Who is currently doing NC? How you are coping?

[crystal_lostheart]

Hi there -

 

Just wondering who is currently doing NC? Maybe some questions you can answer for others thinking of doing the same....

 

*How long has it been?

*What usually happens, e.g. does he/she contact you often to try win you back?

*How are you coping?

*Do you see the light now that you are out of this dark place?

 

Thanks again....

[beautifullove]

How long has it been?

*What usually happens, e.g. does he/she contact you often to try win you back?

*How are you coping?

*Do you see the light now that you are out of this dark place?

**And finally, your best advice for others who are thinking of taking that brave step as well....

 

It was 1 month on Wednesday.

 

Very little contact. The last time we spoke was a couple of weeks ago I think. I stopped counting, and started focusing on getting on with my life. When I did speak to him, he lied about where he was staying, but I knew he had gone back to his wife, but I didn't let him know that I knew. Interestingly enough, his wife recently text me from his phone saying that she doesn't know why I hate her, when it was me who took her husband, and that her husband went back to her on his own. I was angry about her saying that, because in the beginning xmm and I had a long drawn out conversation about his seperation that took place before I came along. Plus, she should be able to tell I'm not into taking OP H because I haven't harrassed him at all. I love him, but I want nothing to do with him ever again, because of the way he lied and treated me.

 

I'm coping much better now. At first I was sad, hurt, and felt extremely abandoned and bewildered. Then, my feelings changed into anger. He consumed every thought of every minute, until I realized that I wasn't going to yearn for an a** hole anymore. I then decided to re-focus on my life again, and get back to where I was before I met him. I took a trip out of state, stayed at the Hilton for a few days, reconnected with old wonderful friends, talked, laughed, felt tearful at times, but I am finally back in a better, more peaceful place. I let go of the dreams, promises, my investment (spiritual, emotional, financial, etc.), my future with him (if there ever was one), and have replaced his image with that of a beautiful man who is single, emotionally available, unattached, genuine, a man who can invest in the R as much as I can.

 

My advice is, the risk is too great, and you will always feel uneasy - are they thinking about you or someone else, are they happy to be with you, or do they have regrets, will they eventually cheat on you, etc. - the list is exhaustive. You also don't want him to resent you for his failed M - he can do that by himself. Now, I only want someone who is a reflection of me. The twist is this, I'm in the process of getting a divorce myself, and my exh who was a serial cheater, seems to be trying his luck. When we were together, I couldn't imagine my life without him, but NOW I don't care about him at all. Hopefully, we will all get to that point when it comes to MM.

[wildsoul]

*How long has it been?

3 days since I declared it to myself.

 

*What usually happens, e.g. does he/she contact you often to try win you back?

• Fri at dawn: He sent a photo of his dog to my phone.
  
• Fri evening: I *cringe* sent him an "I miss you" text.
  
• Sat afternoon: He sent a photo of him to my phone.
  
• Sat evening: He sent a photo of wedding in his neighborhood to me.
  
• Sat late night: He sent 2 more photos of him to me.
  
• *cringes more* I replied to the late nite one, saying "shouldn't you be sleeping?" to which he replied "bite me."
  

Today? Nothing. And I'm in withdrawals. I keep waiting for a text, or imagine him pulling up in the driveway, etc. Anxious. Sad. And it feels like I have a gigantic hole in my belly. I'm not contacting him, but would find it hard to resist if he did.

 

*How are you coping?

• I've been on this forum.
  
• I read several chapters in a book on love addiction.
  
• I went to a 12 step meeting on sex & love addiction tonight. I've been in that program before, but it's been a couple years and I'm in a new city, so new again. I connected with a lady who is trying to end a 3 year R with a guy who she helped thru a divorce and he still won't commit to her. Nice mirror for each other. I felt good after the meeting.
  
• I'm home now, eating a very healthy dinner, typing here on LS--trying to pass the time. Still anxious, hoping, waiting, checking the phone, ugh.
  

*Do you see the light now that you are out of this dark place?

I'm still in the dark place. But the 12 step meeting helped me feel a little better. I get isolated and needed some in person contact. I feel hope in that I know I will heal eventually.

 

PS: I would really like if we kept this thread going! It's so hard getting thru these withdrawals! I'm doing it one hour at a time. Really need to stay busy and keep this conversation going about all the good reasons why to do the NC, instead of being in the sadness, yanno?

[crystal_lostheart]

Hey WS

 

Just wanted to basically say how amazingly strong I think you are after reading you threads and I really hope it all works out for you.

 

You are right WS- keep this thread going - lessons can be learned here

[wildsoul]

Thank you, crystal_lostheart. I <3 you!

[Die Hard]

Hi there -

 

Just wondering who is currently doing NC? Maybe some questions you can answer for others thinking of doing the same....

 

*How long has it been?

*What usually happens, e.g. does he/she contact you often to try win you back?

*How are you coping?

*Do you see the light now that you are out of this dark place?

 

Thanks again....

