High Profile Husbands & Cheating

[2sure]

I posted this as a reply in this forum, but after reading it I realize that THIS is my reason for being on LS and encompasses many of my questions. I would love to hear from others who have H's in high profile fields. Am I making excuses here?: (This was in response to the John Edwards fiasco)

 

Almost couldnt reply to this, but its something that has been on my own mind and I need to verbalize it. Just my opinion/experience:

A need for approval is either inherant or learned behavior for some politicians. Call it narcissism or insecurity - but its all about approval and acceptance (for some) . Never mind the fact that unlike most professions - politicians actually have "groupies". This is more temptation than most spouses have and blatant adoration is hard to resist. (But - it is part and parcel of the whole job, so get a freaking clue and be a real man!) Having a ring side seat to the machine - this is somehting I just cant figure out.

 

Another thought: An affair (not John Edwards 2nd family type) , can be approval of another kind maybe. A person in politics becomes their job. The whole family is involved, its consuming. You and everyone around you begin to see you as only the candidate. Possibly the approval of someone you think sees only the man becomes a nice distraction. ???

 

And this: I have heard many people ask of the BS (s) of politicians - How can she still stand beside him? Ive asked this myself. I think some of it is because it isnt just HIS career, its HERS too - make no mistake. It is not a one man show. You vote for the candidate - but his wife and family have made huge life changing sacrifices to support this is a family endeavor. Just because he F's up, just means he better fix it NOW.

 

And what the hell, I'm on a roll now: In part because of the above stated reasons - I think these politicians have not experienced real consequences of their actions - until they become so flagrant or scrutinized that they must own up. Consequences may be hard to dole out initially because they wont just affect him, but the BS as well. Its hard to believe your H would risk everything (not only his wife and family) for a fling.

All about consequences - swift and immediate.

 

Whew. That was hard. I am so open to responses here - but please be gentle.

__________________

2sure

 

Damn the Torpedos

[silktricks]

A need for approval is either inherant or learned behavior for some politicians. Call it narcissism or insecurity - but its all about approval and acceptance (for some) . Never mind the fact that unlike most professions - politicians actually have "groupies". This is more temptation than most spouses have and blatant adoration is hard to resist. (But - it is part and parcel of the whole job, so get a freaking clue and be a real man!) Having a ring side seat to the machine - this is somehting I just cant figure out.

 

Another thought: An affair (not John Edwards 2nd family type) , can be approval of another kind maybe. A person in politics becomes their job. The whole family is involved, its consuming. You and everyone around you begin to see you as only the candidate. Possibly the approval of someone you think sees only the man becomes a nice distraction. ???

 

And this: I have heard many people ask of the BS (s) of politicians - How can she still stand beside him? Ive asked this myself. I think some of it is because it isnt just HIS career, its HERS too - make no mistake. It is not a one man show. You vote for the candidate - but his wife and family have made huge life changing sacrifices to support this is a family endeavor. Just because he F's up, just means he better fix it NOW.

 

And what the hell, I'm on a roll now: In part because of the above stated reasons - I think these politicians have not experienced real consequences of their actions - until they become so flagrant or scrutinized that they must own up. Consequences may be hard to dole out initially because they wont just affect him, but the BS as well. Its hard to believe your H would risk everything (not only his wife and family) for a fling.

All about consequences - swift and immediate.

 

No need to be gentle. Frankly, I think the case of philandering politicians and the case of other philandering men (probably women too) are very similar. They are looking for approbation for themselves in a different way. They may not even be looking for sex so much as that adoration that you speak of. Sometimes I think people stop hearing their spouses - even when the spouse is giving them positive strokes, they begin to tune it out. Hearaing good things from new people allows them to hear again. Politicians - as you say - simply have so much more available - just as do other people in positions of power.

[2sure]

Silktricks -

 

Thank you for responding. Ive been here a while, and its helped. I just dont have it in me to post my whole "story" but I hope to benefit anyway.

You hit the nail on the head - for my H, it isnt the sex, it isnt even deeply emotional, its just the attention , period. It doenst necessarilly make me feel threatened but it hurts like hell. It also made him seem so much the lesser man in my eyes. I'm conflicted. I will not turn a blind eye, I want to help him help himself, but other than being his keeper, Im not sure how.

No one in politics ever posts anything. This just isnt talked about among our peers. There is no spouse handbook. Urgh. Some days are overwhelming.

I feel like his behavior has made me wary of the motives of female acquaintances and I never used to be that kind of woman.

[Owl]

Do you get enough from being "XXX's wife" that overlooking his cheating is worth it to you?

 

Regardless of WHY he does it...it still hurts. It still undermines everything about him to you, as you've already pointed out.

 

Why accept it? Is his career worth it to you to tolerate this?

