spookie Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Or is it full of fcvked up people who are bad at relationships for one reason or another? I used to think it was representative.. but where I work, for example, everyone's been happily married since they were 22, and all they tlak about all lunch is their pretty children. Or the pretty children they're trying to adopt/conceive. There's no divorces whatsoever and everyone speaks so positively about their SO's. You don't hear this kind of thing at all on LS. I almost feel like as soon as anyone mentions an R here at all, everyone jumps at the chance to mine for "red flags"... and we're told the marriages we fantasize about will last 5 years, tops. Don't get me wrong, I know I learned a lot in the couple of years I've hung around - I think I'm so much wiser than my 22 years of age - but does that wisdom actually count for anything in relationships? I'm starting to think maybe the whole point is NOT to count standard deviations but to accept people for who they are, relying on gut instincts instead of the by-the-book opinions of strangers. Maybe that's the secret to the happy relationships out there - amongst the real people.
johan Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 You're right. The membership on this site cannot be taken as a representative sample of society as a whole. There is a considerable amount of self-selection here.
Author spookie Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 You're right. The membership on this site cannot be taken as a representative sample of society as a whole. There is a considerable amount of self-selection here. Of course, I understand that; but do you think we're so skewed a sample that the social probabilities data one can infer from the various examples is worthless?
shadowplay Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Not to put anyone in particular down but there's def a self selection as Johan said. The few people I know irl who have visited this site when I mentioned it to them all remarked on how bitter the general tone is.
itgirlragdoll Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Well, you have to think about who would be utilizing a relationships advice forum...people who are having/have had relationship issues. People who are happily married with families aren't going to write about it on a forum...because what would they write? People who come here typically want advice on their relationship problems. I think this site is fairly representative of the current dating population (maybe not necessarily the married population). But it also depends a lot on where you live, work, and date. Maybe you are in a more conservative area where divorce isn't as common and young marriages are? Who knows, the idea of the "general population" is too broad to know for sure. I do know that the majority of marriages do end in divorce in this country, so maybe the pessimistic users here haven't completely missed the mark.
shadowplay Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Of course, I understand that; but do you think we're so skewed a sample that the social probabilities data one can infer from the various examples is worthless? No, it's not worthless. There's always at least one respondent who is on the money. You just need to have a good filter. I think in general LSers tend to see things in black and white, so they may be worse at giving advice on more ambiguous situations. To be honest sometimes it depresses me to hang out here because I feel like everyone is trapped in this gloomy bubble, cut off from the world. I know that's not the case but it's just sometimes the feeling I get when I come here. But there are also positive things that keep pulling me back.
johan Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Of course, I understand that; but do you think we're so skewed a sample that the social probabilities data one can infer from the various examples is worthless? No, it's not worthless. I just think you just have to know what the data is telling you. The data you gather here will inform you about the segment of the population that is similar to the people here. How to label that segment, I don't know. I think you also have to differentiate the sub-samples here. There are those who stick around and remain members of the community. And there are those who are just passing through. Mixing the two samples together would be misleading.
Author spookie Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 No, it's not worthless. There's always at least one respondent who is on the money. You just need to have a good filter. I think in general LSers tend to see things in black and white, so they may be worse at giving advice on more ambiguous situations. I didn't mean that the advice was worthless... oftentimes I think it is right on the money, or very helpful because it encourages people to think in different ways. I was talking more about the patterns one starts to see after lurking around for a certain amount of time. The conclusion one comes to about what people's actions mean, based on the experience of others that they read about here. Can those patterns be trusted?
shadowplay Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 This thread is reminding me why I need to get a life and stay off this site.
Author spookie Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 This thread is reminding me why I need to get a life and stay off this site. Yup. Me too. Another thing to ponder: is it healthy to expose oneself to these patterns, then, to the point that you start subconsciously searching for them IRL? Maybe we spend so much time here that we lose the ability to see the other patterns, the ones people without all this theoretical knowledge of s!htty relationships are used to. And maybe that's a bad thing. Or maybe not. At least I know I can spot a player miles away, and not to jump too soon into bed. I think I'm good at not making mistakes. But not that great at doing the right things, on the other hand.
jerbear Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I do not think this site is representative of IRL. Not everyone owns a computer, let alone find the site. I have found LS to be useful and remember it is advice. With any advice, online or offline, everyone will need to decide and take into account what applies to them. Sometimes it may sound right it does not include the other parties views.
shadowplay Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I didn't mean that the advice was worthless... oftentimes I think it is right on the money, or very helpful because it encourages people to think in different ways. I was talking more about the patterns one starts to see after lurking around for a certain amount of time. The conclusion one comes to about what people's actions mean, based on the experience of others that they read about here. Can those patterns be trusted? Yes and no. As I said LSers often see things in absolutes. If your SO does such and such a relationship with him will never be possible. I've caught myself adopting the same philosophy after hanging around here for a year. I think on average they may be correct, but in most cases they're over-confident about their conclusions. I don't think anything in real life is absolute. People and situations are constantly changing. As a personal example I did something terrible to my bf that would have destroyed most relationships, and it almost did destroy us...and yet, despite all that, I think there's a great deal of hope that we'll make it. He still loves me and that's something I would have never predicted as an outside observer. I see now that the last few months have been difficult largely because I've been routinely sabotaging the relationship and not really trying, but I've been given a million chances. In getting him back I also did something that would have been completely un-Kosher on LS. I basically pleaded with him to give us another chance, wrote him a long, apologetic letter, and it worked. If I had gone NC I'd have never heard from him again. Part of the problem is people are so complex and it's nearly impossible to give somebody relationship advice without knowing the couple in real life. Going on scant information that someone provides online, it's hard to not categorize people in to different types: "cheater," "clinger," "commitment phobe."
