anotherother24 Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I posted another thread in coping, but I figured this board might be of more help since most of you are in/ have been involved in an A...so you might understand me better. This is my post for anyone who might want to check that out. [COLOR=#810081]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t161052/[/COLOR] [COLOR=#810081][/COLOR] [COLOR=#810081][/COLOR] Basically though, I was in an A with my married boss, who I had known for about 2 years prior to the A. So, I trusted him very much and knew his family pretty well. (W and kids) ...It was kind of like a small business so they were always around. This was also my first "real" relationship and I was unfortunately a virgin! lol way to start off....So basically the relationship ended about a year ago. It ended with my telling his wife, which she basically knew because we had about 10 D-days but we always convinced her that she was seeing more than it was. Which, obviously wasn't the truth...dont ask me how we pulled that one off but I feel very bad about it now. So anyways, after I told his W...he wasn't very thrilled with me and never called me again. I called him a few times and tried to apologize but we never really did talk much. So...there hasn't been a whole lot of events between about a year ago and recently. I still think about him alot though and haven't really lost the feelings. I've always kind of hoped he would atleast miss me and call me or something...but, unfortunately that's one call that hasn't come....which makes me feel real great! It makes me feel like I was nothing to him. It's so weird though because we would spend like almost all day every day talking and laughing and I was like..everything to him..and then I just went to non-existent..and I can't figure out how someone could feel/be that way. Anyways, I called him last weekend and he picked up and pretended he couldnt hear me. So, I sent him a text message telling him I was hurt at how he treated me and that I still loved him and...embaressed myself a little bit! lol he said he was sorry for hurting me and that was about it. He also said that he's usually with his family and his wife is so hurt and that he usually doesnt answer his phone because he's scared it's me and he doesn't want to get in trouble. So then his wife calls me and we get in a little fight. So, for some reason I thought it would be a nice idea to send him a text message again this weekend. (yeah, i know) I told him I would wait for him and crap. So I guess he told his wife and she sent me a message telling me how he told her to call me and tell me he never loved me and that I was just a worker at their store. Then she gives me some advice on how he would never like me anyways because I'm fat (which, I'm really not!) and not from their country and some other nice things. So, I said some friendly things to her and sent her a picture of a card that he had given me telling me he loved me and hoped we would be together next year. Which, I'm sure made him love me even more. Anyways, the whole thing is just drama. I'm just wondering if anyone has ever been through anything similar...I just dont want him to hate me or think I'm some crazy. They did block my number now though...my guess is she probably freaked out on him as usual and he wanted to save his sorry life. Do you all think he could understand that I'm hurting here? He is the one that insisted on the relationship and told me time and time again not to give up hope on him and that she would leave him. Now she acts like they are SO happy over there and that they both think I'm some crazy person. I would never hurt them or anything and I hope she's just trying to make herself feel better...but I hate the thought that they might think that. He didn't seem to hate me in the text message though. So, that's one good thing...except for that they blocked my calls now lol score one for me. I think he's just trying to avoid problems with her though. AND she said she's 5 months pregnant, which makes me feel so much better. I just can't see that she could be SO HAPPY after her husband cheated and lied to her for a year. My mom says she's probably miserable and would never tell me she was anything other than happy. What a mess...I feel so..confused! and I want to get over it but I still have these feelings for him...and I dont know how to make them just go away. I also don't want to cause problems for him and his family either, which I don't plan to do anymore...but it hurts to think I may never talk to him again. This relationship stuff sucks...lol
crystal_lostheart Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 So sorry to hear this - Can you do something where you have completely removed yourself from him? Make a promise to yourself that for the next month - nothing will be about him and all about you. Can you go away with friends, family - some good support around you. I am trying to pull away from my MM and go NC. My first thing to do is go on a holiday. I don't expect it will heal me at all but will just give me some 'me time' without him. If a month is too long then make it a few weeks. Hope it works out Hugs
Author anotherother24 Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 So sorry to hear this - Can you do something where you have completely removed yourself from him? Make a promise to yourself that for the next month - nothing will be about him and all about you. Can you go away with friends, family - some good support around you. I am trying to pull away from my MM and go NC. My first thing to do is go on a holiday. I don't expect it will heal me at all but will just give me some 'me time' without him. If a month is too long then make it a few weeks. Hope it works out Hugs I don't think I can go away for a few weeks, I dont really have the money for that. I'm going to try harder to not think about him or anything. I don't know how..lol..but I'm going to try. I just feel upset because I don't want him to hate me. Which, shouldn't matter...but it doessss to me.
crystal_lostheart Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I know - we don't want then to hate us - but I really don't think they love us either - not 100% anyway - because when did the ever really give us 100%?
