Here I am Again: BF Tests me, Verbally Abusive...

[The Collector]

I think you love the drama.

[confused999]

I'm still giving him some sort of satisfaction.

 

exactly! Which is why your best bet is to just cut him off, cold turkey. You're going to catch him in a lie regardless, because his little lying lips flap, don't they?

 

seriously though, you can make a classy exit by just walking away now, instead of being sucked into his bullsxht and lowered to his level. Believe me, you'll get much more satisfaction this way than if you kept playing his game in the hopes of outwitting him. Why bother? This man doesn't sound like he even deserves a girl like you!

 

as for revenge, you can always find a voodoo doll and start poking it with sharp objects.

 

I'd like some sharp objects right about now! God, just a few weeks ago he was holding me telling me how he doesn't want to push me away, he"s sorry, he really doesn't want to... blah blah BLAH!!! What a strange phenomenon ...

 

Well for this hour I've lost the urge to contact him. Tonight will be hard, the morning will be awful... I'll be glued to this forum, I know that much.

[Angel1111]

So he knew it was on my mind and now he's trying to triple-screw me -- going without me a week early, going with another woman, and messing up my work week. Is that an example of how if I stand up for myself in any little way he works overtime to squash me down and regain control of me?

 

Yes, he's a psycho job but it really doesn't matter what he does, he CANNOT squash you down or gain control of you if you don't LET him. It's what YOU do that matters. Don't ever forget that and don't ever convince yourself that you're a victim because you're not.

 

And I already see your wheels turning from that other comment about personal growth not happening unless you stop seeing the person for awhile. Please get it out of your head that things will change if you separate from him for a few months. First of all, things won't change. And secondly, he has offended and insulted you to the point of no return, and that's where you need to be with this in your head and in your heart. There are no awards, honor or glory for anyone who decides to forgive this kind of offensive and disrespectful behavior. All it says it that you don't have any love or respect for yourself.

[confused999]

Yes, he's a psycho job but it really doesn't matter what he does, he CANNOT squash you down or gain control of you if you don't LET him. It's what YOU do that matters. Don't ever forget that and don't ever convince yourself that you're a victim because you're not.

 

And I already see your wheels turning from that other comment about personal growth not happening unless you stop seeing the person for awhile. Please get it out of your head that things will change if you separate from him for a few months. First of all, things won't change. And secondly, he has offended and insulted you to the point of no return, and that's where you need to be with this in your head and in your heart. There are no awards, honor or glory for anyone who decides to forgive this kind of offensive and disrespectful behavior. All it says it that you don't have any love or respect for yourself.

 

Yes, the more I think about the course of events, the more I see how truly manipulative and awful he is. He really does only care about himself. Where would he be if I ever truly needed him for an emergency or something? Not here.

[Water Tiger 08]

Ummm if you're his little shadow, I don't think he really thinks much of you. Relationships are supposed to be more or less on an equal footing.

 

Curtis

[confused999]

Ummm if you're his little shadow, I don't think he really thinks much of you. Relationships are supposed to be more or less on an equal footing.

 

Curtis

 

Yeah, I didn't exactly feel it was a sweet name for me, even if he said it as if it were supposed to be. At least my heart and my brain were paying attention at the same time, and his passive-aggressiveness stuck with me.

[The Collector]

Verbally abusive how?

[whichwayisup]

Go back and read all your threads in the past month and a half.

 

Ask yourself WHY you are still with this guy? What is it about him that makes you stay and take this crap on a stick?

 

Sooner or later your self esteem and self confidence IS going to go down the tubes.

[confused999]

Verbally abusive how?

 

Emotionally abusive is a better term. I didn't really realize it until I started posting here, but the fact I came here must've meant I was realizing something was very wrong.

[confused999]

Go back and read all your threads in the past month and a half.

 

Ask yourself WHY you are still with this guy? What is it about him that makes you stay and take this crap on a stick?

 

Sooner or later your self esteem and self confidence IS going to go down the tubes.

 

Nothing anymore. Now I see the manipulation and control. I didn't see it, really SEE it before. This forum has been AMAZING. Plus he is escalating, going to more and more extremes, that I can't ignore.

[whichwayisup]

I know it isn't easy and you're in alot of pain - Just know that it isn't "you"...He has changed and his drug problem is the cause of most of his behaviour. He isn't in his right mind.

 

All you can do is take a big step back, detach yourself from him, and let him know that you DO love him but can't be in his life at all anymore.

