Eyeofthoth Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I guess in the first case, both parties are thinking and acknowledging that maybe down the line they will get back together, whereas in the second, at least one party believes that it is over for good. My ex of 2 months did not want to call it a "break-up." He wanted it to be a "trial separation." However, the trial separation was because he was having unresolved feelings for an ex. He wanted to stay in contact with me as friends, since I was his "best friend" and also he was still "very attracted" to me. Personally, and I told him this, I think it was at lest 50% my fault that the feelings for the ex crept back in, because I was not 100% in the relationship, due to some personal issues I was having (see the rest of my story under "second chances" if interested.) Of course, since he did start seeing the ex, staying friends could not work for me at all. He acknowledged that he knew it couldn't and said he felt just horrible because he wanted to support me through our break-up as a friend, which of course he could not do, since he was the cause. We have talked a couple of times since, and he was the last to call me. He just called to thank me for something I had sent him though, not like a "pursuit" call. Still, he called twice, left a message once, and then called again to make sure he got me in person. Are we on a "break" or did we "break-up?" I know it all depends on whether or not he ends up permanently back with the ex he is now seeing, but . . . I feel 100% certain that he still loved me. I want to contact him, because if I don't, then we can't possibly get back together because he will assume that I am too hurt to talk to him. I have done N/C for a month. Don't want to do it anymore, even though I am moving on and dating other people, I want to talk to him. . .
0hpenelope Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Mm... The difference is one has "-up" after it. I guess the only way to find out if you can do LC is if you do it. You say you want to talk to him, so you're not really going to fight that. And then if him being with his new relationship bothers you enough, NC will always be there for you. Evaluate, evaluate. It's such a confusing process.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 Thanks -- I think you are right. I can only try and see how it goes. Are there general rules for LC? I asked this under another post, and obviously everything is case by case, and as you said, evaluate, evaluate . . . Just looking for pointers from others who have tried this or thought this through more. This is so new for me. I have never, never wanted to contact a former BF! Regardless of who initiated the break.
0hpenelope Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I would say go with your gut? I think we're pretty good at feeling things out when things don't feel right, you know? If the gut says "Ooops, I'm getting too attached again, I need to lay low for a few days," then do it. No questions asked. The brain messes up what we need to do when we start evaluating. But I saw you responded to TrialbyFire's post about LC. That's really good. I would follow those guidelines first and then feel out what I need to do for myself. TbF's list is a good start. BTW, I'm coming from a perspective who has never done LC and has decided for myself that I won't ever do LC at all. Just so you know where I'm coming from. I don't have experience with LC, but I hope that good things will come out from your attempts.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Update - After over a month of NC I called his cell last night and he didn't pick up. I was upset because I had an image of him staring at the ringing phone, seeing it was me, and deciding not to answer. I was so disgusted that I left my cell upstairs and went downstairs for the rest of the night. About two hours later I noticed that he had returned my call less than 5 minutes after I called him. Now here is the part about what a big loser I am: I burst into tears just seeing his name as a "missed call." I was so relieved that he would at least still talk to me. But -- now I feel like I can't call him again. I had too big of an emotional reaction just to his name. Clearly I cannot yet handle his actual voice. So maybe I will send an email. But I'm even scared to do that. He broke up with me! Why would I open myself up to letting him hurt me more? Because big gains sometimes require big risks?
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 No new contacts = no new hurts However, take the risk if your heart is leading you in that direction. You may get your heart broken, but heartbreak is a double edged blade: the cut that wounds you is also the cut that frees you from the bonds of unrequited love. Perhaps this is what it will take to help you get past this.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Yes. I think I am going to wait a few days and then send him an email telling him that I really want to keep him as a friend, but that I am not yet ready for any long conversations because I still miss him too much. It is just a way of reopening light contact. I know he may tell me that he is engaged, has eloped, whatever. That would hurt like hell, but at the same time, it would help me to move on.
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