Haunting memories/overcoming her past

[Mac10Handle]

First let me say that I love my girlfriend with all of my heart and I know it is mutual beyond the shadow of a doubt. We are in a long distance relationship and have been going out for about a year. Well about a month or two into our relationship (after we were already saying "I love you" and had took each others virginity) she went over to this guys house who was spreading a false rumor about her. He was with a friend of his who she was "friends" with. She was grounded at the time and wasn't allowed to be out where she was. To make a long and depressing story short, they took her keys and demanded that they could grope her breasts. She didn't immediately let them do it but it was getting late so she unbuttoned her shirt and let them both ravage her chest to get her keys back. They wanted to go for more of her but she got the keys and ran back to her car. She was and still is a minor when those guys did that, they are 18 and 19. This girl was the first girl that I've ever done anything with even a simple kiss. I have gone in and out of near suicidal depression that she would do that instead of taking the punishment from her parents. Only me, her last boyfriend, and those 2 bastards were the only ones to ever touch her breasts. I love her more than anything and she has been my first everything but that she let them do that while we were going out has haunted me since it happened. The thought of them doing it and even writing this down brings images of what happened even though I never witnessed it.

 

My question is what do I do? I love her so damn much and when I'm with her I forget all about it and feel great. But times like now when she's back home I feel like I'm about to die from grief. Those two animals are out there free as birds for sexual assault. What should I do? There were no witnesses so the police is out of the question. I just want to wake up and it be a bad dream. She has apologized for it again and again but the fact is... she did it and they got away untouched. Am I crazy or something? Am I being the bad guy by telling her how sad I am so she can comfort me (which she tries so hard to)? Did I do anything wrong? For the love of God help me. I need her but don't know how long I can go on knowing what I know happened. Thanks in advance friends.

 

P.S. would what she did be considered cheating? Would what they did be considered pedophilia or is she too old at 16?

[theobserver]

Obviously she's under 18 right, first of all I know you might feel disgusted but first stop for a moment. Do her actions today or back then support her story. It's hard to know what we would do if we were a female in that situation.

 

I can understand some people do not want to go to the police for such matters, lack of evidence , a fear of not wanting to taint said assaulters reputation and life despite the fact they could of raped her and just outright fear of backlash from the community sad but true how often do assaulted/raped victims speak out only to later be called whores by people later who don't know the facts ;

"what was she doing there, she brought it on herself, well what do you expect when she's wearing a dress like that it's too tempting"

 

By the way with her being 16 and them 18/19 depending on country/region she is probably legal and even so I doubt anyone would class this as a pedo act, sexual assault for sure.

 

Is she totally disgusted now by these 2 guys or is she still going to their homes? Does she defend them if you speak badly of them?

 

Hopefully the answer to the above is Yes and Absolutely Not. If this is truely what happened you just have to purge these feelings you have on your pride and it may be justice may not be served on these 2 and you just have to be there for your girl. She might of put herself in this situation but I'm sure she didn't expect two friends to try and get a quick grope, I'm rather sure she weighed out the options and hopefully letting them have a fondle was the best situation for something that could get worse and obviously they wanted more from what you mention when she rushed out after getting the keys.

 

At the same time though I dont understand why she would GO TO A GUYS HOUSE who apparently was spreading rumous? While grounded what did she expect to achieve. If anything you'd think she'd want to see you instead. Obviously she was hanging out at this guys house for some time WITH HIS FRIEND before the incident happened if it did go down as she said. Part of me says she just let them get frisky and made up the key story incase they started telling everyone so you wouldn't leave her. Hard to backup, they said she said and if you don't take her side you look like a dick especially if it is the truth. Tricky situation.

 

I can't believe I'm typing so much on this matter. Look investigate a little but honestly support her either way to play it safe but if you can't get this out of your head perhaps think about breaking up she might not be all she seems but I do hope I'm horribly wrong.

[Mac10Handle]

Thanks for the post and taking so much of your time to answer, but like you finished up saying, you are horribly wrong. Just a few points:

 

-We are in a long distance relationship and I wasn't with her or even near her at the time.

 

-She now dislikes them but doesn't hate them like I do because she can't put herself in my position. And no she does not speak to them and doesn't seem like the same naive girl that would do that again. She just wants me to forget and she's begged forgiveness.

 

-The story is 100% true. She would NEVER lie to me about something like that. Skepticism is probably is supply on this website listening to all the cheating girl stories and such, but she is the polar opposite and that's why I can't bring myself to even think of leaving her.