 

I get what you said about "his career being your career"...and these are honest questions I'm asking.

[Jilly Bean]

If a man is prone to cheating, he is prone to cheating. Job has nothing to do with it - it's a total character flaw.

 

The only real difference with a high profile guy, is that he generally will have more, and a better class of opportunity than a regular Joe.

 

But, if a guy is going to cheat, he will no matter what his title, income, or prestige.

[quankanne]

yep. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater. And fools that we are, when we give second chances (really, for whatever hurt our spouse has caused), we put ourselves out there for more potential abuse. Because our love doesn't have teeth when it needs to ... there's no repercussion, and the person doing the "bad" deed to hurt the relationship sees that he/she can get away scott-free.

 

time to start practicing tough love, IMO, and telling the offender that if they don't make a decision, then you'll do it for him/her.

[Touche]

If a man is prone to cheating, he is prone to cheating. Job has nothing to do with it - it's a total character flaw.

 

The only real difference with a high profile guy, is that he generally will have more, and a better class of opportunity than a regular Joe.

 

But, if a guy is going to cheat, he will no matter what his title, income, or prestige.

 

This was going to be my answer almost exactly. That's right.

 

2sure, my H is not a politician but ran for DA a few years back. Oh my. I saw the women throwing themselves at him.

 

And yes, the whole campaign consumed our family. I have to say it was one of the worst experiences I've ever gone through. I'm a very private person. I had NO idea what we were in for.

 

But anyway, all that being said, I watched my H handle the flirtatious women with grace and poise...ever the gentleman.

 

JB is right on the money. This has to do with class and character...not his profession.

 

He's either going to do the right thing or not. Doesn't matter what he does for a living.

 

And had my H ever been unfaithful to me, I would have left. I don't buy this HIS career thing. I understand the all encompassing nature of a spouse of a politician, having gotten a taste of it, but it still wouldn't have stopped me from leaving.

 

I'm my OWN person. I really don't get these women who stay. It's essentially prostituting yourself...no offense to anyone.

[Moose]

How do we know for sure that John Edwards cheated? How do we know he didn't hire this chick to play a part in this? How do we know that his wife isn't playing along as well?

 

Couldn't this all be a political attention getter for Edwards an his entire family could be playing along just to boost attention from the media?

 

Really, you'll never see a politician confess to things like kiddy porn, or wearing women's clothing would you?

[Arise_Serpentor]

I agree! cheating men WILL cheat! There is no excuse! yes, they politicians might get opportunity, but still: it is simply NO EXCUSE! It makes the non-cheating politicians look bad, when, in fact, they must be exceptional resisting the temptation!

And don't forget: Edwards was doing this WHILE HIS WIFE WAS FIGHTING CANCER!

 

What a guy!!! He can't keep it in his pants while his wife fights for her life?!?!

Beyond disgusting!

[2sure]

Do you get enough from being "XXX's wife" that overlooking his cheating is worth it to you?

 

It isnt worth it to me as far as the career goes. I love him with or without it. I will never overlook his cheating for this reason alone. It took me all my strength to make HIM the victim of his actions. Only time will tell whether or not the lesson "took".

 

As far as always a cheater. I wonder about this a lot. If the cheating behavior is like an addiction - can it be treated like other addictions? He isnt a "sex addict". Its winning the approval he craves. But still, its a craving - like alcohol or maybe gambling?

 

For example (this is hard for me)

I had found a record of on-line conversations with several women met on a particular website. After reading all of them (they spanned 2 months) I discovered this pattern:

As soon as he was able to convince them to meet him in person, he found an excuse to not be available and did not meet them.

Those that were hesitant or not very interested are the ones he spent the most time on. If there was no interest at all, he would still IM them periodically. It was pathetic.

There was a similar pattern with text messaging on his phone.

 

I acted on my information in no uncertain terms.

 

More recently, I have seen evidence that he is taking care to not engage in anything that I or the rest of the real world find unacceptable.

 

Since this behavior occurred while were engaged, and at the beginning of our marriage, I struggle with this:

What about me gave you the impression I was an idiot??

I cant work on the problem in our marriage because Geez - there wasnt time for one to develop on my end.

Its his problem, I love him, can we work on this together like we do everything else??

 

Also - while divorce is an option of course - for us, it has to be the very very last resort. I could not leave if I thought there was something i could have done to save my family.

 

Sorry - floodgates opened.

[2sure]

I an effort to be honest, I have to add this:

Prior to the on line conversations and texting, my H admitted to me:

 

"I have cheated on you in every way since we met".

 

Having changed both my own and my daughter's entire life to marry this man - I felt my only option was a DO OVER.

