Here I am Again: BF Tests me, Verbally Abusive...

[confused999]

Well since last week when my BF ranted at me and left one morning saying "there are no guarantees" in this relationship I maintained LC. I only answered his texts, and just one or 2 word replies. I kept myself busy all weekend - so Sunday he asked to come over, bringing some dinner. I said sure, but I'm not feeling too well... drank too much the night before. He was a little angry about that, he said I should've planned ahead to see him Sunday and not of drank so much. Anyway, we had a nice evening, he was very affectionate and sweet during the night.

 

This morning he left and said he might not come by tonight, he has this and that to do. So I asked about tomorrow night. He said "ok, maybe, we'll see." The thing is, we had a trip planned this week and he took the rest of the week off. I have been waiting for him to bring it up, but he hasn't. I know he hasn't cancelled the reservations, so now I'm wondering what's happening. Is he going with someone else?

 

How do I handle this? I don't want to confront him and get emotional, or push him away, but of course if he goes without me I want to know what's going on. He's left his things at my place.

 

Is this part of the verbal abuser's mind game? Oh, during the night he cuddled with me and said "you're my little shadow..." I didn't respond (he talks in his sleep) so he said it again and said "did you hear me, you're my little shadow" very sweet like that was some compliment. I don't know why I add this here, but it's sticking in my head, because maybe it goes along with his idea (according to what many of you have said, especially Angel) that he can do as he wants and he thinks I'll always stick around.

 

I don't know how to deal with this, this is very odd and I need advice, please.

[xpaperxcutx]

Break up with him already if you're sick and tired of his games. You can analyze and analyze but you will never fully understand why he does certain things. Neither can you expect him to change his behaviour towards you.

 

Furthermore, it's only obvious for me to tell you that you need to get him out of your life as soon as possible, end it with no strings attached. Tell him to get his stuff and never call you again. His behaviour is absolutely repulsive and you continue to put up with it. If you can't respect yourself then you can't expect him to respect you.

[confused999]

Yes, that's what I need to hear, and apparently I need to hear it over and over and over again. Thanks!

[xpaperxcutx]

Yes, that's what I need to hear, and apparently I need to hear it over and over and over again. Thanks!

 

Yes, you have to hear that. I know that in a way you came here for a reason to justify his actions and expect people to be more understanding and sugarcoat the truth from you. But we are understanding, understanding enough to tell you that you deserve to be treated better than how he's treating you now. I've seen some people put up with certain abuses of which I can't pity or empathize because they chose to remain in the relationship in hopes that things will turn around. They're all in denial. The people who choose to leave are the brave ones, because they know their selfworth and know that they don't need an abusive mean to define themselves.

[Walk]

I wouldn't take the "my little shadow" as a compliment. It might be cute once. The second time it's creepy, the third, fourth, etc. times it becomes insulting.

 

You aren't someone's shadow. You're YOU. A wonderful woman with a great head on her shoulders.

 

I don't think it's wise to talk to him about the vacation. I don't think he's quite right in the head, and its best not to antagonize unstable people. Seriously though, if he's doing coke, irresponsible about work, semi-broken up with you, and whatever else... then the last thing you should be concerned about is a vacation with him. You really deserve to find someone who's going to treat you with respect.

 

On a side note though: who paid for the vacation (him, you, both)?

[Lizzie60]

This guy is controlling.. Methink nothing is cancelled.. he just want to play his little mind games.. and make you nervous ... just move on.. he's an immature jerk.. you're wasting your time.. it can take a long time before he mature.. and he might never get there..

[confused999]

I wouldn't take the "my little shadow" as a compliment. It might be cute once. The second time it's creepy, the third, fourth, etc. times it becomes insulting.

 

You aren't someone's shadow. You're YOU. A wonderful woman with a great head on her shoulders.

