wildsoul Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Need to do a check in. Still in the big time withdrawals. Hoping to have a better day today. Recovering is one hour at a time for me still. LAST NIGHT: I got short angry email from xMM. It said, "You suck, but not me. Missing that." Ewww! I didn't respond to it. Instead, I called a friend to pass the time of feeling reactionary. I didn't sleep well. In a thread from yesterday, I mentioned how I had discovered 2 sex ads of his on Craigslist seeking my replacement. That was bothering me still, because thinking of it woke me up around 2am and I tossed and turned with upset (usually a sound sleeper.) Exhausting. THE DREAM: Upon waking, I was wet with tears. Finally, I had fallen asleep because I was coming out of a vivid nightmare. In the dream, I was confronting him about publishing online writings that included mention of sexual things we had done, announcing that he was leaving me, and also mention of at least one other woman who was in the same situation with him. I was angry that he wasn't being straight with me. Keeping me on the hook. Not letting me see the crass nature of how he viewed our R. (Which is how I felt upon seeing those sexual ads--did he just see me as a piece of ass?) Then the dream scene changes to an operating room. He is my surgeon. He cut a huge chunk of muscle and skin off of my chest. He then left the cavity open while he got distracted talking to other doctors. I tried to get help and attention, worried that my skin would be damaged. Along with a couple other doctors nearby, he haphazardly started stitching my skin back over my chest. He was doing a very sloppy job; it was going to leave very ugly scars. I tried to get a nurse to help smooth it out. I remember thinking that none of them were doing a good job, and that maybe I could heal the remaining scars on my own. I woke with tears and an aching heart. I was so relieved my chest wasn't really cut open. No visible scars, anyway. THIS MORNING: Another angry email from him: Off limits zones. 15 miles is my new minimum distance from your [crude name for body part.] It is the best I can do as I plan on being in [my city] often, every season. No worries though, as I will never again turn up [my street.] Been there, done that, loathed the last experience. Not going to trust you again as long as I require a solid sexual romance without conditions, as I do now. I haven't responded to his email. Probably won't, though it's occurred to me that perhaps I should have an official communication that says he is not welcome here? I don't want to trigger more anger stuff. Maybe it's best to just let it go and call the cops if he shows up unannouced. I'm wondering if there is an answer in my dream. Anyone have feedback? One thing that I see is that the dream is telling me that he can't be my heart doctor. He can't do the job right. I have/had an emotional need for this affair to end sweetly. Partly as I wanted to keep the door open. Partly because I wanted to somehow take the good from this, and move on with minimal regret. But he seems hell bent on being an angry a**hole. The gloves are OFF. Seeing him be so abusive like this is really really really hard on me. His punishment hurts. Letting go of the last shards of hope hurts. But then seeing what a psycho he can be is making me ashamed at my poor judgement. Objectively, I think I would tell someone else that she shouldn't take it so personally, because he made sure she only saw the good side. That it's natural she would fall in love with that good side he showed her. It's not her fault that she didn't see the evil before. Just pick up the pieces and move on. But emotionally, I'm stuck in self-judgement about being victimized (and the emails he's sending now, and the way he was in person last week, ARE abusive.) I fell down, but now the floor has fallen out from under me too. Thoughts? Feedback? I need some centeredness. Still feel the big wound over my heart.
LakesideDream Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 First cut off his ability to contact you. Block his email, or re-direct it to the trash.. he'll never know it happened. Remove him from your IM list. Block him from your telephone (cell is easy, call your phone company for your home phone, they will do it for free). Ditto block any text msg. you have. He's using his ability to communicate with you to hurt and control you. You are encouraging him to do it by answering his emails. Stop doing it. You can also make a nice folder of printed emails to send along to his wife. I gaurentee you he won't be sending you anything else in writing after she receives it. You are allowing and encouraging him to continue this excess. BTW what were you doing looking for him on Craig's list? What's the point? Cut this guy loose. Make it difficult for him to contact you. Take back your privacy. He will continue to attack you as long as you allow it.
jj33 Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 WS so sorry you are going through this. In a perverse way the dream is really good it means that you are processing your fear that he has scarred you forever and the whole plethora of emotions you are going through. The emails are his anger. He is doing everything he can to get a reaction out of you. If he can do that and you can fight at some point one of you then has the ability to say I love you I am sorry... and start the whole vicious cycle over again... If you can bear it, not responding would be the best thing. You know in your heart that this isnt about you. Its about him. He isnt getting what he wants (you) and he is kicking and screaming and carrying on to get your attention. Negative attention is better than no attention. As hurtful as it is. Hope tonite is a better night for you jj and PS dont hesitate to call the cops if he tries to come to your house.
