I know its over. But I don't want to believe it

[treeluva]

Ok. here is the story. (it may be long)

 

I met this guy a year ago. We didn't have each others phone numbers or anything. We only saw each other when we were out. We would BS, but that was it.

 

I was dating someone at the time, and really never gave much thought to this guy. Sure, I thought he was attractive. When the guy I was dating and I broke up, I didn't go after him or start dating him.

 

About 3 months after that, I gave one of his friends my phone number. The next week, he tells me he is jealous because I hung out with that guy but never hung out with him and his other friends. He seemed to be joking around. I told him, "You never asked for my number!" At which point he did get my number. We also made plans for him and 3 of the other people that hung out to come over for the Superbowl. He was going to make Lasagna and bring it over.

 

Well, the day of the Superbowl, he shows up with the lasagna, but its only him who shows up. Supposedly the other guys are at work. (Military) We ate and talked and it was a good time, but I had actually gone on a few dates with his friend already (who I later found out was really just an aquintance)

 

After that, we still BS'ed on the weekends when we were all out. We would talk on the phone about once a week. A few times he invited me to go out with him and some other people. I really didn't think of it as a date, but I still never went because I was dating this other guy. (It wasn't serious dating, but I still felt awkward about it for some reason. I guess in my gut I knew I was attracted to him and I assumed that he was attracted to me as well)

 

Well, a couple more months go by, and the guy I was dating and I broke it off because there was really no future in it. It wasn't a bad breakup or heartbreak or anything.

 

Lasagna man and I started hanging out a bit more after this. At some point, he told me that he had decided a long time ago that if he was going to do anything in his life, he was going to take me out on a date. He had told his friends this. Over Christmas break, he was home on vacation and I danced with one of his roommates. It was no big thing, but he told me that it was quite upsetting to him.

 

We starting dating. It was fun. It was easy. It was amazing. It was perfect. There was no jealousy or fighting. He hung out with his friends; I hung out with my friends. We hung out with each others friends. We hung out with just each other. It was like a perfectly balanced relationship. We did things together; we did things apart. We saw each other everyday, but neither one of us felt like we were intruding on each others space.

 

He told me that seeing me was the best part of his day.

 

He made me feel like a princess. More than a princess. He made me feel like a woman. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I wasn't trying to manipulate a boy, but actually respecting a man.

 

He told me that being with me was amazing. He told me that this was the most adult that he has ever felt in a relationship.

 

The catch: he had to leave and go 1700 miles away to the FBI academy.

 

Before he left, he had a photo of the two of us blown up and framed and gave it to me. 3 weeks before he left he told me that he loved me. I did not bring up this conversation. I allowed the relationship to move at his pace.

 

He was affectionate. He was affectionate in front of his friends and my friends. If we were in the same room, we were no more than inches away from each other. We enjoyed staying in and we enjoyed going out.

 

The morning he left, he took my pillow because it smelled like me. He hugged me before he got into his car, and he started to cry.

 

I texted him after he left (about 30 minutes) and told him that it hurt. My heart hurt. He told me that I was going to make him cry again and to think of something funny, like the time he pushed me off the waverunner into the lake to check for "Snakes". (In reality, as gross as it is, I had to pee and the water was cold and I was taking way to long to get in, so he pushed me so I would just get it over with)

 

We talked everyday for the first month he was gone. He said he missed me. He said he loved me.

 

Then, something just shifted. Something felt wrong. I sent him an email and I told him that it didnt take much to keep me, I just needed to know that he wanted me in his life.

 

He responded that he couldnt give me what I wanted. That his priority had to be school. That long distance relationships and the time, dedication, commitment, travel... all those things he wouldnt be able to give to the relationship due to his priority with school.

 

He told me that our connection was in plain sight to him. That it was amazing. That I wasn't just "for the moment" to him and that he cared about me more than he has cared about anyone for a long, long time.

 

He told me he wants to be friends. Not because he thinks that it would be easy, but because I am one of the few people in his life that he has dated that he still wants in his life.

 

I sent him every sentimental thing I had of his back to him the next day, including the framed photo.

 

Then, a week later, I went out with some friends and got way too intoxicated. Good news is that I went home alone. Some guy was trying to pick me up from what I am told, and I looked at him and yelled, "YOU AREN'T (EX's Name) and I DONT WANT YOU!"

 

Problem: I ended up text messaging him. Because that is exactly what you should do when drunk, right?

 

The messages started out with I love you. It ended with telling him that if he didnt want me fine, but I didnt think that was it, I thought he was being a coward.

 

The next day, I was utterly embarrassed. So I did not initate any contact with him. What was I supposed to say? I just stayed away from initating any contact.

 

2 days after this I received a text from him that said, "I'm not going to lie. If you are going to be mean again, I would like to avoid your messages".

 

Now, of course, the "hope" side of this is that I had given him every reason to never talk to me again. Just call me a crazy girl and vanish. But instead, he initated the communication with me. Which means he had to have been thinking about what I said. And by staying away I gave him the opportunity to think about it.