1. it's been just over a year, initiated by her, finished by me. she went nc by simply stopping calling me after having been involved for a year. i couldn't call her for fear of getting her caught(i was never allowed to call her). I could have went by/called her work etc.. but i have a thin skin sometimes and don't talk to or go around people i feel don't want me around. plus she is married and felt i had to respect her decision however bad it hurt.

 

2. i don't know what usually happens but in my case she tried making contact after a year of nc,,, wanting to leave her husband and be with me,,,or so she claimed via voicemail. at this point i kept nc in place. i got lucky that by the time she contacted me i'd moved on, and i don't mean this to sound arrogant, but i can, and do, do much better than her. the blinders kept from seeing this at the time. of course i didn't love her for her looks but it matters now that time has passed and the blinders are off.

 

3. at the time she initiated nc i coped pretty much like everyone else here. i was in a world of hurt. nothing i could do about it though so i just lived day to day for the first 4 or 5 months and then it started getting easier. as for how i'm coping now,,,i don't cope anymore. it's over and done with.

 

4. yes i see the light now. if you play with fire the possibility always exists that you'll get burned. i was one of the people that got burned.

 

so now i'm the one doing nc,,, but mine will last a lifetime instead of her weak ass 1 year of nc.

[astra77]

Something that I have found thats helped me to go NC was NOT counting the days. I dont know how long its been exactly, maybe 3 months give or take

 

I broke NC too many times to count. It happens. I could not get my head around the fact that i hadnt spoken to him or seen him for 5 , 10, 15 days etc etc, It almost killed me and I realised i had to get a grip. Posting here was the 1st step to making ME better. You have to heal your soul.

 

My situation is slightly different as I am M, my X is M, I ended the affair and a short time later, I told my H and I am now working on my M, my H is amazing and i am VERY lucky This is also a good reason to go NC as i want to work on my M.

 

The road ahead after declaring NC is tough, VERY VERY TOUGH. I found that with time, I am able to cope a little better. Can I function how i used to ? NO, not properley. Does it still hurt? Yes, not sure i will make a full recovery. Do I still love him ? Yes and No, he left me a damaged and broken woman, it ripped to my very core and shattered my soul, how can you fully recover from that?

 

Staying strong, posting, reading, listening and learning is the only way to make things right within yourself.

[aloneatnights]

getting rid of the numbers helped me. i have no way to contact him. i would have by now. all the pictures,photos, texts etc. even the smelly old t shirt.

its been about a month only. telling myself someone else deserves me and that i deserve better and am worth far more helps too.

yes, it still hurts but i am healing. in fact, i feel i have the upper hand and more strength by initiating NC in the first place and sticking to it

[jj33]

The A ended last summer and eventually in October I wanted NC (but for work). NC was broken through finding unecessary excuses to contact me about anything at all tangentially related to work which after far more drama than is worth discussing eventually led us back into an emotional A. And now after the last bit of drama in July, I declared an NC again. But this time it is different I really want to move on. I didnt so much when I started it at the end of July, I thought I just needed a break and that in time we would find our way.

 

But posting here has helped enormously. Reading other peoples stories and seeing how my situation is not totally unique. All As are all unique in some ways but there are many similarities. Most of us are involved with men or women who are married to other people, and in most cases, we are frustrated with the situation, and in most cases they are not leaving. I appreciate some stories are different and there are some successees like GEL.

 

I used to know in my heart that one day (like Carrie and Mr Big) we would be one of the success stories. It was as much of a given as the fact that the sun would rise in the morning and Chicago will be cold in the winter. Regardless of the odds regardless of the obstacles. We were going to be together and navigate the obstacles and have a happy life together.

 

But now after reading so so many of the posts here, and looking ruthlessly at his pattern of behavior, and mine (it takes two) I dont feel that way. Today is a bitter day. Some days are happy hopeful days.

 

I am trying to figure out what I have learned from this. Not to put myself in a "cinderella" role where I feel validated because "someone like him" would love me... and unworthy if he doesnt, I am worthy of love regardless of what anyone thinks .... not to accept less than I need and deserve... to have faith that I will meet someone else who will love me who is available to build a life with me even tho I am no longer young and beautiful... to walk away unless a man is consistent in his words and actions.

 

But being able to post has helped. Its been a little bit easier because he is on vacation and i wont have to see him for a few weeks. The test will be how it goes when we are running into each other. I long for the day I can see a gorgeous young woman he may know and not wonder if she will be my replacement. I keep reminding myself that if our relationship was not enough to cause him to leave nothing will be. Leaving was never his MO. He was only ever looking for a band aid, he just got more than he bargained for when he met me.

 

I look forward to a day when I can see him and not care who he is speaking to across the room, not be so conscious of his presence and I can enjoy bumping into him. He is after all a great guy and great company. Its just one of those things that didnt work out.

 

Right now i feel empty. Like someone pulled out my heart and stomped on it. I am numb. And trying really hard to push past the bitterness. Its a whole new chapter. For me, part of letting go means not doing NC in the hopes it will cause him to move forward (am slowly working on that one). That is only a continuation of "the chase". And after 2 years, if we arent well past the chase then its not a good situation anyway.

 

This forum has been a godsend.

 

Hang in there everyone.