Owl Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I would say that if he sends you anymore harassing emails (I think you'd said that this was a work email which was why you couldn't block him?), you need to forward them on to HR as inappropriate and ask them to block him for you...odds are, he'll get fired and it'll end your problem with him coming to your city anyway.
Author wildsoul Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 On email: He always *could* email me at my biz email, because I'm an entrepreneur, but he uses the gmail account (that I almost exclusively use for him.) I looked around in the settings and found a way to filter his mail to: Skip my inbox and be automatically archived.Marked as Read.There is a setting to delete, but gawd, if this anger stuff gets worse, I might need a history for the cops. But I think these filters should make it so that I won't know an email arrived at all, unless I go looking in "all mail." I'm going to try this for now. On cell phone/text: I checked with my carrier and I cannot block him. So I will just have to ignore him. I left him in my contacts list so that I will be able to see the caller ID on both landline and cell that it is him. BTW, I just now received a text message from him. Maybe a mistake? That or it's cryptic beyond my understanding, "Xw 0" I'm guessing the buttons got pressed by mistake. Let me know if that's shorthand that anyone recognizes. On why I checked Craigslist: Because someone started this thread and my morbid curiosity got the best of me. It felt creepy that I was checking, and creepier when I found the ads. Ick. On sending stuff to the W: I still don't think I should involve myself in his M more than I have already. I don't have contact with her, and won't initiate. If she ever asks, I will tell her anything she wants to know. WS so sorry you are going through this. In a perverse way the dream is really good it means that you are processing your fear that he has scarred you forever and the whole plethora of emotions you are going through. The emails are his anger. He is doing everything he can to get a reaction out of you. If he can do that and you can fight at some point one of you then has the ability to say I love you I am sorry... and start the whole vicious cycle over again... jj33: You're spot-on with both of those comments. Thank you for mirroring my fears of being permanently scarred. Yes, that's exactly it. Now, I feel like I can continue processing the message in the dream even better. Thank you everyone.
Meaplus3 Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Need to do a check in. Still in the big time withdrawals. Hoping to have a better day today. Recovering is one hour at a time for me still. LAST NIGHT: I got short angry email from xMM. It said, "You suck, but not me. Missing that." Ewww! I didn't respond to it. Instead, I called a friend to pass the time of feeling reactionary. I didn't sleep well. In a thread from yesterday, I mentioned how I had discovered 2 sex ads of his on Craigslist seeking my replacement. That was bothering me still, because thinking of it woke me up around 2am and I tossed and turned with upset (usually a sound sleeper.) Exhausting. THE DREAM: Upon waking, I was wet with tears. Finally, I had fallen asleep because I was coming out of a vivid nightmare. In the dream, I was confronting him about publishing online writings that included mention of sexual things we had done, announcing that he was leaving me, and also mention of at least one other woman who was in the same situation with him. I was angry that he wasn't being straight with me. Keeping me on the hook. Not letting me see the crass nature of how he viewed our R. (Which is how I felt upon seeing those sexual ads--did he just see me as a piece of ass?) Then the dream scene changes to an operating room. He is my surgeon. He cut a huge chunk of muscle and skin off of my chest. He then left the cavity open while he got distracted talking to other doctors. I tried to get help and attention, worried that my skin would be damaged. Along with a couple other doctors nearby, he haphazardly started stitching my skin back over my chest. He was doing a very sloppy job; it was going to leave very ugly scars. I tried to get a nurse to help smooth it out. I remember thinking that none of them were doing a good job, and that maybe I could heal the remaining scars on my own. I woke with tears and an aching heart. I was so relieved my chest wasn't really cut open. No visible scars, anyway. THIS MORNING: Another angry email from him: I haven't responded to his email. Probably won't, though it's occurred to me that perhaps I should have an official communication that says he is not welcome here? I don't want to trigger more anger stuff. Maybe it's best to just let it go and call the cops if he shows up unannouced. I'm wondering if there