[confused999]

So he did indeed go on vacation without me, without telling me. I didn't contact him. Then he texts me and tells me he knows I've been stalking him, he knows I've been sleeping with 2 other guys he names off, and keeps repeating HE KNOWS EVERYTHING... I'm like, HUH???? (because none of this is true!) I respond a few times asking what he's talking about, none of this is true, etc. Then I stop because I figure it's some other weird reaction he's having to my not contacting him, and that he's using it as a way to manipulate me to talk to him. The next night a woman calls me and says she's dating him now and I need to leave them alone, she knows we've been broken up since March and I need to stop following him around and get over it, blah blah blah. I'm of course FLOORED. I tell her we didn't break up in March, his things are still at my house, he's lying to you. She said no, she believes him, I'm the liar. So I stop talking really, just respond with OK now and again. She goes on and on and includes that she slept with him last night. After hanging up I'm devastated, but I didn't contact him. I didn't know what was going on.

 

The next 2 days he's texting and calling and I don't respond. Then he blocked his number and called and I answered... he alternates between accusing me of this crazy stuff and trying to seduce me into letting him come over! Then he tells me he called someone in my family (a person that he knows doesn't like me, and whom I don't like and who has a big mouth and will tell everyone every bit of dirt they can get on me) and told her all his accusations. I am not arguing with him, not emotional, just responding with "ok's" and "all rights" for the most part. When I did address any of his ridiculous accusations he just gets quiet and then blows them off with "oh, welll it's not important," then reverts back to trying to convince me to get together with him!!! Then he asks me why I called the woman -- I told him SHE CALLED ME... I said you must've given her my number or she got it from your phone and again, he blows that off likes it's neither here nor there, but tells me he hasn't slept with her. I tell him to leave me alone, he starts getting angry, so to placate him I say I need to think about all this before seeing you -- I was afraid he'd just come over because he was implying he would. He said "okay think, but you better hurry up..." I didn't even ask him what that meant, but it's been bothering me a lot. Oh and then he asks what I think about his calling my family member, how does it make me feel... I say "whatever," he says he thinks I really am bothered by it but I won't admit it. I guess he was waiting for me to get emotional over it but since I didn't he actually just came out and asked?!?!?!

 

That was last week. He texted a ton over the weekend trying to get together, with a few mean ones in between, because I didn't respond at all. Then last night the woman calls again and tells me I should know she never slept with him. I say OK. She said she's a friend of his but that's it. I say ALLRIGHT. She seems to want more from me, but I'm so not into talking to her! So she asks, "do you have any questions?" NO I say, and I say goodbye.

 

WTF!!! Of course I have questions, I'm dying to ask him what he's doing to me, I'm dying to yell at him, I'm also so sad and shocked and angry, I can't even believe this is all happening. But I haven't contacted him and I'm up and down with the strength in doing so.

 

Please help me! ANGEL1111??? What can I expect next? What do I do?

[whichwayisup]

Don't contact him. When he calls you again from an unknown number, you tell him to leave you alone and that you're breaking up with him. That if he ever calls you again, you'll call the police and say he's harrassing you. If need be, get a restraining order against him.

 

Ask a friend to drop off all his stuff so that way he won't show up at your house.

 

This guy is F**KED in the head, it's more than a drinking and drug problem, he's being a total a-hole with you and playing games. HE isn't worth anymore of your time, effort, energy and love.

[confused999]

Don't contact him. When he calls you again from an unknown number, you tell him to leave you alone and that you're breaking up with him. That if he ever calls you again, you'll call the police and say he's harrassing you. If need be, get a restraining order against him.

 

Ask a friend to drop off all his stuff so that way he won't show up at your house.

 

This guy is F**KED in the head, it's more than a drinking and drug problem, he's being a total a-hole with you and playing games. HE isn't worth anymore of your time, effort, energy and love.

 

I know, absolutely. I just can't believe the extent of the games. I wish I could just be so strong that I could just close my heart to all of this and move forward -- put him in the category of "a**hole" in my life; but it's not that easy for me. SOME of his nice talk and texts actually touched me a little bit (how sick am I???), him talking about how special our relationship is, we can work it out, he's confused but loves me... even though I am 99% sure all that he's saying is just a part of his weird games.

 

I can't stop thinking about this. I distract myself but it only works for minutes at a time. I realize it'll get better for me. But I still wish I could go to sleep for 3 months and wake up having gone through the brunt of the emotions. I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT BELIEVE how cruel he's been.

 

I'm scared to threaten him with the police, because I'm afraid of his retaliation, which I think is what his calling my family member was all about-- I dared ignore him (even though he was the one saying we probably should break up, before I started ignoring him). I hope never to talk to him again, at least the smart part of my brain does.

