Sensitivecoward Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 This is a very long story which is going to have to be cut short so that you may digest it easily. Basically - i met a gorgeous women three or so years ago and it was love at first sight. At the time i didnt realise, because i'd never had these feelings for a women before. Although i am middle aged, i have never had a serious or long term relationship, so i am very immature in that respect. She was unavailable, so my disappoint was tempered by the fact that we became friends. We never partied or went drinking together (i did not want to make the excuse later on that alcohol made me act inappropriately!), and a mutual respect developed. We didnt work directly together, but our jobs made contact between us quite regular - although not regular enough for me. This was the status quo for the next year, until she told me that she was single again. I got very excited and let my feelings run away with me, and for the first time i asked her if she wanted to go for a drink. Even though she accepted, my timing and method were both poor. Things took a turn for the worst when she rang me to tell me she couldnt make our date. I was upset and although i wasnt rude to her i was quite short. She rang me back to tell me that she didnt want me to get the wrong idea (?!) and i said i understood. Things got very complicated very quickly after that. My fear of something i couldnt put my finger on (i tend to act on instinct and the spur of the moment in all things) made me deny her when she tried to give me another chance. All these feelings were starting to overwhelm me and i didnt deal with them well. I tried my best to deal with them and try and think what i wanted or what i should do, but my inexperience meant that not only did i hurt myself i hurt her as well. We (rather amazingly!) stayed friends after that, although it was different than before. The bond between us seemed to have changed. Thats the only way i can describe it. How it changed, what it changed to or from, i still cant explain. It seemed like i would get closer to her, then back off through fear. She kept reaching out to me, giving me chance after chance but i would throw it in her face - and make some excuse to myself to justify my cowardice. She eventually told her new boyfriend (it was becoming difficult for her to do her job because of my behaviour at this point), and ever since things have been unpleasent, to say the least. Rather hurtfully, I started to ignore her completely at work, going out of my way to avoid her and all her colleagues, and in the end gave up completely and quit my job. I (half-heartedly) tried to approach her family (they had also come into my workplace to try and talk to me but i had ignored all of them) but chickened out of that as well. I havent talked to her for more than a year, having only posted poems and cryptic messages on social networking sites. There are other aspects of this situation that i dont want to go into & they also have had an effect on how i think and act. Although im not afraid of what will happen to me, i am concerned that my decisions may effect other people. And its arguable whether i could be described as a stalker, but i dont fit the usual profile of that sort of person. Sometimes i lay in my bed and think to myself that everything thats happened in the last 18 months was just my imagination. Im looking and and seeking something that wasnt ever there. But thats bollocks. Those things really did happen. Those feelings, those moments of friendship and love and respect and heartbreak and disappointment, they WERE real. It is real. Its STILL real. But what should i do? It seems like it should be so easy, but i really am at a loss of what to do next. How do i approach her? Should i talk to the boyfriend? I havent really done a good job of explaining things here, i just needed to get this off my chest. I have a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that i may have used up my last chance. I have had quite a few already. I wish i could go back in time and change things.
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