Crying.

[Poppy68]

I posted elsewhere about the state of my 20+ year relationship with an unemotional and non demonstrative man. Now there is another twist. Basically, the guy who I had the short affair with is back on the scene, even though I broke off all contact, and left my job to avoid him.

 

I feel so lost and alone in my long standing relationship, I feel unloved and even though I have tried countless times to initiate some intimacy and affection, its just not happening, and I feel almost like I'm begging, and that makes me feel even worse.

 

This "affair" guy made me feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and like a real woman in every way. I cannot believe he still wants me after all the crap I put him through. He is single, no kids, btw.

 

I feel so shallow for even thinking about restarting the affair, but this man provides an oasis of love in my emotional desert.

 

I just need some help and advice.

[Bryanp]

This is just a thought but maybe you should come clean and be honest with your man. This may be the catalyst you need to change the dynamics of your relationship. It is unfair to him and it is unfair to you to go running behind his back to have sex with your lover.

[theobserver]

Look I don't care how long you've been together, if you're married or not I wish people would just be honest rather then putting up and then cheating on the side to feel loved. Put your man down all you want but I bet if someone asked him about you he would give a book on how wondering life has been with you but then again maybe not.

 

Why do you stay with a man who is unresponsive for 20+ years? Children.. that's a poor excuse these days. Financial stability? That's a rather rotten sad reason to be around there's always an alternative it just means doing things you didn't think you could.

 

My advice. Talk to your man. Express your feelings and if things can't change SEPERATE. oh but but our home our stuff bla bla bla stop living a lie sort out a nice clean way for you both to break free or move in with someone else depending on who owns the home.

 

As for the other man unless he is truely in love with you be wary. As a man I know how sneaky my friends and men in general can be in order to get women to do what they/we want.

 

It's easy we've manipulated what women want in media and history for years. Obviously he can see nothing has changed in your life since NC probably from a quick conversation you're still desperate and lusting over him. However imagine you shack up with this man how can you trust a man who would pursue a woman in a relationship without asking her to break it off?

 

Unless he has asked you to leave him, but even so he might seem great and perfect now much like your boyfriend did in the beginning but understand you haven't seen the real him yet everyone puts on their best moves and say the right words until they have you caught. You might not like him at all when you see the real him. Stop living in fantasy, seperate and then get all the sexual gratification you need and maybe just maybe find the loving man you've been waiting decades for.

[Ronni_W]

...made me feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and like a real woman in every way. ...this man provides an oasis of love in my emotional desert.

IF you believe that the only way you can find happiness and peace is through an affair, then you DO deserve, and owe it to yourself, to follow through on that belief.

 

On the other hand. Maybe it has come time for you to make a decision? -- for yourself much more so than for/about your husband/marriage. Before you approach your husband, KNOW what you want. As things relate to him, I can only see two options, really: commit to making a HUGE effort to get your marriage on track, or start divorce proceedings.

 

Are there any reasons that can compel you to act in a more honest and courageous way?

Pretty prose notwithstanding, you have typed excuses intended to make it "okay" to restart your affair. Your words make it seem as if you are the victim of "an unemotional and non demonstrative man". But it is not as easy as typing it. BOTH you AND your husband are victims of a 20+ year lack of commitment and collaboration to improve things.

 

IMO, it isn't "shallow" to consider engaging in an affair. Depending on your exact thought processes, it is more likely "self-centred," "delusional," or something more along those lines -- only your heart knows for sure.

[whichwayisup]

Before you attempt to get involved again with the OM, you need to divorce your husband. Staying in a marriage when you're so miserable is pointless. Ask yourself WHY you are still married? Is it for financial reasons? Security and companionship? Both you and your husband deserve happiness and love, so if neither of you are getting that from eachother, then it's time to talk to him.

 

If the OM loves you and is single, he'll wait for you. Having an affair just so he can meet some of your needs that aren't being met in your marriage isn't fair to him, nor to your husband, it's selfish and everyone will get hurt.

[Poppy68]

To BryanP: Yes - I believe honesty is the best way. I want the relationship with my partner to change, and we have tried before, many times. It does for a while, then its like he says "Right, thats enough, I can't be bothered anymore". I know that all relationships have their ups and downs, and I can live with that, but consistent outright refusals to show me any affection - like if I give him a hug, he just stands there with his arms by his sides until I let him go. If I ask him to kiss me, there is no reaction, and as for anything else, well thats just a flat no.