[Walk]

Is there someone you can stay with for a few weeks? Just until the worst of this blows over? A friend, a family member? I know sometimes its really really hard to tell someone about a situation like this, but this is one of those instances where its braver to ask for help then not to.

 

Start thinking of this guy as EX bf. Imagine a life where you don't have to deal with this type of crap. Really imagine it. Like waking up and feeling free to be happy with your life. Image a day where the only time the phone rings is when someone calls to make your day a little bit brighter and more cheerful.

 

Then hold onto that image. That's your goal.

 

For now... do NOT answer any blocked incoming phone calls. Let those go to voice mail. If it's an important call, then the person will leave a message and you can call them back. 99.9% of the time they aren't important calls.

 

There is a way on a lot of cell phones to block incoming phone calls to only those people who are stored in your contact list. It won't prevent other phone calls from leaving voice messages, it'll just prevent it from ringing.

 

Do not open the door to anyone. Call all important family members or friends and let them know they need to call before stopping by. If he stops by, don't answer the door. Do let him know you're inside. Immediately call the police and tell them the situation and that you feel threatened.

 

Save any threatening text messages from him and document the date and time he sent them. Same with any voice messages he leaves you.

 

Do not let him intimidate you, or sweet talk you, into talking to him again. You can't believe anything he tells you.

[Angel1111]

This guy is F**KED in the head, it's more than a drinking and drug problem...

 

Told ya.

 

(Not you, whichway - just speaking generally)

 

This has got nothing to do with drinking or drugs - he's a psychotic abuser. Drinking and drugs only enhance his already charming personality.

 

What a COMPLETE, 100% GRADE-A, TOTAL, CERTIFIED NUTCASE.

 

Confused, he's doing exactly as I predicted....only worse. Throwing a woman in the mix, making sure you know about it, telling her that you've been broken up for a long time but you won't leave him alone, texting while he's on vacation with her....it's really amazing. And so predictable.

 

Ok, five simple words: This boy is MESSED UP.

 

Yes, he is really messed up. But I think you worry me more when you say things like you 'dared' to ignore him, or that it's hard for you not to call him. I think it's time to get some perspective here and realized that he has crossed a line and this relationship is very much over. Maybe harsh words to hear but how can you go back now, after this? Put your emotions aside and stop letting them control you, and stop letting those emotions dig this hole any deeper than it already is. This is the biggest downfall of women, especially in these kinds of circumstances, they let their emotions run them and it is absolutely their biggest mistake. It is a fatal error.

 

This guy is playing with your emotions like a puppet on a string - one minute tugging at your heart, the next jerking you around like a rag doll, then horrifying you with threats. He's really a piece of work. And everone else sitting back reading this is probably about to jump out of their chair in total disbelief that you would carry on more than 2 seconds worth of conversation with this idiot. Try to see this from a logical standpoint and forget about what he says to you or what he has said for the last 3 yrs. All the sweet talk is just another form of abuse. It's the bait on the hook in order to get you to bite. And when you do bite, he'll reel you in and slowly kill you. You must believe that because it's true, and because he's going to destroy you if you keep playing this game with him. It doesn't matter if he loves you to the ends of the earth - he is seriously screwed up and he'll drag you down with him if you let him.

 

It doesn't matter if you answer the phone by accident or not, nothing is making you stay on the line, and nothing is stopping you from hanging up. You are not a victim here and you need to stop acting like one. If Numbskull needs to be told that this relationship is over with at this point, he really is seriously clueless. I wouldn't utter one more word to him ever again. You may feel bad about it, you may be asking lots of 'whys', you may wonder why things turn out this way....on and on.....but don't waste your time or energy on those things now - it'll only keep you engaged in this game.

 

Going to stay with a friend or family member is a great idea and if I were you, I'd be pursuing that right away. If no one knows this is going on, you're just putting yourself deeper in danger. Stop being secretive with everyone and expose him for who he is. Your family and friends can't help you if they don't know what's going on. And it would also be a good idea to contact the police. They will occasionally do drive-bys and make sure you're ok.

 

Please don't give your time, devotion and attention to a guy who's primary goal is to hurt you. If you didn't believe me before, I hope you can see it now. You are the object, the sweet talk is the bait, and the bait is poison. No matter what you do, don't ever forget that.

[Angel1111]

...and one more thing, you need to get your phone number(s) changed and unlisted. That will put a huge damper on his games.