 

I don't think it's wise to talk to him about the vacation. I don't think he's quite right in the head, and its best not to antagonize unstable people. Seriously though, if he's doing coke, irresponsible about work, semi-broken up with you, and whatever else... then the last thing you should be concerned about is a vacation with him. You really deserve to find someone who's going to treat you with respect.

 

On a side note though: who paid for the vacation (him, you, both)?

 

Yes, that "shadow" comment/cuddle struck me as odd... and he really wanted me to hear it, like he was being passive-aggressive and would sadistically enjoy it if I took it as endearing.

 

He paid for the reservations, I have bought things for the trip. I made a mistake in my original post, we're supposed to go NEXT week, but he's taking the rest of THIS week off and changed the reservations to this week. He doesn't know I know these things. Is he planning on going without me (with someone else?) and then just texting back and forth and saying he's busy working or something?

[Walk]

Yes, that "shadow" comment/cuddle struck me as odd... and he really wanted me to hear it, like he was being passive-aggressive and would sadistically enjoy it if I took it as endearing.

 

He paid for the reservations, I have bought things for the trip. I made a mistake in my original post, we're supposed to go NEXT week, but he's taking the rest of THIS week off and changed the reservations to this week. He doesn't know I know these things. Is he planning on going without me (with someone else?) and then just texting back and forth and saying he's busy working or something?

 

Yeah... I think you're on track with him going without you. It'd be strickly a guess on my part if he's taking someone else or not. But.. if he was planning on taking you, then he wouldn't have changed reservations without mentioning it at least casually to you.

 

I'd be really hurt if my SO did something like that to me. Especially after a couple years of dating. (think you said 2 years, right?)

 

Why do you want to continue a relationship with him? Or.... what do you get from this relationship that makes you want to continue putting in effort for it? If I were in your shoes, I'd be seriously questioning what I was getting from the relationship that made it worth my while. And if I didn't come up with some superb answers, I'd end the relationship.

[confused999]

Yeah... I think you're on track with him going without you. It'd be strickly a guess on my part if he's taking someone else or not. But.. if he was planning on taking you, then he wouldn't have changed reservations without mentioning it at least casually to you.

 

I'd be really hurt if my SO did something like that to me. Especially after a couple years of dating. (think you said 2 years, right?)

 

Why do you want to continue a relationship with him? Or.... what do you get from this relationship that makes you want to continue putting in effort for it? If I were in your shoes, I'd be seriously questioning what I was getting from the relationship that made it worth my while. And if I didn't come up with some superb answers, I'd end the relationship.

 

yes I believe this is the last straw for me... which might be what he wants. But according to what people have been telling me (thanks, it's been GREAT advice!) and the websites on abuse I've been looking at, and the fact he's been around and leaving his stuff at my place, etc., he might be setting up some more drama. He'll certainly expect me to be texting and calling and expecting to see him... does he want a big blow up when he returns?

 

How on earth should I handle this?

[xpaperxcutx]

yes I believe this is the last straw for me... which might be what he wants. But according to what people have been telling me (thanks, it's been GREAT advice!) and the websites on abuse I've been looking at, and the fact he's been around and leaving his stuff at my place, etc., he might be setting up some more drama. He'll certainly expect me to be texting and calling and expecting to see him... does he want a big blow up when he returns?

 

How on earth should I handle this?

 

Leave his stuff in a box outside your door. If he drops by, don't answer him. He should get the point.

[confused999]

At this point, I'm thinking leaving his stuff outside is a great idea! So immature though... how can our relationship be reduced to this?

[whichwayisup]

Confused, your boyfriend is a coke addict and his behaviour, his moods will continue to get worse and worse. The guy you fell inlove with at the beginning of your relationship is gone. The guy who has replaced him is a selfish cruel person who thinks of himself first and doesn't care about ANYONE but himself. If he truly loved you, he would be continually making the effort to change his behaviour. Alot of this IS the drug problem he has and I do hope in time you DO realize he WILL NOT CHANGE until he gets help and can kick this drug habit, and do more counselling.