is an answer in my dream. Anyone have feedback? One thing that I see is that the dream is telling me that he can't be my heart doctor. He can't do the job right. I have/had an emotional need for this affair to end sweetly. Partly as I wanted to keep the door open. Partly because I wanted to somehow take the good from this, and move on with minimal regret. But he seems hell bent on being an angry a**hole. The gloves are OFF. Seeing him be so abusive like this is really really really hard on me. His punishment hurts. Letting go of the last shards of hope hurts. But then seeing what a psycho he can be is making me ashamed at my poor judgement. Objectively, I think I would tell someone else that she shouldn't take it so personally, because he made sure she only saw the good side. That it's natural she would fall in love with that good side he showed her. It's not her fault that she didn't see the evil before. Just pick up the pieces and move on. But emotionally, I'm stuck in self-judgement about being victimized (and the emails he's sending now, and the way he was in person last week, ARE abusive.) I fell down, but now the floor has fallen out from under me too. Thoughts? Feedback? I need some centeredness. Still feel the big wound over my heart. Block him from sending you emails. If he comes any where near you..or your home I would not hesitate to phone the police. AP:)
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Need to do a check in. Still in the big time withdrawals. Hoping to have a better day today. Recovering is one hour at a time for me still. LAST NIGHT: I got short angry email from xMM. It said, "You suck, but not me. Missing that." Ewww! I didn't respond to it. Instead, I called a friend to pass the time of feeling reactionary. I didn't sleep well. In a thread from yesterday, I mentioned how I had discovered 2 sex ads of his on Craigslist seeking my replacement. That was bothering me still, because thinking of it woke me up around 2am and I tossed and turned with upset (usually a sound sleeper.) Exhausting. THE DREAM: Upon waking, I was wet with tears. Finally, I had fallen asleep because I was coming out of a vivid nightmare. In the dream, I was confronting him about publishing online writings that included mention of sexual things we had done, announcing that he was leaving me, and also mention of at least one other woman who was in the same situation with him. I was angry that he wasn't being straight with me. Keeping me on the hook. Not letting me see the crass nature of how he viewed our R. (Which is how I felt upon seeing those sexual ads--did he just see me as a piece of ass?) Then the dream scene changes to an operating room. He is my surgeon. He cut a huge chunk of muscle and skin off of my chest. He then left the cavity open while he got distracted talking to other doctors. I tried to get help and attention, worried that my skin would be damaged. Along with a couple other doctors nearby, he haphazardly started stitching my skin back over my chest. He was doing a very sloppy job; it was going to leave very ugly scars. I tried to get a nurse to help smooth it out. I remember thinking that none of them were doing a good job, and that maybe I could heal the remaining scars on my own. I woke with tears and an aching heart. I was so relieved my chest wasn't really cut open. No visible scars, anyway. THIS MORNING: Another angry email from him: I haven't responded to his email. Probably won't, though it's occurred to me that perhaps I should have an official communication that says he is not welcome here? I don't want to trigger more anger stuff. Maybe it's best to just let it go and call the cops if he shows up unannouced. I'm wondering if there is an answer in my dream. Anyone have feedback? One thing that I see is that the dream is telling me that he can't be my heart doctor. He can't do the job right. I have/had an emotional need for this affair to end sweetly. Partly as I wanted to keep the door open. Partly because I wanted to somehow take the good from this, and move on with minimal regret. But he seems hell bent on being an angry a**hole. The gloves are OFF. Seeing him be so abusive like this is really really really hard on me. His punishment hurts. Letting go of the last shards of hope hurts. But then seeing what a psycho he can be is making me ashamed at my poor judgement. Objectively, I think I would tell someone else that she shouldn't take it so personally, because he made sure she only saw the good side. That it's natural she would fall in love with that good side he showed her. It's not her fault that she didn't see the evil before. Just pick up the pieces and move on. But emotionally, I'm stuck in self-judgement about being victimized (and the emails he's sending now, and the way he was in person last week, ARE abusive.) I fell down, but now the floor has fallen out from under