 

To TheObsever: I'm not putting my man down. I know for a fact that he talks about me in a loving and proud way to other people. I am also aware that any decent man would not even be pursuing a woman who is committed to another man, and while thats all very well, it still happens. I am also aware that all the "fun" might well stop, even if I pursue this affair - and I will remind you that it is NOT simply physical gratification that I am after...gods sake, I have been doing that myself for years. Thats why Ann Summers was invented!

 

To RonnieW: Yes, I know I am being selfish and delusional, and making up every excuse in the book as to why I should pursue this course of action. Its because I want to feel loved. And I want to get caught too, if I'm honest, because I want my current partner to realise what is happening (without me having to spell it out to him, because I'm a chicken, basically) I know deep in my heart that having an affair is not the answer - thats why I ended it all in the first place.

 

To WhcihWayisUp: Yes, to be honest, I would never run away with this man. He DOES meet the lacking 10% of my long standing relationship. I hate deceit, and this is not the answer. I know I'm being utterly selfish.....but right now, there is a tiny bit of me that doesn't give a hoot.

[imagine]

I just wanted to welcome a Scottish Poppie (shouldn't it have been a thistle)...

 

I hear this quite often on these forums and it is terrible that many people start an affair to supplement their marriage, pretty much like a vitamin supplement.

 

Many of these same folk leave a trail of devastation which take years to recover.

 

Some actually kick-start their marriage into a new and wonderful phase but only after forgiveness and restoration by the betrayed spouse takes place. The flip side is, of course, divorce and devastation for the whole family.

 

Some-one posted quite recently and caught hubbies attention by informing him that she was contemplating an affair. It certainly did catch his attention and brought him to a state of depression.

 

Speaking for myself, I probably would need an act of parliament to get me out of complacency. Really, every now and again I think we all need a swift kick up the jack to keep us on the straight and narrow. (Well... me anyway!)

 

I know that if my wife told me that she was interested in another man but needed me to help her to recover - Dang sure she would have my attention!

 

Hope this helps Scottish lass.

[Poppy68]

Dear Imagine....lol, yes, perhaps it should have been thistle after all. Never thought of it that way - but thank you for your welcome. Its appreciated.

 

I saw that post about the wife being honest with her husband regarding the potential for her having an affair. I admired her honesty, and felt annoyed that the husband should find himself so low, instead of using it as a reason to set the marriage on fire again. But then again, I'm biased, because thats the reaction I would want from my partner, and yet the reaction from the man mentioned above is exactly how my partner WOULD react. Which probably accounts for my annoyance. I hope he works things out.

As for myself - well...I just do not know. Part of me wants to shove this laptop at him and show this forum, screaming "LOOK!!! Look at how I feel and think" Part of me thinks about writing him a letter. But I am afraid. Afraid of hurting him, making him sad. Part of me just wants to go ahead with the affair and bugger the consequences. I did try earlier to talk to him again, but he took it as a personal attack, and got very defensive, resulting in us not speaking at all now. *sigh*

 

So I will sleep on it tonight, and see what tomorrow brings.

 

Thanks again, Imagine. P.S. I really like your quote from Yeats.

[Bryanp]

I just wonder if you would be better telling him you previously had an affair and see if he will fight for you. If you go and continue the affair with this man then when you husband finds out that this is the second time with the same man; the chances are he will end the marriage. Are you willing to risk and accept this?

 

You say you are too chicken to be upfront and totally honest about your previous affair, but apparently not too checken about resuming a sexual affair behind your husband's back. I think any spouse deserves the truth about the state of their marriage including knowledge of any previous affairs. If you resume your affair then more than likely you may want to start looking for a new place because your marriage will most likely be over.

[Ronni_W]

But I am afraid. Afraid of hurting him, making him sad. Part of me just wants to go ahead with the affair and bugger the consequences.

Poppy,

That kind of confused thinking will keep you forever stuck in an endless loop of frustration and indecision.

Hurting him and making him sad ARE, ultimately, the consequences...of having an affair OR of not finding your voice. EITHER/BOTH of those "options" lead to the same place of hurt and sadness...for BOTH your husband and you.

 

But YOU do have the power to effect something entirely different for yourselves.

 

Rather than "screaming" your feelings and thoughts at your husband, it may prove more worthwhile to learn how to calmly, lovingly and honestly open up your heart and mind to him. It may take a while. You may first need to overcome some of your anger and resentment. Those are understandable, normal feelings to have in the circumstances, but they will not facilitate an improvement in your marital relationship.

 

Your post is suggesting that you WANT your husband to know your unhappiness, and you would appreciate his interest and desire in helping you learn how to be happy with him, again. But HE NEEDS YOU to help him gain an understanding of what's going on for you. He is not a mind reader -- it's not a case of "he should know by now" or "if he really loved me he would know." Those thoughts do not reflect real life.

