Really need everyone's support right now...

[xpaperxcutx]

I won't send it. But I had a lot to get off my chest. No we never had a "DATE" but we did spend time together one on one ALONE 3 or 4 times in addition to group activities on top of that. It's not like I was NEVER around this guy.

 

So basically you guys were hanging out as friends. If he never asked you out once in the past 2 years, then your reaction really was uncalled for.

 

But either way what he did was lousy.

[SouthernT]

What kind of issues does he have? He has a sadistic streak and acts more like a child than an adult. Hard to be more specific than that without knowing much about him.

 

There are so many things that stick out in my mind right now. When we first met and hung out together for the first time he told me about the way he treated girls in college and that he would have them doing things and how he didnt care who she was and that he didnt care if they had low self esteem or not. He answered the phone in front of me that day and it was a girl. I remember he answered the phone and told her he would call her back. As soon as he hung up, he said "I don't know why I just lied to that girl" and started laughing.

 

A month 1/2 after he and I had been talking on the phone regularly and had seen eachother a couple of times by this point, I happen to pull up next to him at a red light. I looked over and waived. He had another girl in the car with him. He looked dead in my eyes for at least 10 or 15 seconds and didnt even crack a smile. He then looked straight foward and took the next immediate right hand turn available.

 

There were times when we would hang out and he would tell me to call him when I got home. (I lived less than 10 minutes away from him) and I would call when I made it home and he would have his phone turned off. It's like he would always do an immediate disconnect from me.

 

And so many more things....which is the primary reason I would never sleep with him b/c I just couldnt put my finger on a couple of things.

 

We were in the car one time and I looked at him before I got out and asked him what his intentions were. And he took my hand and kissed it and said "don't worry, I'm a good guy with good intentions" He just always said things like that which kept me hanging on.

[SouthernT]

So basically you guys were hanging out as friends. If he never asked you out once in the past 2 years, then your reaction really was uncalled for.

 

I understand that now. I'm really new to dating and there are some very basic things that I don't understand. After everyone taking the time to explain it to me, I now understand why my reaction was uncalled for. Which is the only thing I wanted to apologize to him about.

 

 

There were times that he would make plans and when I would text to check to see if we were still on when the time rolled around, he would respond as if I were bothering him when it was his idea to get together in the first place. And his excuses for standing me up were always because something had physically happened to him. I mean what can you say when a guy says he cut himself and needs stiches and things along those lines. I couldnt really call him a liar when he did stuff like that.

[Angel1111]

There were times that he would make plans and when I would text to check to see if we were still on when the time rolled around, he would respond as if I were bothering him when it was his idea to get together in the first place. And his excuses for standing me up were always because something had physically happened to him. I mean what can you say when a guy says he cut himself and needs stiches and things along those lines. I couldnt really call him a liar when he did stuff like that.

 

I think you have probably figured out by now that there were a lot of red flags that you need to watch for in the future. Now, hon, if you send him any kind of apology, you will end up being so sorry that you will wish you could go back to this pain you feel now, because it won't even compare to what you'll feel then. Based on how he has behaved, consider yourselves even and leave it alone. Any type of contact with him at this point - ANY kind - will be perceived as a pathetic attempt to get his attention. It doesn't matter what you say, how you say it, if you enclose a $10 million check, a bag of tears, and a red sports car - the interpretation will not be favorable for you. Do yourself a favor and learn the value of SILENCE. It's a beautiful thing.

 

I'll just point out that, honestly, from where I'm standing, this looks more like an issue about control than it does about love. And I mean control on your part, not his. Instead of assessing the situation for what it was, you seemed determined to win. I suspect that once you decided that you really liked this guy, your reaction to him not returning your interest is very much that of a person who likes to control situations and who doesn't like being rejected. I mean, no one likes to be rejected, but based on your reaction, I really do believe that you were also pissed off somewhat that he never really asked you out on a date, was dismissive toward you, irritable at times, etc. and I believe this gave birth to a part of you that is highly competitive...and you decided you were going to win this game.

 

The reason I say this is because most people would've seen that this guy was not serious - despite all the stuff he was saying - and would've laughed it off and stopped talking to him, and stopped answering his calls and texts. I'm not excusing what he did but the fact that you pushed him and asked him what his intentions were, where this was going, to let you know where things stood, etc. - this struck me as someone who was getting pissed that they didn't have control and they were trying to get it. The truth is, if you ask confrontive questions, you'll rarely get an honest answer. And when you got BS answers, you still persisted. At some point, the red flags were accumulating all over the place but you refused to see or acknowledge them. I'm not certain that you couldn't see them, I think maybe you didn't want to.

