ellen24 Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 hi everyone. first i want to say how much strength this website has given to me. I've posted a few threads, got a couple really good responses, but even besides the responses, it was really comforting to me to know that other people were going though similar things. the one thing i noticed is that most people recomment NC for every relationship. I would say that every relationship is different and you have to do what your gut tells you to do, but am still trying to figure out if NC is the best option or not. My bf of 5 1/2 year and took a "break" three weeks ago b/c he kept saying he needed "space" and it wasn't me. he said if it was something we could talk through he woudl tell me, but it wasn't but that he needed to get his own apt and be alone for a while. he said he still wanted us to be together adn moving out didn't mean he didn't want to be with me. i was fine with that, until i found out he tooka random girl out to dinner so i told him he needed to move out the next day. ( i did call the girl who said she was a friend of his cousin's and that it wasn't really a date, but she thought something could have happened if she had wanted it to... to me that is a date). So he moved out and there was one week of hell when he came by coldy every night to get "some" of his stuff". Chinook ( another poster) gave me the advice to tell him to get it all out, which he did for the most part. after one full week, the last time he came to get his work suits, he was a total jerk and i had resigned to go NC until i got a text the next day, saying "sorry i was acting like such an ass last night. i just get really mad sometimes". i almost didn't reply, but then wrote back "tx. i've been a spaz lately too." b/c i had been crying alll week and and acting totally devastated and desperate. so after that, the next day he started texting random things, asking about upcoming events that i had, calling me baby, etc. so i just went with it. replied to him, but very curtly. never initiated the contact. he would send things like " you're the best" and i would just send a smiley face back. anyway, i ended up going away for a weekendand he was sending me all sort os thing, like why wasn't i picking up my phone. when i got back, i met up with him and told him it really hurt my feeling that he called only when he needed things and that i loved him and knew he was going through stuff but that i missed being his partner in everyting, he said he still loved me and we had a chance still,but didn't say let's get back together. then i went away for a whole week, and when i got back he asked me out for friday night. we went out and had a great time. he slept over and stayed the whole weekend. i never really brought up us, but did hear him on the phone with a friend who asked him to lunch and he said " no, i am about to eat with my girl." everything he referenced was about us and the future, but he didn't relly seem apologetic for the way he pulled away and hurt me the past three weeks... so, it seems like he does still love me and miss me. By being in contact with him, i def still have him to some degree, but i am wondering if i had done NC from the get-go, would he be more apologetic right now?? on the one hand, i understand that he is going through a tough time and might need time alone, but on the other hand, i wish i had been angrier, rather than just so sad about it. i will let you all know how it goes int the future. I kind of think NC is always a must for a break- up, but the lines are more gray for a "break." My thought process intially was, why should i go NC for something that i really want. why should i walk away and not fight for it?? but now maybe i think NC might send a stronger message. like if the guy is unsure, losing you will mkae him sure/unsure that he doesn't want that... I told him about two weeks a go that i really missed him and did he miss me and he said " sometimes". but i think he only missed me sometime b/c he knew he hadn't lost me, but i felt like i had really lost him. thoughts?? esp from guys who might have felt unsure at some point about their realtionship! thanks.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 When you allow him to take what he needs without giving what you need, he will simply continue to do so and you'll stay in this limbo until your heart just can't take it anymore. He isn't doing all of this because he wants the relationship back. He's doing it because he misses certain parts of your relationship, and he is seeing that he can still get those parts without actually having to have a relationship with you in order to get it. Meanwhile, chances are pretty good that he will be missing relationship type stuff and will be looking for that with someone else. When he finds it, he will transfer those things he is getting with you to a new girlfriend who will meet all of his needs without him having to pick and choose certain areas of a relationship. If he doesn't find anyone else out there, he may come back to you but once someone requests a 'break', it rarely if ever returns to what it was before that point. The idea of NC is to force the person who requests a 'break' to see that you are a package deal. NC means that they don't get to come over and play boyfriend/girlfriend after the break. They don't get to leave your heart in limbo. It is one way or the other. If they want part of you, they have to have all of you. NC is the only way to make them re-evaluate what it is they want and don't want from the relationship and what they will or won't do in order to get it back. Anything less is just letting them pick and choose with no intention of changing that, while you go out of your way to be nice so that they will want you back. One way to keep contact and still keep up the walls preventing him from taking what he isn't entitled to is to go to limited contact. With this, you are still in contact but there are a few rules: No physical contact. No relationship talk. No talk about the future. No formal dates. No sleeping over or sharing a bed. Limited phone calls, with limited time for each call. If he wants physical contact, relationship talk, wants to talk about the future, wants to date and wants to talk to you for long intimate periods of time, then he can change his mind about the break and recommit to you. If he is not willing to do that, you will continue to force him into 'friends only'. This sets your boundaries. The lines should not be blurred or grey. The stronger you are, the more likely it will be that he will stop being "confused" or whatever it is that people are when they want a break.