Author anotherother24 Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 I know - we don't want then to hate us - but I really don't think they love us either - not 100% anyway - because when did the ever really give us 100%? Yeah, that's true...it sucks,but true...argh, i hate this whole mess. WHERE is the rewind button? I wish I never met him.
mistresswchildren Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Alright, so here's some tough love, but I mean this in the best way possible. You are going to become the psycho ex if you continue to be involved. You have already received your closure. The relationship has been over for a year. It is only you that has been keeping it alive. I say this to you as much as to myself (I am going through the "end" for the 100th time). Try to move on. Make yourself available to other people. Remember that you are worth more than this. As far as his W goes, you shouldn't worry about her any more. I understand, "easier said than done," but you have to let it go. Here are a few things to ease your mind though. She is NOT happy. Their life is NOT bliss. She brings you up every time they have a fight that she might not win. If they went to therapy, no therapist would recommend having a child within a year of an affair. Most likely, that child is being brought into their marriage to help "save" it. I hope that is not the case, but more often than not it is. My xMM's W got pregnant after going off the pill without telling her husband. She wanted to have a child with him. Although a baby bonds two people, it is not a fix for any relationship. His W will tell you that they are happy. Why wouldn't she? She doesn't want you to know their misery. She doesn't want you to think that there is an opening for you back in his life. Stay away from all of this. You are probably mere steps from getting a restraining order placed on you. He is NOT worth that. You need to do some soul searching and figure out why it is that you cannot get over this guy. He doesn't even sound like he was all that emotionally invested. Why let him rent space in your head for free? He doesn't care. You could love him, hate him, want to punch him, and it doesn't matter to him. You are only hurting you. I am sorry that you are hurting right now. Hang in there. Learn to let it go (again I am talking to myself as well). You will pull through. When we are left with no other choice, human beings are quite capable of healing.
GPFan Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 This was also my first "real" relationship and I was unfortunately a virgin! lol way to start off....Sometimes the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.Another tool for your arsenal.
Lookingforward Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Alright, so here's some tough love, but I mean this in the best way possible. You are going to become the psycho ex if you continue to be involved. You have already received your closure. The relationship has been over for a year. It is only you that has been keeping it alive. I say this to you as much as to myself (I am going through the "end" for the 100th time). Try to move on. Make yourself available to other people. Remember that you are worth more than this. As far as his W goes, you shouldn't worry about her any more. I understand, "easier said than done," but you have to let it go. Here are a few things to ease your mind though. She is NOT happy. Their life is NOT bliss. She brings you up every time they have a fight that she might not win. If they went to therapy, no therapist would recommend having a child within a year of an affair. Most likely, that child is being brought into their marriage to help "save" it. I hope that is not the case, but more often than not it is. My xMM's W got pregnant after going off the pill without telling her husband. She wanted to have a child with him. Although a baby bonds two people, it is not a fix for any relationship. His W will tell you that they are happy. Why wouldn't she? She doesn't want you to know their misery. She doesn't want you to think that there is an opening for you back in his life. Stay away from all of this. You are probably mere steps from getting a restraining order placed on you. He is NOT worth that. You need to do some soul searching and figure out why it is that you cannot get over this guy. He doesn't even sound like he was all that emotionally invested. Why let him rent space in your head for free? He doesn't care. You could love him, hate him, want to punch him, and it doesn't matter to him. You are only hurting you. I am sorry that you are hurting right now. Hang in there. Learn to let it go (again I am talking to myself as well). You will pull through. When we are left with no other choice, human beings are quite capable of healing. LOL, oh so true I bet, and not just this particular M either.
jj33 Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 You got some good advice there from Mistress with children. Its so hard to move on you see it in so many threads but you have your closure. Do you want to look yourself in the eye and say you are chasing a man who is staying married and doesnt want an A? Its hard to believe that you can be everything to a man one minute and nonexistent the next. But in many ways that is no different than breaking up with a single man. If someone suddenly dumps you - its over - they dont want the relationship anymore for whatever reason. And boom its the end. And it hurts like hell whether the guy is single or married and sometimes you question yourself what could I have done differently etc etc but it doesnt matter - the past is the past. In your case, you called his wife. He wasnt ready to leave, he had shimmied his way out of getting caught by lying to her and telling her it was nothing when you had your 10 D days - you put his marriage in great jeopardy. I dont want to sound harsh but are you really surprised that he didnt take that well? With the exception of those rare cases where MSs do leave (and you never know whether thats going to be yours until it is) most As work in tandem with a marriage and when there is a choice to be made, the MMs choose the marriage, that is if the W gives them a choice. Its just how it is. It doesnt mean he didnt love you it just means that he loved you but wasnt willing to leave his marriage to be with you. I am not saying you did something wrong and that the outcome would be different if you had not told his wife. Most likely you just accelerated the process. If he is your first I am guessing you are young. Getting over the first love is always difficult anyway. But you have your whole life ahead of you. Everyone makes mistakes in love. Choices arent always perfect. But its all part of the journey and if we dont allow ourselves to let go we may miss the next chapter. Hearing that may not help when you are in the throws of despair, but it has been a year. He has been clear. As I wrote in another post, we need to look at actions and words. In this case his actions and his words are consistent. Hes is staying with his wife. You deserve more. And its out there for you. And if you care for him at all, let them be. Throwing his love for you in his wife's face is not helpful to him and is not going to make it easier to put his marriage back on track. And if your actions compromise that and the marriage fails, he is unlikely to come running into your arms when it fails. People leave on their own terms in their own time. Intervening in the marriage is not a winning strategy. Emails and texts are a bit of a curse. There are things we say in them when we are feeling low that we would never say to someone in person and maybe even not on the phone. If you can delete his email from your computer and his phone number from your phone, that might be helpful to you. I know I have written texts and emails to MM that I wish I never had. So pathetic so lovelorn and all they did was feed his ego. It didnt change a thing. Hang in there it will get better in time. I cant say when but it will. Being out of touch is a blessing. It may feel like you will never love like that again. We all feel that way when a relationship ends, but somehow miraculously we do. Its just hard to imagine when we are still grieving over the last love. And I am right there with you posting to get past the memories of someone who should not be renting space in my head either.
Recommended Posts