[confused999]

I did believe you Angel, I just didn't... couldn't... imagine it could be like this. So you think his saying "you better hurry" was a threat? I mean I took it as some kind of threat, but I don't know what kind he's talking about. There is no going back, I'm completely aware of that. That's the one blessing out of his behavior lately, that I do realize there is no going back. I am scared of him. If I let him sweet talk me into meeting up with him I think he'd try to get me alone and who knows what he'd do then.

 

Reel me in and kill me? You mean just utterly destroy my self-esteem (what's left of it - ha)? He's said in the past that when he gets retribution (which he said he always does) he waits so the person is surprised and doesn't necessarily know it was him that got them. He was talking about friends, co-workers. I don't know if he'd do that to me, other than try to contact me and charm me in some way to feed his ego.

 

How on earth did he get this woman to call me back and say she's didn't sleep with him, etc? I understand your saying stop asking why... how... but it's just so cruel.

 

I won't respond to any contact from him, even though I'm scared it'll make him more angry. He's kind of chicken too, he doesn't like putting himself in situations where he can be rejected; his ego can't stand rejection of any sort -- even from people he cares little about. So I think I have that going for me.

[Angel1111]

You have exactly that going for you. There's nothing worse to these men than to be ignored. It's like making them disappear....from themselves. By killing you, I meant that, yes, he'll kill your spirit and you'll forget yourself. And the threat is somewhere in there if you felt like you 'dared' to ignore him. If you feel that way, then you feel threatened.

 

As far as this other woman, I'm guessing that he made her think that YOU were harassing HIM and who knows why she was dumb enough to call you like that. Totally ridiculous. I thought maybe the whole thing was a ploy - you know, fabricated - but then he'd have to make up the whole trip and everything. So I think it's doubtful. No, I think this woman has bought into his lies also.

 

That stuff he told you about retribution, it applies to you more than anyone. Those people were just acquaintences, you were a romantic relationship - big difference and believe me he'll be back and he'll try every trick in the book. And if he cons you back in, he'll make these currents tricks look like child's play. Just stay away from him forever. That's the only way to win.

 

I dated a guy that used to brag about the rotten stuff he did to people and after dating him for only 3 weeks, I broke up with him. When I did that, he went completely nuts. Not only that, but I had once called him from my ex-husband's brother's house, and he had once visited my sister and her husband at their house. During that time, he got my sister's address, and my ex-husband's brother's address (from the caller ID) and wrote these long letters about me - all lies - and about how he was going to take my son away from me. My ex husband (my son's dad) was amused about the whole thing once he believed my son and I were safe, my sister had the letter in her hand when I walked up to her house and she said she was literally shaking.

 

Talk about a complete nutcase. I'd never met anyone like that in my life. I did call the cops and got some good advice from them. The first week he left screaming messages, cursing at me, all that stuff and I was terrified. The following week, I got mad - and that's when things changed. He never saw me coming and he backed off really fast. But I can assure you he had done the same thing to lots of women before me and I'm sure he scared them to death too. Some men just get a real thrill out of controlling and hurting women. It's really sad but that's just who they are.

 

One thing I learned is that these guys want your attention more than anything - that's what a female cop told me. She said it can be negative or positive attention, it doesn't matter. They just want your attention. So you xbf may get mad but it doesn't matter. There's nothing you can do to make it better - and continuing to communicate with him will not make things better.

 

If he's leaving threatening messages, keep them and let the police listen to them. They can't totally protect you but don't underestimate how terrified these types of guys are of the law. They will avoid it like a plague. If he has any inkling that he can get in trouble with the law, he will back off.

 

Seriously, change your phone numbers. There's nothing like dialing a number that is no longer in service to send a very clear message.

[Walk]

I'm scared to threaten him with the police, because I'm afraid of his retaliation

 

I think it'd be wise to call the police anyway, and just document this guys behavior. Also, like Angel was saying, they might have some good ideas on best ways to handle the situation without putting yourself more in harms way.

 

They also might be able to point you to some good resources that you could research on your own on how best to handle this.

 

I still think it'd be best if you informed your family and close friends about how your exbf is acting. That would take some of his control away, and also gives your family members a heads up if this guy does call them, or stops by. They might not know just how unstable he is, and it could put them in danger too.

[confused999]

I've talked to friends and family... family thinks this is all a bit much and seem wary, but my friends, who I've confided in all along about this relationship, while shocked at the latest, are all like "SEE-- he's NO GOOD." And I will change my phone numbers -- thanks for the suggestions about having people call before coming by, etc.