 

And when he pulled a fast one - ending up with another girl that you didn't even suspect existed - you completely lost it because these were rules you didn't know he was playing by. And it kinda looks like you reacted that way because you're highly competitve and didn't like the fact that you had just lost.

 

Then it appears that control gave way to manipulation. You called him so that he would know just how much pain you were in, how much pain he was responsible for. You want to send him a letter and apologize. These actions - under these particular circumstances - elude to someone changing their tactic from control to manipulation.

 

I understand that you're hurting and you no doubt pretty much hate this analysis, I'm just saying that from where I'm standing, that's the way it looks. You can kid yourself about being naive and new to dating, but please don't overlook your behavior patterns and understand how it can come across to others - particularly to men. If I'm wrong about this, then I'm wrong. But I do think it may be something to think about.

[almost famous]

I'm sorry with what you're going through and how condescending and rude he was to you. Although I didn't read the whole backstory, I get the jist of it, and it appears he was just after a big ego trip.

 

Really the only thing you can do is move on and try to get him out of your head. As I advised another poster, he doesn't exist. Don't waste anymore time contemplating anything about this "man."

[lovelorcet]

Some people can do this, for ego stroking purposes. In keeping someone on a string, it makes them feel more loved.

 

Words and actions SouthernT. If the two don't jive, look to the actions.

 

I think most women have learned this the hard way, including you and I.

 

Sure, people can be jerks sometimes and both men and women can give mixed signals but as a man I can tell you this. If I want to be with a woman then she knows. It is CLEAR! My words are closely followed by my actions and I think many men are like this.

 

 

You ended up in his friendszone and he was using you for some ego stroking every now and then. TBF has already given you a good analysis of this situation.

 

My advice would be to learn your lesson here and to be more careful in the future.

[Balthazar]

There is his girl I really like Southern.

I mean I really like her.

 

I call her and set up dates, and I feel great when being with her.

You can tell because I smile a bit more than usual, and I always mention stuff we could do in the future together.

 

I rarely cancel a date with her, and if I do, it is because there is a very good reason.

 

I try to see her 2 times a week, but 3 or even 4 is better.

 

I am physical with her when we are together, not because I am horny, but because I like the way I feel around her.

 

At times, I find myself wanting to be a better man for her.

 

Can you dig it?

 

CHeers,

[shadowplay]

There is his girl I really like Southern.

I mean I really like her.

 

I call her and set up dates, and I feel great when being with her.

You can tell because I smile a bit more than usual, and I always mention stuff we could do in the future together.

 

I rarely cancel a date with her, and if I do, it is because there is a very good reason.

 

I try to see her 2 times a week, but 3 or even 4 is better.

 

I am physical with her when we are together, not because I am horny, but because I like the way I feel around her.

 

At times, I find myself wanting to be a better man for her.

 

Can you dig it?

 

CHeers,

 

What is the purpose of this post other than to make the OP feel bad?

[Angel1111]

What is the purpose of this post other than to make the OP feel bad?

 

It's not about making her feel bad - it's about showing her the difference between how a man behaves when he really wants to be with someone opposed to someone who's just playing around. It's an extremely good contrast.

[Balthazar]

What is the purpose of this post other than to make the OP feel bad?

 

Do you really think I would write a post just to make Southern feel bad?

Why on earth would I want to do something like that?

 

If you feel that way about this post, then you have taken it the wrong way.

 

As a guy, I am giving Southern a clear view of a man's thought process.

I am not being critical of anybody or anything.

I am just expressing how things are. Realistically.

If it is useful to her, I am glad; If it's not, then she can disregard it. Simple as that.

 

In any case, the purpose is to help her, not hurt her.

 

CHeers,

[SouthernT]

Instead of assessing the situation for what it was, you seemed determined to win. I suspect that once you decided that you really liked this guy, your reaction to him not returning your interest is very much that of a person who likes to control situations and who doesn't like being rejected. I mean, no one likes to be rejected, but based on your reaction, I really do believe that you were also pissed off somewhat that he never really asked you out on a date, was dismissive toward you, irritable at times, etc. and I believe this gave birth to a part of you that is highly competitive...and you decided you were going to win this game.

