spookie Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I'd like to preface this by saying that everyone who wants to post just to tell me I'm a drug addict or that I should leave my bf cause he peed on me, not to bother. This is a place for support, right? That's what I'm looking for... not to be bashed for old lifestyle choices, not for my R to be hunted for red flags that don't exist. Things are going really well for me. Remember how I had some financial problems a year ago following my breakup, which caused me to turn to stripping so I could make ends meet and finish school? And then in May I graduated and moved north for an internship and a new start? Well, I kicked a$$ at the internship and got a really sweet full-time offer a few weeks ago, which I'm quite proud of thanks to all that I went through alone to get here; and I also met someone. TT. The guy who wet the bed. I've been told repeatedly on LS that this won't last for one reason or another, that we're a bad influence on each other, since both of us used to drink quite heavily and did so together before we became a couple; but the truth is, I'm in such a better place than I was before I met him. I barely drink at all (I can even go to bars and sip water all night now that I've realized what I like about alcohol is how it affects the people AROUND me), we drink together only very rarely, he's an amazing boyfriend, a really nice person, we view relationships the same way, have the same sense of humor, want the same things out of life, and in the past couple of months, we've really fallen in love. My point is, this is something good. Something worth fighting for. But the summer is over, and yesterday TT flew back to school. He'll be 8 hours away, for 8 months. I'll be moving downtown. All alone in a city I know no one. I want this to work, and so does he, but I'm scared. I've never been a big phone person, or very good at keeping in touch; this is his first real relationship; we've only known each other for 3 months. I'm afraid I'll lose feelings for him amidst all the fun of being employed and in a new place and end up hurting him when he comes to visit. He is such a good person and I care about him so much that this scares me more than anything; I don't want him of all people to end up hating him. I'm afraid that I won't but when he comes it'll be different. I'm a little afraid he'll get depressed or lonely and cheat on me or do something stupid. Or that I will. How do we make it work?
Trialbyfire Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I'm probably the last person who can give you advice on how to make an LDR work but I'll try. I've only had one and it was a disaster. I'm not built for them...period... Both of you have to be dedicated to the idea and want to put time and energy into communicating. This means daily, if at all possible. It doesn't mean you can't have a life away from each other though because regardless of LDR or same proximity, you both need down time. If both of you can afford it, fly and see each other as often as possible. Beyond that, don't forget to romance each other with small gifts or words of appreciation. Good luck.
Author spookie Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 I'm probably the last person who can give you advice on how to make an LDR work but I'll try. I've only had one and it was a disaster. I'm not built for them...period... Both of you have to be dedicated to the idea and want to put time and energy into communicating. This means daily, if at all possible. It doesn't mean you can't have a life away from each other though because regardless of LDR or same proximity, you both need down time. If both of you can afford it, fly and see each other as often as possible. Beyond that, don't forget to romance each other with small gifts or words of appreciation. Good luck. Why did yours end in disaster? The positives of this particular LDR situation IMO are that: -we're really into each other -there's an end in sight (when he moves here after graduation) -I like spending time alone and he has a good group of friends, so neither of us are going to get so lonely we'll seek another relationship or anything like that -with the money I'm making now and his savings and the salary he can expect in 8 months, reasonable travel expenses (at least once a month) should not be a problem The negatives are: -he has no experience - I don't like talking on the phone and he doesn't like instant messaging -while I don't really believe this, 3 months may not be long enough to "know" someone -Unlike with my first-love ex, I don't feel like I would die if we broke up. I don't know if this is maturity gained from the realization that I actually won't die as a result of that relationship ending, or because TT is missing some essential "it" factor. As an actuary, though, I understand that the happy healthy relationship we have is not so common and something worth holding on to; I care about him; he's perfect for me and he makes me happy. For now, especially since my feelings have steadily grown stronger for him with time, I'm choosing to assume the latter; however, a small part of me is scared that one day I'll wake up and change my mind and start pining over my ex again. (Right now I feel nothing for my ex, just sadness at how time washes away memory of people I have loved.)
Trialbyfire Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 What didn't go wrong you ask? That should hopefully answer your question! Whether it's an LDR or real life situation, there are no safe harbours in life. All you can do is put into this relationship, what you're capable of giving and if he returns it at the same level, you'll retain your connection. If not, it will be no different than the cessation of a non-cyberspace relationship.
jerbear Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I had an LDR and it was very interesting and expensive! It was before unlimited evenings and roll over minutes. What work for us is the "end" in sight and I was the chaser. We both talked on the phone everyday, visited, own lives, and such. What didn't work was that it is easier to not talk to each other when one of us is mad at each other after an argument. It was the arguments that were the demise of my LDR. I say go for it and see what happens, 8 months is a long time. oh my LDR lasted for about 2 years.
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