 

Why does he need me to torture if he has this other woman, who seems to be right in there with his games -- won't just moving on to her, dating others, sleeping with others be enough? Why is attention from me so significant? Especially considering his behavior isn't really about ME -- his whole interest in me was never about me, I'm just an object in his world to control and so on.

 

I really appreciate all your advice, it's been incredibly helpful hearing what you say will happen and then watching it happen... really amazingly helpful in a sad way.

[Tryng2Trust08]

Im sorry you're going through this Im new here, so this is the first post from you that Im reading. It's going to be hard for you to break up with your BF, but you HAVE to. You need to take care of yourself. It will be hard at first, but everyday will get better, then week to week will get better. I have high hopes for you and you really deserve happiness!

[confused999]

Thank you Trying2trust, I appreciate it -- good luck to you too, I read your post as well.

 

I'm still having a hard time seeing that when he said "you better hurry" regarding needing to think about whether or not I'll see him again was a threat. Am I in that much denial?

 

Don't worry, I'm not going to see him, I'm not rationalizing a way to make this all ok... I'm trying to do as Angel said and be logical -- it's still very hard to match the guy I thought I was with to this negative behavior.

[confused999]

...believe me he'll be back and he'll try every trick in the book. And if he cons you back in, he'll make these currents tricks look like child's play.

 

I dated a guy that used to brag about the rotten stuff he did to people and after dating him for only 3 weeks, I broke up with him. When I did that, he went completely nuts. Not only that, but I had once called him from my ex-husband's brother's house, and he had once visited my sister and her husband at their house. During that time, he got my sister's address, and my ex-husband's brother's address (from the caller ID) and wrote these long letters about me - all lies - and about how he was going to take my son away from me. My ex husband (my son's dad) was amused about the whole thing once he believed my son and I were safe, my sister had the letter in her hand when I walked up to her house and she said she was literally shaking.

 

Talk about a complete nutcase. I'd never met anyone like that in my life. I did call the cops and got some good advice from them. The first week he left screaming messages, cursing at me, all that stuff and I was terrified. The following week, I got mad - and that's when things changed. He never saw me coming and he backed off really fast. But I can assure you he had done the same thing to lots of women before me and I'm sure he scared them to death too. Some men just get a real thrill out of controlling and hurting women. It's really sad but that's just who they are.

 

Thanks for sharing this Angel, what a strange thing that that guy you dated would be SOOO angry he'd go to all the trouble of tracking down addresses, writing 2 letters, etc after just 3 weeks of dating you. I guess that's the condensed version of this guy I'm dealing with... haha! You were so smart to see the signs and bail immediately.

 

What you said about these guys seeking ANY attention, good or bad, makes some sense. I guess if he thinks I love him or I hate him it is all the same to him, he has my attention... but if I'm indifferent toward him (NC) it means to him that he's a big zero and I know it, and that's what he works so hard to avoid. I'm glad I handled the last conversation I had with him the way I did -- I was basically indifferent to all his accusations, call to my family, attempts at charming me, and definately not at all emotional. After I ended it saying I need to think things through before deciding to get together, he texted a little bit later "this is just another example of how you always get what you want." Which of course I was like, "HUH?" to myself...how ridiculous, what is he talking about?!?!?! I never responded.

 

YIKES!

[Tryng2Trust08]

Thank you Trying2trust, I appreciate it -- good luck to you too, I read your post as well.

 

I'm still having a hard time seeing that when he said "you better hurry" regarding needing to think about whether or not I'll see him again was a threat. Am I in that much denial?

 

Don't worry, I'm not going to see him, I'm not rationalizing a way to make this all ok... I'm trying to do as Angel said and be logical -- it's still very hard to match the guy I thought I was with to this negative behavior.

 

You can be in denial, but it would be completely normal, dont be so hard on yourself either. My ex was feeding me lie after lie and I bought into them. I never wanted to believe he was cheating on me, so it was easier to believe his lies and let him manipulate him. He wore me down to almost nothing until one day I decided that this is my life and he will never get me down again, it just is not worth it. There are many guys out there that will treat you right, or really being single is a wonderful thing.

You sound like you're very caring and you're just trying to do the right thing. But he has been verbally abusive towards you, you cannot acept this behavior any longer. It is abuse and you need to take care of yourself. This is your life and you deserve soo much better. Just keep telling yourself these things, talk to your friends and family. When you feel like contacting him call a friend. The more you contact him and allow him to contact you the worse you are going to feel about this. I use to think of it like this....the more I would talk to my ex(husband at the time) the more down it got me and I wanted to just be happy. I hope this makes sense...