And you both need each other's help so that, together, you can learn how to truly support and encourage your mutual and individual goals...and be happy and successful as a couple, in the years to come.

 

You may want to check marriagebuilders.com -- there are some terrific articles, questionnaires, insight and info available. Wishing you the best.

[Meaplus3]

I posted elsewhere about the state of my 20+ year relationship with an unemotional and non demonstrative man. Now there is another twist. Basically, the guy who I had the short affair with is back on the scene, even though I broke off all contact, and left my job to avoid him.

 

I feel so lost and alone in my long standing relationship, I feel unloved and even though I have tried countless times to initiate some intimacy and affection, its just not happening, and I feel almost like I'm begging, and that makes me feel even worse.

 

This "affair" guy made me feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and like a real woman in every way. I cannot believe he still wants me after all the crap I put him through. He is single, no kids, btw.

 

I feel so shallow for even thinking about restarting the affair, but this man provides an oasis of love in my emotional desert.

 

I just need some help and advice.

 

First and foremost here you need to deal with your marriage. If your H is not making you feel special and loved then you need to convey that to him or let him go by means of a divorce. The OM should not be in the picture until your marriage is delt with. Best wishes.

 

AP:)

[Sal Paradise]

Talk to your husband. Tell him everything. If he is willing attempt to fix the marriage. If he is unwilling file for divorce. Those are your only two options.

[Poppy68]

BRYANP: Yes, I do realise that if I say to him I am thinking of resuming an affair with the same man, the whole thing will be off before I get the words out of my mouth. However, telling him that I have even HAD an affair, will result in the same thing. There will be no discussion. The way I feel this morning, after yesterdays posting, is that I am not willing to throw away a basically good, long term relationship for the sake of an affair.

 

RONNIEW: I am not assuming my partner is a mind reader, and that he should "know" how I feel. What I am puzzled about is his apparent lack of concern, or understanding, when I go to kiss him and he turns away, or I go to hug him and he just stands there, or I try and initiate some sort of intimacy, and he pushes me away. I mean wtf?? When I try and talk to him about how I feel, and how we could try and make the relationship better for us both, he says things like "Well, if you want all that, you can get it elsewhere" knowing perfectly well that if I ever did, he would go. There are no physical health problems, btw, that would prevent him from giving me a kiss and saying I Love You. None whatsoever.

 

MEAPLUS3 : Yes, I know- break up with one before moving on. But I don't want to break up with him, I just to feel loved by him. Its draining having to ask for affection all the time, and saps my self confidence as a person as well as a woman. Thats why its so easy to fall into the trap of an affair. I have no self esteem. Having said that, I do not feel the only way I can be a woman is if someone loves me or not. Its just when in a relationship, its meant to be equal, not as unbalanced as this is.

 

SAL PARADISE: Thank you for being straight forward. Basically they are the only two options available. Other than that, I could put up with things the way they are, or leave and live alone. At the moment, living alone seems a very attractive option!!

[Ronni_W]

...his apparent lack of concern, or understanding, when I go to kiss him and he turns away, or I go to hug him and he just stands there, or I try and initiate some sort of intimacy, and he pushes me away.

Yes, those are definitely the actions of someone who is emotionally unavailable and unable to give or receive positive feelings in normal ways.

 

My ex wasn't half as unavailable as what you describe...but it sure was bad enough on my psyche, so I do understand a bit of where you are. It was difficult to maintain my own self-esteem and self-confidence.

Living like that is depleting, exhausting and soul-sucking; and I decided to leave when I realized that we had an extremely small chance of permanently improving our situation. (Our counseling efforts were unsuccessful.)

 

Later on, we did wonder whether it might have helped "us" get back on track if I would have had an affair -- maybe just the crazy-talk of a divorcing couple. Of course we'll never know. But for one spouse to be waiting for the other to take such drastic action before they will MAYBE decide to take the problem seriously...what ARE they thinking??? I honestly don't know.

 

Because I would have felt so freakin' crappy about myself -- nevermind how he or others would have judged it. To have an affair, I would have been well past all the external fall-out, anyway.

 

So, that's what I meant before -- you DO deserve to have high self-esteem and self-confidence. And, IMO, it does make sense to do whatever is necessary to have those.

 

Best of luck. I get that there are no "attractive" options. So, may as well choose the one that has best hope of bringing you longest-term happiness and peace.

[fubarred]

 

This "affair" guy made me feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and like a real woman in every way.

