invite out leading to me lying in bed almost being able to feel his arms around me. I swear I lie there at night now and I can almost smell him on the pillow. It brings a real lump to my throat and I am again picturing him with someone else. Horrible, horrible, horrible. I guess it is time to start yet another healing process. Although this time, I do it with a less heavy heart knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs to everyone out there who's feeling low at the moment. X (
miss_28 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 hey mollers... yup, i know what you mean... just when you think things are fine and settled, boom, some one asks you out and everything falls apart. It recently happened to me too... I think its because its an opportunity to move on and we're just not ready to do it 100% yet... it's like it seals the deal so to speak. So long as we're single, we're kind of being faithful to a memory... a new man means its really over... that's how i see it at least...
sultry33 Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 hey mollers... yup, i know what you mean... just when you think things are fine and settled, boom, some one asks you out and everything falls apart. It recently happened to me too... I think its because its an opportunity to move on and we're just not ready to do it 100% yet... it's like it seals the deal so to speak. So long as we're single, we're kind of being faithful to a memory... a new man means its really over... that's how i see it at least... this is exactly how i see it too.. but also if he is in my heart how the hell can i let someone else in.. damn:love:
orangehose Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 So long as we're single, we're kind of being faithful to a memory... a new man means its really over... that's how i see it at least... Yes, going out with someone new symbolizes acceptance of the demise of the previous relationship.
Crazy.S Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Don't worry I feel the same. I want to be in another relationship, but when I do talk to girls, I just don't feel it. I guess I am not ready yet. I figured I might as well enjoy the single life for now. Kind of nice to do whatever I want for once.
Author mollers Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 Don't worry I feel the same. I want to be in another relationship, but when I do talk to girls, I just don't feel it. I guess I am not ready yet. I figured I might as well enjoy the single life for now. Kind of nice to do whatever I want for once. Yes I'm enjoying single life for now. I really can't see myself in a relationship for a long time yet though. I honestly thought I would be with my ex forever and whilst I accept it's over, I'm still pining for him inwardly even though I am happy on the whole. This episode has just made me sad again but it will pass...
replicator Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I'm going through the same thing right now Mollers.. Every time I try to meet someone else, it just reminds me what I had with my ex. Just reminds me how nobody else has ever compared to her, and I've shared so many great memories with her. I don't want to be so weak, but the pain the creeps up is so sharp, but it comes and goes. I lost track of how long it's been.. But I guess we can't rush this. Just need time to let it go. To forget the hurt.
badnewsbeers Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Another person who knows what that's like, right here. Every girl I meet I keep hoping will turn into the ex, and when they don't it's a brutal realization. I think the fact is, that old relationship is dead and can never be replaced. Every person I go out with, that has the potential of forming a brand new relationship. It's a long process to get to that point, but something that has helped me is this: think back to when you first met your ex. You probably went on a date, had a few awkward conversations, went in for the first awkward kiss, etc. You know what?? That's exactly the same as it will be for a new person! Every great relationship starts out with the awkward phase, and that gives me so much hope because now I feel like I can have that again. Sorta takes it down off the pedastel. Anyway I'm not sure if I've helped much or just been more confusing, but either way I wish all of us good luck!
nowhereman82 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Does anyone else feel guilt for showing on the outside they are interested in the other person they are trying to date.....but in the inside you're really thinking about the ex in some way or form? As a Dumpee does that really ever go away? I for a long time was mentally set on spending the rest of like with my ex. So now it just seems wrong to be interested in anyone else.
Author mollers Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Replicator, badnewsbeers, nowhereman - hello all! Well at least you guys are having a go at trying to meet someone new, that is progress, I'm nowhere near that stage. Maybe I'm remembering my ex with a too rosy glow? Maybe it's because I just wasn't remotely attracted to the guy who wanted to take me out. I just seem to be thinking about my ex ALL the time again. I'm not weeping and withdrawing though, I'm just very sad. Badnewsbeers - I understand what you say about earlier relationships being awkward at first....however I don't think that's my problem. I think my ex just ticked all my boxes and I really can't see anyone else doing that right now.
sunshinegirl Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Maybe I'm remembering my ex with a too rosy glow? That's probably part of it. What was the bad stuff?
Author mollers Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 That's probably part of it. What was the bad stuff? Hi there, Nothing 'drastic', but things like putting his friends before me (nothing against his friends, but I was always 'on the outside' of the group); sometimes an unwillingness to compromise and a tendency to tell me about important things after he had done them. It's strange but I felt that the longer we were together, the less he saw me as his friend. That's what I loved in the beginning, I was his girlfriend, but I was also his friend. That got lost along the way.
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