Yamaha Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 when you allow him to take what he needs without giving what you need, he will simply continue to do so and you'll stay in this limbo until your heart just can't take it anymore. He isn't doing all of this because he wants the relationship back. He's doing it because he misses certain parts of your relationship, and he is seeing that he can still get those parts without actually having to have a relationship with you in order to get it. Meanwhile, chances are pretty good that he will be missing relationship type stuff and will be looking for that with someone else. When he finds it, he will transfer those things he is getting with you to a new girlfriend who will meet all of his needs without him having to pick and choose certain areas of a relationship. If he doesn't find anyone else out there, he may come back to you but once someone requests a 'break', it rarely if ever returns to what it was before that point. The idea of nc is to force the person who requests a 'break' to see that you are a package deal. Nc means that they don't get to come over and play boyfriend/girlfriend after the break. They don't get to leave your heart in limbo. It is one way or the other. If they want part of you, they have to have all of you. Nc is the only way to make them re-evaluate what it is they want and don't want from the relationship and what they will or won't do in order to get it back. Anything less is just letting them pick and choose with no intention of changing that, while you go out of your way to be nice so that they will want you back. One way to keep contact and still keep up the walls preventing him from taking what he isn't entitled to is to go to limited contact. With this, you are still in contact but there are a few rules: No physical contact. No relationship talk. No talk about the future. No formal dates. No sleeping over or sharing a bed. Limited phone calls, with limited time for each call. If he wants physical contact, relationship talk, wants to talk about the future, wants to date and wants to talk to you for long intimate periods of time, then he can change his mind about the break and recommit to you. If he is not willing to do that, you will continue to force him into 'friends only'. This sets your boundaries. The lines should not be blurred or grey. The stronger you are, the more likely it will be that he will stop being "confused" or whatever it is that people are when they want a break. amen,,..sister!!!!!!!!!
Eyeofthoth Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Hey -- based on the above, I think what I want to do is try to move from NC to LC. Can you clarify the "rules" and why? I was going to see if we could go out for a cup of coffee or a drink -- my thought of this was I have been doing great and look really hot so I want him to see me. So by no physical contact, do you mean no touching, or actually no meeting in person?
wareagle Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Couldn't put it any better than LB! Right on!! Don't be fooled!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Hey -- based on the above, I think what I want to do is try to move from NC to LC. Can you clarify the "rules" and why? I was going to see if we could go out for a cup of coffee or a drink -- my thought of this was I have been doing great and look really hot so I want him to see me. So by no physical contact, do you mean no touching, or actually no meeting in person? Limited contact works, but you have to have an absolute iron will and the best poker face in the world. The rules are just a few I threw out. Basically it boils down to this. When someone hands you a break, you either hand them a breakup OR you can hand them what they claim to want: a clear cut break in the relationship. They get treated like any platonic friend of the same sex: Would you cuddle with your female friends? No. Give him the same treatment. Would you stay on the phone in long drawn out conversations with a guy you were strictly only friends with? No. Give him the same treatment. Would you hold hands with your female friends? No. Give him the same treatment. Would you share a bed with your pastor, or with some other platonic friend? No. Give him the same treatment. Friends don't have to sit and discuss their friendship. It just is - you go out, have fun, say goodbye and know that things are going to be the same when you see them next, without having to worry... will she call? Should I call her? Give him the same treatment. If he tries to hug or kiss you, move your body out of the way so that he can't. Don't let him hold your hand. If he says something about it, just say.. "While we are on a break I don't think it is a good idea to be doing this. Let's just be friends and keep it at that." If he wants to come sleep over, tell him that you aren't comfortable with that right now. If he wants to go out on a date, tell him that you are more comfortable with lunch or coffee during the afternoon - that you will probably have plans at night. Do not go out for alcohol of any sort. Nada, none. Do not dress special or try to look hot. Only boyfriends get that treatment. Not some guy who used to be your boyfriend and is giving you the "break" line. He needs to know that while he is doing this, he is nothing special - so you won't go out of your way to treat him that way. Now, looking hot while you go out with some other guy and he happens to see you is a whole 'nother story! He will be frustrated and angry. Good. Let him see how it feels for a change. If he tries to discuss it, simply say "since we are not in a relationship right now I don't see that there is anything to discuss." Don't talk about future plans, unless they are ones that don't include him. Don't let him 'get' to you - if he starts in on something that you know will guilt you into letting him get his way, change the subject, hang up the phone, or simply walk away. If he can't get you with honey, he will pull out the vinegar and try to manipulate you into getting what he wants. Key phrase: I REFUSE You will be holding the reins in this one. Paint down your red line, and let him know that he gets to cross it only when he agrees to recommit to you and you and he operate like a regular couple. Make it clear that you have no time or room for 'breaks' and since he does, you will spend your time seeing what else is out there for you. Seriously.. you have to be very, very strong. The second you crack, and give him even a millimeter, he'll know that he can simply continue on with this 'limbo' and continue having it work 100% for him, and less than 50% for you. You are doing all the work here. Time to let that go and let him sweat it out for a while.