 

I feel so shallow for even thinking about restarting the affair, but this man provides an oasis of love in my emotional desert.

 

 

Providing an "oasis of love" in someones "emotional desert" is VERY easy... especially when he doesn't have to deal with the hard part of life with you. I bet if you sat down with ANY man and shared with him like you have with your affair partner, he could feed you the exact same line of BS if it meant getting into your pants.

[imagine]

Poppy

 

Sounds like life is a little dull over there.

 

Fish net stockings and a mini-skirt could change all that. Tell him that you're off to the club,and he can tag along if he is good. You may have to spank him.

 

If this is not your (or his) style, you can't do worse than read the articles at the marriage builder website.

 

Keep in touch!

[imagine]

Hi again P

 

If you have not already done so, check the thread "My affair made my marriage great".

 

Chat to the lady!

[MiVatoPorVida]

Hi again P

 

If you have not already done so, check the thread "My affair made my marriage great".

 

Chat to the lady!

 

Yes P, by all means chat with me... reading your post, it sounds as if I wrote it. He was the same way with me for 14 years. We did have our moments of love and happiness but it was so hard to conversate with him... People tell me it was the Scorpio side of him... when I see him, i see his dad. His mom outgoing and is the life of the party,, but his dad always crept up in his bedroom watching tv or sleeping even during a party, but his mom has dealt with it for 35 years. I told him time and time again, that I am not his mom. I need his complete attention, I need his love and compassion. he never listened. When he talks to you about work and friends, he expects u to listen, but when u try to tell him something, its like u r talking to a wall, or "he doesnt care about those things"? or "Tell him later" and then later never comes. He kisses u at home but in public, he walks 20 feet ahead of u? Or he cant hold your hand in public "what for, were married already". When u try to tell him that u r not happy and/or u r leaving his response "yeah whatever, do what u want". Oh yeah.... I could go on and on. I went thru all that and then some.... and the way I found tranquility was with OM. yeah, he told me time and time again i was beautiful, any man would be so lucky to have a girl llike me, and he would never treat me the way my H does. Sounds good and dandy.... and I was loving it. My H found had suspicions, he noticed a change in me. But I was honest up front with him. And now I am dealing with the consequences of it all. I love my H and now that he knows the reason for my Affair, he is doing his part and I am doing mine. An affair is not the answer.U had the affair and good for u he hasnt found out, but if he were to, would u be honest with him and admit to it up front? And he OM is still in the pic.... as long as the OM is telling u what u want to hear, u wont be able to clear your head giving u a chance to fix what u have at home. Cuz for those months that the EA started, I did not want to hear what my H had to say. After the A one of the things he told me was, I shoudl have talked to him and told him how I felt. "What"? for years I tried. I guess what I am trying to say is that an A is not going to make things right. If he finds out it will only make things harder. My hsuband has forgave me and we r doing so much better now than we have in the last 14 years... but it is still a roller coaster ride trying to regain his trust back. So unless u r willing to go up and down that ride and be even more patient now that he really is going to ignore u for a while and at times... then u need to stop the contact with the OM. And if things dont work out in the long run with u and your H..... u will see if the OM really did care and had the patience for u. Hope I made sense.

[Poppy68]

......He was the same way with me for 14 years. We did have our moments of love and happiness but it was so hard to conversate with him... I told him time and time again, that I am not his mom. I need his complete attention, I need his love and compassion. he never listened. When he talks to you about work and friends, he expects u to listen, but when u try to tell him something, its like u r talking to a wall, or "he doesnt care about those things"? or "Tell him later" and then later never comes. He kisses u at home but in public, he walks 20 feet ahead of u? Or he cant hold your hand in public "what for, were married already". When u try to tell him that u r not happy and/or u r leaving his response "yeah whatever, do what u want". Oh yeah.... I could go on and on. I went thru all that and then some.... and the way I found tranquility was with OM. yeah, he told me time and time again i was beautiful, any man would be so lucky to have a girl llike me, and he would never treat me the way my H does. Sounds good and dandy.... and I was loving it. And he OM is still in the pic.... as long as the OM is telling u what u want to hear, u wont be able to clear your head giving u a chance to fix what u have at home. Cuz for those months that the EA started, I did not want to hear what my H had to say. After the A one of the things he told me was, I shoudl have talked to him and told him how I felt. "What"? for years I tried. I guess what I am trying to say is that an A is not going to make things right. If he finds out it will only make things harder. My hsuband has forgave me and we r doing so much better now than we have in the last 14 years... but it is still a roller coaster ride trying to regain his trust back. So unless u r willing to go up and down that ride and be even more patient now that he really is going to ignore u for a while and at times... then u need to stop the contact with the OM. And if things dont work out in the long run with u and your H..... u will see if the OM really did care and had the patience for u.....