 

The reason I say this is because most people would've seen that this guy was not serious - despite all the stuff he was saying - and would've laughed it off and stopped talking to him, and stopped answering his calls and texts. I'm not excusing what he did but the fact that you pushed him and asked him what his intentions were, where this was going, to let you know where things stood, etc. - this struck me as someone who was getting pissed that they didn't have control and they were trying to get it. The truth is, if you ask confrontive questions, you'll rarely get an honest answer. And when you got BS answers, you still persisted. At some point, the red flags were accumulating all over the place but you refused to see or acknowledge them. I'm not certain that you couldn't see them, I think maybe you didn't want to.

 

And when he pulled a fast one - ending up with another girl that you didn't even suspect existed - you completely lost it because these were rules you didn't know he was playing by. And it kinda looks like you reacted that way because you're highly competitve and didn't like the fact that you had just lost.

 

Then it appears that control gave way to manipulation. You called him so that he would know just how much pain you were in, how much pain he was responsible for. You want to send him a letter and apologize. These actions - under these particular circumstances - elude to someone changing their tactic from control to manipulation.

 

I understand that you're hurting and you no doubt pretty much hate this analysis, I'm just saying that from where I'm standing, that's the way it looks. You can kid yourself about being naive and new to dating, but please don't overlook your behavior patterns and understand how it can come across to others - particularly to men. If I'm wrong about this, then I'm wrong. But I do think it may be something to think about.

 

This is not about control and minipulation. Yes you are correct in the sense that I like to feel control so that I DONT GET HURT. And in this situation I gave up that control to him and allowed him to lead the way. Asking a guy what his intentions are (after 1 year of interacting), to me is NOT being pushy. Who wouldnt start to ask a guy what his intentions were at that point.

 

Yes I have almost a crippling fear of rejection. It's not about needing control, it's about avoiding rejection because I know that rejection has a serious affect on me. I internalize it and it litteraly hurts me. I dont' know if that stems from situations in my childhood or not. But I know that I try to do everything in my power to maintain a certain distance with people so that I don't get rejected and feel hurt.

 

It's not about control, it's about the fact that I CLEARLY asked him several times. All he had to do was say he wasnt looking for anything or that he felt we should just be friends. In other words, he should have been upfront b/c that would have given me the option to walk away. Instead, he continued with ambiguity. I PROMISE, had he told me, then I would have NEVER spoken to him again and this whole thing would have ended over 1yr1/2 ago. I don't stick around were I'm not wanted.

 

I almost feel as though he never said anything so that HE could be the one to cut ME off. But I see now, that I had the power to cut him off all along and I just didnt do it. And I guess at some point, it just became amuzing entertainment for him. That's what makes me feel the worse.

[shadowplay]

Do you really think I would write a post just to make Southern feel bad?

Why on earth would I want to do something like that?

 

If you feel that way about this post, then you have taken it the wrong way.

 

As a guy, I am giving Southern a clear view of a man's thought process.

I am not being critical of anybody or anything.

I am just expressing how things are. Realistically.

If it is useful to her, I am glad; If it's not, then she can disregard it. Simple as that.

 

In any case, the purpose is to help her, not hurt her.

 

CHeers,

 

I know what you were getting at, and maybe it was entirely unintentional on your part, but your comment just had a mea feel to it.

 

As an example imagine a woman posted about how poorly her bf was treating her, and somebody responded with:

"I love my gf dearly. I treat her with the utmost respect, think about her all the time, want to marry her some day," yada yada. And then ended with something like "do you see what I'm getting at?"

 

Can you see how this would make the OP feel pretty crappy?

[SouthernT]

When I say there are basic things about dating or interacting with people I mean this for example: I did not know (until a girlfriend explained it to me) that I was wrong to express my feelings to him because he and I were never in a relationship. Maybe my mind just works in a different way. But I truly don't see the error in doing that. In my mind, if you don't tell that person, then how will they ever even know? How on earth would he have ever known that I wanted to be friends if I would have never told him? I sincerely don't see the error of my ways. I kept asking him so that I could simply walk away had he said NO.

[Balthazar]

I know what you were getting at, and maybe it was entirely unintentional on your part, but your comment just had a mea feel to it.

 

As an example imagine a woman posted about how poorly her bf was treating her, and somebody responded with:

"I love my gf dearly. I treat her with the utmost respect, think about her all the time, want to marry her some day," yada yada. And then ended with something like "do you see what I'm getting at?"

 

Can you see how this would make the OP feel pretty crappy?

 

No, I can't.

 

I think it is up to the OP to make such comments, if she finds a post disagreeable.

 

The OP may take the message constructively and in the vein it was written, rather than in the way you did.

 

A man jumps off a one story building, and really has an incentive, the motivation to fly.

So he starts flapping his arms.