[Mr. Lucky]

If a man is prone to cheating, he is prone to cheating. Job has nothing to do with it - it's a total character flaw.

 

The only real difference with a high profile guy, is that he generally will have more, and a better class of opportunity than a regular Joe.

 

But, if a guy is going to cheat, he will no matter what his title, income, or prestige.

I agree in theory with what you've said. But as someone who was briefly (and long ago ) in that type of position, it takes a strong person in a strong relationship to keep things in perspective as it swirls around you. Not making excuses (I didn't crack ) but the temptation can be powerful...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sure]

Oddly enough, I have found some solace in the fact that the women he can have , he doesnt want. Not much though.

I am strong - like bull!! I know where I came from and I can tell you this - it will take more than a philandering husband and bunch pf political groupies to take me down. But I miss the man I thought he was. I miss the confidence I had coming in.

 

I'm feeling like a have to police him, and I think I may be able to wrap my head around that - is there anyone here that thinks it can be done?

[porter218]

I an effort to be honest, I have to add this:

Prior to the on line conversations and texting, my H admitted to me:

 

"I have cheated on you in every way since we met".

 

Having changed both my own and my daughter's entire life to marry this man - I felt my only option was a DO OVER.

Has he stopped or is this continuing?

[2sure]

After the first devastating admission, I never brought it up again. Then, I found out about the texting and messaging a year later. We have been married 3 years. Its been one year since the last incident.

[porter218]

After the first devastating admission, I never brought it up again. Then, I found out about the texting and messaging a year later. We have been married 3 years. Its been one year since the last incident.

Do you realize your reaction to him seemed like permission to continue? It was like you were saying 'just don't do it in my face' or so it seemed to him.

[Owl]

Exactly...not making an issue about it...not DEALING with it...gave him tacit permission to continue.

[Touche]

Oddly enough, I have found some solace in the fact that the women he can have , he doesnt want. Not much though.

I am strong - like bull!! I know where I came from and I can tell you this - it will take more than a philandering husband and bunch pf political groupies to take me down. But I miss the man I thought he was. I miss the confidence I had coming in.

 

I'm feeling like a have to police him, and I think I may be able to wrap my head around that - is there anyone here that thinks it can be done?

 

You answered your own question above. You miss a figment of your imagination. Didn't you say elsewhere that he cheated on you when you were engaged?

 

I'd personally cut my losses. You don't have that much time invested at this point.

 

Why would you want to live your life policing your mate?

[Lizzie60]

After the first devastating admission, I never brought it up again. Then, I found out about the texting and messaging a year later. We have been married 3 years. Its been one year since the last incident.

 

 

WOW.. you've been married 3 years.. ha-hem.. methink he cheated all along..

 

Why do you keep this man? are you scared you will be completely 'invisible' without him.. do you think that him being so 'popular' in a public person.. makes you feel 'alive'.. are you scared of being alone?

 

He won't change.. I would bet my life on this...

 

Men who have some kind of power, and have women throwing themselves at them.. will succomb.. every time... they are not 'invinsible'...

 

Power and money gives a man tremendous power and power brings a lot of 'perks' one of them being 'women'... almost any women they want.

 

Sorry but you're in for a life of being the M-police.. if you want to live like that.. it's your choice.. but I tell you, you WILL find more stuff, eventually and if you are a good police you might even catch him ...

 

Sorry but cheaters are cheaters.. especially those with jobs that allow them to have women at their feet... will cheat.. it's unavoidable..

 

Good luck..

[2sure]

This website has been a really good thing for me. In verbalizing my own thoughts and experiences, I have done my soul more good than a year of therapy.

 

I have to admit to being somewhat surprised at the bitter and presumptive tone of some responders to this thread. I realize I may have made myself an easy target for stereotypical answers but...

 

To the person who asked if I would be invisible without my husband....no more than he would be without me. Honestly, get over yourself.

 

Although I do check my husbands accounts ( not every month or even every 2) , I feel I have made HIM more responsible for his actions. There were consequences that affected him and the OW. I doled them out with NO QUESTIONS asked.

 

I dont think he has to remain a cheater. I have cheated in previous relationships - repeatedly. Sometimes I even wonder of this is my own Karma. But I dont do it now, and will not. I changed. So, clearly its possible.

 

Im not with my husband for any other reason than because I truly love him. I love him unconditionally and he loves me the same. That is not to say I will stay with him if he has not changed.

 

I DID get advice/encouragement/ empathy from several posters with similar type spouses - they posted privately and I thank you all.

[HappyAtLast]

HIS career. You should have your own. His accomplishments are not yours, yours are not his. While you should celebrate each other's they still remain....

 

Policing someone is no way to go through your life. If you wish to stay married, then you need to deal with this head on.

