Husband left me and 2 children. I think its another woman

[discouraged4ever]

Oh God. Where do I begin. My life has been a nightmare for the last 8 months. Here is the short story:

 

In Jan my H one day says "I dont want to be married to you anymore" this is after 10 and 1/2 yrs of marriage with 3 yr old and 13 month old. He was in counseling and says "Ive realized i have been co-dependent on you, and I am co-dependent no more. I dont want to be married to you anymore." of course i asked the million questions and cant fathom how this could happen, as this is a therapist we have worked with in the past, who is a firm believer in keeping families together.

 

Im in shock and all i can think of is there has to be someone else. he vehemently denies this. but will not talk to our friends, family and stops going to church. He files for divorce and doesnt even tell me until almost 2 wks later i file for D cuz he is being such a jerk to me and the kids.

 

I dig and find cell records and see a phone number over and over since oct of 07, its the number of a "friend" he ran into in another city that he works due to his job. He continues to claim this is just a friend even in therapy....i confront him one night he is in that city 10pm and he is :out to dinner with guess who, her!" i confront him and ask him to put her on the phone she refuses.

 

We go to court for temp orders and he sets the final date for D, which shld have been in march of 08. I beg him to think about this, go to counseling, to slow all this down. he agrees. 8 months later, he has taken me through about 20 we will work it out to devastating you are a loser u were a louzy spouse cycles. he has been abusing me verbally and emotionally. i have finally filed with DA's office for a protective order and they of course did not give it to me cuz he hasnt hit me, but he has threatened my life in so many words and is still trying to control my life, will take things from the house (still has access due to court order) etc. he will harrass me and tell me he isnt gona pay this or that, just to stress me out.

 

I still think there is another woman. i have text her and called her and she still doesnt respond. i think, what kind of person is this, to let me gon on thinking this terrible thing if it isnt true.

 

gosh that is not all, but i am at work. i have had thoughts of suicide, and almost compelted it last week. i called h and told him to take the kids that i was going to ya kno... even the message he left was compassionless and rude on the phone. my aunt who has been helping me with the kids confronted him the next morning, he drove by and told him to stop playing games with me. that he was giving me hope and taking it away and this was not a game... she knows cuz she watches the kids when we go out, or he wents me a hotel room downtown.

 

all this is so horrible. but after the suicide gesture, and the next day he told me i was a selfish woman. i have begged him to go see our pastor. he tells me he will but he doesnt go. he is trying to take me back to court to re-do our temp orders after htis incident as i think he is going to try and use this against me that i am unstable.

 

court will be either late this week or next week. i have gone 4 days nc with him. and he is staying away mostly i think cuz he got a letter from the DA's office telling him that harrassing me and threatening me is a crime and i could press charges and he needs to stay away.

 

i know i need to get away for now, as he has really turned into a monster. i never thought in a million yrs he would treat me this way. i cant imagine he would do this unless there is someone else. i mean he has to go weeks with out seeing the kids. he only sees them ev other wknd. anyway. i just dont know what to do and i guess i am looking for insight, maybe people who have been through this.

 

i have pretty much given up... but you know, i am a believer that God can change people's hearts, so i cant say i have let go completely.

[TrustInYourself]

Wow, sounds crazy. Give him some space girl. Take a step back. Losing him is not the end of the world. Be patient for yourself and your kids. Take a step back. Stop feeding the drama. After some time and healing you will able to react and act rationally and do what's right for yourself and your kids.

 

Also, those thoughts of suicide need to end. Your kids need you. Go talk to a professional and work through those feelings.

 

I'm pulling for you. Stay strong.

[SingleDad]

discouraged - you will learn in time that you do not need a man to make you happy... You alone are the only one who can make you happy. You can do it... Start focusing on the little things that used to make you happy.

 

Also focus on your kids - they need you more than ever... Your H will not be there for them... He is being selfish. Suicide will not solve anything.. It will just leave behind more problems and a world of hurt on your kids.

 

See a doctor - get some anti-depressents to get you through this.

 

Do not threaten suicide again - your H could use it to take custody of the kids.

 

Go to church... get into a DivorceCare support group through your church... and start reading some books on the topic... read some Dr. Harley's and Gary chapman books

[discouraged4ever]

I am seeking professional help. Its the roller coaster of emotions, him saying one day we will work it out and the next he is done with me. Him taking me to a nice hotel downtown and us having a nice intimate night and in the morning he tells me he cant wait to divorce me.