His effort is extreme, his desire absolute, but to no avail.

 

The laws of physics are against him and he will inevitably have to face the consequences of going against the law of gravity.

 

Now I could sit, comfort him, offer balm for his injuries and tell him stuff like "Flap harder next time... you can do it!" , but the fact remains that if he decides to go against the laws of physics ,he will fail yet again.

 

Am I being hurtful when providing an example of these laws(with regards to human relationships rather than physics)?

 

If so, let the OP complain and I will apologize

[SouthernT]

No, I can't.

 

I think it is up to the OP to make such comments, if she finds a post disagreeable.

 

The OP may take the message constructively and in the vein it was written, rather than in the way you did.

 

A man jumps off a one story building, and really has an incentive, the motivation to fly.

So he starts flapping his arms.

His effort is extreme, his desire absolute, but to no avail.

 

The laws of physics are against him and he will inevitably have to face the consequences of going against the law of gravity.

 

Now I could sit, comfort him, offer balm for his injuries and tell him stuff like "Flap harder next time... you can do it!" , but the fact remains that if he decides to go against the laws of physics ,he will fail yet again.

 

Am I being hurtful when providing an example of these laws(with regards to human relationships rather than physics)?

 

If so, let the OP complain and I will apologize

 

I understand what you were attemtping to do. But I don't see the reason because I already mentioned that he said all of those things to me in our final conversation and yes it hurt. Because the only thing I can focus on right now is why he didnt feel that I was worth putting forth that kind of effort and all I can focus on is asking myself what is wrong with me. (Sorry, but I am really in self-pitty mode right now because I don't want to make this mistake again and feel like this ever again.)

[Balthazar]

I understand what you were attemtping to do. But I don't see the reason because I already mentioned that he said all of those things to me in our final conversation and yes it hurt. Because the only thing I can focus on right now is why he didnt feel that I was worth putting forth that kind of effort and all I can focus on is asking myself what is wrong with me. (Sorry, but I am really in self-pitty mode right now because I don't want to make this mistake again and feel like this ever again.)

 

I hope things turn out well; it is always darkest before the dawn...

[Shygirl15]

I understand what you were attemtping to do. But I don't see the reason because I already mentioned that he said all of those things to me in our final conversation and yes it hurt. Because the only thing I can focus on right now is why he didnt feel that I was worth putting forth that kind of effort and all I can focus on is asking myself what is wrong with me. (Sorry, but I am really in self-pitty mode right now because I don't want to make this mistake again and feel like this ever again.)

 

You may want to focus on moving on, instead.

[Lucky555]

I am very glad that you posted this. I am sorry to hear that this man did this.

 

I swear you and i were seeing the same guy .SAME THING happened to me except he doesn't have a gf yet. But this would have been me.

 

Your guy did the push and pull..when I was seeing the guy that did this i came here and people told me no no no. So i let it go for a month and half even though they said no. Then i came to the realization that i was hurting and i confronted him as you did with your guy. the guy i was seeing said.."he was having fun" WHAT! wow that was a shocker after all the things he said. His actions were not matching up either. There is more to it than this but i made it simple..we did have a relationship and he did take me out on a date. everytime he went out we were together...But then as your guy did he would stop talking and just not do anything. So i cut bait. It was also a good 2 yrs of push and pull. NO more for me.

 

I promise you will feel better and it is going to take time. Just pull away from him and find you again.

 

I think you got attached before he committed. I did the same thing. But i leaned not to get attached until after there is commitment and trust established. I just wanted to believe he was that guy that he claimed to be. I wanted to go with the flow and let the relationship develop.

 

I don't understand why they do this but you will do much better . Wish you lots of hunky guys your way.

[SouthernT]

I hope things turn out well; it is always darkest before the dawn...

 

Thanks a bunch. I just wish guys would tell a girl upfront "hey, I'm just out to have a good time right now" But I guess they don't do that in case they change their mind and so they don't ruin the possibility of sex. A guy knows once he says he just want's to be friends, that's all he will ever be in a girl's mind.

 

I think my problem is that I would never keep someone on standby and I "ass"umed that people wouldnt do that to me either.

[tanbark813]

Well that's just it. I need help with seeing where I went wrong with him. At what point?

 

You didn't do anything wrong. I've told you for a long time now that the dude wasn't into you.

 

I also apologize if that's a form of "I told you so."

[SouthernT]

You didn't do anything wrong. I've told you for a long time now that the dude wasn't into you.

 

I also apologize if that's a form of "I told you so."

 

Thanks Tan.