me too. Thoughts? Feedback? I need some centeredness. Still feel the big wound over my heart. Hey, really sorry you're hurting. This guy has turned out very unpredictable & abusive as you quite rightly told him it was over & now its no longer on his terms he is throwing his teddies out of the cot. He is not the guy you thought he was but do not beat yourself up for being a poor judge of character - if you only saw his lovely side before how were you to know he had this dark side? Stay strong & do not react to his abusive communication & carry on with NC - block his emails, phone numbers etc. as it does sound like he has turned into a bully who wants to get a reaction from you - pathetic coward! If he even dares to attempt to come round your house like that again dial 911 immediately as he sounds like he could get physically abusive so do not put yourself in danger by opening the door & letting him in. Im so sorry things have turned out this way & that the guy you love turned out to be an a**hole. But it does sound like you had a lucky escape - would you want to be in a relationship with someone who has such an awful abusive streak? Take care, hope you feel alot better soon (((((hugs)))))
mytruelove Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 i'm soo sorry you are going through this. do your dreams mean anything? "I woke with tears and an aching heart. I was so relieved my chest wasn't really cut open. No visible scars, anyway" yes.... it means that you WOKE UP, and that you have been given another chance at living, another day, to move on and find happiness. BE GRATEFUL THAT YOU WOKE UP!!!
jj33 Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 This is just a wild guess but XwO is vaguely similar to xxo.... again whatever it is it is either a plea for attention or an abandoned plea for attention (he was going to send something and decided against it and it got away). Either way this is his ugly way of processing it. Everyone has their own view but I would not take anything to HR. It smacks of something is wrong here... assuming he doesnt have a rep for being a psycho at work it could backfire and being self employed you really dont need that. When I am in NC with MM and he sends me work emails (like now) my responses are short and "correct" in that they are cool professional and polite written in as few words as possible leaving no request for a reply unless absolutely necessary. I address anything and everything I can to his coworkers. Only once during a particularly bad period when i felt he was playing games with me in business did I address anything with his colleagues. But I put it as a general gee you know how well we work together, we seem to be running into roadblocks on x, what do you think is the best way to handle it you work so much more closely with him than I do. He never really confronted me on it, we had a conversation, and I raised it, he caved. I am sure he was appalled that I spoke to anyone and straightened up right away. But I was not going to let him mess with me in business. That being said if he were stupid enough to send anything obscene to you on his work email, I would return it with a reply that this must have been sent to you in error and to please refrain from sending you emails with inappropriate language in the future. That way if the email is ever discovered, you have your reply. He will wonder when you turned into the priss that would send an email like that but its better than having someone say why would he do that what is going on here. Totally agree with you on the W. Telling on someone never makes things better for anyone. Its up to him to tell his W if and when he chooses to do so. We are not really in a position to play the role of the morality police are we... On the Craigslist honey you dont need to defend yourself - if we were all so good at moving on from the word go none of us would be here. Why do any us do half the things we do when we are grieving and wondering what the other person is doing. On the emails I am sure many will disagree with me but I think it is almost better to read some of them because you do want to get a handle on the anger and be able to feel better that its subsiding. In these situations people tend to write and write until they get past the anger of not being responded to or feel they have gotten out the anger and hurt. Its a good sign it means he is processing it too in his own way - emails are better than home visits... just keep your doors locked. With respect to the phone consider changing the name on his entry to "block" that way when you look at it, it says block you dont have his name flashing in your consciousness and you have a message going to your mind each time he calls that says block not "its him". Its harrowing but you have such a good head on your shoulders you will get through this. You are doing amazingly.