 

I am not crazy, or actively suicidal. I actually would know exactly what to do if i was. It was one night, when the pain was just too overwhelming. My attorney is not concerned about it. and i have plenty of people willing to testify to the rollercoaster ride he has taken me on. My attrny says we will need to address it, but she has been doing this for 25 yrs and i am not the first person she has worked with that has been in this situation. and she is not concerned at all about it changing custody situation at all. he is the one that left, he removed himself from the family, it was his choice. and now he wants the kids, whatever.

 

My h pretty much abandoned me, because "I didnt love him enough." my baby was 14 months old. we have been married for 11 yrs. i have tried ev thing to make our M work. he cancels our MC appts. things go well for a while and then he devastates me.

 

i dont know what is wrong with him. i dont know who he is anymore. but i have decided not to have anymore contact with him except in court. there is even no need for us to discuss the children at this point. he only sees them every 14 days anyway.

[TrustInYourself]

Play it cool and get your head together. It sounds like you are doing that. I think if the pain and suffering are still fresh, you're just going to cause damage when you interact. Give it time.

 

I hope you feel better. Keep in mind, it gets worse before it starts getting better. But it's all just a moment in time. Temporary. Be strong for your kids. They need a parent they can trust and rely on.

[SingleDad]

Ditto on TIY's response

[imagine]

That man is not your husband.

 

He is drugged with infatuation. Do you want your old husband back? You CAN be part of the rescue. Are you prepared for war?

[discouraged4ever]

what do you mean Imagine?

[TrustInYourself]

There are steps to win back the man you married. He's asking if you're willing to go to war! WAR! ARGH!

[discouraged4ever]

what does WAR involve? i am not even speaking to him anymore. and we have court set for the next week or so to re-do out temp orders. he swears it isnt this woman, and she does live 3 hrs away and he says he is not moving. he tells me "arent you going to feel like a jerk in a year when you realize there was no one else."

 

idk.

[SingleDad]

War is winning over your spouse and forcing an end to the affair... "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley Plan A and B and "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis - two different methods.

[discouraged4ever]

im sorry but i feel like i have kissed his A** for the last 8 months. I tried everything. nothing worked. there was always something wrong with what i did and as he would say "its just not enuff." i would let him come back and we would be intimate. i think it is high time he feel what life is like with out me and the kids. he hasnt really felt that yet, because we wld go back and forth so much.

 

no i dont feel like fighting anymore. i feel like turning him over to God and keeping myself safe and free from anymore pain and anguish. if it is another woman, i am beginning to think that God may be doing me a favor by geting this monster out of my life.

 

i didnt think like that before, and i tried to fight. it didnt work and it wasnt worth all this pain. and continued denial, if there is someone else. he hasnt done a damn thing to try and make the marriage work. and he doesnt think he has to. he wants out. and thats what he told me last monday. so i am gonna give him what he wants. thats that.

[discouraged4ever]

so in a nutshell. what are the methods. basic schemata?

[sumdude]

no i dont feel like fighting anymore. i feel like turning him over to God and keeping myself safe and free from anymore pain and anguish. if it is another woman, i am beginning to think that God may be doing me a favor by geting this monster out of my life.

 

i didnt think like that before, and i tried to fight. it didnt work and it wasnt worth all this pain. and continued denial, if there is someone else. he hasnt done a damn thing to try and make the marriage work. and he doesnt think he has to. he wants out. and thats what he told me last monday. so i am gonna give him what he wants. thats that.

 

 

This is the right idea.. go with it. Protect yourself, protect your children and heal. The man who was your husband doesn't exist anymore.. and if one day he magically comes to his senses down the road would you even want to take the chance of going through it all again?

[discouraged4ever]

yes. For now it is what is right. i will look at those books mentioned. but i believe that this marriage is God's and God will do with it as he will. my H will suffer greatly if he decides to break this most sacred covenent of God and I CANNOT SAVE him from that. that is his choice and his turmoil and distress to live under.

 

I will focus on God, and my kids and take it one day at a time.

 

4 days NC with h. its hard, but getting easier.

[TrustInYourself]

Step one, break away from the constant pain. Reflect. Protect yourself so you can think and decide what you want and what's best. Put everything on pause.