 

-She was over there for a little bit before they did what they did. She didn't just say, "Oh I have to get home, you took my keys a second ago, so here are my boobs." They kept her long enough so that she was really worrying about getting home. And one of them was her friend but she was on decent terms with the other so she really didn't have much of an idea that could ever happen.

 

-How the hell do I get over it? Is there any way? Should I go tell the cops? Should I leave her? I don't know what I would do without her. Should I confront both of the boys who did it?

 

-Again, would what happened be considered cheating?

[rproctor]

Something is strange about this, and I think theobserver hit it right on.

 

Why did she go over to his house? What was the point? I dont get it... To confront the guy about the rumors? Or something? I dont know... But then the guys stole her keys and MADE her let them touch her boobs...

 

That really does not make any sense, if anything, it sounds like she was over there letting those guys grope her, not the other way around. I would think it is cheating, if you ask me...

 

If here story was true, there would have been other outs to this situation.

 

You guys are young, too young in fact. I would let this relationship go, mainly because you dont know how to handle it.

 

Sorry, but its just my opinion.

[Mac10Handle]

I repeat, one of them was her friend and the other was someone she knew. I know it may sound suspicious but it's the truth. You guys don't know her and haven't been through our relationship so I am the ONLY person who can tell you what happened and this DID happen word for word. If I'm not going to get advice then I should never have even posted. I damn well do know how to handle this relationship but if it happened to you I'm pretty sure you would feel like **** too. What I typed is what happened. Period. I know it sounds ridiculous that she let them do that over just take a punishment at home but it happened. I want real advice on what to do NOW, not what you guys think the real story was. I honestly appreciate your responses but your assumptions are wrong. Thanks.

[rproctor]

Hey man, dont get so flustered. Its just a discussion. But what advice are you looking for? If she is regretful of her decision, and is not into that anymore, and it was in the past, then what are you looking for? I mean, you feel hurt because you feel betrayed, which in some sick and twisted sense you were.

 

You have two choices, accept it, or move on. There is no middle ground here man, you cant keep this chick in relationship status if you are this beaten up over this.

 

And really, what is the big deal here? If it really is ONLY what you say it is, then so what? I dont think this would make these guys pedofiles, I think that definition fits a stronger suite. She didnt HAVE to let them, she acepted them.

[Mac10Handle]

I'm sorry man but I'm pretty messed up about the most important person in my life unconsciously backstabbing me.

 

"If she is regretful of her decision, and is not into that anymore, and it was in the past, then what are you looking for?"

-I'm looking for advice on what to do. I'm looking for advice on why a person would do that. She does have a habit of sometimes telling me lies about where she was or what she was doing so I wouldn't get mad (smoking when she said she was offered it but declined, drinking when she said she wasn't) but this wasn't one of them. I'm just sure of it.

 

"You have two choices, accept it, or move on. There is no middle ground here man, you cant keep this chick in relationship status if you are this beaten up over this."

-What does keeping her in a relationship status mean? You think I'm keeping her with her against her will or something man? I haven't ever lied or done anything bad in our relationship. Not once man, not once, I wouldn't play her like that.

 

"And really, what is the big deal here? If it really is ONLY what you say it is, then so what? I dont think this would make these guys pedofiles, I think that definition fits a stronger suite. She didnt HAVE to let them, she acepted them."

-The big deal is that she cheated on me man! Not to the point where she screwed them but still, we were going out, and very serious when it happened. Why did she accept them? That's another question of mine and part of why it's a big deal! I'm sorry I'm coming across as a jerk but I just get defensive about this. I mean this is all that's going for me. I'm going to Iraq in a matter of months and I have nothing other than her and the Marines and if I lose her, I lose half of my life pretty much.

 

Please try putting yourself in my shoes. This innocent girl, this amazing girl who makes you feel like never before in your life. Feelings like happy, hopeful, on top of the world. The most down to Earth, funny, and downright wonderful girls you've ever met. But there's a price to pay, you have to live with the fact that she cheated on you to an extent. I mean she did, didn't she? While we were going out she let other men ouch her sexually? It pains me, sometimes more than other times, obviously more than most times currently or I wouldn't be writing this. The best person I've ever met with the knowledge of her being unfaithful, or to be free by myself but lonely in the desert sucking up sand and without the pain (or so I think, it might be replaced by a new pain). And more more thing, it's not like this used to happen all the time. Half of the 4 people to ever touch her body like that, are them!! She's so innocent and sweet and got taken advantage of because of it. This ****ing world man, I'm telling you. Sometimes I hope I don't make it back to this place after the desert. It's just another kind of evil that preys on the weak and innocent here. You're right there is no middle ground... it's everywhere... and I'm through with seeing it. Thanks again.