Author ellen24 Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 Thanks for your comments! this is sooo, soo hard... I agree with the comments though and just have to get up the courage to act on them... after what heppened tonigght though, i have to ! so i have been talking every day with him ,or texting and everything is "baby this, or baby that." in addition , i heard him on the phone with a friend saying " i am about to eat breakfast wiht my girl".... he acts like we are totally together, and refers to the future, but he has yet to say this to me.... so i have been actin cool but repsonding as well wiht " i love yous' and " baby" as well. sooo... tonight we both had to attend a wake for the father of a mutual friend. we spoke and i said i was on my way and he said that he had to go to work and would go later. I responded, " ok, i will probably be gone by the time you get there." anyway, i go and it took longer than i though as they were holding a mass when i got there. I was getting ready to leave with another female friend, and he walks in. i know he saw me, but looked uncomfortable and went to pay respects to our friend who lost her dad.. he then made his way over to us. my friedn got up, hugged him and greeted him. i reamined seated, assuming he would elan over and kiss me hello as he always does... he remeained standing so i stood up and went to kiss him, but he looked awkward so i stopped. He said what? and i foolsihsly said, "nothing, i was about to kiss you. is that appropriate." it ws weird and then i said i was leaving and then leaned in and kissed him goodbye. i have the biggest pit in my stomache b/c eveytime i see him alone, he gets in teh car and aoutomatically leans over to give me a kiss. but in this public forum, he was weird. I always blame myself, and say things like, maybe i am making it weird, like maybe if i had stood immediatly and said something like " oh, i didn't think you would get here so soon.", then maybe it wouldn't have been weird. But he is the one you is making me act weird, bc/ i don't know where i stand.... so, so hard b/c i know what i need to do which is direclty ask him if he is ready to give us a try again, but face that the answer will most likely be no and i won't have any of him. I know i deserve more than juts a little bit of him and that it is not fair for him to call all the shots, but i am scared to really, really let go. i think he wants to explore the waters and see what else is out there, but wants to keep me close on hand until he knows what he wants. so selfish, but this often happens i think. has anyone else been as scared as i have to do something like this??? now it think i do believe in NC b/c i feel like we are about to break up all over again ( feel like crying and i havent' cried in two weeks : ((
Author ellen24 Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 So i have employed NC as of tonight.... so it got worse after my last post. he called me to pick him after the wake, said he wasa hungry could i get him food. etc. i did. then i picked him up and he was an *******. i started telling him a story and he said it wasn't interesting to him to listen to and we were on a break for a reason. when i said " you said we were on a break b/c of you, not us?".... he said waht "us". we are on a break. meanhwhiel, he has been referring to us for the last three weeks since we began the break. long story short, i dropped him off. we were talking about "us" and he said , " im tired. goinn inside. call me tomorrow. no, i'll call you." jerk. so i came home, thinking will he call, won't he?? instead i sent him an email calling him out on his jerky behavior and have decided to walk away. i swear i do not even want him anymore..... he said to me , " i just don't think we understand each other."' i wrote, " the only thing i don't understand is why you are such an a-- hole." hope i can do it. don't feel like cryin now.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 One thing you may want to think about is the #1 reason people ask for 'breaks' - it is because they want to take that time from you and apply it to a new person in their life. I suspect his quick downhill behavior with you is directly related to a quick uphill with someone else. It sounds like NC is your best bet now to protect yourself from his behavior. It will only get worse if you try to find a way to make him nice to you again. People who take 'breaks' are like rats trapped in a corner - the closer you try to get them in there with being 'nice' the more likely they are to rush you and trample you down in an attempt to escape. It sounds like his a-hole behavior was his first rush. Don't let him get in a second one. You are doing the right thing by stepping back. At this point, don't think of it as saving your relationship - think of it as saving your own heart before it gets further broken.
Author ellen24 Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 i had thought of the idea that he might be on the up with someone else as well.... so i sent the email last night, to which i got a response this morining -- "never send me angry emails. wtf is your problem. if you don't want to so things for me, then no one is forcing you." apparently the only point that he got from the email was that i was had mentioned picking him up. the actual point was more about us and about him shutting me out suddenly... anyway, i guess that makes it easier. well,not really, but i keep telling myslef that. i like the image of the rat feeling trapped though. i feel like his perception of me is that i am "'trapping" him into this realtionship, although this is a totally false perception. thanks again. i am sure i will do an update post. hope i can follow your advice. what the hell do i do about our " Family PLan" for the cell phone??
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