[jj33]

I cracked. I sent him an email. I know he wont see it until next week but I cracked. It was preemptive of sorts but it was contact that I know I should not have made. Based on prior experience and the fact that I was always willing to continue the A in the past my greatest fear is we will to and fro again and I cant have it. When we started the NC it was because he was denying that the emotional A was anything more than a friendship. But I had never said I would not go back to the A. In fact I still wanted it on some level.

 

But now with the help of reading all of the posts etc (thanks to all of you) I know I cant go back to that. So I wrote him and thanked him for giving me the space to realize that he was right, it would never have been enough. And that I still needed more time to wrap my head around everything but that I realize now he was right we just lacked the time and freedom to do this properly.

 

I was on the phone with someone who was saying you know he will come back you know he will never let you totally out of his life, what if he were able to arrange something with his wife where he discreetly live primarily with me (instead of staying with me a few days a week like before) you would still have to be discreet but it could work. And I thought wait a minute, be discreet means continue to live a lie, lworrying about people knowing... thats not good enough.

 

But I knew she was right. He has a hard time being out of touch with me. And he would at some point in the next month or two have come back with a counter offer. And as pathetic as it sounds. I didnt want to do that to him. I didnt want him to suffer the humiliation of finding that he was willing to change things to some degree (whatever his opening gambit might have been) only to find it was no longer enough. I dont want to be in the positin of turning him down and I dont want him to be in the position of being rejected. I just want to move on. I want to build a new life. And in time we can be friends I hope. But I dont want any more back and forth. Its too heart wrenching.

 

She told me not to send it that I shouldnt do anything while I was so upset. But and I stand by this - what is wrong with telling someone you will no longer accept an A. The only thing that could happen is I would wake up in the morning and decide I shouldnt send it because I wasnt sure I meant it. If I weaken in time I weaken but better to take the strongest stand. Maybe then he will be less likely to try and negotiate his way back in again.

[wildsoul]

jj33: I do see your point about wanting to close off future possiblities because you are nervous you might waffle. Just keep in mind a couple things, that you probably already know:

1. Don't expect him to enforce your boundary. So while it might seem that you closed off the doorway, you're still going to have to make sure you don't waffle.
   
2. It's possible that your contact will trigger him to respond in some way, and you will get involved in the chase/avoid dance again.
   

Do you have a plan for what you'll do when/if he contacts you after getting the email you sent?

[jj33]

Thanks Wildsoul. You are right of course on both points. I think he is surprised that I called the NC. Its out of character for me to do it after all this time and out of character for me to stick by it.

 

I realize it is up to me to enforce my boundaries. I have done well so far not using work as a reason to be in contact more than necessary or include uncessary chat. I have contacted his coworkers when at all possible. But he is at the beach so its not a good indicator. Another bad indicator is getting a work email on friday night at 1am from someone who is at the beach with wife and friends. We arent saving lives here.

 

So I will need to hold my ground.

 

2. He may not respond. I think it will sadden him which saddens me but I had to do it. Most likely he will either not respond or to save "face" he will simply say of course he understands and is happy that I understand now too. If anything I think he expected a lovelorn email while he was away, how hard it is being out of contact, but knowing its for the best, wishing things could have been different, hoping he is doing well etc etc etc things that beg for a response. This did not.

 

Maybe this is all my imagination. Maybe he will genuinely be relieved and think finally she is moving on and it will alleviate a lot of guilt on his part feeling like he had nothing to offer me in terms of a future. I would say maybe he and W have found a new way forward together but unlikely ... I would be happy for him if they had. He is a good man and he deserves to be happy.

[SnowWhite924]

Hi there -

 

Just wondering who is currently doing NC? Maybe some questions you can answer for others thinking of doing the same....

 

*How long has it been?

*What usually happens, e.g. does he/she contact you often to try win you back?

*How are you coping?

*Do you see the light now that you are out of this dark place?

 

Thanks again....

 

It's been 12 days of NC:).

 

He's on vacation and sent me a picture text message of the 'sunrise' and said 'just wanted to say hi'. I didn't respond.

 

I cried twice these past 12 days and only because I was missing him and thinking about our 'good' times. For the most part, I don't miss him. I spend most my days and nights either not thinking of him or, when I do think of him, I can't help but think 'I'm HAPPY it's finally OVER!' I've been battling with this A for 11 months and I finally freed myself from it!

 

He's away on vacation until the 16th. I'm sure he's expecting me to contact him when he returns. I am holding my ground. There's no way I'm contacting him. I haven't felt this good in a year;). I'm not going to ruin it by contacting him for any reason.

 

I think I needed to hit rock bottom before I had the determination to put an end to it. I think that helped a lot.

[wildsoul]

It's been 12 days of NC:).

 

I haven't felt this good in a year;). I'm not going to ruin it by contacting him for any reason.

You worked hard to get that peace of mind. You deserve to feel good!

 

Here's a little James Brown on YouTube to start your day.

[SnowWhite924]

Wildsoul, thanks for that tune. I was LMAO!

My exMM and I share a YouTube account. How funny would it be for me to add that to our playlist. LOL. That's cruel. I wouldn't do it but it's a thought!

Thanks again!!