Lonelystar Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 So it has been a while since I posted. I am doing okay, except when that time of month comes around. I think I may have PMD, but other than that I am fine. However, my ex is still contacting me telling me how much he misses me, but how he just can;'t be in this relationship.I won't lie I have contacted him a few times as well. However, it is so hard to get over when you keep in contact, trust me. I e-mailed him saying that I feel hurt by his actions, and I felt that he just walked away Oh boy! big mistake. I get this angry e-mail telling me that I he feels offended by my e-mail. How he didn't walk away, and if I am trying to hurt him by my words. Those were never my intentions, but I wanted him to know how I felt. He asked me and I told him the truth. I do feel hurt, and I have been sick due to all the emotional turmoil i am dealing with (relationship and non-relationship issues). I wish I had never sent that email, and I know I need to cut off all ties with him. It is so hard because he was my best friend, and we were together for such a long time. I guess I am confused, and wonder what I should do.
Ronni_W Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I e-mailed him saying that I feel hurt by his actions, and I felt that he just walked away If, in the email, you expressed your feelings in the same way you did here, then it is HIS problem that he is not open to hearing others' feelings and opinions. Getting offended by what's going on inside someone else's head and heart demonstrates lack of self-confidence & self-esteem, unwillingness to allow others to be who they are and express their own truths, lack of empathy, etc. In this case, he appears to want to spin things so that he comes out a victim, and "oh, poor me...I'm so offended (hurt)." That's BS. From your post, you DO know what you "should" do. Yes, he used to be your best friend, but as your own needs and desires emerge and become clearer, can he still offer you (your true self, that is) the same unconditional support and encouragement as he did in the past? Perhaps that is a question worth considering at this point? Sending hugs and good wishes.
Author Lonelystar Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 You are a 100% right. I know what I should do, but have been stalling for some stupid reason. I guess it is hard for me to let him go, but I have to do it. This constant contact is making it harder for me to get over him. I only expressed my feelings to him, and I do feel abandoned and hurt by his actions. I think he may feel guilty, and is trying to ease his own guilt. I know he is feeling "ill", but I have feelings too. Meh. I am moving soon, and I hope that takes away some of the pain. I know I can't hide from the hurt, but a change of scenery may do me some good. Thank you so much for replying.
Author Lonelystar Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 I realized why it is so hard for me to get over him. First, he was my first love and I gave everything to this relationship. Secondly, this is his second time leaving me and I feel so duped. He says he is ill mentally, and thus cannot be in a relationship, and I don't know if this is a valid reason for leaving. Lastly, I have issues of being abandoned. My parents sent me away when I was young, and horrible things ensued afterwards ( I won't go into detail), and him leaving suddenly brought the feelings I had when I was a kid. It is so hard, and it has been a couple of months. My cousins is getting married, my best friend is married, and both my sisters are married. I feel so left out of the loop, because here I am single and nobody to relate to. I wish I could start dating, but it just doesn't feel right. I am not interested in other guys. Is it wrong to want him back, even though he hurt me this way. I know I deserve someone who will love me, and not run away from things, but I can't help but miss him. I want him back, and nobody else interest me. I hope time heals all wounds, because there is a lot of healing that needs to be done.
Ronni_W Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 I hope time heals all wounds, because there is a lot of healing that needs to be done. I prefer to take charge and actively participate in my own emotional healing and recovery, rather than just wait for "time" or anything else. As you have become aware, your current feelings about the end of your relationship are entangled with your memories of your prior traumatic experiences. It is important for you to keep these two events separate in your mind and heart. What is happening in the current time is NOT the same as, or related to, what happened in the past. Even if it feels possible, your ex cannot "make up" for the past or keep you emotionally and/or physically protected in the future. No one else can. So you do need to find your inner strengths as they'll allow you to take care of your own emotional needs. That way, you'll always know that you don't have to fear being 'duped' or abandoned again -- you will always have 'you' . And, separate to all of that, you're also dealing with the break-up of your relationship. It is difficult to let go of one's first love. Perhaps you'll find something useful at this site: http://www.coping.org/grief/letgo.htm It's definitely not "wrong" to feel that it would be better to have him back in your life. But you must also consider how accurate that is -- would it really be "better" to be with someone who has admitted that he isn't capable of being in a relationship? Could someone like that really treat you how you want and deserve to be treated? (It's more important that he said that he can't, than if it's valid or not.) It's also fine and normal that you aren't interested in anyone else right now. It may not feel like it but, in the long run, it's more fulfilling being single than knowing you ended up settling for your ex or someone else just because you don't like being single, or are afraid of being alone, or expect/hope that he'll help you feel safe and better about your past negative experiences. You are obviously a strong person -- you did survive those horrible things when you were young. So, you can rest assured that you will survive the loss of your first love, too. You can totally trust and have faith in yourself. When you are ready, it will be time to expand your social circle, focus on getting back to your own hobbies and interests, continue your personal development and growth, and plan for your happy and successful future.
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