Gwyneth Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I personally think anything over 2 years is just ridiculous. Why are you engaged in the first place is A) you cann't afford to get married, and B) you aren't ready for marriage? One of my good friends from high school will be engaged for three years this fall. HELLO??????? Clearly one of them is not ready, and her and "hubby" are too comfortable now to get married. They have also been living with each other for three years. If you cannot afford to get married or are not ready, then hold off on the engagement. Or, have a LESS elaborate wedding.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 I personally think anything over 2 years is just ridiculous. Why are you engaged in the first place is A) you cann't afford to get married, and B) you aren't ready for marriage? One of my good friends from high school will be engaged for three years this fall. HELLO??????? Clearly one of them is not ready, and her and "hubby" are too comfortable now to get married. They have also been living with each other for three years. If you cannot afford to get married or are not ready, then hold off on the engagement. Or, have a LESS elaborate wedding. Yeah that's kind of the same thing with a couple I know. They started dating when they first got to college and have been engaged for going on 2 years now. I don't think their wedding is even until next year. They wanted to wait until they finished college I guess, but why get engaged then?
Star Gazer Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 People wait to get married until it's the right time FOR THEM to commit to each other for life. For some, this includes being able to afford and be emotionally mature enough to plan the wedding of their dreams.
Gwyneth Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Yeah that's kind of the same thing with a couple I know. They started dating when they first got to college and have been engaged for going on 2 years now. I don't think their wedding is even until next year. They wanted to wait until they finished college I guess, but why get engaged then? Well this friend of mine hasn't even started planning her wedding. Our other friends and I believe that she and her bf got engaged so that she could live with him, because that was the only way her parents would accept it. Well now her parents are suddenly divorced (dad left mom for an old gf) and my friend has been having a really hard time with this. Putting that into perspective, it's understandable, but at the same time, either figure out where this relationship is going, or hold off on the whole "we're engaged" BS until you are mentally, physically, and emotionally ready. It's not about the ring--it's about full-on committment. If you can't handle the committment then don't say "yes."
daletom Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 The question doesn't give us a clue as to what "long" or "short" is. My wife and I were married one year plus two weeks after we met. We are still married (to each other!) 34 years next week. I remember the day we met - 35 years ago last week - but not exactly when we became engaged. Our engagement period must have been about 9 months, however. Some knowledgeable friends, whose wisdom and judgement we respect, thought we were rushing things. Others thought we were on the short side of "reasonable"; I don't recall anybody suggesting it was too long. What doesn't show up in those statements is that we wrote to each other, increasingly serious letters on real paper, for three months before we met. Some aspects of our relationship solidified at a faster rate when we were writing - before we met - than after we became acquainted in person. Rather than ask "How long should an engagement last?", I think you should ask "What needs to be accomplished before we marry?". Others already made the first point: An engaged couple intends to marry. An engagement isn't some kind of "promotion" in social status (like you get promoted from 11th grade to 12th grade) after "going steady" or dating. It's not a trial marriage, or a substitute for marriage. It's a statement of a definite intent to become husband and wife. In many ways it's a promise, a contract, or an obligation. It's NOT irrevocable like marriage itself, but it IS a serious matter. During your engagement you should be developing unqualified agreement on the fundamentals in several areas. Some details can be left unspecified, or even in a state of disagreement, but on fundamental matters you must be entirely together. The first item is the meaning and significance of marriage itself. Before we even started writing my wife and I believed that marriage is for a lifetime. There's no "unless" or "except" or "if it doesn't work . . . ". The "person" we form as a couple takes precedence over the individual persons we are. Others define marriage in weaker terms, such as establishing a household for mutual convenience, the social esteem of being a couple, or just the economic benefits. While I personally disagree with any definition short of lifetime commitment, AT LEAST make CERTAIN that you two have an IDENTICAL definition! Secondly you need some kind of unifying life goals. That doesn't mean you need to outdo each other with your dream castles, but it DOES mean that you have to see yourselves moving through life together. Will there be education, careers, goals? They don't have to be the same, or even similar, but they can NOT be contradictory or mutually exclusive! The third place to agree is on what a "family" is. What are the obligations of each member of a family, to each other and to the family. To what extent is one partner joining the other partner's family of origin, and to what extent are they becoming a totally separate and autonomous family? Will there be children? (That's typically an area of unresolved details - how many, when, etc - but DO NOT think you will "work it out" if one wants kids and the other is dead set against it!) In retrospect, my wife and I had a major advantage during our dating and engagement because circumstances compelled us to spend MANY weekends as guests in the homes of each others' families - with parents, siblings, relatives, old friends, etc around. The fourth area to agree is finances. If the money (savings, paychecks, inheritances, etc), debts (mortgage, school loans, credit card balances), and obligations (rent, utilities, groceries) are in piles of "his" and "hers" - figuratively or literally - I don't think you have a marriage as much as a business arrangement. I see this as a real problem in a LOT of marriages! Selfishness, materialism and greed kill more marriages than infidelity, physical separation, or sexual coldness. It requires both of you to set aside a lot of materialism, and several decades of social conditioning by our culture. It could mean that one (or both!) of you need to do a lot of financial re-arranging before marriage - pay off the credit card, or get a job, or agree to put the house into joint ownership, for instance. The last area (you knew this was coming, right?) is sex. What is its significance - the eternal bonding of two souls, or something you do to feel good with whoever is handy? What kind of sexual exclusivity do you expect? How about exclusivity as it extends to past partners - more couples than you realize are haunted by their (or their partners') sexual activities before the marriage - even after being married for decades! I do NOT think you need to test your "sexual compatibilty" before marraige by sleeping together, but you DO need to show each other that you understand and support each others' needs and expectations in this area. (My wife and I exchanged our virginities - she took mine, and I got hers in return - on our wedding night.) How long it takes to reach agreement on these things depends on the couple. Obviously, it takes longer for a pair of 16-year old High School students than a pair of 25-year old medical school students. And, as I implied in my opening comments, the length of your acquaintance and dating before engagement is also important.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 That was a really good post daletom..you hit on a lot of good points. Knowing whether you are compatible PRIOR to engagement is very important. I think it was Art who brought up a good point, that its interesting when engaged couples break up over something, if they really would have just seperated over it if they had already been married.
allina Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 If I were to give a number I'd say 4-12 months+/- I know that sometimes planning a wedding can take well over a year to plan, especially when they couple wants a hard to get location or is planning on a huge and elaborate wedding. Personally I want a small wedding and I don't plan on setting the wedding date the day of engagement. I will want to enjoy being engaged for a little while before all the planning and stressing starts Of course the flip side to this is being engaged for 2 years with no date set, which in my eyes is usually back tracking.
Walk Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I like 6 months for the length of time. a.) Its long enough to let everyone know and plan a wedding (for small weddings) b.) Its not so long that you forget why you got engaged in the first place.
daletom Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 That was a really good post daletom..you hit on a lot of good points. Thank you for the kind words! It doesn't surprise me (though it's a little disappointing) that much of this thread was given over to a discussion of "weddings" rather than "marriage". I told my kids that if they wanted to unlink those two things a little, we (their parents) could be flexible and work with them. Personally I think it would be sort of romantic to be officially married, for instance (assuming a Christian couple - I suspect other faiths have an analogy), at the end of a normal Sunday worship service. Followed by a punch-and-cake reception in the foyer. Then - at another time - they can throw a huge party and call it their "wedding", complete with catered meals, musicians, etc, etc. Repeat their vows if they wish. Marriage is most definitely a very serious thing, but a wedding can be as much fun as they choose (and, can afford) to make it. I mean no disrespect when I say that weddings are, for the most part, a somewhat elaborate costume party. How about the bride and groom arriving (or departing) in a hot-air balloon? Set a fantasy theme, and encourage guests to play along. Maybe "Camelot", and get people to be medieval Lords and Ladies (swords and horses optional). Or "1912", taking your clues from movies like "Somewhere in Time" or even "Titanic". Here in St Louis, Daniel Boone's homestead is often used for weddings but I wonder if an Indian raid could be scheduled as part of the proceedings . . . Well, my mid-kid (the only one married so far) opted for a very traditional, sensible, pretty, festive, wedding. Which is fine - I still have two more chances to try something wild. Unfortunately, she was probably the most likely to do something out of the ordinary. My oldest is very fugal and quite environmentally conscious; my baby (the six-foot-one-inch food processor) is the most serious-minded of the three. So if anybody on here wants to kick around some unusual ideas, let me know!
lovestruck818 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I personally think anything over 2 years is just ridiculous. Why are you engaged in the first place is A) you cann't afford to get married, and B) you aren't ready for marriage? One of my good friends from high school will be engaged for three years this fall. HELLO??????? Clearly one of them is not ready, and her and "hubby" are too comfortable now to get married. They have also been living with each other for three years. If you cannot afford to get married or are not ready, then hold off on the engagement. Or, have a LESS elaborate wedding. I think a lot of people have problems affording a wedding though, but somehow they do it. Average weddings here cost about $40k. I don't know anyone who has that money in their pocket to shell out...but if you want to get married, they somehow make it all come together.
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