Vicious_Delicious Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Okay, so me and my new girlfriend have been together for about 10 days now (and it's my first relationship). We've been seeing eachother for almost three months. She's mad at me now, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I have an idea, but she's still giving me the cold shoulder. We partied our asses off Saturday night, had a BLAST together, really opened up and talked about how great things were. Sunday morning comes and she shuts down on me on the drive back to her house. She says she is not feeling good. She invites me up to her room so we can rest together and then really starts complaining about how her stomach hurts. I asked her when it started to hurt, and she said "when you started asking me the same question over and over". I took that as a sign that she wanted me to leave her alone for a bit. I did tell her that I would stay until she felt better, but I just got this vibe that she really wanted me to leave. So I left. Fubar # 1. So, on the drive home, I get a text: "I really appreciate you staying, but I don't understand why you think there's always something wrong with me!" I do have a tendency to ask her if there is something wrong too much. I'm new at relationships, so I'm learning a lot of stuff (a lot of it the hard way). Anyways, I texted her back saying that I was not thinking right and that I needed to get some rest. However, I couldn't sleep, so I called her and explained why I left. She appeared to forgive me then and things were good, or so I thought. Anyways, I was unable to sleep later that evening so I called her so we could chat. Conversation started out okay, but then she would start implying that her boyfriend (me) "abandoned her and shattered her heart to pieces". She's very sarcastic, and she kept saying things along those lines in a sarcastic tone, but I know she was still mad about that. She also implied that I lied to her and I told her I didn't like that. It was a three hour phone call of me basically digging myself into a deep hole. I kept trying to hammer away at the issue to find out what was wrong, but she kept getting more distant and short with me. I even said that she was getting more distant and short, but she kept saying she wasn't. I told her that I was sorry for leaving her and making her feel sad, but every now and then she'd throw it back in my face with a sarcastic remark. She was being very irrational and acting like a drama queen. I should have ended the conversation loooong before the three hour mark, but I was not thinking right. Anyways, I ended the call and said goodnight and all that stuff. We really like eachother, and this is the first time I've ever had a mad girlfriend, and the first time anything has happened like this in our relationship. So, I'm really worried. What do I need to do? I know I have to give her space. All I'm going to do today is send her a text message saying Good morning because I told her I liked sending her those every morning. Thoughts? I'm really worried... I'm new at this stuff, so I'm soooo confused as to what I need to do.
imbewildered Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Sunday morning comes and she shuts down on me on the drive back to her house. She says she is not feeling good. THis was the moment when she was withdrawing and you needed to back away and let her stabilize. Then later you had a THREE hour conversation by phone when you shovelled shyte over yourself !! What are you doing.? When a woman gets hissy or pouty or "not feelimg good" you do what every smart guy does - you get out of there.and let her have a LOT of space. Women rarely know what their feelings mean .They cannot articulate their emotions even to themselves. They certainly cannot express their distress to you in a way that makes any sense to the mighty male mind. THis is why they have girlfriends.
Ronni_W Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 , I get a text: "I really appreciate you staying, but I don't understand why you think there's always something wrong with me!" I do have a tendency to ask her if there is something wrong too much. Since she said that she APPRECIATED that you stayed, that would suggest that you made the right call there. There is nothing "wrong" with a man who is confident and secure enough to make himself emotionally available to the people he cares about. (Note for future: when in doubt about what is going on or needed, ASKING is so much more mature and effective than being scared, abandoning and "running away" from the smallest show of feelings and emotions.) At the same time, learn how to express your own feelings -- let her know that, when she is sarcastic with you, you feel...??? (belittled? uncomfortable? disrespected? stupid?) Learn how to recognize and be honest about what you're experiencing. E.G., I'm feeling uncomfortable, and really don't know (if there is something appropriate to do), (if I should just ask you), (how to tell you ___ ), etc. Learn how to listen: what was "wrong" last night was that she felt abandoned -- she told you that but not in a positive way (using sarcasm.) Just say you finally clued-in what was wrong and you're sorry she felt that way but you didn't abandon her...you did what you thought she wanted. Promise each other to start communicating -- tell and ask what is needed and wanted -- instead of expecting the other person to guess and read minds and crap. Positive communication will get you further in the long run -- it just makes things feel better, and go smoother: Are you feeling happy/good? (instead of "is something wrong?") Do you need me to stay? (instead of "do you want me to go?") We're all so used to thinking and talking from a negative perspective, putting focus on what we DON'T like or want, instead of what we DO like and want. And it is tough to retrain our minds but it is worth it. So, I'd suggest to just start practicing -- put the brakes on your mouth until your brain has figured a positive way to express what you want to say or ask. Most important: When you get ANY dating/relationship advice, apply your own instincts and intellect...make sure that whatever you do is according to your own values and what you believe reflects the type of partner YOU want to be.
Author Vicious_Delicious Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 How long do I need to back off for? And is it bad that something like this has happened this early in the relationship? She told me a bunch of really good things about the relationship on Saturday, how her family really likes me, how her friends like me, how they all notice how much happier she is, etc. etc. I was just shocked to see a 180 degree turn over the course of a few hours.
Author Vicious_Delicious Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 Okay, so she sent me a text message earlier today about how sorry she was for the way she acted. I responded by thanking her for her apology, but I said I wanted to talk to her. So I asked if she could call me when she got off work. She then texted me back "yeah, what time will you be done with everything?" I responded by telling her that I would be done around 9:30 or so. 9:30ish rolls around, no call. So I try to call her around 10:30pm and the phone rings then goes to voicemail. I left a very short message, asking her to call me back. This bugs me. Is it possible that she needs more space and wasn't ready to discuss anything? Should I not have called and left a voicemail? I'm really worried about this situation. However, I'm doing my best to keep my cool. My current plan of action is to wait it out.
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