sedgwick Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Today my therapist asked me to state three goals to work on in the immediate future. I said I wanted to start doing things socially again, to get physically stronger and regain my ability to do gymnastics, and to try to stop hating on myself so much for not being a musician. I can't keep beating myself up with this "not a musician" thing. My therapist made me admit today that I hadn't forgiven him. She said, "You might not ever love or trust again, but you have to build a life worth living anyway." As women, we're fed this crock of sh*t that romantic love is the be-all end-all of our existence. We spend our allowance money to buy wedding dresses for our Barbies so we can fantasize about what it is acceptable for us to be one day. Boys aren't fed this nonsense, and I think it's greatly to their advantage. I want to believe that I really could be happy alone, if I never found romantic love again. Right now I'm doing gymnastics and yoga and dance instead of having sex; these forms of exercise provide the intense physical experience available to my body at this time. I have to learn to appreciate that for what it is instead of wishing it was something else. This is what I have right now and I am trying to teach myself to be happy with it. Do you think it's possible? Do you think we can really be fulfilled without love or sex?
LikeCharlotte Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 As women, we're fed this crock of sh*t that romantic love is the be-all end-all of our existence. We spend our allowance money to buy wedding dresses for our Barbies so we can fantasize about what it is acceptable for us to be one day. Boys aren't fed this nonsense, and I think it's greatly to their advantage. I've never been one to care about those things and I spent most of my life unable to love in that way. Needless to say I have endured plenty of ridicule from other women and girls. Much like you I lost my ability to trust and love, but through trauma not betrayal. I have worked very hard to regain the ability and there are times when I still resent the implication that romantic love should be the center of my world. It simply isn't. I have been pretty happy despite my "disability" and I am overjoyed to know that it wasn't a permanent affliction. You can have wonderful experiences and really have a life worth living without it. I promise... I have. Who knows maybe it will come back and you will have all of that and then some. (hugs4sedge)
replicator Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 This is what I have right now and I am trying to teach myself to be happy with it. Do you think it's possible? Do you think we can really be fulfilled without love or sex? I believe that every individual has the choice to decide what matters to them, and give their own meaning to life. For me, relationships matter the most - and it doesn't mean just a girlfriend, but with people in general. Knowing that you made a positive difference in the life of another person, and that you made at least a ripple, or better yet, a wave in the sea of humanity. Some people may be fulfilled without love, but to me it is the most powerful force and something to aspire for. Once you've felt it, you know there is nothing more moving. It's irrational and all consuming, but it makes the impossible seem possible. It breathes new life into you. I don't know if I'll find this again, but I'll never give up that hope.
0hpenelope Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Today my therapist asked me to state three goals to work on in the immediate future. I said I wanted to start doing things socially again, to get physically stronger and regain my ability to do gymnastics, and to try to stop hating on myself so much for not being a musician. I can't keep beating myself up with this "not a musician" thing. My therapist made me admit today that I hadn't forgiven him. She said, "You might not ever love or trust again, but you have to build a life worth living anyway." As women, we're fed this crock of sh*t that romantic love is the be-all end-all of our existence. We spend our allowance money to buy wedding dresses for our Barbies so we can fantasize about what it is acceptable for us to be one day. Boys aren't fed this nonsense, and I think it's greatly to their advantage. I want to believe that I really could be happy alone, if I never found romantic love again. Right now I'm doing gymnastics and yoga and dance instead of having sex; these forms of exercise provide the intense physical experience available to my body at this time. I have to learn to appreciate that for what it is instead of wishing it was something else. This is what I have right now and I am trying to teach myself to be happy with it. Do you think it's possible? Do you think we can really be fulfilled without love or sex? Love as in romantic love? Yes, I can be fulfilled without romantic love or sex. There are so many ways to love and just because romantic love isn't the love I have doesn't mean I'm worse off for it. I think it has a lot to do with our influences and I have particularly strong single women in my family who are very good examples for me. They wanted families for themselves, they've dated, but the marriage thing never happened. And they're happy! They're my living examples and I know that I won't die of loneliness if I stay single. We really can choose our attitudes... I'm so very pleased to see that you're still around, sedgwick. Keep us posted with your progress, ok? We need more examples on triumphing over heartaches. We can never have too many.
tinke Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Most absolutely, one can "survive" without romantic love. If that kind of love should present itself...well then, that is just an added luxury. But, there are many types of love/relationships, ways to contribute that are very satisfying. I for one, do not believe (nor did I ever) that your marital staus defines you. I do not believe that simply having someone "completes you". Now I do agree that it adds a different, special dimension, but, not a defining one. Many are single and fully enjoying life. But, I believe that presence comes from within, a confidence and love of self that brings that solace. It is not a NEED to have someone in your life, but rather a welcoming of someone with whom to share life's gifts.
Author sedgwick Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 Thanks all. I'm trying to accept the fact that, at least for now, I need to be alone. My friends are encouraging me to date, but I'm just not ready. Maybe I'm hanging onto him for too long, but I have to let this run its course. It feels like I'll never get over him, but I have to, right? I mean, if I'm going to be happy, I eventually have to either quit loving him and/or start loving someone else, but for right now I have other things to do. I honestly doubt at this point that I'll ever hear from him again, so I have to forgive him and forgive myself and move on. It still seems pretty impossible, but hey, I'm in therapy and I'm doing stuff with my life. I'm taking the right steps. It's just that they're small and slow.
orangehose Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Sedgwick, your goals sound awesome - and I really think you'll achieve them. I totally agree on women being "fed this crock of s***" about romantic love (and getting married, and having children) being the ultimate goal of our lives. Sometimes I think it's a crime that little girls are shown Disney movies full of 'happily-ever-afters' that only happen through the romantic love / admiration / validation of a man. There are plenty of possible 'happy endings' for us women, and many of them don't involve romantic love and resulting appendages. As for fulfillment without romantic love - absolutely. Just think of the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, etc etc...
Author sedgwick Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 I went to gymnastics again today and it was great. I bought a 10-class card, which is something I've wanted to do for a long time. I really liked the coach today, he helped me a lot and had a great attitude. When I was doing arabesques on the beam, he said, "You move like a dancer," and I said, "I am a dancer." So we started talking about bellydance, and I showed him a couple of moves, and he said, "You should teach a class here." Which would be awesome, for sure. The other thing that was kind of nice was that he said, "You have a great body." I dismissed it, because that's what I do, but it was nice to hear. Anything that helps me build up any kind of self-esteem in the wake of this breakup is tremendously appreciated.
carhill Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 It's night; you're alone. How do you feel, right now?
Author sedgwick Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 I feel okay tonight. I had dance rehearsal and I'm watching Olympic gymnastics, so that makes for a happy evening. I don't have any trouble being alone -- I live alone and I've always preferred it that way. I like living alone, traveling alone, driving alone on long road trips (or at least I did back when road trips were affordable.) I'm one of those people who needs a lot of alone time. I'm never bored and I never have trouble entertaining myself. But I'd really like it if I could share my life with him. Ah well. Sigh.
Recommended Posts