 

I did respond to that text by saying, "Yeah, i wouldnt want to talk to me either. From what I understand I was being really mean to everyone that night. Have a great night".

 

Of course, the reality is, he was telling me that although he wants to be friends and communicate with me, he doesnt want to deal with the pain that I am going through, or anything of that nature.

 

Last night he was online and we briefly chatted, (nothing serious - whats going on? just watched American Ganster. Cool. I just watched the Prestige. I loved that movie! It was awesome! Yeah, plus it had batman in it so that was even better!) before he was just poof - offline. 2 minutes later I got a text from him saying that he lost his internet connection which was just awesome (being sarcastic) and that he was going to go to bed and that he would catch me later.

 

I then wrote his phone number down on a piece of paper, sealed it in an envelope, and put it in a box. After that, I deleted his phone number from my cell phone and every text I had received or sent to him, so the number is no longer in my phone. My thinking about this is that if I ever really do need to get in touch with him, I have the number - but if I am out or just depressed, I cant just pick up the phone and have it right there. I have to think before I contact him.

 

Here is the thing. I have never felt so connected to another human being in my life. I do believe him when he says he loves me. I do believe him when he says he has to focus on school. Logically, I know he is right. Emotionally, I am a wreck. I know I need to focus on ME, and hopefully, since school is starting on Monday I will at least of schoolwork and projects to occupy my time.

 

I know I am not ready to start dating. But I am thinking about going out on non serious dates anyway. If for anything, to have fun and have a reason to get out of bed and get dressed up. To feel sexy. To feel flirty. To do those things even if I do not really feel like doing them.

 

But I want him.

 

In 3 weeks he is going to be back in town to visit. We have some of the same circle of friends. It will be hard to not see him. But I am conflicted on what to do. Do I politely excuse myself from his presence since I know it will be difficult to see him and not be with him the way we were the day he left? Or do I go, see him, pretend to have a great time and act like nothing is wrong? If I see him I will hurt; If I don't see him I will hurt and wonder.

 

I know that it is over. I know that he is not going to come back. He is career oriented. He is ambitious. He compartimentalizes everything in his life. After being in the military for 5 years and going to Iraq, he has the capacity to detach himself from people around him. And I understand, because I was in the Army for 9 years and learned the same damn thing. It is a self preservation tool. You can't miss someone everyday to that extent because it will drive you crazy.

 

He told me that if he can get through a day without missing me, it makes the day easier.

 

I told him that the day I do not allow myself to feel the pain associated with being away from him is the day he no longer matters in my day to day life. Not that he doesn't matter or that I don't care about him, but that in fact, he really just doesn't matter.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

I have had breakups before that hurt, but I have disassociated myself from those people within a week. This is going on a month and I still can't seem to break away from it. Which is driving me insane on every level possible. Because I know I have the ability to break away. So why is it that when I wake up in the morning I feel him there? I don't wish it, I can actually feel him.

 

I know I can not call him. I know that calling him will do no good because it will just make me feel raw and even though he says he wants to be friends, I think it will just push him away further. I do believe he needs time and space to sort out himself and pursue his career goals.

 

I just want him to come back.

 

And I am scared that I will sit here waiting for him to come back. I don't mean that I won't live my life or do things for me - but that I will disregard other men in my life because they aren't HIM.

 

I really just dont know what to do.

[Lishy]

Oh wow what a heartbreaking story!

 

I think the best thing you could do is avoid him at all costs when he comes back and try not to see him

 

That will be the hardest thing to do but you need to self preserve here and seeing him will knock you back to day 1

 

Damn! Good luck x

[saams]

yes you should avoid all contact with him..

 

i gotta be honest, when people need '' time '' or they dont have time to have a relationship it's becourse they met someone else Or they dont like something in the relationship..

 

there is probably nothing to do here and now to forget about him, but you need to move on and get him completly out of your life. it will do you no good hoping he comes back.

[nowhereman82]

Was a big change in his life going to the school and unfortuantly he had to do what he had to do. Hope you don't hate him too much for it.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your loss....sounds like you had a good thing going.

[Ronni_W]

a text from him that said, "I'm not going to lie. If you are going to be mean again, I would like to avoid your messages".

<snip> Of course, the reality is, he was telling me that although he wants to be friends and communicate with me, he doesnt want to deal with the pain that I am going through,

Of course you get to interpret his texts in whatever way makes most sense, and feels best for you. BUT. A different interpretation is that he did not want to deal with HIS OWN pain that would result from your "being mean" as he put it.

 

If its anything like the movies and documentaries, then "FBI Academy" encourages their candidates to not have "outside" emotional ties that may interfere with their safe and proper physical and mental training.

Maybe LSers with any experience in FBI training can shed some light on what impact the "FBI philosophy" and training methods can have on otherwise solid relationships?

 

Maybe the current condition of your relationship is more about those things that are totally beyond his control, and not indicative of his true feelings and desires? (I know that doesn't help the pain and distance...but perhaps it can open up communications in a different direction, so you can get a clearer picture of possible future scenarios.)

 

Sending wishes that you will have a bright and happy future.