 

I am sorry for repeating most of your post on here, M, but all that I have repeated here, is EXACTLY what it is like. AND he is a Scorpio. Yes, he walks ahead of me in public, refuses to hold my hand - never mind anything else in public. He doesn't even kiss me at home! lol

 

He is generally a good man, and I do love him, immensley, and I suppose I should be grateful that this is the only thing I have to complain about. But its a BIG thing. I'm not going to pursue the OM affair, because, while its wonderful to be told that I'm perfect, etc, having an affair is not the answer for me. Thats why I broke it off before. It was simply wrong. I enjoyed the affection lots, but it was coming from the wrong man. Its like having pasta, when you want steak! (Fills you, but there is no goodness in it) Besides, from current communication with OM, its basically all about the physical & emotional, which is kind of sickening, because there is nothing else we have in common. I have spent over 20 years with a man who is my best friend, and I don't want to lose that just for a bucketload of kisses.

[Poppy68]

Hi Imagine - I have looked at the marriage builders website, and, well, I dunno. I will go back and read some more, because to be fair, I only skimmed it and thought immediatly "Oh, thats not for me" so I perhaps didn't give it a fair chance. Thanks.

[Poppy68]

RonnieW - I was only thinking of having the affair because it was an option that had become available to me. Its not something I would actively pursue on my own. It felt good the first time round, but wasn't right, so I ended it. I don't see me taking up the OM offer again, to be honest. Yes, it was appealing and tempting because I was wanted and needed, but....its simply the wrong man who wants me. Thank you anyway for your openess and non-judgemental comments.

[Poppy68]

Fubarred - yes you are probably right. Thank you. Vulnerable Woman=BS=Removal of Underwear. Hmmmm.

[MiVatoPorVida]

He doesn't even kiss me at home! lol

 

He is generally a good man, and I do love him, immensley, and I suppose I should be grateful that this is the only thing I have to complain about. But its a BIG thing. I'm not going to pursue the OM affair, because, while its wonderful to be told that I'm perfect, etc, having an affair is not the answer for me. Thats why I broke it off before. It was simply wrong. I enjoyed the affection lots, but it was coming from the wrong man. Its like having pasta, when you want steak! (Fills you, but there is no goodness in it) Besides, from current communication with OM, its basically all about the physical & emotional, which is kind of sickening, because there is nothing else we have in common. I have spent over 20 years with a man who is my best friend, and I don't want to lose that just for a bucketload of kisses.

 

Had to be a scorpio.... how did I guess!!! Nah, but for real, back too you. I wanted to leave you a post because honestly, I dont recommend an affair to NO ONE> and as bold or hard or mean they may presume to be.... they really are not. WHen my husband found out, he cried, he cried like I have never seen from a man.... it killed me so much to see this man I have knowwn and loved for 14+ years always hard, and serious and no cares about no one, never shows emotion and then to break down the way he did... God it tore my heart up. My heart is hurting right now just thinking about what I did to him. No matter how much anger or resentment, I had towards him before the affair.... he didnt deserve what I did.

 

It's like u hate to love or love to hate him right? Poppy... u need to seriously sit down and have a serious talk with him.... Tell him you love him and dont want to lose him, but "you are not happy". One thing my husband told me after the affair... why didnt I tell him how I was feeling... yeah right, "I always did" he just never listened. He apologized and said to me that if "if he wasn't listening then I should have told my mom or his brother or my brother how I was feeling and so that they can go back and tell him how I was feeling. so like that it can hit him that it is really getting serious". Cause trust me, when u threaten him with "im leaving and then dont do it, it does not work." SO maybe you should talk to a brother or sister or mom, someone that wont critisize and NOT one of his friends"

 

At this point they feel that u r not going no where so deal with it... and beleive u dont have to deal with it. My husband and I are doing great right now.... but in time, if his patterns return because honestly if he uses the affair excuse all the time, it may not always work... i will try my hardest to deal with it as much as I can, but in the long run... I need to think about myself and my happiness. The affair only happened because I was Not Happy... it wasnt because he goes out on weekends or because he was bad in bed or because we lost the spark... it was completely for lack of compassion and communication, there fore I was not completely happy... so if he returns to his old ways then I guess things are not going to work out and I WIll have to move on with my life and let him move on with his. but u really need to find a way to hit him in the gut with your emotions so he can realize you are fed up.