[Mac10Handle]

Alright, I'm feeling back to normal again. We talked and I'm as okay as I can be. It's the past but it'll always be there. But I did learn that one guy she "hooked up" with dragged her across the floor to give him a handjob when she was drunk at a party. So yeah, **** this world. I'm outty, thanks for the advice guys.

 

I'm hoping that anyone with problems like mine or anything at all comes to terms with them, I know the feelings, they can't be lived with. Either learn to cope or if you can't, save yourself and find something better. Everyone deserves the best in life, except mother****ers like I mentioned above. Thanks again and best wishes guys.

[smoothrider]

One thing you need to learn my friend. Nobody in life is innocent, it doesn't matter who you are. We are all equally corrupt. No matter how good and innocent you think she is , she is not there are things about her you will never know that she will hide well just as I'm sure you have some secrets.

 

You're right in something you said above in a forum like this we're looking for signs of lying and cheating on the side but we're also good observers of human behaviour. Why you ask? Because we have the experience, you're young not even in your 20s yet, people on this forum have lived what you have have seen it , and are way too old to believe in your immature ideals you'll soon wake up from.

 

She has the capability to lie to your face, manipulate and cheat always remember that about any partner. It does not mean you should not love and respect her just understand she is not an angel even if she looks like one. Your relationship is no more special then a couple next door, we have people on her who have been married for over 30 years and the Husband could swear down his wife was perfect until he finds out his wife was a sl*t behind his back breaking his heart and his view on women being perfect.

 

I fear for you now because you're joining the marines especially because you're young. Your relationship will really be tested here you already started off as a LDR(Long Distant Relationship) and now it's going to become beyond a LDR it's going to be a loyal LDR test. By Loyal I mean now she has to hold out like never before and believe she will have men tempting her at every turn and you've barely done much because of age to have your relationship have more substance to survive the time apart.

 

There are going to be many times now where you will not be able to contact her she will be lonely and may just break it off while your away. I always try to tell young marines and men going to war to just go in single unless you have a strong bond with your partner and you know she can wait has said it herself with confidence and it's not just you saying "she can take it" .

I personally would never serve in any force

1. I do not wish to.

2. Given enough time a woman will cheat in some way, emotional or Physical and I couldn't take it.

[AAlike]

Here's what doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

 

On the one hand, you're describing this incident as an example of sexual assault and pedophilia and talking about how the guys basically forced her to let them cop a feel.

 

But on the other hand, you're talking about how she "accepted" the guys and that she essentially cheated on you, and that she "doesn't really hate the guys like you do" - that, to me, does not imply a situation of sexual assualt.

 

I think that's why so many people are finding holes in your story - it doesn't sound like you yourself have been able to decide how to really chalk this story up. and I think that should ultimately determine what you decide to do.

 

If you do really unconditionally believe that she was sexually assualted (which it is obvious that you want to believe but I'm not sure that you are letting yourself believe it 100%), then the fact that you are accusing her of "essentialy cheating on you" is deplorable, and you should be doing nothing but providing support for her.

 

However, it is clear that there is some part of you that is thinking that she was somewhat receptive and/or responsible for this situation, which is why you're intermingling silly stories about handjobs with something as serious and traumatic as sexual assault, and is making these feelings of distrust manifest in you.

 

It sounds like you're on the fence here - and I think that you need to decide which side of that fence that you fall on before anyone can give you proper advice.

[Mac10Handle]

Thanks for your posts guys. Okay this is what I believe. She was a stupid girl, she may still be. She has admitted she should never have gone there that night but I guess she over estimated them as guys who wouldn't do anything like that to her. She knows she messed up. The handjob was before I met her but things like people preying on her just make me mad that's all. What are you guys implying here? Yes she let them do it. No she did not want them to. She closed her eyes and waited for it to be over. She basically bit the bullet to get home without her getting an extension on her grounding. She's young, she's stupid, she didn't think it would mean that much to me. It was in the heat of the moment I guess. Do you honestly think that she went to their house knowing that she would get groped? If that's what you're saying than I can't take another word you say seriously because I am that sure she's telling the truth. You think that she did more that she didn't tell me? Wrong I say.