 

Your relationship is reduced to this because HE IS ON DRUGS and that comes first.

[Angel1111]

Yes, that "shadow" comment/cuddle struck me as odd... and he really wanted me to hear it, like he was being passive-aggressive and would sadistically enjoy it if I took it as endearing.

 

He paid for the reservations, I have bought things for the trip. I made a mistake in my original post, we're supposed to go NEXT week, but he's taking the rest of THIS week off and changed the reservations to this week. He doesn't know I know these things. Is he planning on going without me (with someone else?) and then just texting back and forth and saying he's busy working or something?

 

His 'little shadow' - what on earth does that even mean??? What an idiot. The last straw should've been when he told you he slept with another woman. First of all, whether he actually did or not is immaterial - he went there in making the statement or threat and that's all you need to know. The other last straw should've been his 'no guarantees' remark. BTW, very typical of him to get angry that you didn't monitor yourself from the night before without first considering how it might affect HIM. Too much! Confused, I thought you already knew that the world revolves around him - must we go over this again?

 

Ok and now this with the vacation? This really is too much. Yes, I think he's going with someone else and he is arrogant enough to think that he should be allowed to have his little fling while you sit around and wait for him.

 

I've asked this before but I need to ask it again - does he have a key to your apartment? If so, have the apt manager change the locks. Don't even waste your time asking him to return the key because he could've had a duplicate made.

 

So here's the scenario he's probably hoping for, with a lot of high drama if he's lucky. He cheats on you, lies about the vacation, you find out about it and blow up, he goes to new girl's place and this will be something along the lines of what he tells her: "Oh, it's getting so bad and she is SO pissed, even though I broke up with her two weeks ago. She just can't accept it. I feel bad for her but she follows me around so much that I call her my little shadow." New gf laughs at how desireable he is that women can't let go of him and how honored she feels to be his new chosen one. "I'm not kidding - you can ask her....oh wait, that's her calling me now. Watch this....hello little shadow."

 

Sound about right?

 

Yes, it's sad that some relationships come to this but you can't seriously think that behavior you might deem as immature, comes anywhere close to the crap he's been pulling. He's about to knock you sideways and you're worried about immaturity? He's lucky you don't set his things on fire on top of his car. And if I thought it would do any good, I'd advise you to do that. Now if you did that with HIM in the car, you may be on to something....

[confused999]

God, wow what if this is really happening?!? How can he be so cruel? He has said things in the past to me along the lines of "just be happy I'm with you now", which reminds me of how you described his new gf reacting to what he says about me, his little shadow.

 

But if he has someone else, why continue with me? Because the drama and my willingness to let it happen feeds his ego, like you've explained. What a mean, horrible man. I want to make him HURT so bad!

[xpaperxcutx]

God, wow what if this is really happening?!? How can he be so cruel? He has said things in the past to me along the lines of "just be happy I'm with you now", which reminds me of how you described his new gf reacting to what he says about me, his little shadow.

 

But if he has someone else, why continue with me? Because the drama and my willingness to let it happen feeds his ego, like you've explained. What a mean, horrible man. I want to make him HURT so bad!

 

Confused, like I've written before you can analyze all you want, but that'll just mean you're trying to justify his actions. Don't wait for him to break up with you, just tell him that it's over and get it done with. You need to learn NC and try to move forward with your life instead of dealing with all these unwanted drama.

[confused999]

True, I'll never understand. And no Angel, he doesn't have a key. One teeny tiny blessing I suppose.

 

I feel like I'm in bits and pieces. I cannot believe I've let this happen to me. What a fool.

[Angel1111]

God, wow what if this is really happening?!? How can he be so cruel? He has said things in the past to me along the lines of "just be happy I'm with you now", which reminds me of how you described his new gf reacting to what he says about me, his little shadow.