[JooLee]

i know how u feel, im going through the same thing emotions wise. its really hard. and i was having a hard time preparing myself to bump into him in university but today it was totally unexpected i bumped into him at a mall and we both pretended we never existed to each other. it hurts but the feeling will pass. one thing i learnt is dat the feelings will pass.

 

anyways, about the insecurities about the future, i dont know much about it because i feel the exact thing. but i suppose in time it will go away once we meet someone who'll make us smile more than he did. have faith and hope that things will get better for yourself

[confused11]

Hey treeluva....i swear everytime I read a post, I relate it to myself. There are so many of us out there hurting over very similar situations, it's so sad but comforting to know we are not alone.

 

OK...I too was kinda dating this military man. He doesn't know where his life is going, doesn't know what he is going to do when he gets out, and doesn't know where he will end up but knows that he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now blah blah blah. After a year of bouncing back and forth I finally have my answer. It hurts and it sucks but I agree with saams. I find that it usually is another person or that they know you are not the one. I don't even want to believe it myself but if a guy wants you, they want you. Simple as that. Keeping you around as a friend is like being second best. He might just want you to be an option but you're too good for that.

 

I wouldn't see him or hang out when he comes back. I also think he might be expecting to see you anyway. I think he's going to assume you'll come out to see him but don't. I know you might think that if you see him, maybe he'll realize his true feelings and take back what he said but I don't think that will be the case on a more permanent level. It just might be temporary then it will happen again. I don't doubt that he does have feelings for you, just not the ones you have for him. A clean break heals faster.

 

When you have no more romantic feelings for him then maybe you could see if there could be a friendship between you guys but until then, it will only hurt. You said something that I didn't really think of before, military guys especially, are really good at detaching themselves. And you know because you have military experience too. How old is this guy?

[miss_28]

I just want to reach out and give you a hug...

 

imo, a lot of guys seem to need to feel "accomplished" in order to maintain a loving relationship... they tend to think that in order to be happy, they have to first get their goals in life done and then get their relationship/love life in order. In a sense, they sometimes take for granted what is right in front of their face. In the process, a lot of fantastic relationships get destroyed. Its really sad. I also find guys (in general!) put off feeling difficult things until they have time to think about them... so they don't process their feelings the way we do (i envy that ability). Us women tend to go right through the pain as it comes at us and really bathe in our feelings to the point of exhaustion. When these guys realize what they've given up (if they realize it), sometimes they try to come back to a woman that has moved on by this point.

 

I really relate to you (similar story... lol) but i have a gut feeling that one day your x will feel pangs and ask himself "what if". But by that point, you will be over him, and hopefully will have met someone who can handle having a good relationship and achieving his goals.

 

My advice is for the time being, don't try to run into him, don't give him any more importance... breath and live your life as if he doesn't exist because the pain will start to fade if you do. It'll also make you stronger and appear more dignified - which is a really good thing. Just close this chapter and turn the page, the story may pick up in the distant future, but don't wait for it to happen, you'll miss out if you do. And dating can be a good thing precisely because these guys are not him...

[treeluva]

No, I don't hate him.

 

Yes, perhaps his not wanting me to be "mean" (although I do not think I was really mean - maybe brutally honest in my assessment of what I was feeling, but not mean) was so he wouldn't have to deal with any of his own pain regarding this relationship.

 

Yes, he probably does expect to see me when he is in town. I can control my not going to see him, but I can not control not seeing him whatsoever. Our circle of friends hang out at my place of employment. Even if I don't go to see him, it is most likely that they will all come into my workplack. Which is really freaking me out. I know that I can be professional about it, but being friendly and saying hi and whats going on to everyone else and then simply taking his order and saying nothing else seems so... cold. I guess all I can do in that situation is to have light conversation with him such as, "Have a good flight?" and whatnot, but continue to simply do my job. Which actually is a blessing... because even if I do see him in that setting, I will not have time to just stand around and talk to him. I will be busy.

 

Yes, he has said that he has to focus on school because how well he does in this school affects the rest of his life. It effects his potential assignment choices and promotion timelines.

 

He is 27 years old.

 

And yes, there is an aspect he doesn't like about our relationship: being 1700 miles away. He doesn't like the physical distance. And there is nothing I can really do about that save for moving halfway across the country to be closer - and there is no guarentee that in 8 months he will still be in the geographic location. Plus, I am not about to move on whim in the hopes of something. I would consider moving if this was something that we discussed and we both wanted. But at this point in time, it is not a consideration. I do have my own things I need to accomplish here as well, mainly, finishing up this degree I am working on. I would have flown out there as often as I could to see him. His issue is that with the academy, he will not have the time to travel and even if I come out there, he most likely would not have time to really spend with me.

 

He told me before he left when we were talking about his leaving that in a "perfect world" he would go to school, be number one, and when it was all done I would be there. But then he also told me that it would very selfish of him to expect me to just be there for him when he probably in all honesty wouldn't be there for me during that time.

 

So that's the thing. He is being too grown-up about this. If he would just do something stupid I could just write him off. But he is still being a stand up guy, doing what is hard but still doing it.