astra77 Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 The mentallity of MM astounds me, I am so glad i have not heard from mine, but the day will come, and when it does, you will all hear about it. Wildsoul, you are a tough cookie, you are slowly taking back the power he has over you and he is carrying on like a toddler that has had a toy taken off him. Your dream - you have a big huge open wound that HE has infected. You are applying antiseptic at a great rate, and the more you kill the power he has over you with the antiseptic, the more he is fighting to keep you infected. Of course he is being selfish by doing this, he doesnt want YOU to be selfish and kill the power he has over you. Can you understand what i am trying to say? As for any further contact, maybe see how you go reading and not responding, he is trying ANYTHING he can to get a response from you. Being sweet and lovey dovey USED to work, and the dumb ass has clicked on that this doesnt wash with you anymore, so his pissed off and is trying to tell you he is a spoilt little brat and you have what he wants and you are not giving it to him. Well SUFFER mate, you had the chance and you chose not to do anything about it. He wants you to feel bad coz he believes in his pea brain that he will make it all better for YOU if you cave in and start the A again - of course this is utter bull ****. I wanted to tell xmm's w - probably out of spite, but i would never tell - he has to do that, he has to own his part in the A like I have done. If she ever contacted me i would be honest, but to be totally upfront, i think his w is in just as much denial about their m as he is. As far as i am concerned, i no longer have anything to do with his M and he can tell himself whatever he needs to to get throught the day coz i dont care. I would keep a record of emails though, just incase.
beautifullove Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Whatever you do, try and avoid communicating with him. I think he may be trying to evoke a response from you. As hurtful as your situation is, he is starting to tell you who he really is. He is absuive, and the fact that he is looking for a replacement must really hurt. I bet you had no idea he would stoop to this level. He is probably angry, because now he has no distraction, and he will be forced to deal with his M - unless of course he gets that replacement. You have made the right decision to get out of this situation, because any later would cause you a lot more pain.
crystal_lostheart Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Hey WS - so sorry to hear this. I am, as you know, in a bad position with my MM and still feel somewhat trapped but am waking up finally. Looking at you - you're out now - you have done the initial heartbreaking part - he is trying everything to get to you and you are not letting him win - please keep this strength up as hard as it may be. I look at you and your amazing courage and hope to draw the same strength you have for myself when, not if, WHEN i soon walk away. Take care of yourself and one day, I'm sure, you're dreams will not be nightmares - they will be dreams where you will wake up smiling again
mytruelove Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 just wondering how your doing today? i've actually heard your quote from someone else and i'm trying to live by it- awesome quote- "never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" - AMEN!!!
Author wildsoul Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 just wondering how your doing today? i've actually heard your quote from someone else and i'm trying to live by it- awesome quote- "never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" - AMEN!!! Thanks, doll! I'm doing okay today. A little triggered still. Last night, I got a pop-up on my instant message program, "xMM wants to add you to their messenger list." I had already deleted him from mine, so I guess he was trying to message me last night, but couldn't. I'm proud of myself because I declined the add, and selected to ignore all future requests. I also resisted typing any reason in the message box. So I did good about being NC. Still in obsession mode though. Part of me wonders whether he was going to be hostile (as he has been) or if he was going to say he was missing me. I found myself checking the trash bin on my email and also my cell phone text messages to see if he had tried to communicate some other way. Nothing. So I also wonder how he reacted to my declining the IM add. Games, games, games. Trying to let it go and stop thinking about him. Spending as much time as I do here, and also other things I do such as reading self help books, etc. is still obsession. I'm substituting healthier thoughts for communicating with him, but make no mistake about it, all the time I'm spending on this R stuff is obsession. PS: I saw that quote on someone's sig on a different board. Every time I read her posts, I thought "Wow. That is what I need to rememember." LOL, so I decided to make it my sig here.
jj33 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Trying to let it go and stop thinking about him. Spending as much time as I do here, and also other things I do such as reading self help books, etc. is still obsession. I'm substituting healthier thoughts for communicating with him, but make no mistake about it, all the time I'm spending on this R stuff is obsession. That is oh so true. You sound amazing. And good for you for blocking. He is trying to do damage control now and speak to you as his taunts and provocations did not score any points.
mytruelove Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 "Trying to let it go and stop thinking about him. Spending as much time as I do here, and also other things I do such as reading self help books, etc. is still obsession. I'm substituting healthier thoughts for communicating with him, but make no mistake about it, all the time I'm spending on this R stuff is obsession" GREAT!!! you DO sound VERY strong and it sounds like you have a great plan for reclaiming YOURSELF!!!
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