 

But if he has someone else, why continue with me? Because the drama and my willingness to let it happen feeds his ego, like you've explained. What a mean, horrible man. I want to make him HURT so bad!

 

If this is actually what he's doing - which would be my guess because I doubt he suddenly decided to go on vacation by himself in order to practice the art of silence - he's doing it because he can. He can be cruel because that's his nature and because he's ultimately cold inside. He's doing it because he got into fear that you just might actually leave him (with good reason) and abusers cannot stand to be left. So he went out and found a back-up girl and she's hanging around trying to figure out why he's distant and then close, and you're trying to figure out all the 'whys', and he's got you both hopping. He continues with you because the jury is still out on the new girl as to whether she'll put up with his crap, also. You're 50/50 because he knows you're wearing down but he's still unsure as to which direction you'll go. He's unsure about the new girl because he has to start out slowly wth her, just as he did with you.

 

But if you cave in and decide to stay with him, he'll most likely keep the new girl on the side for safety purposes and to throw back in your face every now and then. In his sick mind, this gives him even more power over you because you've already demonstrated a willingness to stay (and don't tell me about how mad you got or what you said to him - I'm talking about your actions) - and your willingness to stay has given him the upper hand. And, to give him credit, he's precisely right in his judgement of character and human behavior. These guys are superior at it. His "just be happy I'm with you now" comment is just one more example of how you have proven your willingness to stay in the face of his condescension and arrogance, not to mention the subtle threat about how you should cherish these special moments with him because he may not always be around.

 

But it's the wild cards - the potential for things falling apart - that he has to account for because he knows that his behavior is bad enough to make you leave, or make new girl leave, or anyone else for that matter. So it's the wild cards that he has to account and plan for, because he cannot and will not alter his behavior.

 

The truth is, it doesn't matter if he's a saint and goes to church every night to kiss Mary's feet. This man has you guessing and questioning all over the place and that's all you really need to know. You do not need hard evidence to know that you need to get out of a situation where you find yourself asking 'why?' all the time, or having to wonder if he meant it when he said he cheated, or any of the other crap that comes out of his mouth. His arrogance and condescending manner is a deal-breaker. This guessing game is a deal-breaker. Period. Stop playing the game with him. And stop trying to figure out what you did wrong and what you can do to fix it. YOU CANNOT FIX IT AND YOU CANNOT WIN - NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. NOT EVER.

[confused999]

But if you cave in and decide to stay with him, he'll most likely keep the new girl on the side for safety purposes and to throw back in your face every now and then. In his sick mind, this gives him even more power over you because you've already demonstrated a willingness to stay (and don't tell me about how mad you got or what you said to him - I'm talking about your actions) - and your willingness to stay has given him the upper hand. And, to give him credit, he's precisely right in his judgement of character and human behavior. These guys are superior at it. His "just be happy I'm with you now" comment is just one more example of how you have proven your willingness to stay in the face of his condescension and arrogance, not to mention the subtle threat about how you should cherish these special moments with him because he may not always be around.

 

YOU CANNOT FIX IT AND YOU CANNOT WIN - NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. NOT EVER.

 

I see that what you are saying is 110% true. I am sitting here amazed that he's off with another woman for 4 days. Did he move the reservations up a week because of her schedule or because he just needed to get away because of all the crap he pulled at work and he's exploding inside, and she just took time off from work to accomodate him? Probably the latter, because I know how impulsive he is, and because that's what I'd try to do in the past. I'm asking myself these questions not to come to some kind of rationalization of his behaviour, but to make myself see the pattern of the type of women he picks.

 

I KNOW he expects me to call him, I bet he was surprised I didn't call last night. So is he going to check his phone all week wondering why I haven't called? How will that effect his behaviour with her? Then when he's done with this little trip, will he eventually call me to find out why I haven't called him? If so, will he dare get mad at me for not calling all week and use that as an excuse to cover up where he was since he disappeared?