[Davey McG]

Okay this is what I believe. She was a stupid girl, she may still be. She has admitted she should never have gone there that night but I guess she over estimated them as guys who wouldn't do anything like that to her. She knows she messed up. The handjob was before I met her but things like people preying on her just make me mad that's all. What are you guys implying here? Yes she let them do it. No she did not want them to. She closed her eyes and waited for it to be over. She basically bit the bullet to get home without her getting an extension on her grounding. She's young, she's stupid, she didn't think it would mean that much to me. It was in the heat of the moment I guess. Do you honestly think that she went to their house knowing that she would get groped? If that's what you're saying than I can't take another word you say seriously because I am that sure she's telling the truth. You think that she did more that she didn't tell me? Wrong I say.

 

I remember when I was that naive. Still I think the realisation about my perceptions vs reality helped me grow.

 

In the meantime, let us know how you get on.

[verve]

She has admitted she should never have gone there that night but I guess she over estimated them as guys who wouldn't do anything like that to her. She knows she messed up.

 

I get the impression you strongly want to believe her story but there is a part of you which doubts it all, however hard you try not to.

 

There does seem to be something not right about her version of events, it doesn't sound right. As you have said yourself, she could have always decided not to let them grope her and just leave her keys with them, get home a bit late. If she did that she could have told somebody and got them in trouble/avoided being 'groped'.

 

 

The handjob was before I met her but things like people preying on her just make me mad that's all.

 

What happened exactly? Some guy asked her for a handjob so she obliged? If so that could perhaps give you an indication she's not so fresh faced and innocent as she's made out with the boob-grope story.

 

Yes she let them do it. No she did not want them to.

 

Why not STOP THEM then? If I punched you in the face would you allow me to without asking me/physically stopping me?

 

She basically bit the bullet to get home without her getting an extension on her grounding.

 

I think any rational girl would choose being grounded over being sexually used. Especially in a situation like this where surely the parents would understand?

 

I would be very careful about this situation, since to me, it doesn't all make sense. Be very cautious.

[rproctor]

I think any rational girl would choose being grounded over being sexually used.

 

I agree completely with that.

[Mac10Handle]

I've said this many times in this thread but thanks again for all the advice you guys have given me. I go through a roller coaster type deal with when I think about it. Sometimes it's bad, sometimes I don't think about it. I've realized that I can only truly trust myself even though I loved being able to trust her and hopefully one day I can again. I'm sitting back a little bit more and letting her finally take control of her life in stead of me always telling her and advising her on what to do. If I can't trust her when I leave, then It'll be on her because of her actions, not mine. One last note though... why would she let them if what your suspicions yield true? It's not like they were about to give her an orgasm, she wouldn't get anything out of it and that's why I still believe her story over everyone's speculations. Thanks fellas.

[Walk]

The girl is 16 and probably doesn't have the most adult skills in dealing with stressful situations. I know when I was 16 I had some bad shyt happen to me that I didn't know how to deal with at the time. In hindsight, I should've left before it got to that point. In hindsight, I should've done X or I should've done Y. But hell, I was 16. What 16 year old kid who's still being grounded by her parents is really equipped to deal with two 19 year old boys??

 

Mac10Handle, I don't think its your gf's responsibility to apologize to you. As you described it, she didn't cheat. She was assualted. She was naive for going over there. That's all I would fault her for. That would be like if you were 16 and a 19 year old decked you when you asked for your keys back. Would you apologize to your gf because some guy decked you?

 

How about putting yourself in your gf's shoes instead. You're 16 again, you've got 1/6th the body strength you do now, and TWO grown men are threatening and intimidating you. You can't leave becasue they've taken your transportation hostage. Look at it through a girls eyes for a brief moment. There is no difference imo between a man getting popped in the face or some guy grabbing my boob when I dont' want him too. Both are forms of assualt.

 

If the men had touched only her face with their hands would you still feel jealous, or is it merely the body part they touched? Women are more apt to be groped and grabbed in sexual parts (breasts and genitalia) then we are to be punched or decked. It doesn't make it her fault though. Men are sleazy horn dogs.

 

I don't even believe this situation was about sex... it was about control. They wanted to control her.

 

By the way... good luck in the Marines.

Semper Fi.

[Walk]

One last note though... why would she let them if what your suspicions yield true? It's not like they were about to give her an orgasm, she wouldn't get anything out of it and that's why I still believe her story over everyone's speculations. Thanks fellas.

You posted in the cheating forum so you'll get responses mostly from people who have been (very badly) cheated on in the past. If you post the same question in the dating forum, you'll probably get different answers.

 

Different types of people tend to congregate in different areas of this forum. Each group has their own perspective on life and relationships. Which perspective you get is dependent on where you ask the question. (same as in real life)

[Mac10Handle]

Walk, thanks for what you said. I guess that kind of put it in perspective.