Friends with Friends of my Ex.

[Prettyinblack]

I ended it with my ex 9 months ago after he cheated, lied, gave me an STD.

I am still friends with a couple who I met through him but things are getting weird. I am more friends with the woman than the man but we all kind of travel in the same circle.

I don't want anything to do with my ex. NOTHING. He is a liar and a cheat and had have I known that prior to entering into a relationship with him, I would have head for the hills running!

Anyway, there is a 'cliche' for lack of a better word, the musicians 'cliche', that I am part of as I am a musician and my ex is actively involved in this as well.

So, there are 2 issues at hand:

the first is that our mutual friends(the woman) is pressuring me to have at least a friendship with my ex...."when I ended it with...so and so, I just knew that we would be in the same circle of people" blah, blah, blah. I said that I didn't care. I wasn't going to be his buddy to make all the musicians comfortable.

second: My ex keeps calling the woman for updates on me and I told her to tell him NOTHING....my life is none of his business. She walks the line on this one and I can never get a straight answer on any question I ask her. For example...

"What does he want"....reply..."I don't really know, he just sounds really concerned about you"

"What did he say?" Reply...."not much really....he wants to be your friend"

"Has he made any changes in his life"...reply..." I don't really know."

 

All of this crap has me going mental. this man was the love of my life, betrayed me, gave me a life long STD that he denies anything to do with.

I feel so much pain and sadness about this relationship ending and I feel like I can't trust my friendship with the woman. Should I? I don't know.

I also feel like I am being 'ousted' because I won't forgive my ex. I simply can't.

I am entertaining the idea of selling my house and moving to another city to get away from all of this. Seems he comes out smelling like a rose and I look like a bitch. I have learned a lot about the music business through this...Ass kissing is definitely a requirement to get along. I don't kiss but very well.

Any suggestions or has anyone been through this?

[0hpenelope]

I ended it with my ex 9 months ago after he cheated, lied, gave me an STD.

I am still friends with a couple who I met through him but things are getting weird. I am more friends with the woman than the man but we all kind of travel in the same circle.

I don't want anything to do with my ex. NOTHING. He is a liar and a cheat and had have I known that prior to entering into a relationship with him, I would have head for the hills running!

Anyway, there is a 'cliche' for lack of a better word, the musicians 'cliche', that I am part of as I am a musician and my ex is actively involved in this as well.

So, there are 2 issues at hand:

the first is that our mutual friends(the woman) is pressuring me to have at least a friendship with my ex...."when I ended it with...so and so, I just knew that we would be in the same circle of people" blah, blah, blah. I said that I didn't care. I wasn't going to be his buddy to make all the musicians comfortable.

second: My ex keeps calling the woman for updates on me and I told her to tell him NOTHING....my life is none of his business. She walks the line on this one and I can never get a straight answer on any question I ask her. For example...

"What does he want"....reply..."I don't really know, he just sounds really concerned about you"

"What did he say?" Reply...."not much really....he wants to be your friend"

"Has he made any changes in his life"...reply..." I don't really know."

 

All of this crap has me going mental. this man was the love of my life, betrayed me, gave me a life long STD that he denies anything to do with.

I feel so much pain and sadness about this relationship ending and I feel like I can't trust my friendship with the woman. Should I? I don't know.

I also feel like I am being 'ousted' because I won't forgive my ex. I simply can't.

I am entertaining the idea of selling my house and moving to another city to get away from all of this. Seems he comes out smelling like a rose and I look like a bitch. I have learned a lot about the music business through this...Ass kissing is definitely a requirement to get along. I don't kiss but very well.

Any suggestions or has anyone been through this?

 

Wow.

 

Just to clarify, do you mean "clique" when you said "cliche"? As in, circles of people/connections/etc. you and your ex have as musicians? I'm just confused, I'm sorry.

 

Not everyone stays friends with their exes, though. If you don't want to, you don't have to. I don't think forgiveness necessarily equates offering friendship. I think you can forgive someone and not want to be a part of anything they are and do anymore. When you see the person who offended you, you may say hi and stay cordial - I think that's one way to express that you've forgiven that person.

 

I remember there being a time when I did that (not an ex), but when they tried to approach me to go to lunch or do something that friends do, I declined. I told them that I was just being polite when I say hi, recognizing that they are a fellow human being, and that I was sorry that they understood it as "I'm ready to be friends with you now." Needless to say, that person stopped greeting me back. I was fine with that.

 

More recently, though... With Lawrence, a couple of our mutual friends were pushing for us to be friends. But in time, they started to see why I didn't want to stay friends and it's made some of them re-evaluate the relationships they had with the people in their past. The strongest proponents to stay friends with him were the same ones who said "I don't think you should be friends anymore."

 

That woman - I'll call her Sue - dealt with her ex one way, and you're dealing with yours the other way. If I were in your shoes, I would ease up the communication slowly - that way, she won't have anything to tell him eventually. How much detail about your personal life is she giving to him? Sue sounds elusive when she answers your questions. It seems to me that her sympathies lie with your ex. It's probably because you were the dumper. You didn't dump him for stupid reasons, unlike the dumpers we've heard about here on LS.

 

Is it really worth the move? I mean, everyone deals with hard stuff one way or the other, but will the move benefit your career? It sounds like you just want to move just to get away from these people. There's so many musicians in one place, perhaps you can network with different people now? Even if Sue will have connections with these people, she can say all she wants about you but I believe that most will go by with what they've experienced with someone and not hearsay. You'll be the one smelling like roses and she'll be the one smelling like fertilizer. No one likes a gossip!

[Prettyinblack]

Clique is the word..lol. Thank you so much for your kind and logical words. They really made sense to me when my emotions were running so high.

 

PIB

[Prettyinblack]

P.S. I am not at the forgiveness stage.....the STD has kept me in a place of hating him so much that I simply cannot forgive him.. He actually suggested that I was the one who cheated and as God as my witness, I never kissed another man in 7 years. I live with herpes and he continues to live in denial and is still passing it around. I haven't been sexual with anyone since November. Cam eclose, but no cigar.

Maybe the forgiveness will come but it sure doesn't feel like it right now....he is irresponsible and refuses to take ownership for this. I shouldn't really be so surprised....he lived in denial throughout our relationship and isn't going to change now.

 

PIB