 

At this moment I want to do the things that will hurt and anger him the most. I want to ruin his plan. I want to take all his power and spew it in his face.

 

Part of me wants to call as I typically would and see if he answers, what his excuse is for not seeing me, etc. And then be GONE, complete NC when he comes back thinking everything is fine with me, he has me under his control as usual.

 

Is that wrong?

[quankanne]

what you feel is not wrong, it's a very, very human response. The smart thing to do is not act on those feelings, because ... well, because they only bind you more tightly to him. What will be the biggest sign that you're still involved? Responding to those hurtful little things (and the big ones, too) that he does. You ask, "how can our relationship be reduced to this?"

 

easy. When it's not really a relationship but some kind of sick co-dependency where he needs to do things to hurt you and you need to respond out of that hurt. That's not healthy. For ANYone.

 

you can just walk away and start moving toward a healthier state of being, or you can get sucked into what will amount to a self-induced drama because you refuse to keep away from this guy.

 

do you really want your relationship with him to be reduced to you always getting sucked in, or do you want to declare your independence? Only you can judge this, for whatever reasons.

 

however, you sound like a strong gal who can cut this cancerous growth out of your life (and lose 150 pounds in the process, lol) ...

[confused999]

what you feel is not wrong, it's a very, very human response. The smart thing to do is not act on those feelings, because ... well, because they only bind you more tightly to him. What will be the biggest sign that you're still involved? Responding to those hurtful little things (and the big ones, too) that he does. You ask, "how can our relationship be reduced to this?"

 

easy. When it's not really a relationship but some kind of sick co-dependency where he needs to do things to hurt you and you need to respond out of that hurt. That's not healthy. For ANYone.

 

you can just walk away and start moving toward a healthier state of being, or you can get sucked into what will amount to a self-induced drama because you refuse to keep away from this guy.

 

do you really want your relationship with him to be reduced to you always getting sucked in, or do you want to declare your independence? Only you can judge this, for whatever reasons.

 

however, you sound like a strong gal who can cut this cancerous growth out of your life (and lose 150 pounds in the process, lol) ...

 

Yes, you're right, I don't want to react emotionally to this drama he's setting up, which he obviously is. But I kind of want him to lie to me (he thinks I think he's at work as usual and "our" trip is next week) just to see him do it, when I totally know he's doing it. Kind of like closure for me. I don't want to see him again, I don't even want a confrontation about this woman, this trip, etc. I just want to hear him lie (read, actually, via text). Then our last communication will be him lying, and he'll always wonder if I knew.

[Angel1111]

I KNOW he expects me to call him, I bet he was surprised I didn't call last night. So is he going to check his phone all week wondering why I haven't called? How will that effect his behaviour with her? Then when he's done with this little trip, will he eventually call me to find out why I haven't called him? If so, will he dare get mad at me for not calling all week and use that as an excuse to cover up where he was since he disappeared?

 

At this moment I want to do the things that will hurt and anger him the most. I want to ruin his plan. I want to take all his power and spew it in his face.

 

Part of me wants to call as I typically would and see if he answers, what his excuse is for not seeing me, etc. And then be GONE, complete NC when he comes back thinking everything is fine with me, he has me under his control as usual.

 

Is that wrong?

 

I'm curious as to why he considers it YOUR job to call HIM. What's up with that - did he break his fingers? I hope that you don't pick up that phone for any reason whatsoever. The only reason I would call him at all is to tell him it's over. But I think it would be better to wait until he decides to take the time to pick up the phone to talk to you.

 

Yeah, it wouldn't hurt to cause him pain. The truth is, he is his own worst enemy so you really don't have go out of your way to do that, he'll do all the work for you. Doing nothing, and remaining silent, is the absolute worst torture to these men. Because his imagination runs wild with thinking about all the stuff HE would be doing and he'll start to think that you're doing it. So let him shoot himself, so to speak. Yes, he is already wondering why you didn't call him last night, and the wheels are slowly starting to grind in his head wondering if something is going on. But he's still way too confident to get too worried. In a few days, full-blown alarm bells will be going off in his head.