 

Lastly, I cheated on my XW. I have never, nor would I ever cheat on my current. So - once a cheater is not always true. However, if you have only been married a few years, sadly, I am wondering if he is a serial cheater. If that is the case you really need to think about your future, you could be in for years of heartbreak.

 

edited: While not political, I guess I would have been considered to be a fairly high-profile husband in my day....

[Owl]

At the end of the day, I think that many "high profile" people develop a sense of entitlement.

 

They feel that they are "owed" a little more than other people are.

 

They feel that the rules don't apply as much to them.

 

And that all feeds into their self-rationalizations that allow them to justify having an affair.

 

And sadly, they seem to get a lot more support for these poor choices than others would. Sure, sometimes the media roasts them...but then a lot of times, the whole thing gets swept under a rug, and no true consequences are suffered.

 

And THAT is just a huge burst of fuel to that justification fire.

 

When they don't suffer consequences for their choices...it just feeds their sense of entitlement further, and sets the stage to create a SERIAL cheater.

[HappyAtLast]

People always want a "piece" of what they consider a high-profile person can offer them. Things are offered to you that you can't begin to imagine. The lure is incredible.... and you do begin to believe that you, somehow, are special and somehow, more worthy of the things being offered to you than the average Joe. But - it is still your own personal responsiblity to keep yourself in check.

 

I was certainly nowhere near as high-profile as a politician, but I know the types of things that I was offered and can only imagine the temptations in their lives. Yet, personal responbility...

[2sure]

I agree with you.

 

I am willing to help my husband, my marriage, my family with any problem/issue/etc. that comes our way. I would be just as willing were the problem alcohol/gambling/etc.

 

But I cant do it alone of course. I honestly do believe he is a big enough man to control himself and this is a risk to take.

 

And yes, I know for a fact he has been a serial cheater in his past. This is his first marriage, never even lived with a woman before. He and I have discussed this and he admitted he was surprised himself his behavior was so ingrained it didnt stop when he committed to me.

 

Yes, it is his career - and I DO have my own, always have. But with his, there is not room for us both to have BIG careers. Doesnt really matter to me right now, because I like having a job that is over when I go home. I like the family stuff and being involved with my daughter and her school. However, yes - I need to have something for myself - other than him or even my daughter. I am a care taker by nature, its what I enjoy - but I need another circle outside my family/politics.

 

What Ive done is insisted that he protect my future (legally/financially) and he has - to the letter of my request. Without going into much detail, he knows that should I divorce him , he will lose at least half of everything he has worked for (savings/retirment/property). This may not seem like a big deal to some, but for he and I, it required him to show a great deal of trust and confidence in our marriage. As it is written, I will lose nothing. It also provided him with a tangible and personal incentive (during any moment of temptation) to make our marriage last.

 

Hey, who knows. I have learned that Life changes on a dime, for all kinds of reasons. Someimes being prepared makes a difference.

 

So, I would say - NO, I dont trust my H right now. But I do think I will again. Maybe the difference for me is this: His cheating did not break my heart in that I know he loves only me. It just made me so very disappointed in him. It made him seem small, needy, and compulsive. What a turn off.

 

But now I know him better than I did before ( a good thing) and I really do think he is a bigger man than this. I made the consequences immediate and severe for what some one would see as a slight indiscretion. Even to me it wasnt earth shattering, but I needed to show him that his harmless (to him) flirting (texting) would cost dearly and that I was judge and jury for everyone involved. What really opened his eyes was when I did not ask him any questions or give him a chance to "explain", I did not feel the need to have or give him any tangible proof - I just acted on it immediately and seriously.

 

The idea that I could be like that was a sort of epiphany for him. Of all the hurt he caused me, the realization that the consequences of his actions would now be out of his control - was such a new thought to him, his eyes literally widened!

 

Marriage is a learning experience, I have had the benefit before. He hasn't. He isnt a creep, I know this. It has been over a year and I have seen him extricating himself voluntarilly from conversations I wouldnt like.

 

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst...isnt that it? Comes naturally to me. We are happy.

 

Thank you for replying! Every time I write, I feel a little better.

[porter218]

What really opened his eyes was when I did not ask him any questions or give him a chance to "explain", I did not feel the need to have or give him any tangible proof - I just acted on it immediately and seriously.

 

The idea that I could be like that was a sort of epiphany for him. Of all the hurt he caused me, the realization that the consequences of his actions would now be out of his control - was such a new thought to him, his eyes literally widened!

 

.

Given your circumstances I think you handled it the best you could have. I am really glad that you understand that you didn't need tangible proof... that is a huge mistake many people make(waiting for irrefutable proof). Good luck to you and your marriage.

 

How has he been acting lately? Does he give you every reason to beleive him again??