Art_Critic Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 This site isn't meant to be representative of real life of one person.. This site is This : Welcome to the LoveShack.org Community Forums! LoveShack.org sponsors a global peer-to-peer support resource bridging people from many different cultures and over 200 countries to interact, share, and discuss interpersonal relationships with partners, children, parents, co-workers, friends, and neighbors. As an open, friendly, and diverse community, it is important that each participant conduct themselves in accordance with the guidelines and standards we have developed to maintain an environment where all are comfortable contributing to the discussion. These guidelines are based on standards we have refined over the past seven years as our community has grown and evolved. We have published them here to help you better understand what is considered appropriate and what we expect from all our community participants. There isn't a person alive that can have all that LS provides in their life... LS is what you make it to be.. It is a library of information.. but you still have to know what book to pick out and read..
shadowplay Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I also think there's a tendency on LS to say "give up" too soon. It's a form of extreme self protection projected on others.
shadowplay Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Yup. Me too. Another thing to ponder: is it healthy to expose oneself to these patterns, then, to the point that you start subconsciously searching for them IRL? Maybe we spend so much time here that we lose the ability to see the other patterns, the ones people without all this theoretical knowledge of s!htty relationships are used to. And maybe that's a bad thing. Or maybe not. At least I know I can spot a player miles away, and not to jump too soon into bed. I think I'm good at not making mistakes. But not that great at doing the right things, on the other hand. Right. I think I used to operate more on instinct when it came to relationships and that worked OK for me. I don't want to blame LS for my problems but I do notice that I've done more crazy things than usual in the past year. I wonder if LS is having some influence on my judgment, or at least my level of obsession with relationships. Not saying it has this influence on anyone but me.
jerbear Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I also think there's a tendency on LS to say "give up" too soon. It's a form of extreme self protection projected on others. Yep, but remember alot of the members advice is based on age and their stage in life. Like I mentioned earlier, it is advice and sometimes the advice may not be good for your situation.
Author spookie Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 I also think there's a tendency on LS to say "give up" too soon. It's a form of extreme self protection projected on others. Yup. I think so too. The first time I realized this was the first couple of times I posted about TT. No matter what I said the advice from a lot of posters was the same: dump him, move on, he's not right for you. He hadn't even done anything wrong, and I was posting about how despite our weaknesses we made each other stronger, and how much I liked him despite some small reservations (which, incidentally, worked themselves out) - and still, instead of support what I laregly got was judgement and encouragement to end things before they got started. That really shocked me. But anyway, that's TMI and off-topic.
Author spookie Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 Right. I think I used to operate more on instinct when it came to relationships and that worked OK for me. I don't want to blame LS for my problems but I do notice that I've done more crazy things than usual in the past year. I wonder if LS is having some influence on my judgment, or at least my level of obsession with relationships. Not saying it has this influence on anyone but me. I honestly think my level of obsession with LS contributed to my the disintegration of my relationship with my ex. I'm not blaming anyone, but I know being on here all the time caused me to constantly be on the look out for "red flags" when in reality the entire reason I liked my ex in the first place was that he was crazy - so it was pointless to expect his actions to mean the same thing as average. Before I gained all this theoretical knowledge of s!ht relationships - which I think LS IS very useful for - things were fine.
johan Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 You're still with that loser?? Just kidding! It's true that people here will advise pretty much everyone with a complaint of any sort to dump their sweetheart. So it's better to not complain very often. The one thing this site continually reminds me is that I'm almost always better off if I trust my own judgment.
shadowplay Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 My bf's impression of LS whenever I mentioned it was "dump that ZERO, and get yourself a HERO!!!" which he would say in a sassy black woman's voice for some reason.
Author spookie Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 You're still with that loser?? Just kidding! It's true that people here will advise pretty much everyone with a complaint of any sort to dump their sweetheart. So it's better to not complain very often. The one thing this site continually reminds me is that I'm almost always better off if I trust my own judgment. There needs to be like a "Happy Updates" section somewhere.
Art_Critic Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Yup. I think so too. The first time I realized this was the first couple of times I posted about TT. No matter what I said the advice from a lot of posters was the same: dump him, move on, he's not right for you. What would be interesting Spook is to revisit those threads a year or so from now.. I'd be curious to see how accurate they really are... The other issue is that even though people gave you advice you didn't use there were people whose advice you did use.. Nothing wrong with that.. Don't be hating on LS...
johan Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 There needs to be like a "Happy Updates" section somewhere. That's been suggested several times by people in moods similar to yours. If anyone was interested in such a thing, it would already exist. That's similar to saying "why doesn't the media ever focus on the good news??" No one actually cares about that.
shadowplay Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 There needs to be like a "Happy Updates" section somewhere. Be careful. Whenever I've made happy updates on the past people have rained on my parade. I remember one post in particular where one poster seemed on the verge of tears after reading what I had written because she was jealous.
Art_Critic Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I honestly think my level of obsession with LS contributed to my the disintegration of my relationship with my ex. I'm not blaming anyone, but I know being on here all the time caused me to constantly be on the look out for "red flags" when in reality the entire reason I liked my ex in the first place was that he was crazy - so it was pointless to expect his actions to mean the same thing as average. Before I gained all this theoretical knowledge of s!ht relationships - which I think LS IS very useful for - things were fine. You have posted threads about your drinking and whether is was a problem or not and then you figure out it is.. so you cut way back.. how is that bad ? Is LS to blame for you cutting back on your drinking too ?.. damn...
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