 

If you really do plan to break up with him, I wouldn't mention one word about this vacation or anything else specific. If you give him reasons why you're doing it, he'll just take it as an opportunity to negotiate with you, lie to you, or justify his actions. Just tell him something along these lines - that for a long time now you haven't liked the way he treats you and speaks to you and that you feel it's best to end it. This gives him little room for movement and it totally empowers you. He will be completely taken back that you didn't find him out and that you're not in an emotional rage, or that something else in particular didn't piss you off. General statements make them nuts. And don't let him argue, suck you into a discussion, anything. If you show emotion, he'll see it as an opportunity to go in for the kill. It's best to have this conversation with him over the phone so that you can get your point across and disconnect the conversation at will. If he wants to continue discussing it with you, then repeat that you're breaking up with him, ask him if he understands this (like he's too stupid to get it) and then tell him bye and hang up. Pain for him, empowerment for you. This is as close to winning as you'll ever get with this guy.

 

If he brings up the trip that you're supposed to go on with him (the one he changed but didn't bother to inform you), just say, "Oh, I'm sure you can find someone else to go with." If he says that he already has, then say, "Well, good then we're agreed this is over," and hang up. Do not let him get to you and do not get emotional if you can help it.

 

Whether it happens in the next few hours or next few months, be prepared for him to beg, plead, and charm you like never before. But I can warn you ahead of time, none of it will last and none of it is real so don't bother being flattered by it. Start looking at his charm and sweetness as the sharp, jagged lure designed to hook you, drag you ashore, and leave you gasping for air.

[elizabeth26]

that does not sound good. It sounds like he has some growing up to do, and you really can't tolerate that behavior because it just gets worse. I was in a similar situation this guy was a control freak but thought he was sneaky about it, it never ends well, I would tell him point blank when he says he doesn't know if he wants to be with you, to leave. The only time it seems like the personal growth happens is when you stop seeing that person for awhile.

[confused999]

Okay, you're right. If I call him now, whether he ignores me, lies, or whatever, I'm still giving him some sort of satisfaction. I'll just have to count on the slow-burn killing him. (I wish! haha)

 

I suppose part of the kick he'd get out of this whole thing would be me expecting our trip next week and HIS getting to tell me it's cancelled for whatever HIS reasons are. So you're right Angel, I shouldn't even bring it up. That will really shock the s*&t out of him. In fact, thinking about it now, I gave him this ammunition because when he told me when we were going on it the weekend before this last weekend (yes -- told me, as he does) I pointed out how he always chooses when/where etc and I have to run around accomodating him. So he knew it was on my mind and now he's trying to triple-screw me -- going without me a week early, going with another woman, and messing up my work week. Is that an example of how if I stand up for myself in any little way he works overtime to squash me down and regain control of me?

[confused999]

that does not sound good. It sounds like he has some growing up to do, and you really can't tolerate that behavior because it just gets worse. I was in a similar situation this guy was a control freak but thought he was sneaky about it, it never ends well, I would tell him point blank when he says he doesn't know if he wants to be with you, to leave. The only time it seems like the personal growth happens is when you stop seeing that person for awhile.

 

How did it end with him?

[quankanne]

I'm still giving him some sort of satisfaction.

 

exactly! Which is why your best bet is to just cut him off, cold turkey. You're going to catch him in a lie regardless, because his little lying lips flap, don't they?

 

seriously though, you can make a classy exit by just walking away now, instead of being sucked into his bullsxht and lowered to his level. Believe me, you'll get much more satisfaction this way than if you kept playing his game in the hopes of outwitting him. Why bother? This man doesn't sound like he even deserves a girl like you!

 

as for revenge, you can always find a voodoo doll and start poking it with sharp objects.