[paddington bear]

"We were only one another's astronaut food."

 

"What's astronaut food?"

 

"You know the stuff in packets that you keep lying on the shelf. Everyone has some lying around. The people you imagine you might be with, but you know you never really will be. The people who if you're in a couple but you're a little bored or restless you meet them for coffee a lot and the other half of your couple isn't really thrilled about it. Or if you're single, they're the people you're keeping on a mental list just so you don't feel like there aren't any possibilities. Friends who are almost more than friends, but really, they're just friends. Astronaut food, bomb-shelter provisions. If you were ever going to have anything with them it would have happened already. Sometimes you even fall into bed with them, but it doesn't count for much. It's always a mistake to try to get any nourishment out of that stuff. But not a big mistake. That's the beautiful part, how the stakes are so low."

 

From 'Don't You Love me Yet' by Johnathan Letham. I read it and it made a lot of sense. I have to agree with the other posters, if he had truly been interested he would have gone for it instead of messing you around - it doesn't help your hearthache now, but bear it in mind for the next guy, if he's sending mixed signals you know exactly what it means.

[shadowplay]

"We were only one another's astronaut food."

 

"What's astronaut food?"

 

"You know the stuff in packets that you keep lying on the shelf. Everyone has some lying around. The people you imagine you might be with, but you know you never really will be. The people who if you're in a couple but you're a little bored or restless you meet them for coffee a lot and the other half of your couple isn't really thrilled about it. Or if you're single, they're the people you're keeping on a mental list just so you don't feel like there aren't any possibilities. Friends who are almost more than friends, but really, they're just friends. Astronaut food, bomb-shelter provisions. If you were ever going to have anything with them it would have happened already. Sometimes you even fall into bed with them, but it doesn't count for much. It's always a mistake to try to get any nourishment out of that stuff. But not a big mistake. That's the beautiful part, how the stakes are so low."

 

From 'Don't You Love me Yet' by Johnathan Letham.

 

This has nothing to do with the thread, but just had to say the writing in that excerpt is shockingly bad.

[paddington bear]

ha ha! Yeah the book was a bit crap - my basic point was that she became his 'astronaut food' as opposed to being a nourishing meal that he wants to delve into - okay so my writing is even worse than the quote.

[A.G.Doren]

Sorry I wrote you a novel, but I can't think of anything I'd want to skip. Hopefully something in this will help.

 

There are a lot of things going in this situation.

 

SouthernT- You seem to have sorted out the most important part of this whole situation and that is that you let it go on.That's good, remember it in the future.

 

I think this guy is more than your garden variety player. I think this based a a guy I know who behaved similarly with me before I cut him off. This guy we'll call him Chad was charming,attractive and lots of fun. But Chad never even tried -I don't think he ever dreamed- of manipulating me or anyone with the level of skill determination this this guy you were dealing with did.

 

I personally think this guy is perhaps a sociopath. He went out of his way to manipulate you and other women in a very cold calculating manner. He was calling you in the morning just to tell you how beautiful you were, that little encountered you had with him at the stoplight I wouldn't be surprised if that was staged and then when you called him upset about his gf he said exactly what you needed to hear to make you leave him alone.

 

He manipulated you, he's an ass-hole, He's not worth having and he was never worth having and you should thank god that you never did get hism to be serious about you. Think about it he has gf that he just introduced to his parents. He was probably going out with her for a while, probably calls himself falling in love with her and yet he was still stringing you along. Despite the fact that he should be very happy he still felt the need to put his time and energy into manipulating you rather than being with his gf or doing something positve. He's got major problems.

 

Having said that is it possible that he was serious at one point went out with you a couple of times and decided that he wasn't interested, but rather than doing the polite descent thing he decided to play with you. I think during the course of playing with you it went on to the point that somewhere along the way he lost all respect for you, thats why he was so horrible to you when you called.

 

 

Could you have done anything about this? Perhaps early on you might have done something or somethings that turned him off. If you want to know what those are try to think back and see if you did anything that would put off and don't do it the future. Its also possible that you weren't really his type. While he was playing with you might have acknowledged the reality of what was happening and put him in his place. Depending on how you did that he might have gotten briefly interested again.But you should be glad things never got serious between the two of you anyway.

 

Finally don't feel bad about having feelings for this guy. You may have handled your feelings poorly and not handled the whole situation well, but never feel bad for caring. Believe or not the sooner you accept your feelings whether you think they are justified or not the sooner you can get over them. In regards to expressing your feelings, your best bet would have been to express them once, long ago, without tears and move along.